Dance with Death, part iv

Dance with Death previous installments
Great-Gramma Emma continued to be an amazing source of love through food, she did it well. Even when she made horrible racist comments in front of and to my father, excepting him from her tirade (now, you know I'm not talkinboutchu, ed) somehow we forgave the sin of judgment. I loved her fiercely; in spite of or because of those perfect examples of her human frailty I don't know.
The Christmas before Grampa Harm died, she declared he was welcome to dinner in her home. He lived just around the corner, you see, and it was silly to have had him in her home all those years and now to keep him at bay, home alone on Jesus' birthday. He was coming and Gramma Bunnie and Grampa Bud (her new husband)could decide themselves if they were coming or not, they were grownups afterall. Maybe she somehow sensed it was her last chance to do so.
I turned extra sweet on her after that incredibly brave act of kindness, I wondered what else she had to offer.
It was all too soon, a mere 11 months after Grampa, when she was admitted to the hospital after a heart attack. A promise to visit, oh yes, it came again. We don't have to lie this year, you can get right off the elevator, just as soon as she's stable...
80+ year old women don't always stabilize, she didn't. Daddy walked in the door that night, the night before the day of my visit, with open rivers of tears flowing down his face. I knew his favorite old racist lady was gone. And, again, I got nothin.
I was so angry, the tears like acid in my eyes, I remember nothing of the services.
Nothing but that burning gut sensation of there's got to be a better way.
Because this way fucking sucks.
I didn't wanna dance anymore.

Thematic Photographic - Round 7

It's a great party when Mitch comes 'round with some good beer! ♥

Thematic Photographic - Round 6

These probably help explain my strange relationship with roses.
On the left is a bouquet from Mitch's funeral;
4 carnations (his favorite) and three roses, symbolizing our past and present.
The roses on the right are from Hannah's;
the pink and white roses symbolize Hannah's past and present
(from pink and flesh, to clear and ethereal).
This is a sign I need to get them out of the closet and onto a wall!
Thanks for the opportunity to remember, Carmi! ♥

Thematic Photographic - Round 5

What a happy discovery today, this photo!
Perhaps a nudge from the universe to break out the Marble Madness ♥

Unconscious Mutterings

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Soul :: Man
   
2. Fold :: Cranes
   
3. Breakup :: and Makeup
   
4. Will :: Won't
   
5. Fond :: and Often
   
6. Powers :: are amazing!
   
7. ho-hum :: life still worth living?
   
8. Hustle :: Do it!
   
9. Avenue :: of the Americas
   
10. Tower :: of Doom

Daggummit, now I'm all dancy antsy pantsy!
Here are "Scenes from Hawthorne Elementary PE with Mr. Bush, 1973" Please imagine you're watching small white children in red polyester gym uniforms.

ABC Meme

A - Age:
My 365 blog tells my I've posted 344 times. That means I'm 40 344/365 which roughly comes out to: I'll *be* 41 on may 27.

B - Bed size: Queen

C - Chore you hate:
Yes, I hate chores.

D - Dog's name:
Charlie the unicorn *snort* Jennerson

E - Essential start-your-day item: pooping stool (as in, where I put my feet so to easily poop!)

F - Favorite color: green, green, green.

G - Gold or Silver: Platinum

H - Height: After a chiropractic adjustment I might be 5'2"

I - Instruments you play(ed): Violin first, then clarinet... I can read music and pluck out a song on the piano. I am surrounded now by many instruments, I imagine I'm sure to pick one up (I'm bringing a guitar to Life is Good, ladies & Frank! :::deep breath::: gonna do it!)

J - Job title: Supermom, Baking Goddess, Interpreter Extraordinaire, Fabulous Girlfriend ;)

K - Kid(s): Hayden, 10.5; Hannah 1996-2006 ^i^

L - Living arrangements: With Super Cool Boyfriend, Amazing Son and Big Black Dog

M - Mom's name: DeLila

N - Nicknames: Mah, Mom, (the whole Stewie list); Scotty brought D into my life and it kinda makes me crazy because my mom is called Dee, but it's now pervasive enough with the gang I roll with it :) Mostly I just like to be called diana.

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: death, Hannah's - that was night 12 for us.

P - Pet Peeve: weird, icky, meanness. especially delivered in a saccharine package. most especially from parent to child.

Q - Quote from a movie: "As you wish" Princess Bride

R - Right or left handed: Yep, though like Zaphod, I'd like a 3rd option most days :D

S - Siblings: Thomas, 39, Linda, soon 38 and DeAnna, soon 19

T - Time you wake up: lately I've been awake by 8:30 am. It will change soon and often.

U- Underwear: cotton, boy cut. The current stash is from Old Navy.

