Mommy's pretty bike!
I made it! Okay to the gasstation 8 blocks away, but I made it!
Monday, July 31, 2006
We're bikin' it!
Gettin ready for a ride, it's only 100 degrees!
Mommy's pretty bike!
I made it! Okay to the gasstation 8 blocks away, but I made it!
Mommy's pretty bike!
I made it! Okay to the gasstation 8 blocks away, but I made it!
peace, brought to me by Pam L
Thank You Pam!! I got these at World Market :) The earrings have little buddhas on them and the necklace is full of Goddess swirlies!! I feel so loved and centered wearing them!
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Sad Day at All Souls
Hayden's Peace Circle...
I need to be in a circle of peace... today our congregation decided NOT to purchase the church that hosted Hannah's memorial service. We've been tossing the idea around for years now, it finally culminated in today's vote.
FUCK the democratic process!! We showed up, WE count, WE're the majority aaarrrggghhh!! Yeah, yeah, yeah, I already know... I'm still a UU even without a church home, I'm still a member of All Souls even when my needs are not addressed or met. I'm sad for my own reasons... I want to go back and BE in the space that was occupied by those who love Hannah so much, I don't want icky judgmental people in that space (and yet I'm being ickily judgmental by saying so!)... Faith, I guess that's what it is... deciding that I *will* have perspective and see that this sacred space was better occupied by another group...
Good news, Hannah's bench at Falls Park should be done by the end of August. I'm hoping to have some kind of service or ceremony down there with the church folk... It will be tough to schedule with the upcoming birthdays, conference and touring. Mayhap mid September...
FUCK the democratic process!! We showed up, WE count, WE're the majority aaarrrggghhh!! Yeah, yeah, yeah, I already know... I'm still a UU even without a church home, I'm still a member of All Souls even when my needs are not addressed or met. I'm sad for my own reasons... I want to go back and BE in the space that was occupied by those who love Hannah so much, I don't want icky judgmental people in that space (and yet I'm being ickily judgmental by saying so!)... Faith, I guess that's what it is... deciding that I *will* have perspective and see that this sacred space was better occupied by another group...
Good news, Hannah's bench at Falls Park should be done by the end of August. I'm hoping to have some kind of service or ceremony down there with the church folk... It will be tough to schedule with the upcoming birthdays, conference and touring. Mayhap mid September...
Friday, July 28, 2006
First Friday without Mercury on the fritz!
and it's still sad...
It's 154 days without my daughter kind of sad...
It's letting my tears nurture my soul, like rain to a field, kind of sad...
It's 154 days without my daughter kind of sad...
It's crabby mommy who woke up every two hours just to crab at son about sleeping and now feels bad kind of sad...
It's gotta deal with stuff sooner because later doesn't afford the necessary time element, but I still don't wanna and I don't want anyone else to either kind of sad...
It's a "holy crap my horoscope is right!" kind of sad... {A sudden change in the emotional weather can upset you today, especially if you act impulsively at work. You are tempted to react strongly against any restrictions now, but your behavior can stir up more problems than the desired freedom is worth. Think about the consequences of your rebellion before it's too late.}
It's the "world, I just can't take no more!" kind of sad...It's gotta deal with stuff sooner because later doesn't afford the necessary time element, but I still don't wanna and I don't want anyone else to either kind of sad...
It's a "holy crap my horoscope is right!" kind of sad... {A sudden change in the emotional weather can upset you today, especially if you act impulsively at work. You are tempted to react strongly against any restrictions now, but your behavior can stir up more problems than the desired freedom is worth. Think about the consequences of your rebellion before it's too late.}
It's letting my tears nurture my soul, like rain to a field, kind of sad...
Monday, July 24, 2006
Apparently, I'm Ernie the Hellraiser!
“I’m not a troublemaker. I’m a hellraiser.
And there is a very large difference between the two.
Troublemakers grow up to become priests and politicians and social reformers.
They are always meddling in other people’s lives.
Hellraisers don’t meddle.
They rage and roar, and they celebrate life and they mourn its shortness.
Hellraisers destroy only themselves,
and they do it because they love life too much to fall asleep.”
~Will Ferguson, Happiness TM
And there is a very large difference between the two.
Troublemakers grow up to become priests and politicians and social reformers.
They are always meddling in other people’s lives.
Hellraisers don’t meddle.
They rage and roar, and they celebrate life and they mourn its shortness.
Hellraisers destroy only themselves,
and they do it because they love life too much to fall asleep.”
~Will Ferguson, Happiness TM
Rubber Duckie, yer the one...
| You Are Ernie |
 Playful and childlike, you are everyone's favorite friend - even if your goofy antics get annoying at times. You are usually feeling: Amused - you are very easily entertained You are famous for: Always making people smile. From your silly songs to your wild pranks, you keep things fun. How you life your life: With ease. Life is only difficult when your friends won't play with you! |
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Shootin' down the walls of heartache...
...Bang Bang, I am the Warrior. Yes, I am the Warrior...
:::wretch::: can you imagine how often we had to sit through this song?? How many perky fucking routines we were forced to witness?? Oh, and not just while it was Top 40, either! No siree, 20 years post-commencement it just had to be danced to and sung and remembered...
Yep, just back from reliving those big haired 80s with many of the 486 age-regulated peers who graduated with me on my 18th birthday, May 27, 1986, from Washington Senior High School. Good thing I was drunk. Make that D. R. U. N. K. almost FUBAR, but not quite, I was still funny (to me) and chipper and lively, kept most of my clothes on, just lacking the much needed social filtering, true to diana form: recognizable and memorable... Ah, but I get ahead of myself before I even begin the story. Excuse, I'm down a few thousand brain cells today.
