I met the Black Guy

Today at the Farmer's Market, my friend Sean had a booth called "Meet a Black Guy" - just to begin a conversation in town about our lack of skin color variety, locally.
I loved the idea immediately! I told Jeff I wanted to do a reverse "elevator scene" where the Big Black Guy is paranoid about the Little White Chick. Like most men-of-color in elevators, I was just being my own self, not even interested in the fannypack Jeff's holding. Like most women in elevators, however, Jeff gave me the "paranoid vibe" and clutched his bag for dear life. It's a fun thing to poke at, though I doubt it's much fun for the Jeffs in this world who have to deal with purses being clutched a bit tighter at the sight of his beautiful tan skin. Jeff was a great sport about the whole thing, engaging in conversation with anyone who stopped by. I'm happy to report the overwhelming response was one of humor with willingness to converse about what needs to be done to be a magnet for cultural and colorful variety.

Thanks for the chuckles ♥ and thanks for being a Tan Ambassador for Corvallis!

My Ruby Slippers

The remarkable, roundabout, discovery of the LIG Conference was There's no place like home! The right here in front of me HOME. That book I keep recommending, the one I really need to read again for my OWN Self, The Journey Home, is true. All we want of Home is right before us. And it took one floating Birkenstock to begin the enlightenment...It was an innocent riverside nudge, the shoe flew off and floated away. I thought Beth would burst, as we watched my (later-dubbed) Jesus Cleat (yes, it just might have been the man's secret to walking on water) swim towards the Pacific, in search of it's new home. I'm glad I was brave enough to paint it before it left. I'm glad Hayden outgrew them last week, so I might enjoy their last days with us. I'm so looking forward to finding it's photo in Found magazine. Without spares, Beth rescued me with an amazing pair of hot pink orthopedic shoes. They don't look it, they're old lady shoes in a hip chick package! I couldn't give them back. I'm almost sorry even, Beth, as I can only imagine how much you miss them. Know that each step I take is filled with Love and Gratitude for you and the shoe gods who must have conspired for this adventure to begin.

You may remember I was in quite a freaky-icky funk before the conference. It was all I had in me to conjure a good feeling about attending, let alone participating fully and joyfully. Several shifts in a quick succession and I was in a place of openness and readiness for whatever was awaiting me. I chose to stand in "Seeking the Good" because it felt better than the other bogged-down perspectives I'd been stuck in.
The next time you're tempted to call someone and say, "I think you're really good at that" -- Do it! Because someone I love and respect said those words to me, I knew I was fully prepared. I could share myself and my well-earned wisdom with those who would be open to the benefit of a shift in perspective. And what a wholloping shift I got to make! (More on TheWork of Byron Katie, I promise! Thanks Mike Biskup!!)

Mary's back. I saw her open further and further as the weekend progressed. Her larger than head smiles were genuine and deep by Monday afternoon in the park. Welcome Home Mary ♥ I had no idea how much I missed us. Both. What a beautiful, safe, loving, joyful celebration of life we were part of this weekend. A Present of Presence. Whatever the road to arrive right here, right now, it's all moot -- Right Here, Right Now Rocks and it's all been worthwhile getting here.

These are my new home girls. We're ready to take over the town -- Yeah BABY!
Renee is a freak who was hiding among the scary folk, secretly waiting for her fellow freaks to expose themselves. She found me. Then mostly I hid from all the places she sought me. And now I've been cornered and I'm in love. Scotty got to be XuMei's Fairy Godparent at the Conference and Renee was Scotty's ♥ I wanna dance like her and Chris. I also think we should both be preggers next year; we'd be quite a sight! Kat (with the pink hair, not to be confused with Kitty, the punk rock one with pink hair) is my long-distance (VA) blog-stalker. Now she lives just a big U away. She's fed us a lot these last couple of days; me and my teenage cohorts. Thanks Girlie! Meanwhile, her hubby is very Scotty-like and they've got a dog who is loving my Cesar channeling ;)
Also at Kat's house lives Marley. I. Love. Marley. She is a true to the bone unschooler. No box big enough for this humongous soul in a tiny little 4 year old package.
She should grow up and marry Fergus. Their babies would be Wild Animals. THAT would be fun to witness ♥
She really likes me now. The neighbor's cat came looking for her today, after Marley made her a delicious and playful salad from backyard greens.

Life is Good and I'm so glad I am reminded again and again and again.
It is a blessing to be here, now, together.
Amen Sisters!

Instant Nudge

"Through the power of your thought, and through the power of your intentions, you will draw those beings to you who are harmonious, in intent, with you. And you will repel those beings who are not in harmony with your intentions.

