The Gifts of 2006

Tough to make an inclusive list of my gifts this year, so I'll do some highlights:
Hannah - the girl who made me a mommy and the girl who showed me the mommy possible within me; the girl I'll miss every single day the rest of my life.
Hayden - the boy who wanted nothing more than his mommy's full attention now has it and through him, my mothering evolution continues.
The Unschool Community - those who inspire me with their wisdom every day, with their shared stories and inspiration; the gifts of support, love and gratitude that continue to pour into our lives (ah, the computer, the quilt, the flowers, the words, the gifts, the music...)
My Friends who should be Family - the whole lot of you people who come one by one into my universe, showing me not only who I am but better still, whom I can be; for those who have come to me for the first time, those who have always been here and those who have returned: I'm so glad we're here together.
Live and Learn - what would I do without this commune? I don't wanna know, I don't even want to imagine... Kelly Lovejoy, your gift to our world is immeasurable.
Bemidji - the lake forest utopia (complete with amazing unschoolers) comforting, healing and accepting place for my entire family. Not to mention the place I got my latest tattoo :)
ABQ - What a great healing city, filled with my favoritest unschoolers ever, the aaaaaahhhhhh of a wood burning hottub, falling in love, and the desert residing prairie dogs.
Corvallis - Really, what could be better than Fair Trade, Organic coffee with Unschoolers for company? Okay it's coffee, unschoolers, challa and LOVE!
Rapid City - Once thought of as a terrifically conservative place filled with haunting Hannah memories is now a place of comfort and love, filled with new happy memories of me and the Boy.
My crazy family - nothing in the world makes me feel more normal than my functionally disfunctional family members. If they weren't who they are, I certainly wouldn't be who *I* am.
Kar Karma God - From Hermione Honda to the amazing Loaner Windstar to our New Year beginning with Howard Honda.
Art - the inspiration to express myself through the tiny (ha!) world of ATCs and to share said inspiration with others; my beading expertise and my luck and finding just the right design for the moment.
Music - From Amy Steinberg for inspiration, to Danny Schmidt for my theme song, to the peek into others' unschooling lives via Imagination Tribe soundtracks.
Media - From Elizabethtown to The Secret, my world is a'rockin!
....I know there's more, I know there are gifts I've yet to open who's seeds have been planted in 2006 and will bloom in 2007.
So dear reader, thank you for being here, for tolerating my diatribe and for contributing to making my world a much better place.

random thoughts from the forest

*I'm thinking, after finding a 5 year old journal of mine, that I may have some vested interest in my relationship conflicts with Hayden. yeah, yeah, yeah Tigers hate Monkeys which has been my unfortunate mantra with the boy, since conception. What I've come to realize (thanks Marty and Madelyn) that yeah, the chittering, bouncing monkey can be incredibly annoying to the introspective, pondering tiger... doesn't mean either have to be pissed off, doesn't mean there can't be an amicable relationship; just means there is no wrong in this combination, just means we gotta figure out how the monkey and the tiger can make this work. So the monkey inspires the tiger to be more free-spirited and the tiger inspires the monkey to slow down and think. hmmmm
*We're moving, we're awaiting our new home to appear, wherever that may be... we already give our thanks for the next perfect place for us to be.
*I am patient. I am the kind of friend who can await my loved ones emergence from cocoon time. On their own schedules.
*Snow in the forest is beautiful. Thank you Hayden for bringing me here to enjoy it (thanks for conjuring it!!)
*I am the alpha and the omega. Not only as a mommy, but as diana, in my entire existence and experience of this Life.

Holy Holydays!

aaahhhh! So glad the craziness of Xmas is over... and yet, any kind of ending makes me sad...

just about anything can make me sad at this point, though, so it's not to be taken terribly seriously, which is sad in itself...
I'm bleeding, so I'm prone to crying...
My kid died, so I'm prone to crying...
I carry XX, so I'm prone to crying...
I'm all the fuck alone, I'm SO prone to crying...
I need sleep, so I'm prone to crying...
...gonna go work on that one, it seems to be the only one on the list fixable

Nani's Cloud

Get your cloud here

So as to be less disruptive to others...

