Hmmm

I got kissed by a cute boy. All is right with the world.

My amazing weekend

I can't believe it's so far past... I'm still reeling in the shockwaves.

I picked up the pictures from David, for Gramma Mimi. I even went to Lisa's and wrapped them up for shipping. Not with an open, loving heart, however. I chose to wallow in self-pity and exaggerated (some imagined) wounds. If it wasn't one person it was the other, I was a ball of pain. Joanna came to town with Nathan. We got Hayden and Nathan together and they had a great time! At lunch on Saturday, with family, I was waaaaay bitchy and snippy (though right in principle, the, ah, example wasn't accurate/appropriate). So Donna came and took me for a drive and a much needed puking session. I said what needed to be said, for it to be gone from my soul, so as not to fester and spoil my thoughts. Ah, what a relief! Hayden was at the zoo with Nathan and Jared & Liz. When they returned, we (us + Nathan) went to see my niece Brittany's basketball game. Nathan was so excited to meet another cool cousin! She played well, it was a blast. We absorbed her into our mass and went to Aunt Karna's for dinner. Joanna had recovered enough from her migrane, she was willing to take on the kids and go to The Wild... I ran away to hang out with Lisa and Brian :::bg::: ***Warning***out of character behavior*** We went to the Cage Fights at the Armory on the Fairgrounds. Totally bizarre, in every way! My expectations surprised me by even existing, then my disappointment was a shock, the fact that there were 8 pregnant girls in attendence strikes me mute... I was really surprised (and a bit elated) when I began coaching the yeller sitting in front of me and he took the coaching! I had some crazy commentary... this was truly another piece of diana history, the big grand sociology experiment which I am. A drunk girl fell on us and flashed a bleacher full of rednecks. Only two of 26 fighters bled (externally). There was a lot of wrestling, dancing... even some praying. Not a lot of fighting. Lisa thinks the first three minutes should be used to insult one another, so at least there'd be some adreneline flowing. I spent lots of time talking to the yeller, who turns out to be a pretty cool guy. We met up for a beer after the match and ended up talking until 5 am.
Sunday ended up strange, too... I slept with my cell phone, in case David called for church in the am -nope- We got up in time to go to Aunt Karna's for lunch... JamieJason came up with the rest of their family and Jon was in good spirits... what a great day! (Pictures to come!). Wrassled a bit with jason - he's huge!- someday, I'll kick his ass without having to fight like a girl... until then, I won like a girl! Brian called and was desperate to play some disc golf - I'm not good, but I'm a hell of a lot of fun. Brian sold the park to an incredibly tired Hayden and he joyfully came with us. At Tuthill Park, a hot-air balloon was half filled on the lawn, readying for take-off. Hayden bee-lined for the spectacle and we got front row viewing of the amazing process... we stood in awe until the wind took it over the tree line and out of sight. We threw the bottom few holes, tossed a disc for Buddha, laughed A LOT, I pushed Hayden on the swings and coached him on jumping off... I walked thru the thick, cool grass with bare feet (Hannah would say: Hannahbear feet)... I was high to just be alive for such a peaceful, joyful moment.