If your intentions are not clear, then you will attract confusion, but as you are more specifically defining, in every day, what you want, then you will, more specifically, draw those individuals to you who will enhance that. As you attract those of like intent, you will have joyous interaction."

- Abraham-Hicks, A New Beginning

a little help from my friends...

This is the vision I hold for my Life in Corvallis. Hanging out with Kelli & Mary with some kick-ass coffee and big ol' smiles. That is a vision I will continue to hold for my Life in Corvallis.
This whole having cool friends in the same town experience has been newly awkward for me. I was just thinking of this a moment ago... I've often scheduled friends, while family tends to just pop over. Actually we saw our friends regularly at scheduled events and sporadically scheduled in between. (Is that a homeschooler thing?) Hanging out with unschoolers has, until Corvallis, meant driving 6 hours to Kelli's house (or even farther to other unschoolers' homes) and having a full-on immersion visit for a few-many days ♥ or far more hours of driving to an Unschooling Conference, again for a full-on immersion; both result in lots of in-between isolated times. It was the strangest sensation to realize this condition has become a choice; a valid one, yes, and for the first time a valid choice among many. Whoa.
Choice. There it is again.
I've taken a close look at friendships these last many days & I've been shown some amazing examples of the power of my own intent. First, thanks Kel, for having an eye-opening, earth-shattering dilemma; the ripples here are mostly much appreciated. Mary, I am your newly deemed Latte Schlepper ♥ It's the least I can do, to come absorb your new house vibe! And Tena, thanks for the card and the many crazy years we've evolved along together! Cards aren't a one time thing - this was a great surprise to receive again, today (in pile form ::bg::)
To use Cesar's analogy, I've been the unstable member in a pack of local homeschoolers. I attended a meeting with the moms at the peak of my emotional instability (think last week of February). I was sent into such a tizzy, I vowed never to return and never to expose my son to these well-intended-yet-crazed-&-judgmental people. (guess what energy I was projecting? anyone?) I have strong memories of my reactions to their concerns. My projected judgment they'd use on my son's behaviors (including his hobbies and vocabulary). Instead of seeking my own emotional reconciliation, I chose avoidance with a vat of wallow, on the side please. It was my attendance at a second group in town, where I noticed that here, where the parents are far more loving and gentle, so understanding of the free life principles, my triggers were still being pressed. Wait a freaking minute!! It's ME?! Fucksnot. I'm running a bit too parallel to the guy on the roof, waiting for God to save him and turning down all human assistance. Okay, fine, I'll begin to take a hint.
So I went to Central Park on Mother's Day, to stand in solidarity with Mamas everywhere. There was a big gathering of local women, some with their partners, some with their families. I offered Hannah to Leah, who stood beside me in circle. She also is with the Mother/Daughter duo who enjoyed the sunny day at the park. My tour guide du jour, Michelle, tucked her into her bra and I had to chuckle at the appropriateness of that placement, my breastmilk lovin' babe! I was invited to join the Raging Grannies - a political singing group - okay, get back in your chair, no they did not ask me to audition hee hee hee I can at least help them flip the lyrics, bring some fresh, hip perspective to this Weird Al Gore (is that funny?) thing they got going on, I guess they're really popular ♥ - and I hear tell there's a girl in town I have to meet, with whom I shall find all that I seek for outlets in Corvallis. I'm not sure what that means exactly, I think the ladies feel we'll get along splendidly or sumsuch. I mention moving here for the specific homeschooling community, the unschoolers. Boy was there a reaction from Michelle! (She brought us all one of these ♥) She's got this amazing story and I can't wait to hang out with her some more!
Then I told Mary that I'm sorry I don't go over for with coffee. I was waiting. Instead of enjoying the here and now. Me! harrumph or however you spell it.
I'm on a roll. I don't actually make it to Raging Grannies; they might just expect that I can sing. And they meet Tuesdays at Noon. xP
On Wednesday, however, I get a message that another new unschooler we know from some of the coolest lists on the internet, is in town with many of her children. They're moving to a ginormous home, 40 minutes from Corvallis, from the home they're selling in Montana. With 9 kids, 5 grands, 2 daughters in law and soon her husband's parents.
For Kathleen, for the opportunity to revel in her light, in person, well, that's about the only thing worthy of facing my *F.E.A.R.s and returning to the aforementioned homeschool group's playdate (this time at a huge, beautiful park, the second week of May!) with my kid and his waterballoons. I breathed a lot. A lot more. I chatted some. Breathed. It was sunny and beautiful and, as always, green green green. Lots of oxygen for breathing.
I got the best surprise, meeting Kat! She just moved here with her beautiful kids, from VA. They have a creek in their backyard, can't wait to go play :) She's friends with a Sunnyside Up regular, who also happens to be part of the SafeBirth movement, who didn't read my blog until Kat-still-in-VA, who I'd never met, recommended it to her. Small freakin world.
Kathleen and brood arrived not long after I did. Her Levi and Hayden were an instant match (Levi'd been up til 3 leveling his WoW character). I relaxed, we all sat and chatted. Olivia is my new friend. Yep add her to my collection of favorite humans. She's on the lookout for the perfect dog for me ♥ Tycen, oh my goodness, is the image I always held in my mind as "Mitch's Son" - the poofy hair, the big head, the strong face, football catchin' hands! - it blew me away!
And there was a moment. I my belly sank with the acknowledgment of my creation of this moment. Bleck. It hurt and pounded, as moms and kids surrounding my kid, his new friend and his waterballoons. There they were, the moms who said tolerated violent talk (including cursing in any form), let alone physical play perceived-violence of any level, they would withdraw their families from the group, right there, looking at my kid and talking to him about his behavior. This whole brigade, to ask Hayden to only throw balloons at kids who have given their permission first. Fair enough. Then the kid-complainants lined up for Hayden to give them filled waterballoons. I kinda mentioned the mixed signals going on, though mostly I just breathed away that pit in my gut and stuck closer to Hayden, helping tie the balloons and making sure there was wetness consent from those now in The Waterballoon Zone.
A happy wrap up, though I let some fears and chattering continue in my own head...
Which actually let to a true, deep release and happy wrap up when I met Sara. When I described my reaction to the situation, she stood in the place of their friend and nudged me out of my stuckedness and into a better perspective on the whole thing. Thanks Sara ♥
Levi and Hayden got to extend their goobyes and plan for the future meetings. What a treat it will be to have them so close!
So today, my local friends and I will not be popping over or visiting, we'll be busting our humps (Mary more than me) to get stuff ready for this crazy Conference & beyond!
Good thing I'm doin this thinking before more friends arrive... great chance to practice my quiet presence in the moment ♥ Peace. Another valid, valuable choice. And then I saw these and I knew...