I missed Friday night's celebration... The band was great and the party was hoppin! I missed seeing Gene Tvreberg; it's been close to 20 years since I've seen my very first and bestest guy friend ever! I hadn't realized how much I miss him, we had amazing conversations (on the phone, hours a night, for years of my life, even though he lived 4 houses away and we went to the same school). To this day I think of him everytime someone sneezes, "goesintight" "comesoutloose" -- oh man! we were 14 and we had sick humor! Again, that faith in the universe to cross our paths when our paths should be crossed; no pushing will bring it along any more quickly and the pushing will exhaust energy needed for things controllable...
So I venture out on Saturday afternoon, to meet Lisa & family + others at the park for the snacky picnic thingie... Pat & Jodi are there as is Anita (safe folks identified) and a multitude of familiar faces but huge overwhelm for me, everyone's talking and mingling and touching and too, too, too many little kids, too wide open a'space, caffeine is only so effective and though I really did want to show up shitfaced drunk, I didn't (the driving thing)... then someone spots me in the midst of my silent paralysis which I was using to talk myself out of jumping off the deep end, and she mistakes my doe-eyed look for sympathy and openness, accepts my lack of storytelling as not yet ready and proceeds to tell me her own heart wrenching tale of pregnancy complications and doctors and diagnoses and loss and choice and death and sadness. I wanted to scream and tear my hair out but I was still frozen, as kids went wild around us without any adult concern, as Hayden proclaimed his boredom, I couldn't move or talk or breathe. Though I must have, I'm sure I muttered something kind and sweet and faithful, I hope she left my side feeling better for having told her tale. It was just surreal. No one noticed my panic. I came home with a giant fountain coke and poured in Crown Royal, I finished it while I got ready and waited for Lisa & Mark to pick me up...
Fortified and stocked with a flask, I paid my fee, got my very slick souvenir magazine and plunged-ish... I hung back at first, feeling way too drunk to be among strangers, the 20 years evaporated and it *was* highschool. Then that lack of negative self-talk paid off again! From the center of that silence was just one question: How do you want them to remember you from tonight?
I had dinner with Lisa's friends, as I pondered, then I found my own!! Kat, Todd, Deb, Mickey, & their assorted partners -- the P.A.R.T.Y. had begun!!! Oh man, those 20 years evaporated again, but this time we found ourselves in love instead of in highschool! We were pretty fucking important to one another, in a big, huge, who-I-am-now kind of way. 20 years didn't fucking matter, we're glad to still be alive, we're glad to be together and we're sad our circle is incomplete, missing those both alive and dead. We laughed, we cried, we got felt up, we smoked and we smoked, we shared, we drank, we hugged, we danced, we remembered, we were grateful! I didn't want the night to end, there were so many new and re-discoveries, different connections.
After the band cleared out, we stopped by the bar where Tony was workin... I had to let them do a drive by -- for goodness sakes, when I knew them best, I was dating a gay guy (at least most of them had met Mitch, which kinda balanced it out). They looked from afar, the place was packed, I just told him hi and we left again. It was sad to say 'bye to Kathy and Maurice, they pooped out on us too soon! It's been a full 20 years since I've seen that chickie, still amazing... dammit! the universe keeps giving me cool reasons to go to San Francisco!
There's a reason alcohol is considered liquid courage, because it is! I went to the "after party party" ... yeah, I was really loaded by the time we got there: my flask was empty, my purse was filled with pounds of orange and black M&Ms (that someone had thoughtfully purchased and saved from hallowe'en) and I was talking to anyone who crossed my path, or more likely, had a smoke with me ;) Mickey and Kristen didn't last long, a long second night of drinking was probably not a good idea. I wasn't lonely long, Todd chaperoned me (by that I mean he laughed hysterically as I said what he wanted to say but was not drunk enough to have the courage) I asked one guy if it was true he got another guy's girlfriend pregnant, causing the marriage between wrong guy and slut, Nope! Wow, I thought so for 20 years, strange. I asked another guy how come he married a woman he's not crazy in love with; he didn't have a good answer, but was a good sport. I talked sweet to the gay guys in the kitchen and introduced them to Todd ;) I got to feel up one girl to prove to onlookers they were real! Later, I was accused of being too hard on the son of our former governor, talking smack about his dad; in my defense, I merely recounted my experience with the man (limited editorializing ::eg::). However, as much as I may have been tempted, I did not call said father a murderer, nor did I intend to make the son in any way responsible for the atrocities created by his father. I'm sure I'll see this guy again, he'll remember me ::bg:: and I'll clarify my intentions. Todd got pretty drunk, he put a $5 in my bra, just so I could say he did it then 23 years after my crush on him began (my first crush on a gay guy! Biology class, Mr. Jackson, 1983), he felt me up. Wooo hooo! Okay, it probably would have meant more when I was 15, but hey, getting felt up is getting felt up ::g:: I found some guy's wallet and he gave me a $14 reward (the only bills he had that weren't 100s) and about 50 hugs because I recovered thousands of dollars he thought he lost; huge karmic payment right there! All this, and I was too chicken to actually talk to Chris Christensen, though I have really cool jr. high memories with him; Jon Harris, too, still intimidated. Strange but true.
Lisa and I woke up her husband at about 5:30 (he was asleep in the car since about 1 am) to drive us home. The sun was rising as I walked into my house... Life IS Good!
