I ♥ Gregory House

I watched an episode years ago, at Sandra's house circa 2005. I've thought of her each time I flip through a random showing. Not until a recent marathon did I find my soulful connection to one Mr. Doctor House... He's in pain. I'm in pain. He takes pills and crabs at people. I take deep breaths and strive not to unnecessarily crab at people. In one episode, he is under some serious pressure from Cuddy, et al, to stop his addiction to pain meds. In his stand to justify his need, the exchange goes something like this:

Cuddy: You take pain pills.
House: I'm in pain.
Cuddy: You take a lot of pain pills.
House: I'm in a lot of pain.

at some point he begins to drop his trousers for her, and we get to see the scars he bears, and he says something like, Seems to me there should be a thigh muscle right here.

I wish I could just point out my scar and say seems to me there should be a Hannah right here...

I see your inner human

Seeing Humanness
Gemini Daily Horoscope

The struggles we all face may touch you on a deep level, which may mean that you look upon others with greater compassion and understanding today. It might be that your awareness of the pain and hurt you have felt, or simply seeing what other people are going through, could inspire you to reach out and empathize with the people around you. Perhaps you can practice looking at everyone you meet through the lens of concern and kindness. As you encounter others, you might imagine what they have been through. Even if you feel like judging someone today, simply picture that they have lost a loved one or have experienced another form of sorrow. Letting yourself see others for who they are could bring you to a greater understanding of their life experiences.

Compassion begins with our being able to connect with the humanity that lies within each and everyone of us. It is easy for us to disassociate from this part of ourselves for once we start recognizing the struggle that exists in all people we might feel overwhelmed. If we simply allow ourselves to see that these experiences are things that bind us together, that is, that even though they are different they are something we all share, we will begin to feel a deeper sense of oneness with other people. By looking for the humanity in other people today, you will find it easier to act with more love, consideration, and sympathy.

Dear Larry,

Here is your official Kick-in-the-Pants. With my rainbow, sunshine and pony image-filled steel-toed boots. Though my price is more than $1: it'll cost ya at least one trip to Oregon to deliver my Swede and a small commitment to finding yer very own source of JOY. I discovered this website yesterday (funny how the universe works innit?) and joined the community at this one. I even drank the kool-aid ordered the book.
Just in case you don't wanna check them out, please remember you've not yet fulfilled your purpose here on Earth -- we're not done with you yet, mister! And, indeed, I am Spirit, You are Spirit, All is Spirit & All is Well.
We love you and can't wait to hear about your exciting new trick of gettin' yer head outta yer ass (hey! I'm an expert ♥). What I've learned with my amazing amount of practice at head-from-ass removal is this: you never stop sticking your head in your ass (as long as you're a human being), what you gain is a proficiency at getting it back out into the fresh air. That's where Life happens!
Big Hugs and Kisses from US ♥

The Whole of Me

When embarking on a serious self-loathing expedition (and yes, your comments -save one- have certainly helped me flog along on this journey, thanks!), it's best to *not* exercise. Not to move farther than the sofa, refrigerator & toilet. Ever. Exercise brings oxygen, which carries off all kinds of crud from one's body. And soul. Spiritual wallowing, along with it's physical partner (and a good House marathon), becomes impossible with movement.
Eckhart Tolle describes a full-presence with one's body. As I ride my bike, I think of proper posture (thanks Mrs. Surts!) and the strengthening of my core muscles. Before the three miles are over, I'm thinking it's not just the physical core that's been exercised. If the core is not strong, the other "muscles" must perform duties that will, indeed, tax them to the point of injury. Aha! So my core being, my center of gooey-love for myself, must be intact and performing it's own responsibilities, so that the rest of me doesn't fall down around my proverbial ears.
As I practice being aware of my abdominal muscles and all they do for the whole of me, I am becoming aware of my spiritual center and how the work of it's strength is ultimately a realization of the Whole of Me.
Note to internal choir: Moneychangers and thieves beware, you're no longer welcome in the Temple of Diana.

A Thought on Process

It starts with a clench,
Radiating to my heart,
Awakening me.

My mind moves slowly,
Scanning for a piece of truth,
Needing to be safe.

Truth is never safe,
The Soul already knows it-
Ego's Death is fierce.

Now is all we have,
We exist beyond our words,
Beyond our great thoughts.

Fully in presence,
We are truly uncovered,
Are you glad to see?

What is there to fear?
Why do we cling so blindly?
What comforts are gained?

To release the tale,
And stand in your quiet center,
Is to know the Truth.

As Zaphod found out,
Total Perspective Vortex
Ain't such a bad place.