Gemini - 12/23/06 - You can talk about intense issues now in a way that others won't find threatening. Nevertheless, you might not know when to quit and could push your opinions too vehemently. It's fortunate that your charm is working so well now, for you just might need it to smooth over the feathers you could inadvertently ruffle. Calming your own anxiety first can help you be less disruptive to everyone else.

Merry Winter!

It's the first full day of Winter. Another new season. The Wheel keeps turning. At promptly 6:22 pm, I welcomed the returning Sun with a Chas'-new-house full o'people in Vermilion by lighting a candle in my Solstice Angel holder. We got her last year and I'm so glad to continue the ritual with her and my real-life angel. I brought tall glass vigil candles, which we decorated individually for our ritual. Food was great, company was amazing! Hayden made immediate friends with Owen, whom we will be returning to Vermilion to spend more time with!! We created circle with my favorite invocation ;), we went round the circle and welcomed others into our circle with us in Spirit. We took turns lighting our candles from the Source we lit at the moment of Winter's onset. We then spoke of where our Light will cast out shadows in the coming year.
There were countless 'round the kitchen counter and out on the deck and in the garage wisdom sharing and witty conversation. Enlightenment was the theme ::g::
This morning we had breakfast with Chas and Colette (we rode down with Colette's cousin, Karla), then coffee downtown so the boys could meet up for a little bit before the holiday craziness.
We had the ladies soup/gift exchange party tonight. It was much more fun than I imagined. We had Dee, Darla, Donna, Bunnie, Me, DeAnna, Linda, Kelly, Emma, Trisha, Suzy and Karna in it this year, and I've gotta admit the gift caliber was not as sucky as previous years may have been ;) My parents will celebrate their 39th anniversary tomorrow (not so bad for a one night stand!) at the family's Christmas gathering; then more Kraziness at Karna's -- Will be a fun-filled somethin or other!! :)

continuing my courage...

Strength

May courage be your ally.

Deck: Cagliostro

More about this card

My Daily Tarot Reading

card art © US Games

What has traditionally been known as the Strength card represents Nature which, however wild in its primal form, is tamed by our subtler, finer (feminine, interior) self. The will and passion of our instinctive nature does not need to be broken, but refined and brought to consciousness -- so that all levels of Creation, inner and outer, may come into harmony.

The feminine soul-force contains a persuasive power that can nurture and induce cooperation from others, stilling disruptive energies by harmonizing differences in the spirit of collective good will.

Mimi and me

My mother in law called last night. I think it's the first time we've spoken since Hayden's birthday. Strange how it's always great to talk to her, to reconnect; and yet, when we don't speak, this bizarre fear settles into that empty space, allowing longer and longer times without communication. We had a long talk about what's been going on in her life and her family (happy to report some family members have regained their senses and communication is at least occurring). We commiserated about Xmas and how hard it is to get the Spirit (the gumption ::g::) this year. I told her of our Oregon vacation and Mitch's Death Day celebration... the little things I've managed to accomplish for the holidays this year...
Gramma Baby's sick. Like this is it kinda sick. The steady downhill run towards Heaven. Towards the great big party awaiting their Guest of Honor.
Her Parkinson's is getting worse. She's using a walker to get around. Bob and Armida are still joyfilled at the honor of caring for her. They have help come in a few hours a day, with *visitors* who come when they need to be away in the evening. She's still Gran. She's still full of Love; though the Life may be draining.
She'll be 89 in February... one of the most evolved humans I've ever met. Her heart is open and free and big enough to crawl inside and feel safe. For a woman who started her wife/mother career at the same age I began my periods, she is seriously unjaded, no cynicism lives in her. She's a puff-ball capped cave of Wisdom. (her hair is as soft as it looks, like a Q-tip, none of that wiry grey stuff, it's a white cloud hovering around her crown chakra ::g::) I like to say she's still collecting her marbles, hasn't lost a one and still knows where they're all located!