I missed Friday night's celebration... The band was great and the party was hoppin! I missed seeing Gene Tvreberg; it's been close to 20 years since I've seen my very first and bestest guy friend ever! I hadn't realized how much I miss him, we had amazing conversations (on the phone, hours a night, for years of my life, even though he lived 4 houses away and we went to the same school). To this day I think of him everytime someone sneezes, "goesintight" "comesoutloose" -- oh man! we were 14 and we had sick humor! Again, that faith in the universe to cross our paths when our paths should be crossed; no pushing will bring it along any more quickly and the pushing will exhaust energy needed for things controllable...
So I venture out on Saturday afternoon, to meet Lisa & family + others at the park for the snacky picnic thingie... Pat & Jodi are there as is Anita (safe folks identified) and a multitude of familiar faces but huge overwhelm for me, everyone's talking and mingling and touching and too, too, too many little kids, too wide open a'space, caffeine is only so effective and though I really did want to show up shitfaced drunk, I didn't (the driving thing)... then someone spots me in the midst of my silent paralysis which I was using to talk myself out of jumping off the deep end, and she mistakes my doe-eyed look for sympathy and openness, accepts my lack of storytelling as not yet ready and proceeds to tell me her own heart wrenching tale of pregnancy complications and doctors and diagnoses and loss and choice and death and sadness. I wanted to scream and tear my hair out but I was still frozen, as kids went wild around us without any adult concern, as Hayden proclaimed his boredom, I couldn't move or talk or breathe. Though I must have, I'm sure I muttered something kind and sweet and faithful, I hope she left my side feeling better for having told her tale. It was just surreal. No one noticed my panic. I came home with a giant fountain coke and poured in Crown Royal, I finished it while I got ready and waited for Lisa & Mark to pick me up...
Fortified and stocked with a flask, I paid my fee, got my very slick souvenir magazine and plunged-ish... I hung back at first, feeling way too drunk to be among strangers, the 20 years evaporated and it *was* highschool. Then that lack of negative self-talk paid off again! From the center of that silence was just one question: How do you want them to remember you from tonight?
I had dinner with Lisa's friends, as I pondered, then I found my own!! Kat, Todd, Deb, Mickey, & their assorted partners -- the P.A.R.T.Y. had begun!!! Oh man, those 20 years evaporated again, but this time we found ourselves in love instead of in highschool! We were pretty fucking important to one another, in a big, huge, who-I-am-now kind of way. 20 years didn't fucking matter, we're glad to still be alive, we're glad to be together and we're sad our circle is incomplete, missing those both alive and dead. We laughed, we cried, we got felt up, we smoked and we smoked, we shared, we drank, we hugged, we danced, we remembered, we were grateful! I didn't want the night to end, there were so many new and re-discoveries, different connections.
After the band cleared out, we stopped by the bar where Tony was workin... I had to let them do a drive by -- for goodness sakes, when I knew them best, I was dating a gay guy (at least most of them had met Mitch, which kinda balanced it out). They looked from afar, the place was packed, I just told him hi and we left again. It was sad to say 'bye to Kathy and Maurice, they pooped out on us too soon! It's been a full 20 years since I've seen that chickie, still amazing... dammit! the universe keeps giving me cool reasons to go to San Francisco!
There's a reason alcohol is considered liquid courage, because it is! I went to the "after party party" ... yeah, I was really loaded by the time we got there: my flask was empty, my purse was filled with pounds of orange and black M&Ms (that someone had thoughtfully purchased and saved from hallowe'en) and I was talking to anyone who crossed my path, or more likely, had a smoke with me ;) Mickey and Kristen didn't last long, a long second night of drinking was probably not a good idea. I wasn't lonely long, Todd chaperoned me (by that I mean he laughed hysterically as I said what he wanted to say but was not drunk enough to have the courage) I asked one guy if it was true he got another guy's girlfriend pregnant, causing the marriage between wrong guy and slut, Nope! Wow, I thought so for 20 years, strange. I asked another guy how come he married a woman he's not crazy in love with; he didn't have a good answer, but was a good sport. I talked sweet to the gay guys in the kitchen and introduced them to Todd ;) I got to feel up one girl to prove to onlookers they were real! Later, I was accused of being too hard on the son of our former governor, talking smack about his dad; in my defense, I merely recounted my experience with the man (limited editorializing ::eg::). However, as much as I may have been tempted, I did not call said father a murderer, nor did I intend to make the son in any way responsible for the atrocities created by his father. I'm sure I'll see this guy again, he'll remember me ::bg:: and I'll clarify my intentions. Todd got pretty drunk, he put a $5 in my bra, just so I could say he did it then 23 years after my crush on him began (my first crush on a gay guy! Biology class, Mr. Jackson, 1983), he felt me up. Wooo hooo! Okay, it probably would have meant more when I was 15, but hey, getting felt up is getting felt up ::g:: I found some guy's wallet and he gave me a $14 reward (the only bills he had that weren't 100s) and about 50 hugs because I recovered thousands of dollars he thought he lost; huge karmic payment right there! All this, and I was too chicken to actually talk to Chris Christensen, though I have really cool jr. high memories with him; Jon Harris, too, still intimidated. Strange but true.
Lisa and I woke up her husband at about 5:30 (he was asleep in the car since about 1 am) to drive us home. The sun was rising as I walked into my house... Life IS Good!
Friday, July 21, 2006
Holy Crap! I think I've been stood up...
and other amazing tales from diana's amazing life!!
