It's Tuesday , isn't it?

Four days till the fourth year is complete... Time does fly and it's been a fun journey. Have I done my best? I've done what I've done with what I had, now I have the experience of having lived life as I never expected and surviving, thriving... more than four years really, but definitely four years that really truly counted, four years that made a lifetime of difference in me, lessons I cannot imagine learning any other way. The diana way, certainly more understanding of myself and who I am, who I want to represent to the world, who I am on the inside authenically represented on the outside. Better vision of how, where and why, deeper breaths, pondered thoughts, joy, love and laughter.
Hm, I think Mitch is proud of our life, our kids. The thought brings great peace.

Thanksgiving Prayer by Debbie Ford

Thank you for all the people who are in my life. Thank you for giving me my body, my hands, my feet, and my heart. Thank you for giving me the ability to love, care for and contribute to others. Thank you for allowing me to grow and evolve, to shed the old and make room for the new. Thank you for my ability to see new opportunities and to explore new paths. Thank you for giving me the ability to think, and most importantly, to choose. Today I give thanks for my right to choose new perspectives, new beliefs, new interpretations, new behaviors, new habits and a new attitude -- all God's gifts to me, all free, all accessible at any moment. Thank you God for waking me up to how blessed I really am. May the love that fills my heart right now go out and enter into the hearts of all the people that I love - the ones that I know and the ones that I don't know. May it go out and enter into the hearts of the hungry, the lonely, the sick, or those that are hurting in any way. May they know that on this day, they are loved and cared for by me. So be it. So it is. Amen.

God and Prayer, Jenner Style

......from earlier this month......

We don't pray in this family, I overheard them say. Who doesn't pray, I ask, I pray all the time. Well, so do I, admits Hannah. Who do you pray to? I ask. Daddy, she replies, he can always hear me. I pray, cries Hayden, I pray to Jesus... Really? I ask after breathing deeply and in the most interested non judgmental mommy voice I could muster, tell me more, I say. There used to be God, he begins, but the dinosaurs ate him and he died. Jesus came here to take his place, now he's God and I pray to him.

......from last week......

Hannah attended AWANA as a guest of her friend. [Anointed Workers Are Not Afraid] She came home very excited with all the enrollment and achievement information. She had memorized enough bible verses to advance a couple of levels into the club's initiation. She and her friend took every opportunity to beg for my agreement for Hannah to attend every week. I promised to take the matter under advisement, to be discussed with Hannah at a later date. I'd already bumbled through a description of my UU beliefs with the mom, she didn't make eye contact throughout the excitement.
I kept my word, I thoughtfully considered the pros and cons of Hannah's exploration of Christianity with the social opportunity to be with her friend. After deliberating with myself [no small feat] and discussing it with others, I talked with Hannah. I told her the reason we go to the UU church is for the freedom to believe whatever we need to believe for our life to work. I want her to have beliefs of her own, not the beliefs forced upon her by anyone else. The church she wants to explore has ONE way of believing. If you don't believe what they say, they will tell you that you're going to hell. Hannah is thoughtful and says, Well, if I don't believe in Hell, I can't go there, now can I?? I love my kid. I also told her I want her to learn about the bible and what it says, it's full of wisdom; I want her to learn about Jesus, he was a great man and she should know how other people feel about him. The decision is hers, not mine, her spirituality must be wholly and completely her own journey. I gave her my full support to make whatever choice will work in her life right now. Instead of the jumping up and cheering I had expected, she sat back and pondered. I'll think about it.
a few days later...
Hannah, there's no AWANA this Wednesday, because of Thanksgiving. That's okay mom, I don't think I'll go to AWANA unless I'm someone's guest. It was hard not to cheer.

Tuesdays with Nani

My rambling thoughts...
Great day with the kids, finding peace is easy today, we all like each other :)
Hannah's part of a *girls' club* with her friends. Today they brought white tee shirts to gym day to decorate and wear. Rey got one that reads: Girls Club Slave and Anya got one that says: Girls Club Trainee Sandra doesn't want Madeline to have one (why oh why does she need to rain on that poor girl's parade?!) but Sylva, Hannah and Aalysha want her to participate anyway. Lost them at the end of gym day, almost freaked out when they were missing; they were looking for me, too -- almost freaking out themselves. It's nice to be reminded how much we need each other.
Big talk with David last night - said all I needed to say, yet again, to release some of the building pressure in my soul... touched on everything from need for uninterrupted adult conversation to using children to avoid intimacy to fears of rejection (mine) to new uncomfortable fears (his) to the Four Agreements impact in my life... I was impressed at my ability to have this conversation at all, then I was impressed I could do it without all the (entitiled) girly whining and crying, THEN I was impressed it could be done in a joyful, playful spirit with both of us hanging up happy.

Wow!

There's powerful magic afoot,
I know because everyone is reacting to the possibility.
In strange ways,
My insight, my growth, my patience.
Who'da thunk I'd be so evolved?
David is sick, like he made himself physically sick--
Unwilling to confront himself head-on,
His immune system saves him with a quick and complete shut-down.
If only his fears crashed so easily.
Wallow, wallow, wallow,
with complete freedom to use those coping skills,
as mismatched as they may be to this situation.
They're yours, and you're attached to them,
and you have a god-given right to use them as necessary, as YOU see fit.
Just remember, I have a goddess-given right not to react
in any of the predictable forms.
I will be me in the face of this new challenge to us.

I've decided...

I've decided some things today.
I will be diana in the face of all things,
fear included, fears especially.
You may bare your teeth and growl,
because you know I'm getting closer;
you can't scare me away.
I am worthy of all that I have,
I have wonderful things.
I am surrounded by unbounded love
that I will feed from my unbounded font of love.
The things you love are worth the wait.
This is a good place to be.

A good place to be

I'm in a great place today.
Peace is my friend, there's a genuine smile on my face.
Mackenzie is here for a week while her mom pops out another kid.
Her life will be changing dramatically, I'm glad we can be here for her.
In some ways I wish I could just take her on, in many others I know I can't.
Fill her with as much joy as we can before sending her back to her mother.

WWDD

What would diana do???

Being authentic is a lot of fucking work.
It's much easier to just let that soap opera lady take over,
She looks good when her mascara runs.
Someone always hugs her,
she's bitter and vengeful if they don't.
Laughter feels better than tears.
Looks better, too.
Laughter only works when it's really you who's doing it.

I have a wealth of previously-untapped patience.
Infinite quantities, well-rested and ready to work.
There's no shortage of patience, why do we think that?
Patience.
A 'manufactured' shortage, we need to need.
Patience.
The part of investing yourself that requires the most faith.
The part that brings the most joy and love.
A gift. Never earned, freely given.

Patience with my kids. Patient Mommy.
Sure they've had longer to 'use up' my patience
(another falsehood, where'd it go??)
Certainly they deserve all I have to offer them.
Patient 'in order to' doesn't seem authentic.
Patience brings peace, allows for joy.
It's a lot like laughing.
Peace will bring presence,
The eyes and the heart to the now.
Fully present in the moment.
Keeping my eye on that prize, patience with my own journey,
Peace and presence in each moment.
Joy is always a choice.