The Power of Illusions

My first Richard Bach book, Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah (along with Bridge Across  Forever and One), came as a gift from a new and fascinating friend, at 21. A strangely comfortable path of thought began construction...

Move ahead 24 years and this wisdom has not only taken root in Who I Am, it has shifted and intensified its meaning for my life. 

Somewhere, right in the beginning of negotiations, this perspective was lost. I forgot about the illusion. I set my feet down & declared REAL. I used this grounding to take on monsters and demons. Fearlessly I thrust myself forward into life. I was safe. 

My truth. 

The work. Heh. The work, the worthwhile work of love acceptance challenge team building uncovering soothing clearing healing, will carry such great (ongoing and immediate) reward, it won't even feel like work, right?

Fuck no. 

It feels like explosions falling tears anger fear doubt worthlessness hopelessness darkness. 

It leads to questions about everything you've ever believed to be True in the world. 

It shows clearly the difference in action of one person, when she believes she is loved from without & is then led (kicking and screaming, it seems) to find love within. 

I had that whole Radical Self Acceptance thing going for me, surely part of the attraction. Living it. Being it. And it was easy, oh so easy. After all, I had finally received the External Validation I'd dreamed of for half my life. When you're the luckiest, best loved human in the universe, life's got no insurmountable challenge. 

So a glimpse of what's possible and the terrific vacuum left in its wake. Just what I needed. What I didn't know I didn't know. 

Tools to combat the dark & cacophoninic chaos are not easily found, let alone held onto... Silence, heat, stretching, they work wonders. Ending gluten, that was magic. I still miss dairy. Sugar is on the Long Goodbye Plan. Joining other humen in enjoyable pursuits (dancing, eatin, acroyoga), has been a primarily positive experience. 

The gifts I didn't know I needed. 

Seeking that which is seeking me (Rumi). 

I can fly. 

without a net. 

I can be the best loved human in the universe any time I choose to love me best. 

The Gift. 

I really didn't know

A year ago, I had thoughts and plans and hope to experience a totally new and different year of life. I simply hadn't anticipated this particular trajectory. I want to speak of these last 365 days with compassion, without the pain, with excited discovery and pride of growth. And there have been some crazy discoveries (about my crazies) and lots of opportunities (some taken!) for exponential personal growth. 

This morning, 4 December 2013

•As Decembers go, I was off to a fine start. In the middle of my first 60 Day Bikram challenge, staying with my Besty, 35 minutes from a torture chamber, thoroughly enjoying an amazing California Adventure for mine own self. 

I didn't know. 

4 December 2012

•I'd visited Mitch in the cupboard, we had a riotous, albeit snot filled, party at the San Fernando Mission cemetery (we being Christine, ZoAnne, the dead guy & myself). I talked about love, I talked about courage. I asked for guidance, some intervention. 

I didn't know.

4 December 2012

•I made plans with an old friend, a drive into the city. Comfort, conversation, commiseration, coffee, probably some religion and politics, just to prove what good friends we are, on the agenda. A safe place for Radical Honesty. 

I didn't know. 

4 December 2012

•Exactly as I'd imagined. Exactly as it'd been every time for 20 years. Because that's the kind of friends we are. Friends without fear. Friends with nothing to lose. Friends whose paths have separated them for long periods during the 20 years, and always, somehow, magically brings them back again. And it works. Always. 

I didn't know. 

•Meet my Hero, Deliriously Happy Diana. Fearless. Brave. Every word in every language that means shiny and bright and courageous and joyous. The things this woman says. I shake in awe. Bare naked, heart & soul, on a silver platter, she fucking did it. Confessed. Everything. Out in the open. For reals, no take-backs. Power-Full.

I didn't know. 

•This chick. There is happy enough oozing out of her for all of Los Angeles County. There is something about Courage received with Care that is incredibly sexy. Confident in her place in the world, a loving growing healing helpful team building exploratory fated careful funny safe place of her own. Claimed it. Received it. Reciprocated it. 

Oh, I *think* I know. 

I didn't know. 

I didn't know my heart had even more capacity for stretching. I didn't know the depths of fearless love. I didn't know I was capable of such naked courage. I didn't know I was worthy of worship. I didn't know the strength and compassion I hold. I didn't know I was hoarding so many feels. I didn't know how hard it is to keep from building new walls. I didn't know I can fly! I didn't know how to not take it all personally. I didn't know I still had painful lessons to learn. I didn't know my trust was so shaky. I didn't know the world was so beautiful. I didn't know love could end. I didn't know how hard that would be to learn. I didn't know the work involved in deep recovery. I didn't know loss has had a cumulative effect on my body. 