V-Vegetable you dislike: Bell Peppers. really.

W - Ways you run late: Parenting can sometimes take more time than I budget.

X - X-rays you've had: teeth, head (jaw), spine, knees

Y - Yummy food you make: I make a great chocolate sheet cake, cinnamon rolls & snickerdoodles :D Gonna make me some brownies, right now!

Z - Zoo favorite: that song by Raffi
mama's takin us to the zoo tomorrow, zoo tomorrow, zoo tomorrow,
mama's takin us to the zoo tomorrow, so we can play all day.
Goin' to the zoo, zoo, zoo,
How about you, you, you?
You can come too, too, too
We're goin' to the zoo, zoo, zoo!

And I really liked our camel named Humphrey, who is the same age as Hannah. Mitch took her to his naming ceremony, they were 9 months old, and she got to "sit" on him :D Oh, at the Great Plains Zoo, in Sioux Falls.

Thematic Photographic - Round 4

Venice Beach is a favorite destination for me and the boy
(Scotty'd like it too, if he believed California even exists - he's not seen it...)
It's in the little details I find comfort...There's something special about monogrammed 'manhole covers ♥

I feel much safer now!

The police. To protect and serve...
My question is questions are:
~Who needs to be protected from a peaceful intoxicated naked guy at an outdoor music festival? [pssst the cops are ALL naked under their clothes!!];
~Who is being served by public displays of excessive violence against a naked wizard?;
~Are Tasers recommended for use directly over one's heart or brain stem?;
and lastly and most importantly:
~Are we getting our money's worth from these so-called public servants?
Tax dollars at work.
Disturbing, I ain't gonna lie.
[photo is a still from the video]

Thematic Photographic - Round 3

Peace signs are RoundMy inner hippie loves a car with a Peace sign as it's symbol ♥ My inner sociologist loves that a car born of connected deeply with bigotry and genocide has a Peace sign as it's symbol ♥ My inner pinup girl can't wait to have black and white nude photographs taken of her lounging on a car with a Peace sign as it's symbol ♥ My inner steel worker loves the tank like qualities of a car with a Peace sign as it's symbol ♥ My inner Me likes to write a Peace sign as it's symbol over and over again ♥

The Right Way

I'm historically not-so-good at doing this life thing the right way. I was told on several occasions that I was not grieving the right way, though no one cared to exactly model the right way to behave once one is widowed followed by the death of one's child 5 years later. There seemed an overwhelming need to cluck and judge about the right way to Live *my* Life.
Thankfully, I've learned to avoid putting stock in the right way and instead do what works and what brings Joy into my life.
Then someone makes mention of the right way to celebrate Easter. Greetings were sent to those celebrating Easter for the right reasons. Oh that phrase got stuck in my craw!! For the right reasons.
I know it especially stuck with me this year because I was feeling this crazy undercurrent of missing Easter with Hannah. Deep and raw and empty, my wounded Holy Day. I know I don't have to have this conversation with myself, I can think other thoughts. And yet I really wanted to buy matchy-matchy Easter dresses with my daughter. I really wanted to participate in all that is Spring and Fresh-- with HER. And I harbored my resentment. I held down that which I thought I shouldn't feel. I quieted what I felt I shouldn't be thinking. Which took so much energy, I once again missed out on giving Hayden the holiday he deserved. (there is no room to harbor guilt, simply another opportunity to muster it up and give what I got right the fuck now to the "kid who's still alive")
[if you read the thing about Saving Grace, it was the final episode that broke this dam and forced all the oozing grief outta me... which is why I can even write about it now]
So, sans my annual Easter Ritual of Joy, yet fortified by the bounty of Springtime 1/2 price chocolates, I bring my right way/right reasons response here. So it doesn't have to live in my head anymore.
Messiahfying Easter's Spring Rites is not celebrating Easter for the right reasons. Easter and Resurrection Sunday are two different Holy Days, often celebrated at the same time, with the same candy, with the same sacred reverence; not, not, not the same holiday. Easter came first. Jesus might even have celebrated it; afterall, he did love himself some Pagans! And who doesn't smile at the thought of Spring's first blooms and some extra special candies? Then there's that whole resistance He had to doing anything the right way. WWJD? Let Joy happen where it happens. There is no right way or right reason to be happy. Amen.
And Happy Easter! ♥

Thematic Photographic - Round 2

You spin me right round, baby, right round... She's got the whole world in her hands...First time, ever I saw your face...Joy to the fishies in the deep blue sea,
Joy to you and me...This little lady's been waiting months for her blog debut,
Thanks to Carmi for creating such a perfect opportunity!
Click here to see the whole of my pictures for this project ♥

Thematic Photographic - Round

I was lucky to have been gifted with a reuseable coffee cozy.
My friend Robyn made it and I used it faithfully...
until I left it in a classroom on campus.
I'm calmed by the thought that someone will be using it somewhere, someday
and they'll hear Hey, the sign language lady has one of those!
Now I've made some of my own.
Well, one of my own and several more to share ♥
I'll unveil them at the LIFE is Good Conference,
so we'll be able to tell our Starbucks apart.
That's right, we're gonna be drinking Starbucks all weekend.
Venti Soy Mocha no whip.
That didn't hurt a bit much.
~♥~
This week's theme is Round.
Who might be Photographic?
My eye surprises.

