The Gifts of 2006

Tough to make an inclusive list of my gifts this year, so I'll do some highlights:
Hannah - the girl who made me a mommy and the girl who showed me the mommy possible within me; the girl I'll miss every single day the rest of my life.
Hayden - the boy who wanted nothing more than his mommy's full attention now has it and through him, my mothering evolution continues.
The Unschool Community - those who inspire me with their wisdom every day, with their shared stories and inspiration; the gifts of support, love and gratitude that continue to pour into our lives (ah, the computer, the quilt, the flowers, the words, the gifts, the music...)
My Friends who should be Family - the whole lot of you people who come one by one into my universe, showing me not only who I am but better still, whom I can be; for those who have come to me for the first time, those who have always been here and those who have returned: I'm so glad we're here together.
Live and Learn - what would I do without this commune? I don't wanna know, I don't even want to imagine... Kelly Lovejoy, your gift to our world is immeasurable.
Bemidji - the lake forest utopia (complete with amazing unschoolers) comforting, healing and accepting place for my entire family. Not to mention the place I got my latest tattoo :)
ABQ - What a great healing city, filled with my favoritest unschoolers ever, the aaaaaahhhhhh of a wood burning hottub, falling in love, and the desert residing prairie dogs.
Corvallis - Really, what could be better than Fair Trade, Organic coffee with Unschoolers for company? Okay it's coffee, unschoolers, challa and LOVE!
Rapid City - Once thought of as a terrifically conservative place filled with haunting Hannah memories is now a place of comfort and love, filled with new happy memories of me and the Boy.
My crazy family - nothing in the world makes me feel more normal than my functionally disfunctional family members. If they weren't who they are, I certainly wouldn't be who *I* am.
Kar Karma God - From Hermione Honda to the amazing Loaner Windstar to our New Year beginning with Howard Honda.
Art - the inspiration to express myself through the tiny (ha!) world of ATCs and to share said inspiration with others; my beading expertise and my luck and finding just the right design for the moment.
Music - From Amy Steinberg for inspiration, to Danny Schmidt for my theme song, to the peek into others' unschooling lives via Imagination Tribe soundtracks.
Media - From Elizabethtown to The Secret, my world is a'rockin!
....I know there's more, I know there are gifts I've yet to open who's seeds have been planted in 2006 and will bloom in 2007.
So dear reader, thank you for being here, for tolerating my diatribe and for contributing to making my world a much better place.

random thoughts from the forest

*I'm thinking, after finding a 5 year old journal of mine, that I may have some vested interest in my relationship conflicts with Hayden. yeah, yeah, yeah Tigers hate Monkeys which has been my unfortunate mantra with the boy, since conception. What I've come to realize (thanks Marty and Madelyn) that yeah, the chittering, bouncing monkey can be incredibly annoying to the introspective, pondering tiger... doesn't mean either have to be pissed off, doesn't mean there can't be an amicable relationship; just means there is no wrong in this combination, just means we gotta figure out how the monkey and the tiger can make this work. So the monkey inspires the tiger to be more free-spirited and the tiger inspires the monkey to slow down and think. hmmmm
*We're moving, we're awaiting our new home to appear, wherever that may be... we already give our thanks for the next perfect place for us to be.
*I am patient. I am the kind of friend who can await my loved ones emergence from cocoon time. On their own schedules.
*Snow in the forest is beautiful. Thank you Hayden for bringing me here to enjoy it (thanks for conjuring it!!)
*I am the alpha and the omega. Not only as a mommy, but as diana, in my entire existence and experience of this Life.

Holy Holydays!

aaahhhh! So glad the craziness of Xmas is over... and yet, any kind of ending makes me sad...

just about anything can make me sad at this point, though, so it's not to be taken terribly seriously, which is sad in itself...
I'm bleeding, so I'm prone to crying...
My kid died, so I'm prone to crying...
I carry XX, so I'm prone to crying...
I'm all the fuck alone, I'm SO prone to crying...
I need sleep, so I'm prone to crying...
...gonna go work on that one, it seems to be the only one on the list fixable

Nani's Cloud

Get your cloud here

So as to be less disruptive to others...

Gemini - 12/23/06 - You can talk about intense issues now in a way that others won't find threatening. Nevertheless, you might not know when to quit and could push your opinions too vehemently. It's fortunate that your charm is working so well now, for you just might need it to smooth over the feathers you could inadvertently ruffle. Calming your own anxiety first can help you be less disruptive to everyone else.

Merry Winter!

It's the first full day of Winter. Another new season. The Wheel keeps turning. At promptly 6:22 pm, I welcomed the returning Sun with a Chas'-new-house full o'people in Vermilion by lighting a candle in my Solstice Angel holder. We got her last year and I'm so glad to continue the ritual with her and my real-life angel. I brought tall glass vigil candles, which we decorated individually for our ritual. Food was great, company was amazing! Hayden made immediate friends with Owen, whom we will be returning to Vermilion to spend more time with!! We created circle with my favorite invocation ;), we went round the circle and welcomed others into our circle with us in Spirit. We took turns lighting our candles from the Source we lit at the moment of Winter's onset. We then spoke of where our Light will cast out shadows in the coming year.
There were countless 'round the kitchen counter and out on the deck and in the garage wisdom sharing and witty conversation. Enlightenment was the theme ::g::
This morning we had breakfast with Chas and Colette (we rode down with Colette's cousin, Karla), then coffee downtown so the boys could meet up for a little bit before the holiday craziness.
We had the ladies soup/gift exchange party tonight. It was much more fun than I imagined. We had Dee, Darla, Donna, Bunnie, Me, DeAnna, Linda, Kelly, Emma, Trisha, Suzy and Karna in it this year, and I've gotta admit the gift caliber was not as sucky as previous years may have been ;) My parents will celebrate their 39th anniversary tomorrow (not so bad for a one night stand!) at the family's Christmas gathering; then more Kraziness at Karna's -- Will be a fun-filled somethin or other!! :)

continuing my courage...

Strength

May courage be your ally.

Deck: Cagliostro

More about this card

My Daily Tarot Reading

card art © US Games

What has traditionally been known as the Strength card represents Nature which, however wild in its primal form, is tamed by our subtler, finer (feminine, interior) self. The will and passion of our instinctive nature does not need to be broken, but refined and brought to consciousness -- so that all levels of Creation, inner and outer, may come into harmony.

The feminine soul-force contains a persuasive power that can nurture and induce cooperation from others, stilling disruptive energies by harmonizing differences in the spirit of collective good will.