I attacked my bedroom, got piles every-fucking-where now, but they're organized [aside from the nap crumples] and it's a beginning... I can open my drawers, see myself in the mirror, and well, that's it so far... doesn't sound like much, but there are several piles of Hannah stuff and even a box started to send to ZoAnne. Oh, I got to take time out to round up art supplies and make a really, really cool card for my friend ;)
so then I steathily escaped... Hayden asleep on the sofa, Richard Bach book in my hot lil hands and I park myself at the coffee shop 45 minutes early for my date. Life is great for the next 1.5 hours, which flew by with the help of some really delicious coffee and funny, adventurous ferrets. Then I realized, it was really late and I was sitting there with a birthday card for a really wonderful guy who hasn't shown up. In the absence of any negative self-talk, (which is so fucking peaceful! I confess an odd diana standard: if he's dead, no one will think to call me) I realized I had just had an amazing 1.5 hours with Richard Bach and Shamrock and good coffee and nice quiet. So I called the guy, he forgot, he was sorry and we got to hang out anyway, which is always cool in ways there's really no vocabulary for. And he likes his card, did I mention I had a great time making it? I did and I'm really proud of the card. It's perfect.
I wanted to go to my high school reunion thingie tonight. I waffled A LOT, not wanting to go without a date, but by today I thought for sure, I'd go... Leaving his side is not okay with Hayden tonite. My Gemini, Miss Social, laugh-it-off, Rebel Self is bouncing off my insides seeking independence, while my Hayden's Mommy understands Hayden's needs and Listens and wants to meet them/have them met. The Whole of Diana tries to hold it together... I know that in the long run, I'll be glad I stayed and quelled his fears of losing me... I know there are better things to negotiate separation for... I know the less I negotiate separation, the more he'll trust our separations... So we'll be together sitting 'round Shelly's nightly backyard fire. He'll feel safe, I'll have some human contact and I get to delay further explorations of Hannahland that is my bedroom :::BONUS:::
so then I steathily escaped... Hayden asleep on the sofa, Richard Bach book in my hot lil hands and I park myself at the coffee shop 45 minutes early for my date. Life is great for the next 1.5 hours, which flew by with the help of some really delicious coffee and funny, adventurous ferrets. Then I realized, it was really late and I was sitting there with a birthday card for a really wonderful guy who hasn't shown up. In the absence of any negative self-talk, (which is so fucking peaceful! I confess an odd diana standard: if he's dead, no one will think to call me) I realized I had just had an amazing 1.5 hours with Richard Bach and Shamrock and good coffee and nice quiet. So I called the guy, he forgot, he was sorry and we got to hang out anyway, which is always cool in ways there's really no vocabulary for. And he likes his card, did I mention I had a great time making it? I did and I'm really proud of the card. It's perfect.
I wanted to go to my high school reunion thingie tonight. I waffled A LOT, not wanting to go without a date, but by today I thought for sure, I'd go... Leaving his side is not okay with Hayden tonite. My Gemini, Miss Social, laugh-it-off, Rebel Self is bouncing off my insides seeking independence, while my Hayden's Mommy understands Hayden's needs and Listens and wants to meet them/have them met. The Whole of Diana tries to hold it together... I know that in the long run, I'll be glad I stayed and quelled his fears of losing me... I know there are better things to negotiate separation for... I know the less I negotiate separation, the more he'll trust our separations... So we'll be together sitting 'round Shelly's nightly backyard fire. He'll feel safe, I'll have some human contact and I get to delay further explorations of Hannahland that is my bedroom :::BONUS:::
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
I didn't know...
...you can change the name of your blog whenever the heck you feel like it... I like mine, it's me, but it was cool to change Hannah's. I don't need to say those long icky words any more and it feels better not to :)
...just as soon as you empty your "journey" bagua, your subconcious safety patrol clutters it right back up again. Those stairs are just so handy for those things you need to eventually return to the great upstairs or next trip to so-&-so's. They're just like having a shoe closet :) others may call it a hazard ??
...how easy it is to procrastinate with so many blogs tempting me to remain distracted.
...how hard it really is to observe myself and not judge.
...that I really don't want to look myself in the eye for 30 seconds to feel compassion for myself, not yet anyway. I woulda guessed I'd be up for it, but I'm not. Surprise.
...you could forget loneliness, then remember it really hard. It sucks. Like a tornado.
...that I'm *this* tough. I imagine there's a whole lot more about me that I don't yet know. If past be a basis, I'd imagine there's a whole lot more about me I'm gonna be learning 'bout.
...just as soon as you empty your "journey" bagua, your subconcious safety patrol clutters it right back up again. Those stairs are just so handy for those things you need to eventually return to the great upstairs or next trip to so-&-so's. They're just like having a shoe closet :) others may call it a hazard ??
...how easy it is to procrastinate with so many blogs tempting me to remain distracted.
...how hard it really is to observe myself and not judge.
...that I really don't want to look myself in the eye for 30 seconds to feel compassion for myself, not yet anyway. I woulda guessed I'd be up for it, but I'm not. Surprise.
...you could forget loneliness, then remember it really hard. It sucks. Like a tornado.
...that I'm *this* tough. I imagine there's a whole lot more about me that I don't yet know. If past be a basis, I'd imagine there's a whole lot more about me I'm gonna be learning 'bout.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Floated to the top of the heap...
~From a card received soon after Hannah's death... a nice reminder on any day!~
Diana,So this is "what the universe had in store for us"... well, FUCK the Universe!
