He's Just NOT That Into You

What a fucked up title to a really cool book - cruel as hell, but cool.
Shit or get off the pot ~ once thought of as the ultimate ultimatum to give a guy... now it's empowering women to realize when the guy really doesn't want to go there and walk away.
Thanks, Tena... I think.

An Apology

I owe you an apology; I really thought I could handle it, but I didn't.
Instead of warning you, I kept it together as best I could, though not very well.
This time of year sucks for me, in the biggest way possible. From Thanksgiving to mid-December, I am a mess, a puddle of emotional goo.
I really miss Mitch, I miss being married, I miss being loved for who I am, I miss my children having a father, I miss having emotional support for holidays, I miss having sex, I miss the smell of a man in my house, I miss the feel of a man in my bed, I miss laughing at my fucked up family when I really want to cry, I miss not having to deal with being alone, I miss not having to deal with dating, I miss not being lonely beyond description.
I keep his memory alive. I must, my children depend on it. I'm the only way they'll know where they came from, that they were created with an amazing love by parents who wanted them more than anything and who committed their lives to growing with them, loving them.
It would be easier for all of us, truly it would, if I could just let go, stop talking, stop remembering, stop reminding, stop missing and stop crying; pretend he didn't happen or that he's not still important.
But I won't.
It's my job to honor the life of the man who changed mine so dramatically.

None of this means you don't count, it doesn't mean you're not important.
Yes, it means you're not first, but you're now and that is all we have.

Early Morning

Just had to type something so the world could know, sometimes I'm awake before I should be.

hormones

I catch a whiff of you
and my ovaries respond
my pituitary gland is awake
estrogen does her best
to create an appealing mate
And as the moon swells
she steps back
awakening progesterone
the playful sister who makes
creation practice fun
as the egg pops from the nest
floating towards the fertile land
another opportunity to
play with fate.
Then the moon is gone
and the missed chance
slips silently out of me
progesterone exhausted
estrogen returns
with a vengence
swelling
angry
sad
she wants time off
she wants procreation
she'll have to wait for menopause.

the big aha!

The Death Day Celebration was today. We went to Chuck E. Cheese and did the same things we'd done for the last three celebrations. Something was different this year. Maybe it's my sensitivity about relating things back to Mitch's life, it's beginning to feel too much, too forced, too distant. Our previous parties had a sense of "gee it's sad he's not here" (which I think I heavily influenced) where today I felt "it's fun to be here, now, together" My children live in the now; our life is fun NOW, when it matters. Nothing's missing, no gaping hole, no chasm of love lost; this here's our life and it'sa good'n. Today represents validation for allowing my children to have their own experiences, separate completely from mine, to be honored as they are. Maybe next year I'll go on vacation alone or light a candle and pray by myself; I'll do with the kids whatever they request. My prayers have changed, too, from prayers of sorrow to prayers of gratitude... My life is good today. The lessons of the past have shown me I am who I've become by living thru what I must, I am honored to have been challenged so mightily and to maintain an even firmer grasp on who diana is and, more importantly, how diana is in this big crazy life of mine.

To the Universe:
For all that has come to pass and for all that is yet to be,
I do say thanks! and I do say YES!

Sleep

Oh the joy of sleep, the great escape!
My waking thoughts are of who I am while I'm asleep,
for there I live without question, without fear,
quite literally the woman of my dreams.
And, luckily, the woman of your dreams,
there within mine you live, free from fears and doubts;
Where the reality is the 'what if' from here,
the 'who cares' and the 'why not'
no reasons exist to be different than who we're meant to be,
nothing demands we conform to any standard,
(though I'm not getting much done without a standard wakeful period)
Freedom, pure and simple,
ours for the taking.
I need a nap.