Mimi and me

My mother in law called last night. I think it's the first time we've spoken since Hayden's birthday. Strange how it's always great to talk to her, to reconnect; and yet, when we don't speak, this bizarre fear settles into that empty space, allowing longer and longer times without communication. We had a long talk about what's been going on in her life and her family (happy to report some family members have regained their senses and communication is at least occurring). We commiserated about Xmas and how hard it is to get the Spirit (the gumption ::g::) this year. I told her of our Oregon vacation and Mitch's Death Day celebration... the little things I've managed to accomplish for the holidays this year...
Gramma Baby's sick. Like this is it kinda sick. The steady downhill run towards Heaven. Towards the great big party awaiting their Guest of Honor.
Her Parkinson's is getting worse. She's using a walker to get around. Bob and Armida are still joyfilled at the honor of caring for her. They have help come in a few hours a day, with *visitors* who come when they need to be away in the evening. She's still Gran. She's still full of Love; though the Life may be draining.
She'll be 89 in February... one of the most evolved humans I've ever met. Her heart is open and free and big enough to crawl inside and feel safe. For a woman who started her wife/mother career at the same age I began my periods, she is seriously unjaded, no cynicism lives in her. She's a puff-ball capped cave of Wisdom. (her hair is as soft as it looks, like a Q-tip, none of that wiry grey stuff, it's a white cloud hovering around her crown chakra ::g::) I like to say she's still collecting her marbles, hasn't lost a one and still knows where they're all located!

Of all the people in Mitch's family, I love her the most. I think we all do. She's the shit. She's the context that makes this whole jumbled up congregation of relatives make sense. She loves us all. It's easy to love with her around.
I want to see her again. I want to have coffee and toast and cry and remember and laugh. I want her to tell me that it's all part of the plan and it will all work out. I want tortillas and carnitas. I want some chile. I wanna carry some of her Light in my heart, always.
We're going out the beginning of April, before the conference. Mimi's planning to retire near then, so she'll possibly be home full-time. 'twill be good for our hearts to drive the beautiful coast North to Oregon.

Sexy Santa

Check out this

The Secret - (a) for action

Yes, this movie will change your life... if you let it!
It's seeping in and yesterday I saw The Secret in action, right in my very own life.
I had an appointment with Santa yesterday afternoon and I needed to coordinate some company for Hayden. He was insistent in how he wanted things to go and it was in direct conflict with how Eli wanted things to go. I got all aarrgghh and tense and grumbly. As I was talking myself down, I bumped the curb right on that one spot where it pokes out a bit and punctured the sidewall. Yeah. I breathed deep and let it end there. Hayden and Eli worked it out, I got a ride to and from the Santa thing.
My mom picked me up and we went shopping. She offered to go in with me on a gift for Hayden, we decided on an MP3 player. As we're driving and deciding where to go... {side rant warning: she had already scoped out Wal-Mart and, well, I just couldn't do it, I couldn't use Wal-Mart.com for music subscription, even for three months (call me Frank Zappa)} I notice no one is turning left, so I say, Let's go the opposite direction of everyone else and go to Best Buy. It was crazy there, but still within diana toleration levels :) Mom asked me what I want for xmas and I told her I'd like her to buy the MP3 player as my gift and let me keep my cash for the rest of the month, and she agreed (for those who know DeLila, this is big breakthrough!!) and we got the boy a pretty cool one, with a 2 mo. subscription. We picked up a microwave for Gramma Bunnie; we found one with a built in toaster... it was too corny/effective to pass up. Mom grumbled a minute about going over the $120; I pointed out it was certainly $5 cool and what a great thing to do, lalalalalala; she breathed and found some joy in it. Enough joy that some spilled over to the check out line, where I picked up the $10 Muppets/John Denver Christmas CD and she bought it for me. We're having a great time, in line and whadayaknow she gets some crazy bonus of a $15 Best Buy gift card for herself!!! See!! Exactly the amount of her spontaneous generosity!
And just to round it off, Uncle Troy works at a tire place, with a mad supply of free tires. Since the tire popped in front of his house, it was no biggie to put the van in the garage and take the rim to work today and put another tire on it.
the secret is: Life is Good!

today's hmmmm

Diana's Horoscope:

It is too easy to focus solely on external circumstances, for there are important interactions taking place. If, however, you stay only in the outer realms, you may find yourself in an endless conversation that leads nowhere fast. If, on the other hand, you have the courage to look within yourself, you may be able to discover an important truth that can shed clarity on your current relationship issues.

Just take the hint, lady!

Processing, processing, processing... wanting all of this to come out in language appropriate and in line with my universal request *&* getting my kvetching out ;)
Loneliness is banished as is the darkness, with the sun's return.
*****
(read: I'm really fucking lonely and it really fucking sucks!)
I went three fucking years without sex. THREE YEARS!! Over the past four years, I've dated the coolest guys; intensely dynamic, amazing humans. Fun, story-inspiring, charming, entertaining men. In my life far too temporarily, even for my fickle Gemini self.
One had this great story about how is ex-girlfriend/business partner wouldn't appreciate our relationship. Another thinks I'm a heathen and he can't get past the Jesus factor and just have me and love every crazy minute of it. One's a drunk. One's too busy. I met one family with 2 kids; I met another with one. They're all scared. One was the best Valentine's Date ever. Vacation was fun with two of them. I got to have sex with a couple of 'em, though I've been naked with three. I had a lot of sex with one of them. Two got to meet Hannah. One got to know her. Three have taken care of her ashes. Movies were first dates with two. Only two I'm sad to see go. Two I'd be glad to see. All I'd be nice to when encountered in public.
I totally understand why (these) men would conjure me out of the universe ::g:: but when I appear, it's like some sick and twisted Weird Science thing where they don't know what to do with this creature they've conjured (and I'll admit it's been equally entertaining in some twisted way -- ah shit it's all because I watched this movie too often?? eek!!).
On some level, as diana, I get that --I rarely know what the hell I'm gonna do with me, either ::g:: -- but roll-the fuck-withit!! I'm somehow bumbling thru understanding it all. Honestly, they've all only got *me* in common so it's in *me* somewhere.
I wanna have a hissy and quit -- and I know that's not the message I want to send.
I'm really not done. I want to believe. I want to have faith.
I want to place my fucking order and get it filled, like really filled and not this half-way heart bullshit I seem to find every fucking where I am! WTF??
That was cathartic. It's nice to have that OUT and not in anymore.
Mission Accomplished. I'm going to bed now.
Rapid City was amazing and I shall blog forthwith- after sleep, that is :)

I'll be working on clarifying my order...

Last Night's Memorial Service

I went to dinner before the service with Hayden, Eli and Aunt Donna at Cracker Barrell; I fortified myself with mashed potatoes and razzles! (first they're candy...)
I hesitate to review the service... let's see if I get on a roll...
I got a really cool, big brass bell to ring on Solstice. We got a smaller on at the service when Mitch died, the kids rang it anytime they wanted his full and present Spiritul attention.
It was somehow comforting to be in a room filled with sad people, knowing I'm/we're not alone.
Hayden remembered the space from Hannah's Fat Tuesday Feast; I didn't see him but for a quick minute in the middle of the service (He walked down when her name was called, to collect our family's bell) then he was gone again. I had a bit of snacky-goodness and looked at all the other sad folk. Not one of us is sure how to be, not even with each other, the collected sad mass. There wasn't any laughter, no cheering up, no joy of the sugar rush, no shared tales... sadness and goodies. We didn't stay long. The peanut brittle was good, though.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

