Me & My Bike, an anthology

Sharing with my brother was always a struggle. Here, a mere 3 months after his unwelcome arrival, I am made to share my sacred bouncy horse. Oh, the adults thought it was the funniest thing they'd ever seen - a not-yet-two-year-old proclaiming ownership of a possession they'd suddenly deemed "public property." I'm thinking this was the beginning of my resentful ways regarding my siblings.

Years went by and I did not get better about sharing. Lawsey no! I did not want that smelly boy anywhere near my belongings.

Certainly not on my 4th birthday present: a dark green bicycle, complete with fenders and training wheels. My heart still swells with the joy of receiving this gift.And still the adults chuckled and moved us wherever they pleased. And laughed while I cried. I still remember the heartbreak of taking this photo. I knew not to complain; that would result in a spanking and separation from the bike. I sulked and waited. Thankfully, someone eventually gifted The Boy with his own riding appliance, so I could cruise in peace (generally away from him & our house of depressed mama and newer baby)

I look so much like Hannah in the above picture, perhaps only in attitude ♥

I rode my bike in my Easter's FinestAND in my Urchin GarbThe precedence set by sitting Tom on my first bike, meant he was free to use and abuse any and all belongings I may covet as my own. Mostly I stopped caring. Except for the small, green 10-speed. It was the first time in my growing-up years that a bike actually *fit* me. He ruined it. After ruining his own bike, my dad's bike and the spare bike. He was on to mine and there were no consequences. Worse, there was no money to fix it or replace it.

Yesterday's disappearance of my cruisin' bike has brought all of this to the forefront of my memory... I waited a long time to get a bike for ME. The Perfect Bike. I even shared it with Hayden -JOYFULLY! And while I try to deny the sadness, it's real. No, I don't wish for the thief to be hit by a car; the thought of it happening, however, fills me with sick glee. Yet another challenge in the Process of Non-attachment.

What helps is this bike. Scotty found it while walking the dog, ditched in a field of weeds. I've had it advertised on Craig'sList for over a month. Every day I've thought of who might be missing this bike. This could very well be someone's sacred ride. And I know all-too-well what that means. Today I think it may be a universal trade. This one is smaller, after all, a much better fit for my body. And it's got adorable whitewalled tires. The ding-ding bell, ooga horn and baskets can all come as Holiday Gifts. Along with grips and Rain Gear.
Meanwhile, we shall find a local place to get an inner tube & share with Hayden the joys of bike maintenance. He, too, now wants a cruiser bike. For now, neither of us mind sharing. Eventually, we will want to ride together. Even Scotty's mentioned a hankerin' for a bike. I can't wait! ♥

An official Interpreter

Yep, that's me. At least I will be at 6:01 on Wednesday (I figger it'll be a whole minute before I'm actually back into the Interpreter part of my brain!). Yesterday I completed the paperwork (left off a signature, 25 just weren't enough for OSU!), got an assignment and asked about the pay. "$26/hour. Is that alright?" Um, Yeah! Granted, an hour a week isn't gonna add up to much, it's still more than I had to begin with AND I get myself out there, available for more work, appreciating the work I have, and we all know those paths lead to immense rewards ♥
So I shall prove myself.
To myself.
And the rest of the world will see this incredible light that's been hiding under this crazy bushel for far too long.

Are YOU a REAL American?

I'd point to the exact moment in The Daily Show that most infotained me, if there was only one of them. Jon totally outdid himself last night, 20 October 2008. Well, I guess it's the idiots he quotes we really have to thank; I'm grateful he's got a team to root out these gems, so I don't have to!
Watch the whole episode.
After you pee.
And maybe some of you should still sit on a plastic chair, at least put a towel under you on the sofa.
Then vote.
Vote because it's your hard earned right as an American to do so.
Whatever America means to you, voting makes you a GOOD American.
Period.

I'm a Bette

for a two question quiz, this one nailed it!! ~d

You Are a Bette!

You are a Bette -- "I must be strong"

Bettes are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me

• * Stand up for yourself... and me.


• * Be confident, strong, and direct.


• * Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.


• * Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.


• * Give me space to be alone.


• * Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.