Of all the people in Mitch's family, I love her the most. I think we all do. She's the shit. She's the context that makes this whole jumbled up congregation of relatives make sense. She loves us all. It's easy to love with her around.
I want to see her again. I want to have coffee and toast and cry and remember and laugh. I want her to tell me that it's all part of the plan and it will all work out. I want tortillas and carnitas. I want some chile. I wanna carry some of her Light in my heart, always.
We're going out the beginning of April, before the conference. Mimi's planning to retire near then, so she'll possibly be home full-time. 'twill be good for our hearts to drive the beautiful coast North to Oregon.

Sexy Santa

Check out this

The Secret - (a) for action

Yes, this movie will change your life... if you let it!
It's seeping in and yesterday I saw The Secret in action, right in my very own life.
I had an appointment with Santa yesterday afternoon and I needed to coordinate some company for Hayden. He was insistent in how he wanted things to go and it was in direct conflict with how Eli wanted things to go. I got all aarrgghh and tense and grumbly. As I was talking myself down, I bumped the curb right on that one spot where it pokes out a bit and punctured the sidewall. Yeah. I breathed deep and let it end there. Hayden and Eli worked it out, I got a ride to and from the Santa thing.
My mom picked me up and we went shopping. She offered to go in with me on a gift for Hayden, we decided on an MP3 player. As we're driving and deciding where to go... {side rant warning: she had already scoped out Wal-Mart and, well, I just couldn't do it, I couldn't use Wal-Mart.com for music subscription, even for three months (call me Frank Zappa)} I notice no one is turning left, so I say, Let's go the opposite direction of everyone else and go to Best Buy. It was crazy there, but still within diana toleration levels :) Mom asked me what I want for xmas and I told her I'd like her to buy the MP3 player as my gift and let me keep my cash for the rest of the month, and she agreed (for those who know DeLila, this is big breakthrough!!) and we got the boy a pretty cool one, with a 2 mo. subscription. We picked up a microwave for Gramma Bunnie; we found one with a built in toaster... it was too corny/effective to pass up. Mom grumbled a minute about going over the $120; I pointed out it was certainly $5 cool and what a great thing to do, lalalalalala; she breathed and found some joy in it. Enough joy that some spilled over to the check out line, where I picked up the $10 Muppets/John Denver Christmas CD and she bought it for me. We're having a great time, in line and whadayaknow she gets some crazy bonus of a $15 Best Buy gift card for herself!!! See!! Exactly the amount of her spontaneous generosity!
And just to round it off, Uncle Troy works at a tire place, with a mad supply of free tires. Since the tire popped in front of his house, it was no biggie to put the van in the garage and take the rim to work today and put another tire on it.
the secret is: Life is Good!

today's hmmmm

Diana's Horoscope:

It is too easy to focus solely on external circumstances, for there are important interactions taking place. If, however, you stay only in the outer realms, you may find yourself in an endless conversation that leads nowhere fast. If, on the other hand, you have the courage to look within yourself, you may be able to discover an important truth that can shed clarity on your current relationship issues.

Just take the hint, lady!