I think this is why I'm called into the topic of Death. There are 347 ways last night could have been better and I have the energy to talk about at least one or 12. Actually, instead, I would throw out the entire template for last night and do something comforting and uplifting. Ah, okay, maybe it is comforting to have the traditional church service platform... I'll figure that in...
First, just because it's Christmastime in the Christian Tradition, it's unfair to assume that all who mourn at this time of year are Christian. This time of year is powerful on many levels and to many faiths, many paths, much wisdom, and many stories of inspiration. The Jewish tale of the Macabees and the 8 days of oil -- what faith!! What great role models for the mourning... it's okay to mention them in a xian church, He heard the story every year of his Jewish life at Hannukah. Even a story of Light Renewal, solstice and survival of the Longest Night and the Return of the Sun to the world. whew....
Okay, so open with the story of Lazarus, at least. Give us SAD Jesus, for his own sake and ours!! Let us share tears with the Messiah, he lost his brother-in-law, he knows heartbreak. I'll even sit through comparisons of resurrections and heaven, just to share some godbless-ed grief! [I gotta say, the opening words of empathy for the mustering of joy at this most joyous time of year, then having the first hymn be "Joy to the World"?? I question your forethought!]
My first song would be, "Mary did you know?" (cause I think Jesus is a great role model for accepting what happens in life and I think this is an anthem each new mother should ponder for her very own child and each grownup should think about their own lives and the purpose thereof and remember we all started out as babies who's mommies had no clue of our future and cause Mary was a really sad mommy when her kid died, too... Imagine her first xmas without her baby) Throw in a few more sad people from the bible if need be. Even talk about those women who took care of his body upon his death.
But then talk about his/our freedom from death. That the ultimate enlightenment awaits us (no, not if we believe, because we ARE) on the other side of the veil. Sing then Lord of the Dance
Dance, then, wherever you may be;
I am the Lord of the Dance, said he.
And I’ll lead you all wherever you may be,
And I’ll lead you all in the dance, said he.
I like the whole Life as a Dance metaphor; I also like the idea of Jesus as some kind of afterworld tourguide, leadin' ya round... the song is very "Namaste" in it's final verse, my favorite:
They cut me down and I leapt up high,
I am the life that’ll never, never die;
I’ll live in you if you’ll live in me;
I am the Lord of the Dance, said he.
Your job ain't done just cause you're dead :::bg:::
Be the Lord of Your Dance.
Alright, crying too much over that song, I guess that's where I'd have to end the service.
>ETA: I really would have to end with Spirit of Life, something life affirming and uplifting.
Spirit of life come unto me. Sing in my heart all the stirrings of compassion. Blow in the wind; rise in the sea. Move in the hand giving life the shape of justice. Roots hold me close; Wings set me free. Spirit of Life, come to me, come to me<
What about "Turn, turn, turn" Seems appropriate and church worthy!
I would have a big display in the snacky room where photographs could be displayed and candles lit.
The peanut brittle was good though. I'd keep the peanut brittle lady.

ho, ho, HO!

Get Your Own! | More Flash Toys

Get Your Own! | More Flash Toys

AP Television

As I came out of the post office today, a camera man asked if I would speak to the Tim Johnson situation. Thank the stars I have the news on my Google home page!! I had just read about Tim's mystery illness, though nothing today... eek! So I agreed and I spoke to how hard this must be at this time of year for his family and I hope they are able to have the support they need for their new situation. He asked me about Mike Rounds replacing Tim, should he be incapable of returning to work. I told him I'd sure like to see Tom Daschle back in Washington again! hee hee hee

what are you saying?

Gemini: You can usually deal with unexpected changes in your schedule, yet today might test your willingness to roll with the punches. Perhaps you are pulled off course by friends who have fewer responsibilities than you at this time. Playful activities with children might sound like more fun than what you need to do. Whatever distracts you now, make sure that you don't lose the healthy balance in your life.

Let us live gladly! Quite certainly we are free to do it. Perhaps it is our only freedom, but ours it is, and it is only phenomenally a freedom. 'Living free' is being 'as one is'. Can we not do it now? Indeed can we not-do-it? It is not even a 'doing': it is beyond doing and not-doing. It is being as-we-are. This is the only 'practice'. 'All Else is Bondage; Non-Volitional Living' - Wei Wu Wei

Courageous Thursday

courageous

adjective possessing or displaying courage; able to face and deal with danger or fear without flinching; "Familiarity with danger makes a brave man braver but less daring"- Herman Melville; "a frank courageous heart...triumphed over pain"- William Wordsworth; "set a courageous example by leading them safely into and out of enemy-held territory" [syn: brave] [ant: cowardly]

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Well-fortified with a Karen Coffee (big ol' Carmel Breve today! catch a glimpse in the picture!) from Black Sheep & some dark chocolate covered coffee beans (I'm sprung!!), I decided to head over to Hannah's Bench to finally take some pictures. (more pix & a video on the bodhicitta blog)

IN LOVING MEMORY OF

HANNAH LEA JENNER

All Souls Church

Unitarian Universalist

I once had Hannah's bracelet wrapped around the urn's neck... it broke (I've saved the beads for future art work ::g::) and I replaced it with this beautiful goddess hemp wrap. The hemp and most of the blue beads were from a kit I bought for Hannah last summer at the Sidewalk Arts Festival (she has my green beaded one on in our family pictures from last November), which we never got around to doing together. While we were in Corvallis, Hayden found Goddess Nirvana at the downtown bead store!! We bought lots and lots of little goddesses... and couldn't part with many! I've got the most of our stash wrapped around my baby girl. Ultimate sisterhood, I was surrounded by the most amazing female energy while I made it and blessed it and wrapped it; I am reminded each time I see it. Thank you to the women who were with me in body: Mary, Qacei, Donna, Madelyn, Mercedes, Joni & the multitude of other Corvallis Sprites I encountered and to the whole of you who are with me always in Spirit. Today's a good day. I'm ready for some bell ringin, some carol singin, some big ol snot rollin tear sheddin and some Big Christmas Hope Buildin!! I'm still diana. Danggummit, I am. I'm gonna laugh today, I'm glad to be alive. I can feel the good stuff!

Self Portrait Tuesday - RED 2

I'm wearing a red bra.
It's a sexy one.

Breathed my way thru Tuesday

Tuesday, December 12, 2006 Every little thing is blown out of proportion today, yet it's not just because you are lost in your fearful fantasies. Others, too, are part of the problem, for they may be making a project more complicated than is needed. Beneath this mental inflation is the reality that you are dealing with large issues. Remember to breathe deeply and think before you act. A cool approach can help you calm down enough to put everything back into a more workable perspective.

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I'm gonna go do some artwork while the boy sleeps and the muse calls...

I don't have an accent... it's the lack thereof you're not hearing...

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Inland North You may think you speak "Standard English straight out of the dictionary" but when you step away from the Great Lakes you get asked annoying questions like "Are you from Wisconsin?" or "Are you from Chicago?" Chances are you call carbonated drinks "pop."
The Midland
The Northeast
Philadelphia
The South
The West
Boston
North Central
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Gettin the Gumption

completely lost yesterday. don't know what happened, I slept away most of it. totally avoided the candle light service last night. absolutely not ready to go public.