Hold on tight girl. You are the one who could negotiate this with strength, grace & humor.
You. the one...
a rockin mama.
I Love, Love, Love You!
~enclosed: a picture of me and the author, shining our unschooling smiles at the St. Louis Arch~
Hands down my favorite note...
It's so true, there is nothing handed to any one of us that we're not equipped to handle, we can choose to negotiate what this is with the strengh, grace & humor due our True Selves. Opening our eyes to our own amazing abilities is our human weakness and failing... or is it flailing? ::g:: Me. You. Us. We got what it takes. Always.
Friday, July 14, 2006
Friday with Di
Horoscope for: Friday, July 14, 2006
Diana,You've been feeling more serious about relationships these days and a situation can become so intense that you might seek respite by losing yourself to your work. You might even find yourself taking on additional tasks just so you don't have to face your emotions. Distractions, no matter how productive, will not make the more essential issues in your life go away. Escape isn't your answer. Gentle confrontation will achieve better results.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Gentle confrontation while getting something accomplished is even better...
I had a great talk with Susan this morning, a great meeting of the souls, a recognition of what is right in our world and how the *wrongs* seem right and appropriate with perspective...
I've been neglectful, really, truly, worse than ever, ever in my life, of my living space... ooooh it's so much easier to ignore it or avoid it by leaving and staying gone... the Truth of the matter is that confrontation of my fears, or whatever other bullshit is stopping me, is the only path through whatever it Is... Dealing with Hannah's presence or lackthereof is the only way it will get dealt with; I am the only one capable of dealing with what it is *I* need to deal with... I want a space to reflect *me* the Whole of Me, not just the crazy, sad, chaotic part (though there's space for that to be reflected, as well). So I've picked up the clutter of my entry, I'm not really on the computer right now ::g:: I'm on my way through to pick up a hammer and nails to hang more pictures for the Journey Bagua of my home... I'll play roulette to decide which spot is next ::bg::
It comes together, even momentarily and the respite is welcome, the peace is blissful, and the adventure is unforgettable!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Gentle confrontation while getting something accomplished is even better...
I had a great talk with Susan this morning, a great meeting of the souls, a recognition of what is right in our world and how the *wrongs* seem right and appropriate with perspective...
I've been neglectful, really, truly, worse than ever, ever in my life, of my living space... ooooh it's so much easier to ignore it or avoid it by leaving and staying gone... the Truth of the matter is that confrontation of my fears, or whatever other bullshit is stopping me, is the only path through whatever it Is... Dealing with Hannah's presence or lackthereof is the only way it will get dealt with; I am the only one capable of dealing with what it is *I* need to deal with... I want a space to reflect *me* the Whole of Me, not just the crazy, sad, chaotic part (though there's space for that to be reflected, as well). So I've picked up the clutter of my entry, I'm not really on the computer right now ::g:: I'm on my way through to pick up a hammer and nails to hang more pictures for the Journey Bagua of my home... I'll play roulette to decide which spot is next ::bg::
It comes together, even momentarily and the respite is welcome, the peace is blissful, and the adventure is unforgettable!
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Horoscope for: Thursday, July 13, 2006
Diana,
There is still an undertow of deep emotional issues that have not fully come to the surface, but your life is undoubtedly on the move. Don't be afraid to make long-term plans now, but make sure to ask friends and associates for assistance. This is a great time for you to utilize your support network, from casual acquaintances to those closest to you. You can work with powerful allies without necessarily giving up your own strength.
today's message...
There are moments when one feels free from
one's own identification with human limitations and inadequacies.
At such moments one imagines that
one stands on some spot of a small planet,
one's own identification with human limitations and inadequacies.
At such moments one imagines that
one stands on some spot of a small planet,
gazing in amazement at the cold yet
profoundly moving beauty of the eternal,
the unfathomable;
life and death flow into one,
and there is neither evolution nor destiny;
only Being.
the unfathomable;
life and death flow into one,
and there is neither evolution nor destiny;
only Being.
- Albert Einstein
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
How blessed am I?
Infinitely Blessed, that's what I am... I feel totally alive, on fire, okay maybe I'm just a bit manic, but my it's my very favorite part of being bi-polar, a.k.a. human :::vbeg:::
I'm enjoying the clear view of my own life I have at this moment; the difference between Observer v Judge is exactly like wide screen v full screen: it's the same show, but not. The farther along the chakra path your energy, the wider the screen becomes; hence, the Big Picture. The Observer's ideal viewing is from the Crown... My Observer's just happy to be out of my ass!!
I've got some amazing developments in my little world... Once again, the shifting and flowing of energy, the comings and goings of important lessons, gifts of love and loss. I have received love when at my most unloveable, I've done my best to love those feeling unloved. I am awash with happiness and peace. I am practicing what it is I want to be great at... being Hayden's mindful mommy, being diana's faithful lover & loyal companion, dreaming the big dreams, laughing, loving, thanking, rejoycing and LIVING and BEing... and all the while drinking fair trade organic coffee ::g::
I've got some amazing developments in my little world... Once again, the shifting and flowing of energy, the comings and goings of important lessons, gifts of love and loss. I have received love when at my most unloveable, I've done my best to love those feeling unloved. I am awash with happiness and peace. I am practicing what it is I want to be great at... being Hayden's mindful mommy, being diana's faithful lover & loyal companion, dreaming the big dreams, laughing, loving, thanking, rejoycing and LIVING and BEing... and all the while drinking fair trade organic coffee ::g::
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
signs, signs, everywhere signs...