Rockin my Unschooling World

I'm moved to tears over this community... Amazing beings spanning the whole of humanity, hearing me, knowing me, supporting me, loving me -- and the biggest surprise of all: being inspired by me. Most days, really, I'm just a regular ole' diana, the girl with big dreams and big ideals, who believes (mistakenly) her life is an island (and not Cuba, either, there's no major land mass in sight). As extroverted as I may be, still it's a huge chore to get the boat ready and row across the span to make human contact. I've got Big Love and I wanna squeeze it into every crack of my family (dna not required) and spackle all the damage left from lives lived long before. It's that Love that makes me row even when my arms are burning so hot my heart will melt. It's the Gratitude I have for every sensation that rolls thru me, heart, mind and soul; Bodhicitta.
When I think of all these strong women, making their children's worlds a LOT better and thereby insuring the whole wide world will be a bit better, I am proud to count myself among them, for them to know that our world is better for them in it... the Wisdom is almost palatable, it is certainly visible and tangible; it's big pink, swirly, sparkly love. It's that always better second option that comes from nowhere. It's drumming, birkenstocks, TV (Family Guy!), organic food, belly dancing, Australia, movies (almost said good, but sometimes the bad ones remind me of them too ), singing, red hair, connections, cellphones, bread breaking, dreams, Japan, wine & whine, cheese & cheesy, evolution, bugs, G-d, Girl Scouts, guitars, COFFEE, guacamole, Bob Marley & The Clash, poetry, neighbors, man-skirts, babies, Mommy Milk, candles, womanhood, child hair smell, video games, dry ice, mashed potatoes, bare feet, China, vacuuming... it's in every molecule of my life, it is the heart of unschooling.
For when I can't find my own calm, knowing I can borrow someone else's ... There is not enough thanks in this universe. If you need mine, feel free.

Mimi & Me

My mother-in-law raised a son, an angry son at that. Whatever happened to cause it, doesn't much matter anymore, not only because his life is over, but because somewhere along the line he chose not to keep that anger on his top priority list. It was then I came into his life. Creating a *different* experience for his children was on that list. We knew, together, we would buck our systems of origin and create our own family experiences from within ourselves. We liked ourselves, we were grateful for who we were out of those life experiences. Revision of method is not rejection of love or gratitude. I have a son. I have an angry son of an angry son. Completely different upbringing than his dad and here we are. I've got more in common with Mimi than our shell seems to show; probably more than we want to acknowledge. I want my son to have room for his anger; to have the place of acceptance for whatever it is he needs to experience to get through his own life. I'll meet his anger with love. Being angry at or about his anger is merely fuel on the fire.

...to be continued.

Circus a'la diana

Welcome to a peek into my mind during the first 1/2 hour of the Shrine Circus...
Here are the cats... I'm all good with *most* of the cat show, it's the fire + cats I just can't tolerate, it's too far outside (complete opposite of) natural/instinctual behaviour for my comfort. Looky, they're so pretty and well fed. Can we then deduce happiness? You just can't beat up on circus cats, they'll just eat you (right? I mean they bite guys who are nice to them: Roy) Okay, I've seen my own domestic cat do most of those things, yeah, not on command, but it's a definitely a cat move. Anyone even brave enough to *think* they're in charge of cats [especially big'uns] gets my kudos for courage and delusion. Do the souls of cats agree to this kind of life? Is it better than having to chase down dinner? I doubt the male lion cares about that, it seems he's served either way, but what does he defend? Circus vs Zoo: Is life with purpose (a job) better than nothing, always nothing, in a bigger cage? (Almost always nothing: last year someone was stupid enough to get their hand into our local tiger's cage) Would I consider circus cat as a possible incarnation? Have I already?
Eee! here comes the fire equipment. I'm outta here! I wander the concessions until the big "AAAaaaahhhhh!" and I mosey on back up to the seats... the lion seems content, he's not gnawing on the guy, I guess it's okay.
Now on to the trapeze, ever notice how their pantyhose are always the wrong color for their skin tone...

dissident

You do not become a 'dissident' just because you decide one day to take up
this most unusual career. You are thrown into it by your personal sense of
responsibility, combined with a complex set of external circumstances. You
are cast out of the existing structures and placed in a position of conflict
with them. It begins as an attempt to do your work well, and ends with being
branded an enemy of society. [Václav Havel]

The Big Cusp

Change ain't a'comin, it's here, there's fire under my ass, spinning thru my head, and itchin my feet...
What's a girl to do?
And as I type that, the far-too-often-right voice in my head says: Meditate, ponder, open
Well, duh!
I should be keeping notes, the pros and cons.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I am listening... I hear: let go of the past to make room for the future... I think: the amount of past I'm hanging on to is overwhelming to confront... I know: to confront my fears is to make them powerless...
I am listening... I hear: let go of the past to make room for the future... I think: to let go means to forget... I know: I never will...
I am listening... I hear: let go of the past and make room for the future... I think: Emptiness is frightening and lonely... I know: there is only wholeness awaiting me...

