Sixty Days: Days 40 & 41

Combining days, as I had a mere 11 hours between classes. Both sessions led by C.
Thursday night's highlight was confronting my own self talk. Chatter began: tired, too few calories, can't, can't can't ... followed by my agreement, I sit. Chatter shifts to Quitter Shame. Can't win for losing in my own dammed head!
I talk this phenomenon over with C. She first assures me this is a normal part of this process, then gave me tools to help me along: move to the front row. Confront yourself while you can! If front row isn't enough, try doubles.
Whew.
So I returned Friday morning, for an immediate meeting with myself in the mirror. From the front row.
Front row has far fewer distractions, fewer shiny bits to catch Monkey Mind's eye.
I like me. I want to say loving and supportive things to me, loudly. And so I shall learn.

Sixty Days: Day 39

If it doesn't challenge you,
It can't change you.

Cue inner toddler: Bikram is really hard. I am exhausted. I don't eat right. I don't drink enough water. Wah, wah, wah…
I walked into the studio and saw J-man preparing to teach. I purposely didn't talk to him because I know he steals my stories; and right that moment I liked the comfort of my stories. So much so, I kept em close right into the torture chamber.
We wrestled, my stories & me, all the way through Standing Series, until somewhere around Tree Pose, when I gained the energy I so desperately seek.
Yeah. Definitely a connection between my monkey mind & the class' first half struggles. Concentration Series? Ha! I now see my roadblock. Me. What happens if I shut up? The knee breathes into lamppost & my forehead meets my knee? I see my toes over my head? Possibilities live in the quiet…
~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~
Photo 1: Trisha's kids doing yoga this morning, in Souf'akota. The hardest pose for Americans: savasana, dead body, corpse pose. This is a Legacy fit for Queen Diana! Do YOGA!
~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~
Photo 2: 7 seconds onto my floor bow pulling pose. I'm gaining courage here, knees now leave the floor (thanks to awkward pose for strengthening inner thighs!).

Sixty Days: Day 38

I carefully packed my stories today, placing the "I'm tired of being tired in yoga" on the very top & juggled them into the studio for morning practice.
I was greeting by the same smiling, happy face of Miss J. My stories would be torn to shreds, I already knew!
All you have to do is breathe, thru your nose, calm & silent … but for you Miss Jenner, you pick up your foot, no big whoop.
And I believe! It's no big whoop, so I do it.
When I was gonna die in the last bit of Trikanasana (because I really like my Standing Series Story more than the Standing Series), I'm gonna sit & my self scolding was interrupted with, Hey! Aren't you that girl who did three Rabbits yesterday? Oh! That's me! I jump up & back in to my fullest possible (I'm gonna nail this or die trying!!!) expression Yeah, that's what I thought Miss Jenner.
I let my head fill with direction, with inspiration, with pride for double-exhale sit-ups wherein knees contacted with exactly forehead, with Do more with less and The longest 6 inches is the journey from your mind to your heart.
I breathed. I rested; quickly, intentionally, quietly. I stretched. I shut-the-fuck-up and got my ass to work. And I wasn't the least bit tired.
I am so veryveryvery grateful. For me & my team.
Today's photo inspired by Kimya Dawson, who asks we love ourselves enough to Shake It! on Tuesdays. So I did!

Sixty Days: Day 37

Wow. I drag my ass to the studio, like really wanting to be anywhere else. I know it's a combination of all the feels being dredged up in this whole process. I know I should be gentle with my 44 year old face sprinkled with my 15 year old self's zits. And I'm just so tired. Tired of being tired. Ack.
And Miss J is teaching. She's iron beneath her gentle aura and sweet, ohsovery sweet voice. At first she's not enough, my monkey is leading my by the nose through every excuse possible, constant reminders of tiredness. Exhausting to chase it around, so I sit out 2nd set of triangle. I begin with a stern lecture on how I blew the *ev'pose ev'time* claim; really?! Suddenly I smile, I breathe, I look in my eyes and thank me, my brain fills with the dialogue and I'm back in the game!
With several new students, I was asked to demonstrate Rabbit. Oh myyyy! I love coaching thru poses, I went so high (deep), so curved & stretched. Then did two more. So good for me!
I'm back. I'm here & I'm ready to not be tired anymore. Except for very good reasons ;)

Sixty Days: Day 35

Back-to-back practice was wise! I was able to go much deeper, as I was still warmed up from the night before. Miss K led a full house, including a couple of newbies. Before class, I reminded one that we're all working hard, struggling similarly, no matter how long we've been coming. This kind of bonding means I won't run out of the room, I'll be a good role model.
My skin is a hot mess, detox sucks. I am drinking skin detox tea, at least it tastes good!