This me here, I know a few more things now. The naked courage is refusing to stay suppressed, it sneaks up on me and puts me on stage, doing yoga. (With hairy pits! In front of people!) It puts me in scary situations. It has me interacting with other human beings. 

I might know, at least strongly suspect, people are probably worthy of trusting with my heart again. I am learning to cultivate that all-encompassing love within myself, for myself.  I know pain, I release more of it with every yoga posture I do. I know this is all temporary. I know. 

And I'm really okay with what I still don't know. 

That feels good. 

Real Life Update

I realize the absence of blogging is the absence of documenting me. Somewhere along the path, shame overwhelmed my story. I became embarrassed by Past Self. To avoid further shame for Future Self, I shut up. 

Not that I'm truly ready, willing, or capable of bare naked honesty, I am ready to head that direction. (Cue the screaming choir of regret & pain) I cannot survive lugging around the baggage that no longer serves my highest purpose. 

I wish I'd better documented the most of this year, I would have a beautiful story (could that I read it detached from its bittersweet reality) of self care, true love, stretched boundaries, communication, lies, broken hearts, tears, gnashing teeth, fear, shame, embarrassment, strength, courage, resilience, and the yoga. Perhaps it's better kept in my memory. See? Fear. Right there. Gotcha. Shaking with it. Can't face it if I can't see it, eh? 

Rough year, wild year. I am learning, learning, learning; between bouts of shutting down for the whole hugeness of the lessons. I wish I could clearly communicate what I need, to myself even! Herein lies my biggest obstacle: I asked clearly, I communicated clearly, created space, and received (yay!), then it was gone. Poof. All an illusion. Bringing back a quite rabid rendition of You're Not Worthy (who had been presumed dead & gone for months). Conquering/quieting/befriending/repurposing that choir may be the biggest challenge of my diana career. 

So I start with food. Gluten free for a couple of months (with few instances of contamination), dairy free for more than a month. Eating high protein everything I can find/afford. 

52 Days

Mountain Pose progress!

Still working on locking my right kicker whilst keeping left standing locked! 

Standing Bow was beautiful today. John's class filled with giggleasanas, as usual. 

Did NOT want to practice today. So very fecking glad I did! 

Day 29

Training Day, after class. 

Day 28 September Challenge

That'd be locked knees, both sides, two days in a row. 

I've missed Steve's voice! Reminders to ask my body what it has available today, that I'm stronger than I think, to finish strong -because I'm worthy. 

Need to polish my postures, less depth focus and more detail focus. 

Day 27 September Challenge

Day 25 September Challenge

Big conversations of avoiding the studio, big talk of staying home, again! Of course, Miss Kacie led me exactly where I needed to go. Tough practice, always when I let the monkey have too many free days, and I made it ev'pose, ev'time. 

Day 22 September Challenge

I am comforted knowing I only need to nail this posture on one side. I can relax and let my right kicker maintain its own pace. So very close. I shall likely kick left in both Standing Bow and Head to Knee in competition. Grace, ya know, is easier with fewer turns. And my right knee is so good at locking when balanced upon. 

I love when I get distracted with the timer on! 

I love how calm I am about being photographed (and published!) in this position, in these clothes, with that relaxed belly. 

I love that I can release my fear of being forced to squat like this to make room for my belly. 

I love leaving my bullshit on a sweat soaked towel after 90 minutes (or, like today 2.5 hours) in the Torture Chamber. 

Wait for it...

I love me. 

Day 16 September Challenge

Today's practice with Mr John was filled with the giggleasana I needed! 

Tired, stiff, achey, not enough calories, powered thru 4:30pm. 

Legs nearly locked in Padahastasana, and that's only pose 3. 

Day 15 September Challenge

9 am practice, plus 11 am training. 

Day 14 September Challenge

Whew. Kick ass 7am with Miss Elizabeth. A room filled with teachers always shifts the energy in the room, it a positive & strong way. Every pose, every time. 

Then, this happened. Elbows bent & knee stayed locked. My right side kick is millimeters from locked! This progress is inspiring me to really train, in earnest, for the regional competition. I actually said the words: I think I'll compete. 45 years old, what do I have to lose? *deep breath* 

Standing Head to Knee

Standing Bow

Floor bow

Stretching 

Rabbit 

2 poses of my choice 

Training tomorrow after 9am practice. I am excited. 