Happy Solstice to Hayden, we picked up Guitar Hero II this morning... I'm feeling guilty because the disc for GHI is missing... and I got no gumption. So we each paid half and he gets his solstice gift 11 days early :) He just played Surrender by Cheap Trick. We used to sing it to the kids all the time. Long forgotten Family Anthem. Just know that this is what you got, Life is easier if you just surrender.
This is the December I got. I gotta surrender. I gotta surrender the Decembers I've already had. I've got to surrender the Decembers I won't ever have. I've gotta surrender to *this* December. To this only one time ever in this lifetime, this December right here. The one chance I've got at Now. Mama's alright; she just seems a little weird.
I surrender my sadness to the here and now.
I surrender my gift for joymaking and commit to sharing it with the world today.
I'm gettin' the gumption.
I'm dressed and out of bed. Not shrieking.
Three signs it's could be a good day.
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Dave Koz has a great holiday album, "December Makes Me Feel This Way" with a very peaceful picture of Dave smiling in the snow. He wrote it after his dad died. It's that melancholy joy that doesn't quite make sense, even in the midst of it. I'm gonna hang out with Dave and his saxophone today...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Horoscope for Gemini: Life can get complicated as you are left unsatisfied by the same light and easy interactions that are usually quite fulfilling. Although serious emotions can make you feel uneasy, you are being asked to swim into deeper waters now. You have much to learn about intimacy, though you may try to avoid the intensity at all costs. You can get ahead of the wave by diving in before you are pushed.
>hmmm, I am feeling this; it's not serious emotions making me feel uneasy, it's emotions, it's any emotional swimming of any kind. Yeah intimacy and intensity, fuck you, I'm just fine right here firmly on the sand, watching. Yeah, like that. So. Yeah. Huh? Right. I can, too. Right here. Stayin. Sure. For now. Not long, though. Okay, fine! I'll feel, but it will suck. Not mostly suck, some suck, but suck just the same. Just so ya know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything. - Kurt Vonnegut
>well, I've got that going for me, I'm a freakin' laugh a minute over here! Somebody come laugh at me!

Winter Solstice

I love, love, love Winter Solstice... we've had a yule log and good company, as our tradition continues to grow and take shape; each year a celebration of it's own. One year we took part in a Palm Family tradition of the Advent Spiral. Hands down my favorite of all renewal ceremonies.

Melanie laid a spiral out on her basement floor with duct tape and garland. In the center stood "The Source," a lit candle to represent your personal source of "Light Renewal." The circle was opened with prayer. Each participant has their own unlit candle to meditate with as we stand in circle; each person walking the spiral, towards the Light, in silence. Once the Light has been Renewed from the Center, the group begins to share the ways the Light does Shine from this individual. Lit candles are left along the way, to illuminate the Way of others to come. When the ceremony is completed by everyone present, our Collective Light is a powerful reminder of Life Possible. I'm so excited to take part in the Spiral again this year and I'm excited to bring home the inspiration to an East River Solstice celebration, too.
It will be a dark sky, come Solstice... perfect night for a fire and some dancing and bell ringing and sharing of the gifts with the neighborhood critters.

My Courageous Self Portrait

Red

It's the Real thing... all hail the sacred red!

A.C.T.

This advice deserves it's own post... powerful! To serve as a great expression of what *IS* and an amazing testament to the inherent wisdom within Christine...

>>I have a huge fear of holiday family gatherings... the business-as-usual act is gonna grate on me, but turning Hannah into a side-show will, too... where is the balance? Where can we miss her and be so sad she's not here and still have a joyful holiday with our Lights renewed through one another? <<

Acknowledge that you miss her, outloud,
Commit to the feeling, cry, speak, walk away, whatever,
Transition the feeling, for the JOY that actually exists, AS
Hannah, through Hannah, for all of you this Christmas.

This was my instinct, cuz, geez, if you can't fall apart and be miserable around your family, then recover, eat some hot plate...and go home, then it's just not Christmas!!

I admire you very much, your ability to balance your grief with the joy that is Diana, it is an amazing act of Geminitis, perhaps even inventing a new emotion known has Dianaitis: simultaneously being gut wrenching sad and giggling like a fool, with tears streaming down your grinning face.

hang in there (lame phrase)

Love You (cool phrase)

Christine

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

If *this* is what's hiding beneath anyone's fear, a deep intense beautiful Wisdom, then I say we all need to take Amy's advice and "fuck away the fear and maybe, just maybe, the distain will disappear!" That icky self-distain that prevents us from being wholly who we are. I feel it creeping in, an unwelcome addition to my list... ah, but it is the list that attracts it...
Life is Good and I will continue to be supported in this view by the world around me.
I am lucky and I am blessed.
Thanks.

I already knew this...

Tuesday, December 5, 2006 Your moods are a bit uncontrollable today and this can inspire you to react without thinking. More often, you are the one who cleverly motivates others, but the tables are turned for the next few weeks as your associates push you into action. You won't be able to get away without cooperating, so use this phase to act in a forward-thinking manner instead of waiting until it's too late.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
So instead of wallowing today, I did this:

I did the artwork last week, but today I assembled over 20 of them and I did some different ones, too... Watercolor was really fun, like way more fun than I ever remember. Very cathartic, this project.
-=-=-=-=-=
Tonight I celebrate the Gemini Full Moon with my Sisters... all will Be Well.

Courage

So it is... what a great topic for me to address this month. I will require the most courage I think I've ever mustered in my entire life.

Putting the tree up was a leap of faith, faith that something will feel good about this holiday; that I can capture the Spirit and allow the newness to Be.
Wallowing was high on my list of priorities today. It didn't work. Traditionally, it doesn't work. When I talk about it, people are so amazed, the whole "pity party" theme is gone as I work to convince them that indeed I am miserable. 'cept it is true that I am rarely wholly miserable. Even in the darkest times, I am aware of the Light of Life that surrounds me and how amazing this existence is. Still doesn't mean that it's all roses and sunshine... it's like that danged balance my horoscope talks about... when am I sad? to whom do I speak? where is it safe? who will tell me that indeed it's fucked up and I shouldn't have to do this and I don't have to do what I don't wanna?
I have a huge fear of holiday family gatherings... the business-as-usual act is gonna grate on me, but turning Hannah into a side-show will, too... where is the balance? Where can we miss her and be so sad she's not here and still have a joyful holiday with our Lights renewed through one another? There are so many other joys to share, new futures to begin...

I dunno. I'm bleeding and I'm crying and I'm lonely and I'm just gonna freak out for a little while. Then I'll be okay. That's what I do.

Meanwhile, the Tree is beautiful!

But what if I don't wanna??

General Daily Overview

The Full Moon in dualistic Gemini at 7:25 pm EST reflects our need to connect everyday experiences with a wider vision of life. We are inquisitive and want to interact more with others, especially as the Moon picks up on a tense square with eccentric Uranus. Meanwhile, Gemini's key planet Mercury squares stern Saturn, restricting what is said. Still, we must activate our minds by engaging in dialogue to learn about our role in the world.

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20) You can change your mind so quickly today that it's difficult knowing which self is the true you. This Full Moon in your sign requires you to balance your feelings with the expectations of others. The bottom line is that if you want to howl at the Moon, go ahead and do it. It's better to express things as you feel them, rather than letting the emotions bottle up inside you.

6 years a widow...

The Last Night

...of my 6th year in the Life formerly known as the New One;
this chapter must be the New New Life.