Conveying Your Feelings

September 6, 2008
Conveying Your Feelings
Gemini Daily Horoscope

You may find it easier to openly express your affection to loved ones today which could put you in a much more tender and warmhearted mood. Being able to really say how you feel might be way for you to create a greater amount of intimacy between you and those you care about. Perhaps taking a few minutes before you share your feelings to really look within and ask yourself what is going on inside of your heart can help strengthen your ability to clarify how you truly feel today. You might also wish to keep in mind that your reflections may also reveal more concrete ways to show your love such as by lending another person a helping hand, giving them a loving embrace or simply keeping them company with your soothing and warm presence.

There are many ways to convey the depth of our emotions for other people. While it might always seem easiest to say things with words, if we really take the time to think about what course of action will best illustrate our feelings, we will probably find that there are deeper and more meaningful ways to get our message across. Since whatever way works best for us in any given moment may change with time, it is always a good idea to ask our inner selves to guide us in terms of what we should do. Showing your true feelings either through your words or actions today will bring more honesty to your relationship and make you closer to your loved ones.

In the works...

I saw my first Deaf Corvallis residents the other day ♥ A great reminder to me of the gift, languishing within me, awaiting an opportunity to share with my community. I will be dropping off my application packet at OSU on Monday, to get on the schedule for the fall term (begins the end of September). Mayhap there will be some cool community work available :)
I'm inspired to interpret my talks into ASL & I've offered to do others' talks, too (let me know if you'd like me to make yours available!). I can't wait to have this incredibly necessary information available to the Deaf Community at large!!
Now, I'm playing with a conceptually accurate interpretation of *unschooling* -- "none" + "school" --- maaaaybe, not exactly accurate enough, "Self + Boss + Learn"?? "Free" + "Learn" seems good, but public education doesn't cost any money, either ::bg:: "Open mind" + "Experience" + "Life" seems appropriate.... could be a lifetime of consideration and meanwhile I will become incredibly proficient at fingerspelling it!!

Blog Clarification

My previous post was in no way an attack on any individual, nor any organization and certainly not intended to insult any one of my friends.
Q-tip: Quit taking it personally.
As a recap, in case these sentences were missed:

**In total honesty I can say it's purely because my energy was focused on how the whole situation should be instead of working with how it is and what can be done right now.
**My thoughts were stuck in a 20 year old mire.
**There's an internal processing called for here...
**My mind got totally caught...
**I even put our Love Machine on craig's list to sell.
**the event holds incredible emotional value to me.
**I was really stuck in...

This blog is therapeutic for me. If someone is holding a gun to your head, forcing you to read my offensive thoughts, tell them to stop! They're not there by my command/request.
Continue to read here at your own risk.
I apologize if that has not been made clear. Now it has.

Interpreting and Unschooling

A marriage made in heaven, no? I embody both a deep understanding of, love and respect for, ASL/Deaf Culture and the Principles of Unschooling. Both represent incredible passions woven deeply into my Life's Experience. Why am I not interpreting at this weekend's unschooling conference?
In total honesty I can say it's purely because my energy was focused on how the whole situation should be instead of working with how it is and what can be done right now.
My thoughts were stuck in a 20 year old mire. A happy-memory-filled mire, yes, still not a productive place for my current energy to be invested. See, 20 years ago I was an interpreter at CSUN, specializing in the Engineering Department. When an opportunity came along for a student to attend a NASA conference in Cleveland, OH, I was first picked to go. My willingness to work translated to: Round-trip airfare, hotel room, $50/day meal allowance, $200 per diem for 4 hours of interpreting maximum. The rest of the time there was my own. The conference paid for local interpreters to do the jobs I didn't want to do (I picked fun stuff, like the NASA tour & famous engineering braniacs talking about topics that interested me).
So when I was asked to do an unschooling event, I was rearing to go! I checked local laws and found out how to align legally and ethically. And I pondered the pay issue. It is unethical for an interpreter to volunteer for a job that would normally be a source of income for another. I cannot undercut the local interpreters, nor can I sell my profession short, by offering my services for considerably less money than it's *worth.* And right now, in North Carolina, it's worth about $40/hour, portal to portal from the nearest city - at least an hour away.
There's an internal processing called for here... is it about the money? is it about the service? is it about the message? is it about our professional standing as a whole? What is my priority?
We live in a society, right or wrong, that uses cash value as an easy marker for actual worth. The cash value offered to me for my professional work was approximately $800. For 4 days of very intense, long houred, interpreting & facilitating communications.
My mind got totally caught on the thought "I'm not willing to take a pay cut that deep!"
I negotiated. I begged. I even put our Love Machine on craig's list to sell. Mostly because, even without the monetary value, the event holds incredible emotional value to me. Emotional Value cannot be measured and held up as *worth.*
What I really wanted was to be valued for what I was capable of bringing. I was really stuck in "It's not worth another $400 to get me there? REALLY?!"
And in reality it wasn't. It's not.
And in the here and now, I'm okay. I'm sure the event is okay. Life is good and all is as it should be.