I am listening... I hear: let go of the past and make room for the future... I think: I am capable of manefesting great things in my life... I know: I will...

Kids *my Rant & my Update*

Ick, I'm just feeling ick - about kids and how too many people are just shitty to kids. In small ways, in big but socially-accepted ways, their love for themselves diminishes right before our eyes. Ick.

Then there's the case of my sister's kids...
Mac & Ty have happily been living with their two brothers and new parents. It's not been without complications... The kids were uninsured (the Medicaid lapsed), Linda was not interested in returning to SD to file the necessary paperwork, and they couldn't be insured by D&S without custody papers. As the placement was voluntary (which was nice while it lasted...) the state was of no help to the family, neither in the insurance mess nor the furthering of custody processing. So, they need to become part of the dreaded "System" a necessary evil, they tell me.
~The kids turned over to DSS as abandoned, a police report filed and the kids placed in emergency foster care. [in this case they went to the battered women's shelter, as they felt the stay would be brief].
~Medicaid will immediately begin effect and retroactive for 90 days.
~The kids will be returned home as an interstate emergency foster care placement. Lots of extra paperwork, but BTDT with the boys, and there seems to be lots of help within the "System" itself. [turns out there was even *more* paperwork, as some schtuff had expired. So the kids ended up moving to an actual foster home, with their family able to visit regularly].
The kids went home a couple of weeks ago, it's officially an "extended visitation" as the red tape is untangled, but it's a visitation where the state knows a Placement should be. Linda's not gonna do anything the easy way, she'd manipulate this situation for years if we let her... It's nice the decision was taken out of her hands.

There's ick there, but it's not as bad an ick as the alternative ick, so does it even still count?

Con Mucho Gusto

As I walked into the grocery store today, a woman-who-was-just-leaving came up to me, telling me how she was compelled to speak to me after seeing me three times in the past two days. At McKennan Park yesterday, riding my bike today, then at Hy-Vee. Her name is Angela, next time we'll stop and talk.

meet me in canada

I owe you an apology... In the last 24 hours, I have discovered what Bodhicitta means between us. I demand, I do, I know, that I be met as who I am exactly where I am, with little [no] regard for your place on your journey. Know now that I am aware, we're not in the same place at the same time very often. When we are, well, that's how our hearts got tangled up in this mess in the first place. I will honor the emptiness caused by your absence and not fill it with resentment. I will also honor the part of me reserved for my great love [a part of me that indeed sings loudly in your presence] by not closing myself off to the possibilities yet in store for me. I have known great love and I have great love to share.
10 minutes is infinitely better than never.
I love you.

It's much better to be happy than right!!

That's my wisdom today.

I was plagued with bad dreams last night, of asking David to lunch and his "no" -- I practiced responses, my mind settled on, "is that a no, but I hope she's still patient -or- is it a no, I hope she gives up soon?" I didn't get to his response, I know I'm terrified he's just gonna run for it.
This morning I woke up and called him, fully prepared, and he didn't answer. So I sat myself down and enjoyed (ha!) being right and utterly miserable... Then Chas called, from Vermillion!!!! In an hour she would be in Sioux Falls, let's meet for sushi <VBG> As I delve into my happy dance, David calls! He's in the mood for Indian, but agrees to pick me up to meet Chas for sushi (not only did he show up, but a good sport, too!). I'm totally flailing around, doing the now incredibly happy dance!
Oh man! What a great day, good food, good company - and an incredible opportunity to be HAPPY.

I -heart- Jesus

I was getting a healing massage the other day... As I was crying and the woman said "Give it to Jesus" -- My mind immediately flashed to Family Guy, there's the cartoon Jesus just hanging out on his couch when the doorbell rings and he answers to the UPS guy, "a package from diana" ... "aaaawwww shit! Not another one!"