~The Reading~ A work in progress...
Meditation: My Family's future...
Present: 10 of Pentacles
Prosperity, Security, Safety, Family, Family Matters, Ancestry, Inheritence, Home, Dwelling
~admonition to share your wealth~
-=1. Everything is present -- child, adult, old man ... humans, animals ... culture and civilization ... home and far away ..... The picture is complete, but unconnected -- you provide the connection. =-
Immediate Influence: Page of Pentacles
Deep Concentration & Application, Study, Scholarship, Reflection, Respect for Knowledge, Desire for Learning & New Ideas, Do-gooder, Bearer of News
~industrious child~
-=2. A child of the earth. Ashes and diamonds are made up of the same combination of chemicals (carbon), and in this sense, they are identical. But the different pressures they were exposed to in the earth brought about different results. The same is true for your manifestation, and your family's. The stress of this time will help develop new skills, and others will necessarily lose their importance. =-
Goal/Destiny: Page of Swords
Vigilance, Agility, Spying/Discreet person, Active Youth, Person adept and Perceiving, Discerning & uncovering the Unknown or that less Obvious, Quality of Insight
~temperamental Brat~
-=3. The page carries a child's energy -- the sword represents the adventure of the mind. Let yourself be inspired by the one mind that is present everywhere. =-
Distant Past/Foundation: Knight of Rods
Departure, A Journey, Advancement into the Unknown, Aliteration, Flight, Absence, Change of Residence
-=4. This card is the energy and action of fire, intuition, paired with the quick-witted knight. You act before you know the why, and that's as it needs to be. Unused energies turn into dead weight that only tires you and makes things more difficult. The fire uses and renews every ounce of energy that you can bring to the task. =-
Recent Past Events: Ace of Pentacles
Perfection, Attainment, Prosperity, Felicity, Great wealth, Riches, Bliss, Ecstacy, Gold, Valueable Coins or Artifacts, Treasures, Combination of material/spritual prosperity
~Bonanza, birth of a dark haired child~
-=5. This card is all the possibilities of manifestation -- the tension between the spiritual and the material, between savage and humane, between dream and reality. It represents a time of re-evaluating the meaning of your existence -- what you have to offer the world and what the world has to offer you. =-
Future Influence: XIV Temperence
Moderation, Temperence, Patience, Accomplishment through Self Control & Frugality, Accomodation, Harmony, Mixing/Bringing together into Perfect Union, Management, Compatibility, Fusion, Adjustment, Good Influence, Fortunate Omen, Consolidation, Successful Combination
~grabbin the gold and shaking the shit off; finding the balance, the perfect mixture~
-=Taking the coarse materials and letting yourself be the vessel in which they are transformed into true and precious gold. This card reminds me to hold the tension, to feel it, to breathe it in, and then to release it. =-
The Questioner: 10 of Rods
Excessive pressure, Problems resolved, Striving to meet Goals or maintain Certain Level, Powers used Selfishly?
~woe caused by malicious people who lie for the devilment of it~
-=Totally focused. With this bundle of energy, it takes complete focus to move the bundle forward. You are giving this task your undivided attention in order to understand the cosmic logic involved. =-
Environmental Factors: 9 of Swords
Misery, Concern, Unhappiness, Anxiety over Loved One, worry, Dispair, Suffering
--A sleepless woman sits bowed in despair, oppressed by 9 Swords--
*Comprehend the incomprehensible*
~confess recent acts of anger~
-=Yes, there is an aspect of nightmare and despair to this card -- but it also indicates that you are grasping the consequences and meanings of your thoughts, a connection that will allow you to go beyond knee-jerk reactions to a true heart/mind connection. =-
Inner Emotions: Knight of Pentacles
Mature & Responsible Person, Reliable, Methodical, Patient, Persistent, Ability to Conclude Tasks, Laborious, Organized, Capable, Dependable Person
~young person hoarding money~
-=This card allows you the freedom to stop sweeping your blunders and the mess of reality under the rug, to let these things fertilize the field of your life, the garden of your experience. In agrarian days, horses went to a lot of work to cart their own manure to the fields, so it could feed plants that gave our ancestors wine and bread. In the same way, we often make our messes in private -- our shortcomings that we can't ignore, overcome, or put aside -- but we can bring them out into the light and see what will grow. =-
Final Result: Queen of Pentacles
Prosperity & Well-Being, Wealth, Abundance, Luxury, Opulence, Extreme Comfort, Generosity, Security, Liberty, Magnificence, Grace, Dignity, Rich, Generous & Charitable, Noble Soul
-=So many Pentacles in this reading -- so much about the connection to reality, about paying attention to reality, even questioning the definition of reality. The queen in particular is the connection of soul and matter, the "brass tacks work" of dealing with the difficulties in life and death. So much of what you said on the phone is in her -- Cultivating what you cherish the most. Knowing that each human being is a unique product of nature -- loving that which is alive in you and in the people around you. Manifestation will take on the many facets of the soul, and it won't always make sense, but the queen does her job simply by staying connected and present, holding onto her shield/pentacle/earth with tears in her eyes.=-
Meditation: My Family's future...