Processing, processing, processing... wanting all of this to come out in language appropriate and in line with my universal request *&* getting my kvetching out ;)
Loneliness is banished as is the darkness, with the sun's return.
*****
(read: I'm really fucking lonely and it really fucking sucks!)
I went three fucking years without sex. THREE YEARS!! Over the past four years, I've dated the coolest guys; intensely dynamic, amazing humans. Fun, story-inspiring, charming, entertaining men. In my life far too temporarily, even for my fickle Gemini self.
One had this great story about how is ex-girlfriend/business partner wouldn't appreciate our relationship. Another thinks I'm a heathen and he can't get past the Jesus factor and just have me and love every crazy minute of it. One's a drunk. One's too busy. I met one family with 2 kids; I met another with one. They're all scared. One was the best Valentine's Date ever. Vacation was fun with two of them. I got to have sex with a couple of 'em, though I've been naked with three. I had a lot of sex with one of them. Two got to meet Hannah. One got to know her. Three have taken care of her ashes. Movies were first dates with two. Only two I'm sad to see go. Two I'd be glad to see. All I'd be nice to when encountered in public.
I totally understand why (these) men would conjure me out of the universe ::g:: but when I appear, it's like some sick and twisted Weird Science thing where they don't know what to do with this creature they've conjured (and I'll admit it's been equally entertaining in some twisted way -- ah shit it's all because I watched this movie too often?? eek!!).
On some level, as diana, I get that --I rarely know what the hell I'm gonna do with me, either ::g:: -- but roll-the fuck-withit!! I'm somehow bumbling thru understanding it all. Honestly, they've all only got *me* in common so it's in *me* somewhere.
I wanna have a hissy and quit -- and I know that's not the message I want to send.
I'm really not done. I want to believe. I want to have faith.
I want to place my fucking order and get it filled, like really filled and not this half-way heart bullshit I seem to find every fucking where I am! WTF??
That was cathartic. It's nice to have that OUT and not in anymore.
Mission Accomplished. I'm going to bed now.
Rapid City was amazing and I shall blog forthwith- after sleep, that is :)

I'll be working on clarifying my order...

Last Night's Memorial Service

I went to dinner before the service with Hayden, Eli and Aunt Donna at Cracker Barrell; I fortified myself with mashed potatoes and razzles! (first they're candy...)
I hesitate to review the service... let's see if I get on a roll...
I got a really cool, big brass bell to ring on Solstice. We got a smaller on at the service when Mitch died, the kids rang it anytime they wanted his full and present Spiritul attention.
It was somehow comforting to be in a room filled with sad people, knowing I'm/we're not alone.
Hayden remembered the space from Hannah's Fat Tuesday Feast; I didn't see him but for a quick minute in the middle of the service (He walked down when her name was called, to collect our family's bell) then he was gone again. I had a bit of snacky-goodness and looked at all the other sad folk. Not one of us is sure how to be, not even with each other, the collected sad mass. There wasn't any laughter, no cheering up, no joy of the sugar rush, no shared tales... sadness and goodies. We didn't stay long. The peanut brittle was good, though.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

I think this is why I'm called into the topic of Death. There are 347 ways last night could have been better and I have the energy to talk about at least one or 12. Actually, instead, I would throw out the entire template for last night and do something comforting and uplifting. Ah, okay, maybe it is comforting to have the traditional church service platform... I'll figure that in...
First, just because it's Christmastime in the Christian Tradition, it's unfair to assume that all who mourn at this time of year are Christian. This time of year is powerful on many levels and to many faiths, many paths, much wisdom, and many stories of inspiration. The Jewish tale of the Macabees and the 8 days of oil -- what faith!! What great role models for the mourning... it's okay to mention them in a xian church, He heard the story every year of his Jewish life at Hannukah. Even a story of Light Renewal, solstice and survival of the Longest Night and the Return of the Sun to the world. whew....
Okay, so open with the story of Lazarus, at least. Give us SAD Jesus, for his own sake and ours!! Let us share tears with the Messiah, he lost his brother-in-law, he knows heartbreak. I'll even sit through comparisons of resurrections and heaven, just to share some godbless-ed grief! [I gotta say, the opening words of empathy for the mustering of joy at this most joyous time of year, then having the first hymn be "Joy to the World"?? I question your forethought!]
My first song would be, "Mary did you know?" (cause I think Jesus is a great role model for accepting what happens in life and I think this is an anthem each new mother should ponder for her very own child and each grownup should think about their own lives and the purpose thereof and remember we all started out as babies who's mommies had no clue of our future and cause Mary was a really sad mommy when her kid died, too... Imagine her first xmas without her baby) Throw in a few more sad people from the bible if need be. Even talk about those women who took care of his body upon his death.
But then talk about his/our freedom from death. That the ultimate enlightenment awaits us (no, not if we believe, because we ARE) on the other side of the veil. Sing then Lord of the Dance
Dance, then, wherever you may be;
I am the Lord of the Dance, said he.
And I’ll lead you all wherever you may be,
And I’ll lead you all in the dance, said he.
I like the whole Life as a Dance metaphor; I also like the idea of Jesus as some kind of afterworld tourguide, leadin' ya round... the song is very "Namaste" in it's final verse, my favorite:
They cut me down and I leapt up high,
I am the life that’ll never, never die;
I’ll live in you if you’ll live in me;
I am the Lord of the Dance, said he.
Your job ain't done just cause you're dead :::bg:::
Be the Lord of Your Dance.
Alright, crying too much over that song, I guess that's where I'd have to end the service.
>ETA: I really would have to end with Spirit of Life, something life affirming and uplifting.
Spirit of life come unto me. Sing in my heart all the stirrings of compassion. Blow in the wind; rise in the sea. Move in the hand giving life the shape of justice. Roots hold me close; Wings set me free. Spirit of Life, come to me, come to me<
What about "Turn, turn, turn" Seems appropriate and church worthy!
I would have a big display in the snacky room where photographs could be displayed and candles lit.
The peanut brittle was good though. I'd keep the peanut brittle lady.