Thematic Photographic - Floral 7

I couldn't do it, I couldn't post a week's worth of flower pictures,
only to leave out my out of season favorites! ♥ Morning Glories ♥These here are last summer's 1st generation Oregonian
'glories, grown from seeds from Sandra Dodd's backyard.
I'm gonna fortify the places I know they like to grow,
and I'm hoping for some 2nd generation bloomers.


A not very well-kept secret: I take pictures of the new blooms almost every day.
I say almost so you don't think I'm crazy enough
to actually do it every.single.day.
I am.

True Story

The other day I tripped over the corner of this X.
I sprang right back to my feet,
obviously impressed by my own lack of injury.
A passerby said, "8.5"
I thanked him ♥

Thematic Photographic - Floral 6

Walking the dog to the end of the road and back just ain't so bad
when you've got a tree full of flowers like this awaiting you!We're so lucky to live, quite literally, on the edge of town,
where the wild things still grow -
- and probably roam ♥

Thematic Photographic - Floral 5

I am in love with this project, it's true.
Especially this week ♥
Here's a picture from Bodhicitta -
from our visit to Mitch's ashes, in the cupboard at the San Fernando Mission.
I post floral pictures like crazy on another blog: What's Growin On?
Where, though I keep the primary focus on the flora,
I do document some kooky diana connections to said flora ;)
And there's the 100 species challenge I'm excited to continue!

Unconscious Mutterings

I say... and you think...?

1. Lease :: borrow for pay
   
2. Dead :: absence of life
   
3. Removed :: no longer present
   
4. Broke :: no longer whole
   
5. Lips :: Lie
   
6. Flight :: is aesthetic instead of safe
   
7. Three hours :: won't change a thing
   
8. Give :: until it hurts, then 10% more
   
9. Technical :: Scientific
   
10. Hurry :: it's almost over!
    

Clothing Evolution

I inherited a way cool sleeping tee that is just calling to be repurposed into a gift for Christine... as I ponder my first repurposeful project, the Universe is sending me lots of hints that I'm on the right path! Including this here inspiration :D
I can only imagine what I'll be inspired to create while wearing this:
Pleated Petal Tank ANTHROPOLIFICATION GIVEAWAY!!!!

Thematic Photographic - Floral 4

In order for Mother Nature to pull off a feat of beauty like this one, She needs the collective assistance of about 12 gadzillion of these...One small bloom of beauty... the power!

Thematic Photographic - Floral 3

This spring has brought along a new affinity for daffodils ♥ I noticed the traditional yellow daffies as soon as they sprang forth out of the deep green of winter's remains.
I was unprepared for the surprise colors !We got to buy these beauties from a little roadside stand:
bundled flowers and a cashbox: $2/10 stem bundle or three bundles for $5.
I love this town! flower arrangement:
just two yellow daffodils,
the first to bloom
- L.A. Davidson, The Shape of the Tree
What else might nature have in store for me still?
I can't wait to find out! ♥

Thematic Photographic - Floral 2

Hands down my favorite early springtime flower ♥ Grampa Harm'd like to think it's the Dutch of it, but mostly it's the Aunt Donna of it.
These beauties grow in my neighbor's front yard, behind a bush. Lucky for me, I care more about them than he does, so I get to claim them as my own. Thanks Ryan! And thanks Fellow Tulip Admirer (next neighbor's kitty) for keeping me company while I snipped and adored.

Thematic Photographic - Floral

I love roses more than I've cared to admit.
Even to myself. Maybe it's a mourning thing? I got some at the flower shop near the San Fernando Mission.
We left one for Mitch. These are the ones I brought back for the live folk.Blooms to Share, just what Granny ordered.