Present: 10 of Pentacles
Prosperity, Security, Safety, Family, Family Matters, Ancestry, Inheritence, Home, Dwelling
~admonition to share your wealth~
-=1. Everything is present -- child, adult, old man ... humans, animals ... culture and civilization ... home and far away ..... The picture is complete, but unconnected -- you provide the connection. =-
Immediate Influence: Page of Pentacles
Deep Concentration & Application, Study, Scholarship, Reflection, Respect for Knowledge, Desire for Learning & New Ideas, Do-gooder, Bearer of News
~industrious child~
-=2. A child of the earth. Ashes and diamonds are made up of the same combination of chemicals (carbon), and in this sense, they are identical. But the different pressures they were exposed to in the earth brought about different results. The same is true for your manifestation, and your family's. The stress of this time will help develop new skills, and others will necessarily lose their importance. =-
Goal/Destiny: Page of Swords
Vigilance, Agility, Spying/Discreet person, Active Youth, Person adept and Perceiving, Discerning & uncovering the Unknown or that less Obvious, Quality of Insight
~temperamental Brat~
-=3. The page carries a child's energy -- the sword represents the adventure of the mind. Let yourself be inspired by the one mind that is present everywhere. =-
Distant Past/Foundation: Knight of Rods
Departure, A Journey, Advancement into the Unknown, Aliteration, Flight, Absence, Change of Residence
-=4. This card is the energy and action of fire, intuition, paired with the quick-witted knight. You act before you know the why, and that's as it needs to be. Unused energies turn into dead weight that only tires you and makes things more difficult. The fire uses and renews every ounce of energy that you can bring to the task. =-
Recent Past Events: Ace of Pentacles
Perfection, Attainment, Prosperity, Felicity, Great wealth, Riches, Bliss, Ecstacy, Gold, Valueable Coins or Artifacts, Treasures, Combination of material/spritual prosperity
~Bonanza, birth of a dark haired child~
-=5. This card is all the possibilities of manifestation -- the tension between the spiritual and the material, between savage and humane, between dream and reality. It represents a time of re-evaluating the meaning of your existence -- what you have to offer the world and what the world has to offer you. =-
Future Influence: XIV Temperence
Moderation, Temperence, Patience, Accomplishment through Self Control & Frugality, Accomodation, Harmony, Mixing/Bringing together into Perfect Union, Management, Compatibility, Fusion, Adjustment, Good Influence, Fortunate Omen, Consolidation, Successful Combination
~grabbin the gold and shaking the shit off; finding the balance, the perfect mixture~
-=Taking the coarse materials and letting yourself be the vessel in which they are transformed into true and precious gold. This card reminds me to hold the tension, to feel it, to breathe it in, and then to release it. =-
The Questioner: 10 of Rods
Excessive pressure, Problems resolved, Striving to meet Goals or maintain Certain Level, Powers used Selfishly?
~woe caused by malicious people who lie for the devilment of it~
-=Totally focused. With this bundle of energy, it takes complete focus to move the bundle forward. You are giving this task your undivided attention in order to understand the cosmic logic involved. =-
Environmental Factors: 9 of Swords
Misery, Concern, Unhappiness, Anxiety over Loved One, worry, Dispair, Suffering
--A sleepless woman sits bowed in despair, oppressed by 9 Swords--
*Comprehend the incomprehensible*
~confess recent acts of anger~
-=Yes, there is an aspect of nightmare and despair to this card -- but it also indicates that you are grasping the consequences and meanings of your thoughts, a connection that will allow you to go beyond knee-jerk reactions to a true heart/mind connection. =-
Inner Emotions: Knight of Pentacles
Mature & Responsible Person, Reliable, Methodical, Patient, Persistent, Ability to Conclude Tasks, Laborious, Organized, Capable, Dependable Person
~young person hoarding money~
-=This card allows you the freedom to stop sweeping your blunders and the mess of reality under the rug, to let these things fertilize the field of your life, the garden of your experience. In agrarian days, horses went to a lot of work to cart their own manure to the fields, so it could feed plants that gave our ancestors wine and bread. In the same way, we often make our messes in private -- our shortcomings that we can't ignore, overcome, or put aside -- but we can bring them out into the light and see what will grow. =-
Final Result: Queen of Pentacles
Prosperity & Well-Being, Wealth, Abundance, Luxury, Opulence, Extreme Comfort, Generosity, Security, Liberty, Magnificence, Grace, Dignity, Rich, Generous & Charitable, Noble Soul
-=So many Pentacles in this reading -- so much about the connection to reality, about paying attention to reality, even questioning the definition of reality. The queen in particular is the connection of soul and matter, the "brass tacks work" of dealing with the difficulties in life and death. So much of what you said on the phone is in her -- Cultivating what you cherish the most. Knowing that each human being is a unique product of nature -- loving that which is alive in you and in the people around you. Manifestation will take on the many facets of the soul, and it won't always make sense, but the queen does her job simply by staying connected and present, holding onto her shield/pentacle/earth with tears in her eyes.=-
Monday, July 10, 2006
Blessing moon
What an amazing night... What an amazing last few days... I'm overwhelmed and refreshed as, thankfully, once again, my head has sought freedom from deep within my ass... I made a totally cool new friend, I lost a really cool kinda new boyfriend, I've had a couple of great, amazing days with my son, I've shed tears for myself, yelled at myself, resolved to be far more kind and gentle with myself, I read my cards, I listened to new music, I surrounded myself with love and light and peace and kindness (and a toasted almond fudge icecream cone) and immense gratitude for the millions of tiny blessings that make up my gigantically huge joyful life! Thank you, thank you, thank you & Yes, yes, yes!!! ::::dancing::::
Friday, July 07, 2006
Patches...
My old fat fat fat kitty...