For somethin' I was never gonna do I'm not sure how to measure my aptitude... I'm certainly doing and I'm chugging along being and that is what it is... My Life.
I like to mark Mitch's Death Day. Notsomuch for Mitch anymore... it's my day, it's the day a brand new diana was born. The diana never imagined. The diana stretched. The diana whole. The diana with courage. The diana with faith. The diana who remembers. The diana who knows.
I am surrounded by faith. The souls entrusted to my heart and care have faith in me. I am in awe of my own power. I am strong. I am brave. I am whole. Right Here, Right Now... and when Over There, Whenever becomes Right Here, Right Now, that will be perfect, too. And I am equipped. I have skills. I have Wisdom. I am open to knowledge. I heal and I tend. I breathe and am calm. I laugh and spread Joy. My Light will shine and my path shall be illuminated by the warm hearts of my friends. My Love will stretch and grow. My Patience runneth over. Abundant is my Life; my Life is Abundant.
Once again, my prayer tomorrow:

For all that has come to pass, I say Thanks.
For all that has yet to come, I say YES!

It's all Julie's fault...

Self Portrait Challenge
Yep, I'm just gonna do it...

I didn't have the courage to do last month's glam shot (that, and my skin was not so glamourous last month...), but in light of the 37 days thingie, I'm gonna begin December with 37 days of Courage (I mean Courage where even *I* struggle with it... like facing myself...)
This month's challenge is RED and I've got til Tuesday to perfect my Self Portrait techniques and come up with some ideerers...
So Thanks Julie!

Is is just me...

or did I just blog about this?
***You intuitively know the truth today, but communicating it verbally is another story. Just because you are well-informed doesn't mean that you can easily tell others. You may not realize it, but it's your maturity that is being tested. Don't fall prey to your own guilt, for a confession won't solve anything. Reconcile with your past before talking about the present. ***
What a surprise, I have to be the guilt-free grown-up!!
even the heavens have to tell me...

Queen of Life

...that's what Donna called me. She gave me a beautiful Tree of Life pin to commemorate my knighting :)
This talk of honoring transitions, the memories, the gifts, the amazing instinct to Love...
Qacei asked if people were gonna die cause I was around... we laughed and I said no, but if it happens to happen, I'll throw ya one hell of a death. I meant it. Strange. I don't really like death, don't necessarily wanna ever witness it again. I know, too, that if/when I do, I will be exactly where I need to be. What more is there?
40 weeks today... that's a really big number, 280 days... this New Life of ours...
The 37 day challenge is so puny in comparison, what is a mere 37 days anyway? Gonna look at that with new perspective. Am I ready to take me on? hm.

What a great day!!

Thursday, November 30th, 2006 PST

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20)
It's a great day to pursue a moneymaking idea, as long as you aren't trying to take on the project by yourself. Relationships are sweetened now, so it might make sense to lean on others for support and encouragement. Chances are you won't have to push very hard before your friends give you even more than you need.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What a great day for me and my friends!!

I got two penguin e-mails today... very, very different results at the end of the click:

From Kelli: http://www.usatoday.com/news/opinion/editorials/2006-11-28-medved-edit_x.htm

From Ren: http://37days.typepad.com/37days/2006/11/forever_hold_yo.html

Then I got to see Christine's homework... the perfect follow-up to Ren's link :)

Treatment Prayer
Purpose: To bless and accept Hannah’s (age 9.5) Transition

Recognition: I know that there is One, that is an endless, timeless Source of Love. I know that this Loving Source is intimately personal and yet vast in Its Being, channeling this Love through all of time and space, never ceasing, always loving, always knowing, in all ways, always.

Unification: I know that this Loving Oneness connects us all to Itself, uniting us in Spirit with all those living and those who have transitioned. I know I can never be separate from this Spirit of Love, that Lights the darkness, showing me Its Endless Love that now exists as Hannah, in every part of my world, right now and forever.

Realization: I am perfectly and eternally United with Hannah, Connected by Oneness and Love that is undying, unyielding to time, right now. I am at peace knowing that Spirit guides her onto new dimensions of Love that I access, through knowing her and loving her, now and forever. I know that I am granted joy in my awareness of this, now.

Thanksgiving: I am so thankful to be a part of Hannah, and her Life and her Family's Life. I am grateful that her transition has brought me this dynamic awareness of my connection to her through Spirit.

Release: I release my word in the Law of Mind, knowing that this is already reality.

Blessed Be.

Blessed Be, indeed! I Love My Life!! (even if it's one of those crying/sobbing from my soul kinda days... LIFE ROCKS!!)

Free Emergency Contraception

Quick! Pick up your free EC at your local Planned Parenthood: Wednesday, December 6, 2006
Sioux Falls
6511 W. 41st St.
10 am to 6 pm
(605)361-5100
Rapid City
619 Mountain View Rd
3 pm to 7 pm
(605)341-2545

Even if this is something you know you'll never need, you just never know who may wander into your life who needs you to have this in your medicine cabinet...

It's the Real Thing

...when commercials give you chills.
I loved this commercial as a little kid; Mrs. Surts had us sing this song in 3rd grade:

I'd like to build the world a home; And furnish it with love
Grow apple trees and honey bees; And snow-white turtle doves
Chorus:
I'd like to teach the world to sing; In perfect harmony
I'd like to hold it in my arms; And keep it company
(That's the song I hear)
I'd like to see the world for once
(Let the world sing today)
All standing hand in hand
And hear them echo through the hills; For peace throughout the land
That's the song I hear
(That's the song I hear)
Let the world sing today
(Let the whole wide world keep singing)
A song of peace that echoes on; And never goes away

(Repeat 1st stanza and Chorus)

Put your hand in my hand; Let's begin today
Put your hand in my hand; Help me find a way

what great memories... Even Coca-Cola understood the call to peace... we've since been distracted... may this be a great reminder to us all...

My Dream Tatoo...

I'm getting an arm band. A tall, all the way 'round armband. I'm thinking 4-5 inches tall and about 12 inches around (eek! is that accurate? I'll have to get really buff if it's not!) I've oft described it as "grafitti art" and I think my idea is more from doodle art (it's Christine, she'd send me pages and pages of her little doodles and I've always held them up as my kind of art ::bg::) A bunch of little icons that are individually and collectively diana! :)
The centerpiece is gonna be a paperdoll set, the connected at the arms kind, with a bigger purple girl one (me!) with blue girl and red boy on either side, with HaHaMommy written across the bottom of my skirt. I want LOVE written like a 14 year old girl: all connected and bubbled, with a heart for the middle of the "O," a peace sign, the )0( moon goddess symbol, the goddess shown below, Hayden's monster (gotta love this one!), lotus flowers, swirlies, a lil monkey, and, and, and... ideas?

Monday's Mumblings...