Day 13 September Challenge

Miss Jeannie led me thru a serious kick in my pants tonight! Mind whining, flesh able — IF YOU CAN YOU MUST — I powered through like she expects. Like the mean gramma, who demands the best of you and whom you're eager to please. Yeah, I need better words than mean gramma, she's Burgess Merideth to my Rocky. That's it. 

Every pose, every time. 

And I got called out for smoking. Quitting is imperative. 

Day 9 September Challenge

I knew something was missing :) 

Day 11 September Challenge

Beautiful Opus Dei with Leslie tonight. Formerly an oxymoron, just one more stolen story at the Bikram studio <g> Quiet, softly lit, we sweated our hearts out in earnest. 

I had two breakthroughs: briefly bent elbows while left kicker remained strong & locked AND a brief mo' with right kicker slipping into lock position. As soon as I noticed, I squeed & fell out of pose! 

Still, personal best! Go me! 

Day 8 September Challenge

Counting today as a double. Strong practice with Miss Elizabeth this morning, every pose, every time. Followed by training practice for about an hour. Whew. It's goon a be great. 

Day 7, September Challenge

Making progress on my Right Kick; I can feel the need to relax and breathe into my kick. Trust. I know I have the physical ability, I need to BELIEVE I have the ability, *in that moment* of kicking. 

7am was an odd shift from my afternoon/evening practice; more endurance, less flexibility. Miss Elizabeth does a great job of forcing my mind into the present. Practicing next to Mr Steve was good inspiration, I thanked him for his telepathic encouragement :) Finish Strong! Ask Your Body What It's Got Today! You Never Know! (Teachers have the best yoga ear worms of encouragement) 

Tomorrow is double duty, 9 am practice & 11am training. 5+2 (Standing Head-to-Knee is one of the 5 compulsory poses, two are yogi choice) I am so excited! I need to EAT & EAT CLEAN & A WHOLE FUCKTON to train properly. Did I mention my excitement? 

Day 5 September Challenge

I did not want the yoga today. No how, no way. So I dragged my crabbyass to 6:30 practice, retribution for listening to the grumpy mcgrumbles all day.Leslie led us, quite gently, through the rough & humid practice. The monkey minds were rowdy and drunker than usual, her compassion was inspiring and welcome. I finally stayed in the room! Only sat out one set of standing separate leg head-to-knee, to soothe the voices screaming about sweat up my nose. 

To make matters magic, coaching through standing head-to-knee brought big progress towards full expression. She mentioned the very important grip, at the ball of the foot, allowing the heel to propel forward & the toes to point back. Viola! First instance of locked left kicking leg (photo is mirrored) Upside down L like Linda :) 

Five days. In a row. Go me.

Day 4 September Challenge

Miss Kim for the 4:30 practice today. Less intense than days 1-3, still incredibly intense. Will be reverting to mornings to see if there's a shift for me. Left again, though after busting my ass during the first half! 

Asked for coaching on Standing Head-to-Knee, I want kicking leg locked by month's end. I have the physical ability, I know it, just need to hush that chatter! Also working on Standing Separate Leg Head-to-Knee -- ha! Both back rounding poses! Belly in! Belly in! Belly in! Confronting the last belly issues with these bellybutton focusing poses :) Good! 

Day 3 September Challenge

Miss Kim!!! I did the Opus Dei 6:30 pm practice. Not sure what I did to deserve such flagellation, however, I survived. Again. Left the room (again), dunked head in cold water, refilled bottle and got my ass back to work. 10% complete. Damn. 

Day 2, September Challenge

Bikram, day 2. Another miserably humid holiday class. Wall-to-wall yogis, wall-to-wall flinging schweat. I left. Just before camel. Did camel, rabbit, head-to-knee & spine twist in the men's hallway. Fuck. 

Returned for breathing & savasana. Thanks, Miss Kacie for herding overheated cats through practice today! 

Tomorrow will be cake in comparison.  

The Girl in the TV

1994, our marital television. Such discussion, such debate, such a thrill - a truly ginormous screen of our beloved entertainment. This screen has reflected every member of my family. 

I've held on to it, solely for sentimental purposes these last many years. It's now time for g'bye. And I am ne'er as ready as I think I am... 

Day 1, September Challenge

Today was hard to get out of the house. I knew this morning was today's only opportunity for practice. Meaning my one chance to begin my own 30 in 30 Challenge *and* a very humid, crowded beginning to said challenge. As I'd already been listening to my mind's litany of justifications and excuses, outside the studio, for days, their power seemed weakened. They did scream for the whole drive (so glad it is short) and quieted with the bullshit-melting heat of the room. Miss Kacieled a riotous bunch to completion. 

My survival rate remains 100%