ho, ho, HO!

Get Your Own! | More Flash Toys

Get Your Own! | More Flash Toys

AP Television

As I came out of the post office today, a camera man asked if I would speak to the Tim Johnson situation. Thank the stars I have the news on my Google home page!! I had just read about Tim's mystery illness, though nothing today... eek! So I agreed and I spoke to how hard this must be at this time of year for his family and I hope they are able to have the support they need for their new situation. He asked me about Mike Rounds replacing Tim, should he be incapable of returning to work. I told him I'd sure like to see Tom Daschle back in Washington again! hee hee hee

what are you saying?

Gemini: You can usually deal with unexpected changes in your schedule, yet today might test your willingness to roll with the punches. Perhaps you are pulled off course by friends who have fewer responsibilities than you at this time. Playful activities with children might sound like more fun than what you need to do. Whatever distracts you now, make sure that you don't lose the healthy balance in your life.

Let us live gladly! Quite certainly we are free to do it. Perhaps it is our only freedom, but ours it is, and it is only phenomenally a freedom. 'Living free' is being 'as one is'. Can we not do it now? Indeed can we not-do-it? It is not even a 'doing': it is beyond doing and not-doing. It is being as-we-are. This is the only 'practice'. 'All Else is Bondage; Non-Volitional Living' - Wei Wu Wei

Courageous Thursday

courageous

adjective possessing or displaying courage; able to face and deal with danger or fear without flinching; "Familiarity with danger makes a brave man braver but less daring"- Herman Melville; "a frank courageous heart...triumphed over pain"- William Wordsworth; "set a courageous example by leading them safely into and out of enemy-held territory" [syn: brave] [ant: cowardly]

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Well-fortified with a Karen Coffee (big ol' Carmel Breve today! catch a glimpse in the picture!) from Black Sheep & some dark chocolate covered coffee beans (I'm sprung!!), I decided to head over to Hannah's Bench to finally take some pictures. (more pix & a video on the bodhicitta blog)