I washed my bedding yesterday, then I spent some time in my very warm, smellin' fresh little nest... as I folded laundry on my newly clean bed, I found some time for new admiration for my unschoolin' quilt; okay it was Lily's butt that did it for me ::g:: but just thinking about the love that went into those squares and how much love and warmth I'm embraced in every time I lay down... It's just incredible. The Polar Bears have all become Spirit Bears in my mind and I am so comforted by the thought of my own Spirit Bear.
Our favorite Xmas decorations are up around town... the trees on 33rd and Philips, just a bunch of colored lights, but they're lit every year without fail and such a simple icon for me... They're awful lonely this year, Hayden ooohhs and aaaahhhs with me but it's not the same without the other voice... I know she lives in those moments, those moments that bring Hannah to my mind, through my heart... I really didn't know it could be like this, feeling such big joy at the memory and such big emptiness at the emptiness...
I watched The Secret at Karen's house, the first part of it anyway... Hayden and I will be downloading it later this week... A great reminder of what I've always known, always held as True, a reminder of my own Power of Attraction and how skilled I already am... Now to use my powers for good :::bwahhahahaha::: I think this is the exact message Hayden needs, too... he's already there philosophically, it's in the practice he has issues... Ah! to be 30 years ahead of me, evolutionarily speaking... again I'm excited to bear Witness.
I gathered with my Sisters on Saturday... it was beautiful and perfect... my Mehndi is beautiful: a lotus on my open palm. I'm pickin up the guitar and writing my own ding-dang diana song! I also gotta kick ass on the tatoo development...
Brittany hung out with us Saturday Nite/Sunday. Hayden was so happy to be extra social (Alex, Elizabeth & Megan, too); I was notsomuch, but it worked out well. I even scraped myself together for Pirates of the Carribean 2.
In the spirit of Tolkien, when a guy named Rohan asks me out, I just gotta say yes!

Wooo hooo! The ride home!

I think leaving Corvallis was one of the hardest things I've done lately... it didn't help that my leaving was questioned by everyone we told! I tell you, it's an amazing, amazing (need a word that means even more amazing than amazing) place.
After some lunch (guess where!) and some great company, we hit the road at just after 2pm pst, Tuesday. Hayden had not yet gone to sleep but his mood was refreshingly upbeat! He was asleep before we hit the Solyent Green factory (actually Georgia Pacific Paper plant, but it looks creepily like SG!) on the way to Portland. I didn't take the shortcut Jon mentioned- silly me!- so we were stuck in traffic for a while and I got to practice my breathing and take a long last look around...

Our route was funny, I didn't want to do any treacherous mountain paths like the trip out, so I had to drive all the way to Spokane, WA to hook up with I-90, which will take us all the way home to Sioux Falls. I'd never been to that part of the world, so I appreciated the view and the vibe and I sprinkled Hannah all over the place. There was a Mitchell Point and Wild Mountains :) I took my first little nap (~3 hours) in a beautiful, wooded reststop just outside of Coeur d'Alene, ID. Hayden woke me up and we hit the road again. We sprinkled Hannah in the Panhandle National Forest (who knew?). At about 5am, just across the border into Montana, we stopped for breakfast and were treated to great entertainment by the one man show in a little cafe. He warned us we were between storms and should get back on the road in a hurry, so we did. On the mountains just past him, we ran into our first signs of winter weather! There was only a few miles of icy mountain roads, a bit scary but breathing and gently braking got us through without a hitch. By the time we were in Butte, the snow was far behind us and forgotten! I called my dad then, to see how much farther we had to go and he told me about a shortcut... I was skeptical, I didn't want us to get stuck anywhere, but then we lost service. Somewhere in here was the Crazy Mountain Range -- ooooh, yeah, we spread some Hannah love there, too! When we got to Bozeman, I was in serious need of another nap! Hayden rode his scooter 'round the rest area while I napped in the car for a couple of hours. It was 60+ degrees and sunny, perfect for us both. When I woke up, we went to Target, on our eternal quest for a claw machine (or a "scam machine" as Hayden says!) -- nope! But we had a great visit anyway... When it was time to eat, I found Taco John's; Hayden had been missing his TJs the whole time we were gone, so I was back to being Mom of the Year! Dad got ahold of me again and told me exactly how to do his shortcut (212 E veers off of I-90 near Billings, MT and rejoins it S. of Belle Fourche, SD, cutting 150 miles from the trip!!); it was clear and beautiful. AND it took us just past Little Bighorn - again. This time, Hayden was awake and we decided to check out the park. Lucky for us, we had 5 minutes before they closed!! AND admission is free after 3:30 pm! It's a powerful place, that park... I could feel it the first time I drove by and I was smacked with it when we entered... The first view is the military cemetery... the thousands of soldiers who (yet another example) died for an unjust cause, in the name of American Stupidity and Greed. I wandered around the visitor center, to see the gravesites on the hill, the graves of those First Peoples who died for their right to exist... I was stopped by the ranger who wanted to go home (it was already past their 4:30 closing time and he wanted us to leave so he could close up)... I know I was not meant to go there, I just looked and I cried. Hayden took a picture for me, knowing how sad I was to miss going up there. I had some Hannah in my hand and I wanted to put her up there and not down there with the soldiers, but I guess that was where she was needed! I left her there with a prayer of forgiveness to those folks who acted out of ignorance and a misplaced sense of patriotism. I don't know if we'll ever go there again, it really hurt my heart, but I think we just might... just to pay homage to all of the Souls who met their human demise there.


















We followed Ed's shortcut and fondly remembered our combined family trip to Idaho a few years ago, to see Gramma Lambert. Hannah had been here with us; it was comforting and inspiring. We rolled into Belle Fourche (bell foooosh) before 7pm pst and arrived at Karen and Johns in Rapid City near 7:45!!
They're taking off tomorrow morning for a many-month stint in SoCal, following John's construction job... Hayden was once torn between family today or friends today... I gave him great space and enough time; he decided we'll leave here tomorrow, when they do. He really needed some Saylor time. Soaking up some Karen/John/Stone/Sage love doesn't suck for me, either :)

Sometimes...

the answer from the gods is YES!
Like right now!
I just got an offer of $150!!
Just like that.
I've got just over $100 right now, between donations and working
We'll get home comfortably with some Happy Meals, even!
and I'll have $50 waiting at home for my last week before payday!! Yahoo!
Thank ye
Thank ye
Thank ye

Abundant patience...

that's what I got!
-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-
Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20)
It's not too late to make a simple change in your daily routine, even if it's one you should have made yesterday. A subtle change at this time of your life can set a series of profound consequences into motion. The potential is greater than you realize, so make your actions count as much as possible.

I'm Cartman, hee hee

Which South Park kid are you most like? Cartman You are just plain evil and heartless. Though you're sly, and you come up with brilliant schemes, you're pretty dumb and close minded. Other people hate you... screw them!

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Beverly Hills Apple Bake

Fighting germs and assorted other ickiness...

7 degrees of DiFonzo

I love it here in Corvallis! It's the most amazing, hip, liberal, green (in all definitions), college town. OSU would like us all to *paint the town orange* for the Ducks...
15 years ago, Mike DiFonzo was Duck, a big Fucka Duck. I didn't much care but it was a big deal to his brother, Mark. I wouldn't much care about that, either, 'cept at the time, Mark happened to hold a position of high esteem in my life, as my bestest friend's husband and sire to the two most amazing human children I've ever known. And at the time, was actually pretty good at both those jobs. Mike's claim to fame, however, is his relationship with Christine's former best friend and his wife; who was a total bitch (in that one snapshot moment in life).

How time flies! Mike's not a Duck, Ruthie's mellowed, Mark's gone off the deep end, Christine's evolving nicely and the spawn are still amazing. Go figger!