• * I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.


• * When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.

What I Like About Being a Bette

• * getting all the enjoyment I can out of life


• * supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me


• * upholding just causes

What's Hard About Being a Bette

• * overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to


• * being restless and impatient with others' incompetence


• * sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it


• * never forgetting injuries or injustices


• * putting too much pressure on myself


• * getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

Bettes as Children Often

• * are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit


• * are sometimes loners


• * seize control so they won't be controlled


• * figure out others' weaknesses


• * attack verbally or physically when provoked


• * take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

Bettes as Parents

• * are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted


• * are sometimes overprotective


• * can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz

I wana vote for a REAL Maverick

One more reason I love Corvallis! ♥

The Post Turtle, Sarah Palin

from a posting at Sunnyside Up:

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic came around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President.

The old rancher said, "Well ya know, Palin is a post turtle."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked what a post turtle was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you see a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumbass put her up there to begin with."

I went to sleep in Corvallis....

and awoke in Bakersfield!?
aaaah, sweet memories of fog delays and 6 weeks without the sun...

Climbing out from under...

It's an uncomfortable process. Not that it's bad. Maybe in the *giving birth* kinda scary uncomfortable; alike in the pain with purpose ideal. Being responsible is a big job. And, honestly, I'm good at it when I'm present with it. When I don't let the choir of resentment and bullshit stand in the way. I've done amazing things with far less cash; with far more intention. I've been joyful in the midst of worse circumstance.
I'm working next weekend as Dish Wench to pay for therapy. The job itself is what I like to call Paid Meditation. With water even. And the joy of fulfilling purpose. A creation of instant gratitude. I dig being Dish Wench. I now especially dig the thought of talking to someone. Someone who's gonna tell my Ego to leave the room, so the work can be done. Someone with whom I get to practice and strengthen my ability to remove Ego from the equation and get down to the business of living in the Now in a real and powerful way. It's just enough hocus-pocus I feel I'll not be judged and it's enough ass-kickin' I won't be able to hide. And, well, as a Dutch fellow, I feel a strange connection, like having my ass lovingly kicked by my Grandpa Tilstra. I got the support workbook, to reinforce thought clarity through writing. And it helps.
And throw in some Byron Katie and her questions and turnarounds...
As I'm breathing deep, reveling in all I am grateful for, I realize the air sure smells better now...

Right Here, Right Now

Ah, what a difference a day makes!
I cried. For hours. Sweet Release, it was! Hayden hovered and made sure if I wasn't okay at the moment, I was on my way to being okay. His concern moved me to more tears. He was a shining example of not taking it personally, as he witnessed and supported my process.
I talked to Scotty. We're getting a joint account at the local credit union, thereby leaving all of the corporate banking craziness where it belongs - in the past and out of our lives. We're beginning to look at this life as a joint venture, as well. Not just you and me, a real US! (omg, is that grownup thinking or what?!?!?!)
Then I left the house. It was a tough one. I remember the moment where I debated if I should remind Hayden of the homeschool day at the local Boys & Girls Club... I waffled and I waffled and then The Voice said: You're in this for him to make this life better for him, put your crap away. And I listened! We were actually up and at the Club by 11:00 am!! :::happy dance::: There I was immediately met by a friendly face and a True Offer of help -- a free Life Coach ♥ I'm gonna take a deep breath of courage and jump into a support style relationship. I just gotta. The gods, with their infinite sense of humor tempered with a bit of actual caring, have put this person on my path with this offer at the exact moment I need it. I'm not one to disregard the gifts of this Life.
Hayden was met with equal joy by several of his friends. As he ran off to play Rock Band & Dodge Ball, I was happily distracted by the daughters of Linda & Scott. Ah, the love they infused into my grey-wallowing thoughts! Pondering enough change for blueberry pop-tarts is so much more important than whatever past-ghost feels the need to haunt me. So much did I need the company of these bountiful spirits, they all decided to follow me home. For hours! (I'm gonna do a whole post over at Bodhicitta) I not only had to pack up the past, I had to be fully present and conscious of my right here, right now with their energy surrounding me.
In the middle of this honorable visit, I popped over to pay our rent. To the usually-in-my-mind grumpy, cantakerous landlord. He was sweet and gentle and oh-so concerned about me. Which is usually his wife's job, she must be having an influence ;) Our rent's caught up and we signed a new lease for the next year.
Then I got to be at Sunnyside Up for the last of the Celtic Jam sessions (they're moving to Old World Deli on Tuesday evenings), sharing my amazing monkey bread (which, thanks to all the yummy butter, I enjoy vicariously). After I helped close the place down, I got to visit Bre and her Josh. Shhhh, don't tell him, but she let me drive his Mercedes home that night ♥ It's really hard to drive when you've got a girl-boner, though I thought I did pretty well!
And it just keeps getting better... I had a looooooong shift on Saturday, as SSU's best Dish Wench (since Mary). The energy of the place, the customers, the artwork, the amazing food, my co-workers & the sense of teamwork... it was straight up exactly what I needed!
Oh, I met a real-live kiwi (the native New Zealander form) who was on his way to Seattle to hop on a plane to go home... he'd planned to take the coast, but was discouraged by the overcast day he awoke to. I recommended he still take the coast (as there are probably a handful of sunny days available to take that trip) and he could let me know if it was particularly awful and I'd not recommend it again. He took me at my word and asked for my e-mail address to inform me later; of course, I asked him to take some Hannah with him. And he agreed excitedly to do so! I can't wait to hear where she leads him...
See, I can see the glorious bounty before me. I can choose to be right here, right now with JOY!