All is well.
Exactly.

*FEAR=Forgetting Everything's All Right

I'm a Grownup?

I'm awaiting the input of my inner sociologist on this situation... It's like I can't even get my own perspective, let alone change it. Though I know by Thursday afternoon, I'll be ready to advocate to everyone in the room that flagellation, while certainly a valid option, is perhaps not the best moving forward nor present in the moment incentive to use towards oneself. I want to stand there, knowing this not only through (plenty of) flagellation experience and the glorious experience of nudging down the shore toward Now Gratitude with helpful, respectful, honorable & kind SelfTalk.
I have a lot of practice in a destructive, and oh so self-fulfilled, conversation about my relationship with money. Granted, I am the queen of pulling it outta somewhere and there are certainly pay-offs to that skill. There is too, a tiring overuse of that skill. If the tiring overuse peak coincides with a period of reality withdrawal by me, there's gonna be financial consequences. Last month I donated a lot of money to Wells-Fargo via paid check fees. Then I got an "incentive" check, paid a few bills, shopped a bit and *poof* it was gone, too. We got another one, decided this one should be more fun (birthday, conference, company!!), scheduled an expensive haircut and got a call that our power had been turned off and I needed to come home and pay the bill *poof* that one's gone too. And we're back in the same hole we started in two weeks ago, or another painfully similar, certainly no closer to any kind of financial peace.
There's a full-on track of resentment about having this responsibility. I don't like it. I don't do it well. Ick. Ick. Ick. AAAACCCCCCKKKKK the conversation is just awful and though I know the situation is not going away, too I don't know what the Other, healthier conversation sounds like, feels like, lives like...
I see myself in my family's pattern, with a clarity for my parents I never had before. Partiers at payday, while paupers the days before and all too soon thereafter. They, too, owe their relationship with money to a reaction from their childhoods. Hayden's childhood is vastly healthier on so many levels, it's appropriate his family's relationship with money is healthy and joyous. That means me.
I want my chores as a responsible human being to be much like rearranging furniture. It's a big effort that may start out excited and giddy, becoming grumbly in the middle and then, through inertia, becomes exciting and fun again. The end result is a big one; controlled change. Wowee. Okay now you're done for a while. Bill shit, you gotta stay on top of that. Like knowing that your power bill is still being sent to the PO Box you never check and that is not an excuse for not acknowledging you owe them money anyway. And you still deserve your super cool new haircut and color. That is kicking my ass right now. Accepting what I've done and actually being joyful in that moment.
My first dream for winning the lottery is having a financial manager. Aaaaah that would be freedom. So somewhere between my financial genie and my uncomfortable flagellation lies the key to diana's joyous relationship with financial responsibility. Hell, with grownup responsibility as a whole ♥
And yes, I will be talking to lots of people about The Work next weekend... coincidence? ;)

psssst, Universe -
I want it all *and* an eyebrow wax!
pleaseandthankyouverymuch♥