The most amazing, beautiful creature to carry the DiFonzo name and genes... All Hail The Divine Miss Z!

Dianazation of the English Language!

It's official! I'm taking over :) Thank you to Christine, for your insight and humor... more of this list to come, I'm sure of it!!!

Dianasize (verb) : to Diana-size one's food, to take apart a food item and re-assemble in a more appetizing way. ie., ZoAnne, stop dianasizing you taco and just eat the dang thing!

Hurricane Diana (noun) : when Diana visits and brings with her a swirling wind of activity, joy and, yea, maybe some destruction. ie., I'm hiding in the room when Hurricane Diana blows into town. (guess who? :-)

Dianazation (adverb) : when a room is re-done in one day with mismatch floral prints and mystical type objects. ie., We went to Target & a botanica to complete dianazation of the bedroom.

Divine Spark of Diana (noun) : Acknowledgment of the divinity within persons named Diana and anyone else feeling sparky. ie., The divine spark of Spanky took the form of a nude Goddess Diana Doll in clay.

Anti-Diana (adverb) : Anyone who's dour, cynical, unethical, inauthentic, uninspired, generally cranky and boring. ie., That Anti-Diana woman probably shops at Walmart.

Oral Dianarea (verb) : The ability to speak, at length, on topic, with volume and emphasis while delivering a controversial point of view. ie., We had to pull the plug on the mic when the speaker got Oral-Dianarea.

The Diana Vortex (noun): The whirly-swirlyness that is diana's energy force; resistance is futile! The cause of others to never actually leave her orbit permanently; you will be sucked back in.

Readjust Mercury so I can go home...

General Daily Overview: Today's gracious Libra Moon presents a dilemma, for while we attempt to balance our needs with others, we can also feel the pressure of responsibility as the Sun squares restrictive Saturn. We have no choice; we must slow down to navigate through the obstacles that appear before us. It could be challenging to make the right long-term decision, for we must respect authority in whatever form it appears, even if it is blocking the most sensible path.

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20):Tomorrow, your planet Mercury reaches the end of its retrograde cycle and some aspects of your life should begin to move forward. But first you must answer to the harsh judgment of Saturn, forcing you to re-examine a difficult situation. Even if you are overwhelmed, nothing is impossible now. The feelings that are holding you back also contain the seed for your forward movement. Do not accept defeat, for today's discussions can set the stage for tomorrow's progress.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The brakes are being fixed... I've got $100 donation towards that cause, the rest I'm leaving up to the fates... we will get home, safely and soundly (and maybe even sanely!).
Maybe this means the key to Happy Trails is to do my Zen Dish Duty and remain open to possibilities. Thank you Scott Noelle for giving me the terminology: Receiving Mode; I'm done asking, now I await the answers.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Hayden was afraid to get up yesterday, he thought everyone would be mean to him... poor kid; no one was mean at all. This is where "sorry" works well... we all know it's not on purpose, it's just a general dislike of stinky. Jon was funny, as he covered the couch & chair skeletons with garbage bags and just because, he took the cushions off all remaining furniture - the house looks over flowing with cushions now :) We even played around imagining what to do with the skeletons, fill them to overflowing with throw pillows?
Hayden even said it's an okay situation to be funny instead of serious; it makes him feel better.

ATCs

I've gone nuts, it's official!! I *think* I've done about 26 cards over the last two days... some I was inspired to do to trade in the caption trade and *finally* participate in the Imagination Tribe, some I want to send on as Holiday Gifts and some were just plain inspired by the whirly swirlys currently around me (i.e. I made one of Buck before I knew it was his last night and another from my gods dream -- see applicable posts!). I made the Far/Near set in response to Tony's call... I wish one of us would just say: "Ya know, I think we should stick around one another for a while and see if this *this* actually becomes something." In the vein of not wanting to be the grownup, I'm not gonna be the one who says it... oops! too late!

This set is my Tribal Set. These are in response to the women I have gathered around me lately... lots of fire dancing theme going on last night... the quote is "Speak to the goddess and she will answer" The bottom one is a mis-matched tribe and the word "Wild"; the last one is one I made specifically for Jeanie and it's women dancing 'round a fire with the word "Sister." (I'm sending it off to Tony today with his cards... ask for it if he doesn't offer it!!)

Happy Trails, Sir Buck

Today's the day...
I'm so sad for Tony.
I'm so glad for Buck.
Cancer sucks, Heaven rocks.
Tony's grateful.
He's proud.
He knows returning the gift
is the right thing to do.
He's honored to have known this Spirit.
He's honored to have loved.
His heart is stretching.
Feels like breaking,
but it won't; it can't.
It keeps beating.
Stronger for the exercise.
Better for the practice.
Open to something new.

Today's Stars

Diana's Horoscope: ...You may be running tapes through your mind about issues at home, about your feelings, or about memories from your past. Unless you can keep your mind away from personal issues, you may as well take the afternoon off.

But that's always true!

Well put me over the barrel and gimme the pickle!

Ya know, sometimes Life just sucks... and worse yet, I can see the why it sucks and how easily it could unsuck in one place, but I have can't yet see the possibilities of Life unsucking all the way around. And it's a car. But it's the brakes, they're important ya see, and, unfortunately for me, expensive. I kinda need 'em to get home, but if I buy 'em I can't get home. I can take the car to another place, but I'm gonna have to pay that savings (praying the 2nd place is cheaper) to the first mechanic for his time already spent investigating my brake situation. The lady called, as I talked to her I ate a fortune cookie: Your sly nature will get you out of a tight spot. I gave her the sob story: it's fix the car and be stranded or don't fix the car and pray we make it home. The price did miraculously drop by almost $80 overnight, maybe Greg will decide he doesn't need to make any money off the sad girl this year. Even at cost brakes are a PITA, but c'mon, I'm good Karma :) I *can* stay here, I can figure out a way to make the next cupola weeks easier to be here and that's a big possibility. It really is beautiful and magical here (the sun just came out as I'm typing - yay!!) That would mean we won't be home for Mitch's Death Day (which actually now sounds appealing...), nor the biggies like the women's retreat *I* scheduled, nor our first Full Moon Circle; oh yeah Thanksgiving falls in there, but the idea of quiet nothing sounds appealing there, too.
It's just one of those days when being the grown up just fucking sucks.
Hm, it's funny that I sit and worry about Hayden through all of this and I remember the talk I got from Marty and Madelyn... Hayden will be Hayden in whatever context Life doles out, it's best to parent in a way that keeps us open to one another and in a way that feels good, not to take his frustration personally while I'm striving to provide the tools for him to alleviate his angst (all the while striving to minimize my cause of said angst). It was an "on the right track, mama" with a great shift to an objective perspective. (If I may summarize... it was pretty powerful to listen to their take on the Hayden/diana situation; they were honest and open, direct, I'd even say hardcore!)