I'm the Artist

Diana's result for The Perception Personality Image Test...

NFPC - The Artist

Nature, Foreground, Big Picture, and Color

You perceive the world with particular attention to nature. You focus on what's in front of you (the foreground) and how that fits into the larger picture. You are also particularly drawn towards the colors around you. Because of the value you place on nature, you tend to find comfort in more subdued settings and find energy in solitude. You like to deal directly with whatever comes your way without dealing with speculating possibilities or outcomes you can't control. You are in tune with all that is around you and understand your life as part of a larger whole. You are a down-to-earth person who enjoys going with the flow.

The Perception Personality Types:

Take The Perception Personality Image Test at HelloQuizzy

Thanks Invisible Friend!

A delicate balance, indeed

Oh how I wish I felt like I had a solid footing in sanity! 'twould be nice, I understand. It's been so long, I don't know if I can remember what it feels like. I want to be happy again. I do know I once was. I sometimes seem glimpses of that happy Self, nothing more than shadows and memory now.
I sleep a lot. And odd hours. Lots of hours. When I'm not sleeping, I'm wishing I was asleep. Television is a calm reprieve from sleeping, though it's much like sleeping with my eyes open. When dreams mirror reality, I rebound with insomnia. Insomnia filled with mindless television. To quiet the "I told you so" voices in my head.
I can pull it together for Hayden. Most of the time. I can still muster up enough energy to be present for him and with him. It's not sparkly, but I'm there. I walk the dog every day. The 30+ minutes I'm on my bike seem like a whole different (oxygenated) world. Then I get off the bike, feet firmly in my present circumstances and I want to sleep.
I want to blame Wells Fargo for their asinine willy-nilly rejection of Scotty's paychecks; when indeed it's my responsibility to ensure we've got cash for groceries. I want to blame Scotty for his self-absolution of financial responsibility; though it's my own lack of assertion that leaves us here. And my jealousy that there's no one to absolve ME of my responsibilities. Somehow I find his on my plate, as well. And add to that a large topping of resentment and heck, I've set myself up for some pretty shitty life circumstances.
I don't know what to do. Maybe I just don't want to do anything. And then I'll still be here chasing my miserable tail.
I wish I could internalize the words of the masters, without my natural cynicism, and take to heart that finding Joy in the right now ensures I attract more Joy to my future Nows.
Where has my optimism gone? Where is my Joy hiding? Where is my connection with Life as an Amazing Adventure?
I just wanna crawl into the bottle of Crown Royal calling me from the kitchen... and yet I know full well that crawling out means the same life circumstances, with a headache and possibly hives.
I don't wanna be a grown up A.N.Y. MORE.