Dear Sarah Palin,

You are the embodiment of why I cannot call myself a feminist. I don't believe that a paid job is ever more important than the unpaid honor of being a mother. Your children need their mother. Period. The fact you returned to work three days after giving birth to a child with special needs reflects how little your bonding with this new life means to you. You chose to have babies. As an adult, you are well aware that sexual intercourse without birth control means you run a very high risk of getting pregnant (Penis+Vagina=Baby; P+V=B, for short). The honor you feel in the receiving of this special soul is moot in the face of the disregard you've shown by putting your paid job over the needs of your child; all babies need and deserve their mother available to them. Will you openly and willingly disregard the needs of your family for the needs of this country? Your answer of *yes* only fuels my passion for your loss at the polls.
Further evidence of your disregard for your children is evident in your daughter's announcement of her pregnancy before marriage. Lord knows I have no issue with children conceived and/or born outside of wedlock -- I was a one-night-stand baby who's parents have been married for 40.5 years. I have HUGE issue with folks who stand on their bible and state "Abstinence Only" is the only method of sexual education our kids need. Looks like your hypocrisy has bitten you in the proverbial ASS, honey! If only your daughter could have come to you for support in choosing an effective form of birth control. If only you would have talked to your daughter about the options of physical love available to her. If only she'd known that outercourse and oral sex were of no to low risk for pregnancy & disease. If only you were open to knowing and supporting her first great love affair.
And while were on the topic of pregnancy... I really don't mind of a man thinks women are too stupid to be granted the same privacy in the doctor's office that the constitution guarantees all citizens; they're far from being a woman, it's okay. For a woman to support this idea, is completely beyond my human understanding. And yeah, that's exactly what I think the so-called "Pro-Life" movement really is: the overwhelming belief that the constitution doesn't apply to women, the weaker gender. So, we're smart enough to run for vice-president, leaving our children to the care of strangers, but we're not smart enough to have a private conversation/procedure at our doctors' offices? hmmmm... please explain how this makes sense in your mind. (for what it's worth, I am full-on Pro-Life, I think life is amazing and everyone who has a chance to live should take it; doesn't mean however, that I am anti-choice or somehow selective in my application of the constitution. I guess that makes me 100% Pro-Constitution)
I can't even touch on the politics you stand for... Have you seen the tenants of the Republican Party? They're here, on the official Republican Party page. If you read them carefully, you will understand, as I do, that I am more of a Republican than the people you're meeting with on a regular basis. Perhaps you should take these to heart, they're more important to the Vice President's job than the 10 Commandments. Truly. (e.g. while the commandments have nothing to say about shooting your best friend in the face, the republicans would say that act violates the first tenant: ...each person’s dignity, freedom, ability and responsibility must be honored)
I look even more forward to your ticket's defeat this coming November than I had before you joined the team. I think it's only fair for me to state clearly exactly why I'll be working tirelessly to ensure your family does not become the model of what is healthy, happy and right in America today.
Namaste,
me ♥

If not now, when?

On a big ride with Charlie yesterday, I began listening to "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. I know it's sinking in with the right message when:

Last night at Border's, H & I were looking at the Klutz kits and thinking of the ones we used to have; the ones Hannah used to have. He looked at me and asked are you gonna cry in the bookstore? I looked right back and said I can't very well be fully present in the Now if I'm sad and thinking about the past, can I? and he smiled the biggest smile I've seen in a long time It's a present mom, that's why it's The Present.

I've got a funny connection to Mr. Tolle, he's been dancing around my consciousness for a long while... NOW seems to be the perfect time for me to hear what he has to say (in his fabulous Freud-invoking accent!). Oak is my friend. He's just like his name, a big ol' strong log. Huge, even. He spent one year at a Zen monastery as a participant, volunteer, then staff member. His second year there, he was in the forest, silent. When he came out of his seclusion, the first human he encountered was Master Tolle!
It is the perfect time for me to hear the inspiring words, the message of "nothing else exists but right now" I'm sure I'll be throwing out quotes as I listen again and again and allow my mind to quiet and the messages to resonate in my soul ♥