Delirious Dreams

Last night I fitfully dreamt, as I tossed and turned wrapped in Hayden's Aunt Karna woobie.
I remember cursing at the gods, convincing them that I stand before them NOT as their own personal plaything, but as a flesh-and-blood human being and by-golly my feelings count! I threatened to become atheist, worse yet faithless, turning my back on them, not only firing them from their jobs, but eliminating the position entirely, casting them into nonexistence (even worse than Neil Gaiman's American Gods). I don't know if they reacted (sumbitches!), but I felt empty, not even able to cry. But with bizarre insight and clear vision -- Focus. Always an unfocused focus, clarity and no where to cast it. Kinda like at the hands of the schoolyard bullies I was intimately familiar with... ooooh, now there's some psychotherapy waiting to happen!
Can we say RETROGRADE? Danggummit, I'm really feeling it.
I got no gumption. I got no spark. Blech.
Apathy, my worst enemy.

On an upnote, Hayden came in later and snuggled with me (with Hannah's woobie!).

I read in my new Woman's Confidence book from Kelli - it's one of those open anywhere for Wisdom books - the woman spoke of forgiving her Past Self, the one who's behavior makes her cringe upon reflection. She imagined that Past Self cowering in shame for causing such pain to her now Present Self. None of what had happened was with malicious intent toward our Future Self (though some might have existed right there for the current Present Self). When we hold that message in our hearts and come to know and own Who We Are Now as a beautiful culmination of our Past Selves. Life really is For Giving and BEing forgiving, especially to ourselves. If I'm not on my own Team, who else will wanna be?

Ah, part of this was sparked, I'm sure, by a new blog Mary found: PostSecret.blogspot.com, it's odd and cool and disturbing and creative. I think I want to do some Secret ATCs, just for me to keep or share with others, secretly.


Life is so random.


'cept when it's not.

I guess Sandra was right...

good thing I'm off the alcoholic pathway:

diana lea jenner: At age 42 you will die from wounds delivered by a blender after trying to make your sixteenth margarita of the day.
(And it's only 3:00pm, shame on you!)

Our AMAZING Concert Experience!!

Totally worth the drive!! Just to hear the opening band ::bg:: To hear those pretty, pretty English boys (starsailor) sing unintelligibly until this unforgettable opening line: Doncha know you have your daddy's eyes... daddy was an alcoholic
Mary and I were first brought to tears by the touching beginning... then the next line, we were laughing so hard tears were once again filling our eyes!! I bought their album (which came with a free tee shirt) and we stood in line, giggling uncontrollably, to get their autographs... ooooohhhh they were even prettier up close!! Bass guitar player-dude looks EXACTLY like a young, hip, 21st Century Paul McCartney!! I asked about the song, but I think they wrote me off as some strange old giggling woman, but told me that song is not on the album I bought, but on the one titled: loveaseal, love-a-seal? no, loveaseal, by then I was back to giggling so hard and they were all making fun of my mislistening and the moment was gone... the song is playable on their page, it's called Alcoholic, hee hee hee...
Then, of course, out came James Blunt... the most amazing musician I didn't know existed ('cept I love, love, love the Weird Al parody and the accompanying story of music industry angst). I witnessed a real guy, one with scars and scabs, who still has faith in humanity and loves Life. His songs are anti-war and pro-woman... what more can a girl want? maybe james blunt in her bed and the rest of her life, too :) He needs me... someone let him know!
Oh yeah, the dancing monkey icons turn me on, too, 'specially since they're wearing crowns, awaiting their Monkey Queen ::g::

I made it!!

We're here!! I'm aaaahhhh-ing after my whole first day with the Zenmomma :) Life is GOOD!! (dangit, I didn't bring those socks!) The trip has already been wild and busy and all of that diana schtuff -- and yet it seems to be just beginning.
Hayden was happy and excited to see me on Friday, what a treat! I got to bring some Kathleen Coffee to Karen, so the first leg of the trip was aromatically pleasing! We had a great time hanging out in Rapid, we even did the MALL ::gasp:: AND had fun ::GASP!:: We got started later than I had planned, but the sleep and the morning with my happy, happy son were well worth it! We had a late morning trip to Hobby Lobby (they open at 9 am, in case you're wondering) to stock up on SpongeBob art supplies.
The second leg of the trip was the big chunk, 14 hours to Boise, ID! We didn't quite make that on my mind's itinerary, either, but that was all perfect timing... when we awoke from our rest stop nap, we drove under/through the most amazingly beautiful full-spectrum rainbow!! I called Kyra immediately, as the three of us saw more rainbows on the SW Tour than any other combination of folks; it was like she was with us in Spirit!
In Wyoming (to whom I owe an emphatic apology, it's not a horrifically ugly nor boring state, up north!) I got close to Little Big Horn. I got off the freeway, thinking I'd go to the site, but I just couldn't do it... so I released Hannah to the Spirit Winds and wished her presence to bring great peace to the Grandfathers still there. Sad reminder of how far we've not yet traveled in our evolution as Humans.
While in Montana, I crossed the Crazy Woman Creek (what a great mental image: me, the crazy woman for whom the creek is named) and the Tongue River (should they have met, mayhap the lady'd not be so crazy??), then we crossed the Bear Tooth Ridge. We drove through the northern part of Yellowstone, under the light of a nearly-full moon and shared some Hannah; we talked of the mountains, of living here, of the wildlife we didn't see and why that is, of loving the Earth as our Mother, of honoring the ebbs and flows of Life, of reintroduction of wolves to the wild, of keeping a wolf as a pet (and the natural follow up of Spirit Crushing and our societal ways of doing that to our young), of life on other planets, of the meaning of Smart, of the limitless possibilities of being human...
We finally made it to Boise on Sunday Morning and hung out with Big Joe and Dezmo all day. What a cool experience to see my long time friend as a parent, as a loving and *present* parent to his beautiful son! We reminisced and caught up, we played with the boys and talked our truths. It was most fun to hear Dez share stories of his daddy, Joe's pretty cool in my eyes anyway, but even more special through the eyes of a loving and whole 4 year old.
We left for Corvallis (guess when? yep, later than I thought), looking forward to the short and sweet 8 hour final leg of the journey. I trusted Mapquest, which kinda bit me in the ass! It was all well and good, until the very last mountain I had to climb before descending upon the Golds... Steep, Slow, Scary, Foggy, Rainy & Windy! About 80 miles of 30 mph on a road from which there is no escape, no pulling over and napping, no cell service to even cry to my friends!! At one point the clouds broke, I was on a relatively flat spot, the beauty was breathtaking, so I left some Hannah there, too. I FINALLY made it to flatlands, knowing that indeed, I am capable of anything!! We arrived safe and sound late last night, only to promptly pass out!
Today I got to have breakfast at the infamous Sunnyside Up! yummy, yummy, yummy! Since we've got an in with the owner ;) he even came over to hang out with us and watch us eat our perfectly crisp bacon with our organic eggs and perfectly seasoned taters. Oh yeah, I had a wonderful mocha, followed by an amazing regular cup o'coffee! yessirree, won't be having those Constipated Traveller Blues ANYmore!! ::g::
Oh yeah, you should all know that Mary cooked dinner tonight.
I got to meet Donna and see Joni :) and we watched Donnie Darko - a must see! (though not the director's cut, the original was awesome and I trust Mary's comparison) Run out and pick it up now!! (when you're done voting, of course!)
Tomorrow's the concert in Portland... Hayden's gonna have a blast picking Jon's brain about the Smoothie Shop plans ::bg::