I've been petting myself all day!

The other day I looked like thisToday I woke up looking like thisThis is what I looked like after losing 10lbs of hair without losing any length! And then the story takes a sexy twist Let me start at the beginning, though. I woke up, any normal day that includes an incredibly indulgent hair style evolution. Let's just call it my 40th Birthday present to myself. I got the card of the guy who takes care of Donna, the woman with the coolest hair in town. (you can see a picture of her at Zenmomma's Garden, in the sidebar) I told him I had long straight hair and bangs and I've had long straight hair with bangs for a really long time and now I'm getting older and more grey and my hair is changing texture and this hairstyle is really not conducive to the hair I actually have and though I don't really know what it is I want, I'm definitely ready for something else. whew! Do you want color? Oh I dunno... that treatment takes indulgent to an incredibly luxurious level. I didn't decide on the phone, I couldn't, I left it up in the air. Once he fulfilled my ego's need for hair admiration, deep layers were recommended. My hair would be lighter, thinner and have some actual movement! And all the dead, scratchy, scraggly parts - the parts that actually led me to consider dreads - were gooooooone ♥ The Joy of maintaining the longest hair of my entire life!
He brought out the little color swatch book... and pointed right at the color he knew I'd pick for my own self... he asked if I liked my haircolor of course! I'm a strawberry blonde girl! Well maybe not! He swore he could do a dark, cherry toned color that wouldn't wash out my skin color and would look totally hot for my presentation and for my big ol' birthday. I took a deep breath and a big leap of faith. A blowdry and flatiron and a big ol' chunk o' cash later... Then I got out the eyeliner Holy crapoly! It's a chick!

Scared the Fu*k right-outta Me

Literally. Poor Scotty. We just figgered that one out.
We were gonna flirt, ya know, maybe some mindless, sweaty sex and off I'd go and there he'd stay.

And it didn't happen that way.

"I was fine short-term. You're a great temporary boyfriend. You know the long-haul shit, well, that just scares the fuck outta me.

oh, shit, literally!"

I may be funnying something that need not be funnied.
Except it's really, really funny.
Today, I bought these fine products. They'll bring me balance ♥ and a little extra for the ever-deserving SCB ;)

Be, Do, Have -or- the shot to my own foot wasn't pleasant

Responsibility. Can't escape it. Even if you work very hard to avoid it, it's still yours. Yours to screw up by avoidance or to manage with presence and attention. Egads. I'm ending my 40th year and this is an aha moment for me. There's not going to be anyone swooping in, anytime soon, to take over the parts of being a responsible human that don't seem to sit as comfortably on me as they do on others. Most others. I'm weird. I know it. I also know I'm capable of responsibility. I'm capable of having a better quality of conversations, and thereby expectations, of myself. So I've got sand in my oyster. I am shifting my way over to find balm for the irritation I feel within myself. I'm amazed as the inner sociologist watches me create situations where I'm worthy of shitty self value and I go out of my way to prove myself right. Okay, that's skewed. Even for me. Why? Ah, yeah, another shift, another agreement dissolved, light shown upon another shadow. Forgetting Everything's All Right -- yeah, that.
A wake up call. An awareness. A beginning tingle that started as a wrenched tummy and became an empowering force of action (the antidote to despair). The consequence of said lack of responsible focus may be felt for a while, the presidential kick-back (anticipated this week!) will ease a bit of the tension, though solving nothing. Thanks anyway. See? I'm shifting to gratitude. I am. I just forgot, I Am Gratitude. I live, breathe, express and enjoy immense gratitude in my life. I am truly blessed beyond my own understanding. I gotta let my light shine further.
I think I'll jump rope some more before I go to work. I'll practice saying nice things about myself and watch the universe take steps to prove me right ♥

and a completely unrelated video to remind me of happy. Disneyland, the happiest place on Earth, 2006. Lucky for you, that's Joanna singing, not me ♥