She's just not been the same without Hannah (know how she feels!). She's been far more needy than usual and more vocal, too, like she was with Mitch -- though I didn't really notice she got quiet, since I wasn't the one she talked to. Her walking has looked painful for the last 6 months and she got an unusually large *crazy spot* in front of her tail (bigger and more reactive than before and than in other cats) that makes her twitch all funny (Jeremy thought it was amusing until she peed all over him while he touched her there)... of course, being so fat and non-dexterious, she's not been keeping herself very clean. She has just started wanting to go outside again (she was outside her first three years in CA), not wandering more than a few feet from the door and coming in after only a few hours.
Since we returned from Bemidji, we notice she's lost a lot of weight (probably not noticeable to others), she able to move much more easily and her *crazy spot* is completely bald; the skin looks fine and not irritated, just bald. She is refusing to come into the house, prefering to hang out by the door and chase away the neighbor's cat (aarrgghh! I hate, hate, hate that f*ckin' cat!), her fur is much cleaner... but she's not eating or drinking fresh water.
Is this what cats do when they're preparing to die?? She's pretty ding, dang old and I'm as prepared as I can be with her death, but I don't look forward to yet another loss, but I do look forward to her joining Mitch and Hannah and Cheba-kittty and Chi-Chi-dog...
She's just not been the same without Hannah (know how she feels!). She's been far more needy than usual and more vocal, too, like she was with Mitch -- though I didn't really notice she got quiet, since I wasn't the one she talked to. Her walking has looked painful for the last 6 months and she got an unusually large *crazy spot* in front of her tail (bigger and more reactive than before and than in other cats) that makes her twitch all funny (Jeremy thought it was amusing until she peed all over him while he touched her there)... of course, being so fat and non-dexterious, she's not been keeping herself very clean. She has just started wanting to go outside again (she was outside her first three years in CA), not wandering more than a few feet from the door and coming in after only a few hours.
Since we returned from Bemidji, we notice she's lost a lot of weight (probably not noticeable to others), she able to move much more easily and her *crazy spot* is completely bald; the skin looks fine and not irritated, just bald. She is refusing to come into the house, prefering to hang out by the door and chase away the neighbor's cat (aarrgghh! I hate, hate, hate that f*ckin' cat!), her fur is much cleaner... but she's not eating or drinking fresh water.
Is this what cats do when they're preparing to die?? She's pretty ding, dang old and I'm as prepared as I can be with her death, but I don't look forward to yet another loss, but I do look forward to her joining Mitch and Hannah and Cheba-kittty and Chi-Chi-dog...
They...
They may see the good you do
as self serving.
Continue to do good.
They may see your generosity
as grandstanding.
Continue to be generous.
They may see your warm
and caring nature as a weakness.
Continue to be warm and caring.
For you see, in the end,
it is between you and God.
It never was between you
and them anyway.
as self serving.
Continue to do good.
They may see your generosity
as grandstanding.
Continue to be generous.
They may see your warm
and caring nature as a weakness.
Continue to be warm and caring.
For you see, in the end,
it is between you and God.
It never was between you
and them anyway.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
what the hell am I doing??
Ever had one of those days?? one of those lives?? I just wonder what exactly I was thinking (or drinking?!) when I signed up for *this* life!! Yeah, yeah, yeah maybe it isn't a manifestation of my soul, but that thought really does ring True, that *I* indeed am my universe's master of ceremonies and *I* do bring to the surface what needs to be seen, touched, felt, examined, catagorized, analyzed and understood... Why? is the googleplex dollar question. Somewhere I thought I needed a boyfriend who doesn't quite *get* me? I thought it would be a great idea to raise my kid in poverty, cause I'd rather hang out with him than have a meaningless job for more money? What the hell, throw in marrying a guy who's gonna die on me and whatthehell, how about you have a kid you're perfectly matched to parent and let her die, too? God is insane. That's the conclusion. Like a, like, well, I can't think of what it's like exactly, cause there's nothing else like this situation in the whole of the universe (and I know this because if there were, I would never feel so alone)... God does sometimes enjoy the Moses on the throne image, sitting there, bemused and we mere mortals and our self-created insanity (or is that God induced?) search and search and search for meaning where I seriously doubt any exists in the first place -- for the sick amusement of our future selves? Surely not just to have something to do until we can achieve nirvana and understand it all in hindsight. Maybe the meaning is right here, right here inside me and I'm too much of a fucking chicken to acknowledge it (pretty close to the Truth -- I know cause I didn't like thinking it, let alone typing it)... aarrgghh, but not really.
Today's actually a great day. I'm gonna be a very pretty bridesmaid next month. I noticed I actually have tan lines! (okay, they're beige lines, but it's a color change!!) Hayden's happily enjoying some Eli time. I got a good night's sleep. It's the third day of my cycle and the flood is abating. The moon is growing larger and larger and soon we'll get to see her whole face!
I think I'll scrounge up a buzz and maybe some make-out time... the questions will still be here and the answers will still be mysteries, but I'll have a big-ol' shit eatin' grin on my face!
Today's actually a great day. I'm gonna be a very pretty bridesmaid next month. I noticed I actually have tan lines! (okay, they're beige lines, but it's a color change!!) Hayden's happily enjoying some Eli time. I got a good night's sleep. It's the third day of my cycle and the flood is abating. The moon is growing larger and larger and soon we'll get to see her whole face!
I think I'll scrounge up a buzz and maybe some make-out time... the questions will still be here and the answers will still be mysteries, but I'll have a big-ol' shit eatin' grin on my face!
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