Sixty Days: Day 34

Friday afternoon practice with K. The holiday seems to bring lots of visitors to the studio. Today I was lucky to have my peace challenged by Moaning Myrtle. Dude, it's hard work for *everyone* in the room, we're not moaning like porn stars! I smiled, caught my own breath & let Myrtle do the moaning for me.
My hips are tight tonight, as if I haven't stretched them at all -- a sign I may be slacking in my practice as I acclimate to the new studio conditions (my story, as yet unstolen).
Time to get back to work. On me!

Sixty Days: Day 33

Thanksgiving Day practice was absolutely the best place to be this morning. We had a full, sweaty, house.
I decided, on my drive, to surrender. Surrender to the dialogue, to the postures; allowing them to fill my mind and crowd out the internal chatter. E even used Surrender in her coaching :)
As we all found stillness in Tree Pose, the only sound was sweat dripping from all of us, like Oregon rain. It made me smile.
I was distracted by the panicked breathing of my neighbors, had to focus on keeping my own breath & smiling. By Camel, I was only able to do just that: breathe & smile. I wanted to cry otherwise. By Spine Twist I was resigned to my weak; instead E coached me through a beautiful strong finish Why are you doing it like that? You can do it like this, don't believe outdated information.
Ah, perfect. And my challenge is 55% complete.
~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~
In the dressing room:
Bea Arthur (younger & cuter, still Bea-esque) laments she'd worn her yoga clothes under her clothes & forgotten her underwear. General consensus that it's alright, you're just going home, afterall …
In the quiet & empty, after, I lean over to her I'd embrace the sexiness of running around town in yoga pants with no undies! Her face lit up immediately, said 60 is just around the corner and the chances to feel sexy were too few. Own it! I tell her Have fun with it! Commando!
As Bea left, she waved; shining brightly and rocking those yoga pants.

Sixty Days: Day 32

The heat feels like I'm a newbie again.
Tonight I was sweet and gentle with myself. Quietly, I moved through the poses, keeping my breath. I was so happy to have energy enough to lock my knees in the next-to-last pose & feel my heels rise up off the floor!
I'm not doing the impossible, I've redefined what's possible.

Sixty Days: Day 31

The second half begins! And much sweatier than the first. It seems the new heater wasn't working as it should; oh it is now!
Miss K led practice, killing me without letting me die. Bikram magic.
90 times I've practiced since July. 90 times I've had to look at myself, my whole entire almost naked self, in the mirror. A true gift. Yet another gift.

Sixty Days: Day 30!

A milestone! Thirty days of practice, not perfect.
Looking at myself in the mirror, I thanked me for my dedication, for the work done and the work we're striving to do. I am so grateful for this chance to take me on, every day; to realize this is not as difficult as I've feared.
Quiet. So much value in quiet.
Magic.

Sixty Days: Day 29

Tonight's class was led by E, commonly known as The Goat Chaser. I know in her classes, keeping my peace is my lesson upon the lessons.
Which I made look easy. I knew to keep my breath; less/no need to ever get it back this way. So I soldiered through, to her powerful standards, every pose, every time.

Sixty Days: Day 28

Did it.

Sixty Days: Day 27

Ran out of calories. I need to eat more & eat better.
The good parts: slow & steady rocks Standing Bow Pulling; strong glutes = strong Locust series; one legged balance *much* easier if weight is centered in foot, i.e. hip over knee over ankle.
Doing Bikram immediately before a big Interpreting job was the smartest thing I've done all year! My arms felt great & so did I :)