IN LOVING MEMORY OF

HANNAH LEA JENNER

All Souls Church

Unitarian Universalist

I once had Hannah's bracelet wrapped around the urn's neck... it broke (I've saved the beads for future art work ::g::) and I replaced it with this beautiful goddess hemp wrap. The hemp and most of the blue beads were from a kit I bought for Hannah last summer at the Sidewalk Arts Festival (she has my green beaded one on in our family pictures from last November), which we never got around to doing together. While we were in Corvallis, Hayden found Goddess Nirvana at the downtown bead store!! We bought lots and lots of little goddesses... and couldn't part with many! I've got the most of our stash wrapped around my baby girl. Ultimate sisterhood, I was surrounded by the most amazing female energy while I made it and blessed it and wrapped it; I am reminded each time I see it. Thank you to the women who were with me in body: Mary, Qacei, Donna, Madelyn, Mercedes, Joni & the multitude of other Corvallis Sprites I encountered and to the whole of you who are with me always in Spirit. Today's a good day. I'm ready for some bell ringin, some carol singin, some big ol snot rollin tear sheddin and some Big Christmas Hope Buildin!! I'm still diana. Danggummit, I am. I'm gonna laugh today, I'm glad to be alive. I can feel the good stuff!

Self Portrait Tuesday - RED 2

I'm wearing a red bra.
It's a sexy one.

Breathed my way thru Tuesday

Tuesday, December 12, 2006 Every little thing is blown out of proportion today, yet it's not just because you are lost in your fearful fantasies. Others, too, are part of the problem, for they may be making a project more complicated than is needed. Beneath this mental inflation is the reality that you are dealing with large issues. Remember to breathe deeply and think before you act. A cool approach can help you calm down enough to put everything back into a more workable perspective.

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I'm gonna go do some artwork while the boy sleeps and the muse calls...

I don't have an accent... it's the lack thereof you're not hearing...

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Inland North You may think you speak "Standard English straight out of the dictionary" but when you step away from the Great Lakes you get asked annoying questions like "Are you from Wisconsin?" or "Are you from Chicago?" Chances are you call carbonated drinks "pop."
The Midland
The Northeast
Philadelphia
The South
The West
Boston
North Central
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Gettin the Gumption

completely lost yesterday. don't know what happened, I slept away most of it. totally avoided the candle light service last night. absolutely not ready to go public.

Happy Solstice to Hayden, we picked up Guitar Hero II this morning... I'm feeling guilty because the disc for GHI is missing... and I got no gumption. So we each paid half and he gets his solstice gift 11 days early :) He just played Surrender by Cheap Trick. We used to sing it to the kids all the time. Long forgotten Family Anthem. Just know that this is what you got, Life is easier if you just surrender.
This is the December I got. I gotta surrender. I gotta surrender the Decembers I've already had. I've got to surrender the Decembers I won't ever have. I've gotta surrender to *this* December. To this only one time ever in this lifetime, this December right here. The one chance I've got at Now. Mama's alright; she just seems a little weird.
I surrender my sadness to the here and now.
I surrender my gift for joymaking and commit to sharing it with the world today.
I'm gettin' the gumption.
I'm dressed and out of bed. Not shrieking.
Three signs it's could be a good day.
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Dave Koz has a great holiday album, "December Makes Me Feel This Way" with a very peaceful picture of Dave smiling in the snow. He wrote it after his dad died. It's that melancholy joy that doesn't quite make sense, even in the midst of it. I'm gonna hang out with Dave and his saxophone today...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Horoscope for Gemini: Life can get complicated as you are left unsatisfied by the same light and easy interactions that are usually quite fulfilling. Although serious emotions can make you feel uneasy, you are being asked to swim into deeper waters now. You have much to learn about intimacy, though you may try to avoid the intensity at all costs. You can get ahead of the wave by diving in before you are pushed.
>hmmm, I am feeling this; it's not serious emotions making me feel uneasy, it's emotions, it's any emotional swimming of any kind. Yeah intimacy and intensity, fuck you, I'm just fine right here firmly on the sand, watching. Yeah, like that. So. Yeah. Huh? Right. I can, too. Right here. Stayin. Sure. For now. Not long, though. Okay, fine! I'll feel, but it will suck. Not mostly suck, some suck, but suck just the same. Just so ya know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything. - Kurt Vonnegut
>well, I've got that going for me, I'm a freakin' laugh a minute over here! Somebody come laugh at me!

Winter Solstice

I love, love, love Winter Solstice... we've had a yule log and good company, as our tradition continues to grow and take shape; each year a celebration of it's own. One year we took part in a Palm Family tradition of the Advent Spiral. Hands down my favorite of all renewal ceremonies.