Thematic Photographic - Edible 7

This scene, early this morning, reminded me of Carmi's cobblestone-looking bread loaves. If only I could photograph the subtle scent of this cake...I call this one "Lemon Kissed Blueberry" regular ol' coffee cake batter, add 1-2 lemon zests, top with blueberries (poke 'em down, not *too* down) and streusel. After baking, squeeze some lemon juice onto the *bottom* of the cake & mix up the rest of the juice with powdered sugar for a delightful glaze. Or skip the whole process and let me know when you'll be in town, I'll whip one right up for ya!! ♥

Amazing Grace, Saving Grace

Tonight was the second season finale for Grace... I'm still recovering. I'll be recovering for a long time. At least until the new episodes begin again in June.
Holy fuckoli, to say the least.
From the first episode of delusional drunk driving to Leon's Last Supper communal onion rings, I've been deeply, painfully enchanted.
Earl, like Grace, I've got a lot to learn. I think an inkling of understanding is beginning to glimmer. The tears are uncovering new and unknown parts of my heart. My perspective on how the world works is shifting constantly; I piece together my beliefs like an evolving jigsaw puzzle.
All of this, this angst, this passion, this understanding, this empathy, I owe to the amazing writers. You don't get paid enough. Thank you from the bottom of my ever-stretching heart!
Watch it all. It's heavy, intense, more real than any reality show on television.
And you don't want to miss the episode where Grace gets 4-point restrained to her bed and left there, complete with lipstick drawings on her nekkid ass, by no fewer than 3 men. Hilarious!

Thematic Photographic - Edible 6

Eeeeeeaaaaaattttt Meeeeeee!It's been too long without photos of my amazing baked goods! I need to remember to document the pride I take in these yummies ♥ Last time I made these here chocolate chip muffins, Jon sent me a note, oh yeah, he dared to compare me to Entenmann's ♥ Today was a tough day to choose at Sunnyside-Up, I made Apple Crisp Coffee Cake, too ♥

Thematic Photographic - Edible 5

the truly perfect breakfast - while anyone can certainly cook a good, even wonderful, breakfast for theirownselves, it requires a Bill or Steve equivalent to make a truly perfect breakfast! ET(dry)B on my Bemidji plate ♥

Sometimes I'm just fine

and then suddenly I'm not.
Like a big heavy weight comes down and sits on my chest.
I'm still happy and funny inside; it's like that part of me has to leak through the boulder of sadness that occupies most of who-I-am.
I don't like it. And that just seems to make it heavier.
And uglier. It feels mean. Malevolent. Sad.
Crying helps a bit, like lubricating it's moving on.
Perhaps it's a build up of not wanting to cry.
I just don't wanna.
I think I'll nap -sweet escape of sleep-
then challenge the boy to some Monopoly.
Maybe the sun will shine for me today, too.

Thematic Photographic - Edible 4

♥ We live in a pink spoon town. ♥
Oh yeah, we got us some Baskin Robbins in this town!
any one who has yet to suffer long expanses of lifetime without quality dipped cones for 100s of miles, consider yourself lucky right now -- for an entire minute ♥Yesterday, we stopped in for Hayden's Pop-n-Rock (grape sherbet colored green, green apple sherbet colored purple, purple and green poprocks)/Rainbow Sherbet on a cake cone and Mama's Strawberry Sorbet (one of two dairy-free options!) on a sugar cone.
It seems we were not alone in our Pink Spoon Love ♥
And they gave me a 10% OSU discount with my ID. Oh Yeah.

Thematic Photographic - Edible 3

When I spend time with edible animals, my brain hearkens my Catholic training and communion songs fill my mind. Most frequently:

Take and eat,
Take and eat,
This is my body, given up for you.

I find it very comforting. I imagine Doug Adams would, too.
Immense peace and gratitude to Ms. Chicken and her kind everywhere ♥

Thematic Photographic - Edible 2

This was one amazing California Roll!
I believe his name was Herman.
He tasted as good as he looks
(click to enlarge).
Weeks later, he's still proud.

Thematic Photographic - Edible

Oooooh, I bet that's an orange/chocolate chip coffee cake.
I love it when they turn out so beautiful ♥ Yes, I'm mostly that happy at 3 am!Written Inc.: Thematic Photographic 44 - Edible

Thematic Photographic - Reflective 6

Hayden and I finally got to meet Gramma Linda, Grampa Lee Jenner's widow, in Winston-Salem a couple of years ago. When Lee died, he told Linda he didn't want her to sprinkle his ashes. We left some Hannah ashes and the "Life is Good" - by Hayden - plaque, to inspire him onto his next adventure. Once Linda's earthly responsibilities are fulfilled, her son Jay and I will have the honor of releasing them both ♥ Yes, that's Lee on the right; add a little bronzer and that's exactly what Mitch woulda looked like at that age.
On this same trip, we discovered Hayden's very own reflection of his never-met-in-the-flesh grampa: They're both painters!
Lee's
Hayden's

I'm just a little bit excited

New fenders, new basket and new ding-ding bell - this week!