Sixty Days: Day 26

Strong practice. Every pose, every time. Today C opened with Look in the mirror and smile at your best teacher. So I did; and kept a close eye on her throughout class.
I decided to drop my self-sabotaging thoughts about the standing series. Funny how the biggest obstacle to deep expression is my own misplaced conversation. So I rocked my balancing stick and triangle(!). Discovered the benefit to abdominal strength in nearly every pose: pada hastasana, cobra & locust especially! Went into first toe stand without abs engaged and proceeded to flop & flail, working frantically (frantic + yoga = win, yeah?) to recover - didn't happen. Second set was set up properly and balance was easy. I was able to push my knee down, stretch up and lean back. Big, long stretch of stillness was my gift.
Then! I had my heretofore unnoticed vacation stolen from my camel pose! C came by with the yardstick, my fists are 8" not 6". With a much smaller gap, my camel stretch is as divine as it deserves to be!
Because that weren't enough, I lost my kickstand in spine twist, too. A totally different stretch when you're leading yourself around yourself by your own hand!
Whew. A great day, I'd say.
So good for you <3

Sixty Days: Day 25

Planning an escape/retreat for myself, to Los Angeles. Needing some distance & perspective & yeah, warm sunshine, to see this life of mine, anew.
Class felt like worthy practice.
After a very, very hot & not so humid 90 minutes, locker room talk was entertaining. New victims were upset with the "Listen to the words, don't look around" admonition. One had a Grand Story, possibly even a note from her doctor, justifying her Can't Can't Can't Tale. I said, Well, as long as you're listening to your mind tell you what you can't do in there, you won't be able to listen to the yoga. Should you, however, decide to listen to the dialogue instead of your voices, you'll do great.
Not a popular perspective, I know. American'ts abound! Myself included. Definitely a moment of teaching best what I need to learn most (Richard Bach). Learning is what keeps happening.

Sixty Days: Day 24

It doesn't get easier, it gets better.
Easy is a flowing concept. As one bit eases, another digs into real depth of work. My postures, my thoughts, my life. It's all there: easy bits and working hard bits.
Shifting mental gears, that gets easier. Quieting gets easier. Finding my breath. Taking care of me. Speaking to myself in soothing words amidst chaos. Easier and better.
Hot guns? Bonus!

Oh yeah, 40%!

Sixty Days: Day 23

So much (mental) chaos outside of the studio, it was a treat to just follow today's dialogue.
Today an exhausted C was instructing; we had several giggleasana surprises. And news: 25 Day Holiday Challenge (overlaps my 60 Day) with donation to foodbank in participant's honor and an upcoming January clinic with (somebody famous). I signed up for the the Challenge (Christmas stickers!!!!) and will likely do the clinic.
After class today, I mentioned I would someday like to love the Standing Series as much as I love the Floor. C mentioned my sentiment is opposite of common. No surprise.

C often reads to us during our first (long & sometimes difficult) savasana. I love being read to anyway, her choices are always *spot on* for my life. Today, no exception:

THERE'S A HOLE IN MY SIDEWALK Autobiography in Five Short Chapters By Portia Nelson

Chapter One: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost .... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend that I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in this same place. But, it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but, my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter Four: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Chapter Five: I walk down another street.

Sixty Days: Day 22

Monkey Mind Practice
I had my favorite goat-chasing instructor, E. My challenge in her class is always to keep my peace, find my breath, shift my perspective. I am always, ultimately, grateful to share this time with her.
Arriving was difficult, once the threshold was crossed, however, my stories quieted to a dull roar.
I realized, while in our savasana, the reason there is constant dialogue in a Bikram room is to keep your own inner (mostly self-sabotaging & defeatist) chatter at bay. For 90 minutes your head is filled with Lock Your Knee, Trust, Do It, So good for you, Find Your Breath, Focus, Meditate, No collapsing, Make up your mind … and the thousands of other golden, empowering nuggets of encouragement. You're taken to your own edge, placed in vulnerable positions (physical & emotional) and filled to the brim with your own power and strength. Like nothing else on the planet. Maybe this is what is feels like to be not-crazy. It sure feels like crazy-reduction, which sounds a lot like quiet. New and very nice for me.

Struggling with your own Monkey Mind Chatter? You owe it to you both (you as mind, you as body) to practice, practice, practice. You're worth it.
Promise.
I can make that promise, as I'm just discovering my own worthiness. Feels great!