Melanie laid a spiral out on her basement floor with duct tape and garland. In the center stood "The Source," a lit candle to represent your personal source of "Light Renewal." The circle was opened with prayer. Each participant has their own unlit candle to meditate with as we stand in circle; each person walking the spiral, towards the Light, in silence. Once the Light has been Renewed from the Center, the group begins to share the ways the Light does Shine from this individual. Lit candles are left along the way, to illuminate the Way of others to come. When the ceremony is completed by everyone present, our Collective Light is a powerful reminder of Life Possible. I'm so excited to take part in the Spiral again this year and I'm excited to bring home the inspiration to an East River Solstice celebration, too.
It will be a dark sky, come Solstice... perfect night for a fire and some dancing and bell ringing and sharing of the gifts with the neighborhood critters.

My Courageous Self Portrait

Red

It's the Real thing... all hail the sacred red!

A.C.T.

This advice deserves it's own post... powerful! To serve as a great expression of what *IS* and an amazing testament to the inherent wisdom within Christine...

>>I have a huge fear of holiday family gatherings... the business-as-usual act is gonna grate on me, but turning Hannah into a side-show will, too... where is the balance? Where can we miss her and be so sad she's not here and still have a joyful holiday with our Lights renewed through one another? <<

Acknowledge that you miss her, outloud,
Commit to the feeling, cry, speak, walk away, whatever,
Transition the feeling, for the JOY that actually exists, AS
Hannah, through Hannah, for all of you this Christmas.

This was my instinct, cuz, geez, if you can't fall apart and be miserable around your family, then recover, eat some hot plate...and go home, then it's just not Christmas!!

I admire you very much, your ability to balance your grief with the joy that is Diana, it is an amazing act of Geminitis, perhaps even inventing a new emotion known has Dianaitis: simultaneously being gut wrenching sad and giggling like a fool, with tears streaming down your grinning face.

hang in there (lame phrase)

Love You (cool phrase)

Christine

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

If *this* is what's hiding beneath anyone's fear, a deep intense beautiful Wisdom, then I say we all need to take Amy's advice and "fuck away the fear and maybe, just maybe, the distain will disappear!" That icky self-distain that prevents us from being wholly who we are. I feel it creeping in, an unwelcome addition to my list... ah, but it is the list that attracts it...
Life is Good and I will continue to be supported in this view by the world around me.
I am lucky and I am blessed.
Thanks.

I already knew this...

Tuesday, December 5, 2006 Your moods are a bit uncontrollable today and this can inspire you to react without thinking. More often, you are the one who cleverly motivates others, but the tables are turned for the next few weeks as your associates push you into action. You won't be able to get away without cooperating, so use this phase to act in a forward-thinking manner instead of waiting until it's too late.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
So instead of wallowing today, I did this:

I did the artwork last week, but today I assembled over 20 of them and I did some different ones, too... Watercolor was really fun, like way more fun than I ever remember. Very cathartic, this project.
-=-=-=-=-=
Tonight I celebrate the Gemini Full Moon with my Sisters... all will Be Well.

Courage

So it is... what a great topic for me to address this month. I will require the most courage I think I've ever mustered in my entire life.

Putting the tree up was a leap of faith, faith that something will feel good about this holiday; that I can capture the Spirit and allow the newness to Be.
Wallowing was high on my list of priorities today. It didn't work. Traditionally, it doesn't work. When I talk about it, people are so amazed, the whole "pity party" theme is gone as I work to convince them that indeed I am miserable. 'cept it is true that I am rarely wholly miserable. Even in the darkest times, I am aware of the Light of Life that surrounds me and how amazing this existence is. Still doesn't mean that it's all roses and sunshine... it's like that danged balance my horoscope talks about... when am I sad? to whom do I speak? where is it safe? who will tell me that indeed it's fucked up and I shouldn't have to do this and I don't have to do what I don't wanna?
I have a huge fear of holiday family gatherings... the business-as-usual act is gonna grate on me, but turning Hannah into a side-show will, too... where is the balance? Where can we miss her and be so sad she's not here and still have a joyful holiday with our Lights renewed through one another? There are so many other joys to share, new futures to begin...