Sixty Days: Day 21

Practice with the lovely Miss M (who gives us extra special rest time: shhhh-vasana) and her son, Caspian, the current Boy's Yoga National Champion (*squee*).
Feeling drained and wimpy going in to the studio, knowing my feelings are prone to change with heat & movement. Sure enough, I did much better than I'd expected.
Standing series remains a huge challenge, my balance is still developing! Kicking out in Standing-Head-to-Knee pulls a heretofore unmet screeching muscle all up the inside of my leg, ankle to crotch. Carrying through to Standing Bow Pulling. Yowch! I can take my progress as it comes,  I need not rush things ... One percent the right way, One hundred percent benefit.
To appease the cooperative, non screeching, bits, I bounced deep into triangle pose. My focus is on getting my hips well seated, weight distributed in pelvis, then m'arms be poised for their full expression at toe & ceiling :)
(Photo disclaimer: timer used, taken mid-pose, not full-expression)
Found a big ol kink of sadness in Camel, worked it all out in Rabbit. So cool. So good for me. Three weeks solid. Damn.

Sixty Days: Day 20

Morning practice today, with M. Very chattery monkey mind. Soldiered through an ultimately strong practice. Even on the first day of my cycle!
Even released my conversation about "sh-vasana"

Sixty Days: Day 19

Giggleasana with J-man again! Powerful practice of ev'pose ev'time
Tonight's juicy bits and tips -
Triangle: keep weight centered in pelvis
Locust series: push w/belly & clench glutes
Floor Bow: shoulders down (away from ears, open chest)
Several times today, I caught a quick glimpse of my beautifully shaped & very strong shoulders and arms. A world away from the greatly feared Mrs Vaulkner arms. I took a moment for pride.

Sixty Days: Day Eighteen

30% complete.
Today's teacher, J-man, has the very best laugh which he uses liberally during his stories & during his practice. As a laugher, this is a characteristic I find imperative in one who inspires me. I knew going in, I'd get to giggle back to breath.
My class mantra today: Each pose prepares you for the one next. I found myself posing carefully, to set myself up well for future poses. Deep half moons & an especially intense locust series, I realize there is truth here. I continually wake up new (to my acquaintance) body parts; today was inner thigh bits.
Nearly the end of class and I'm about to put my forehead on my knee (bending my knee to accommodate) for what seems the 857th time and I quickly wonder: What if I don't bend my knee this time? And I happily found out. Oh yeah. Circuit closed.

Sixty Days: Day 17

A loud and chattery practice.
Which means I was sweaty and distracted. Snotty and scratchy.
I actually left the room at one point, coughed to my lungs' desire, and returned to class.
And I finished.
There's nothing poetic to wax nor inspirational to talk about. A tough class. A challenge I face whether I go to yoga or not; showing up at the studio means I'm getting practice with the one tool that works: quiet.

I'm going back again today, Day 18. Focus: Pose, Breath, Stillness

Sixty Days: Day 16

The last two days have been big challenges for my story. Not a specifically diana story, more of a human story: sickness. Hayden returned home from Halloween with some fresh bronchitis germs who happily took up residence in my not-eating-well-enough-Self.
Dragged myself to Bikram, under the weight of my chest elephant and my equally heavy litany of excuses. I was met by J, the sweet looking and gentle sounding drill sargent of an instructor, who said Wait til you get in there before you decide how much you have to offer.
So I stopped the story of limits & chose Wait and See. I found myself sans excuses, sans chatter, and participating deeply in my quiet practice.
Yesterday, now knowing this miracle's availability, I did it again. Every pose, every set. Quietly. Calmly. Efficiently. Well, except when I coughed; I did then jump back into pose. To fall out is human, to jump back in is yogi.
I gave up. A big fat chunk of story, gone. Whew. That feels good.

Never too old, never too bad, never too late, never too sick to start from scratch once again. —Bikram Choudhury

Sixty Days: Day 15

I've become a Bikram believer. I'm taking a 60 day challenge as evidence. Sixty days dedicated to me, my health and my breakthroughs.
For the first time in my life, I am getting to know my body. My real body. This beast of a machine heretofore hidden under layers of baggage and story.
In the weeks of practice (This is yoga practice, not yoga perfect.) leading to my challenge acceptance, I've watched my body magically sculpt into one I'd ne'er imagined. I've seen myself move with grace, ease and control. I've watched forty-four year old skin work hard to shrink. I've felt kilos of emotion release from my spine. I've practiced keeping my peace. I've made friends with my Monkey Mind and practice keeping my mind in my brain.
And it all looks like picking up my foot. Trusting that I can do all that I ask myself to do, to the best of my ability. One percent the right way, One Hundred percent benefit.

Because I can, I owe it to myself to Do.