I dunno. I'm bleeding and I'm crying and I'm lonely and I'm just gonna freak out for a little while. Then I'll be okay. That's what I do.

Meanwhile, the Tree is beautiful!

But what if I don't wanna??

General Daily Overview

The Full Moon in dualistic Gemini at 7:25 pm EST reflects our need to connect everyday experiences with a wider vision of life. We are inquisitive and want to interact more with others, especially as the Moon picks up on a tense square with eccentric Uranus. Meanwhile, Gemini's key planet Mercury squares stern Saturn, restricting what is said. Still, we must activate our minds by engaging in dialogue to learn about our role in the world.

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20) You can change your mind so quickly today that it's difficult knowing which self is the true you. This Full Moon in your sign requires you to balance your feelings with the expectations of others. The bottom line is that if you want to howl at the Moon, go ahead and do it. It's better to express things as you feel them, rather than letting the emotions bottle up inside you.

6 years a widow...

The Last Night

...of my 6th year in the Life formerly known as the New One;
this chapter must be the New New Life.

For somethin' I was never gonna do I'm not sure how to measure my aptitude... I'm certainly doing and I'm chugging along being and that is what it is... My Life.
I like to mark Mitch's Death Day. Notsomuch for Mitch anymore... it's my day, it's the day a brand new diana was born. The diana never imagined. The diana stretched. The diana whole. The diana with courage. The diana with faith. The diana who remembers. The diana who knows.
I am surrounded by faith. The souls entrusted to my heart and care have faith in me. I am in awe of my own power. I am strong. I am brave. I am whole. Right Here, Right Now... and when Over There, Whenever becomes Right Here, Right Now, that will be perfect, too. And I am equipped. I have skills. I have Wisdom. I am open to knowledge. I heal and I tend. I breathe and am calm. I laugh and spread Joy. My Light will shine and my path shall be illuminated by the warm hearts of my friends. My Love will stretch and grow. My Patience runneth over. Abundant is my Life; my Life is Abundant.
Once again, my prayer tomorrow:

For all that has come to pass, I say Thanks.
For all that has yet to come, I say YES!

It's all Julie's fault...

Self Portrait Challenge
Yep, I'm just gonna do it...

I didn't have the courage to do last month's glam shot (that, and my skin was not so glamourous last month...), but in light of the 37 days thingie, I'm gonna begin December with 37 days of Courage (I mean Courage where even *I* struggle with it... like facing myself...)
This month's challenge is RED and I've got til Tuesday to perfect my Self Portrait techniques and come up with some ideerers...
So Thanks Julie!

Is is just me...

or did I just blog about this?
***You intuitively know the truth today, but communicating it verbally is another story. Just because you are well-informed doesn't mean that you can easily tell others. You may not realize it, but it's your maturity that is being tested. Don't fall prey to your own guilt, for a confession won't solve anything. Reconcile with your past before talking about the present. ***
What a surprise, I have to be the guilt-free grown-up!!
even the heavens have to tell me...

Queen of Life

...that's what Donna called me. She gave me a beautiful Tree of Life pin to commemorate my knighting :)
This talk of honoring transitions, the memories, the gifts, the amazing instinct to Love...
Qacei asked if people were gonna die cause I was around... we laughed and I said no, but if it happens to happen, I'll throw ya one hell of a death. I meant it. Strange. I don't really like death, don't necessarily wanna ever witness it again. I know, too, that if/when I do, I will be exactly where I need to be. What more is there?
40 weeks today... that's a really big number, 280 days... this New Life of ours...
The 37 day challenge is so puny in comparison, what is a mere 37 days anyway? Gonna look at that with new perspective. Am I ready to take me on? hm.