What Your Soul Really Looks Like

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are very passionate and quite temperamental. While you can be moody, you always crave comfort. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You believe that people see you for how you are, not how you look. But deep down, you know that's not exactly true. Your near future is still unknown, and a little scary. You'll get through wild times - and you'll textually enjoy it. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

The trick is to keep breathing...

She's not the kind of girl

Who likes to tell the world

About the way she feels about herself

She takes a little time in making up her mind

She doesn't want to fight against the tide

And lately I'm not the only one

I say never trust anyone

Always the one who has to drag her down

Maybe you'll get what you want this time around

Can't bear to face the truth

So sick he cannot move

And when it hurts he takes it out on you

And lately I'm not the only one

I say never trust anyone

Always the one who has to drag her down

Maybe you'll get what you want this time around

The trick is to keep breathing [x2]

She knows the human heart

And how to read the stars

Now everything's about to fall apart

I won't be the one who's going to let you down

Maybe you'll get what you want this time around

I won't be the one who's going to let you down

Maybe you'll get what you want this time around

The trick is to keep breathing [x7]

Saturday morning...

as I stood outside my door, wondering how today will be, I got to hear bagpipes, sweet and lonely, floating through the morning light between the trees...

I read Anne Lamott as I waited for the computer to start up... "So when the seasons change, buckle up." and "You never know exactly where the knot is going to release, but usually, if you keep working with it, it will." -- It gives me great peace to know this woman exists, that someone else, lovable and courageous, is just as human and freaky as I am.

~
I'm off to a good start... Important because I moped yesterday. Didn't really think moping actually occurred, but it does, I now know. I left my bed and curled up on the sofa and watched DVR all stinkin day. Then I decided that just wasn't enough excitement for me, so I tried pissy for a while. Well, pretty much no reward for that kind of attitude. There are not a lot of places to go with pissiness, it's a shame, it's the least tolerated human emotion ::bg:: So, while my son was having a great time with his friend and my nephew, I escaped... I got to meet with the king and a fellow Gemini freak ::g:: vented a lot of my pissiness, then figured a couple of things out: 1) I pretty much deserve to be as pissy as I need to be, 2) I need to find people I can count on to be pissy with, without emotional consequences, 3) I need to retain my rational Self, to a certain degree, I have enough real stuff to cry about no need to make shit up or sweat the small stuff. I guess that's actually a few things, but my point is, I do feel better, both with my pissiness and my ability to reason it away, at my leisure.
~
I gonna meditate, then some bucklin' up! Summer's here!

In the stars for Thursday

Horoscope for: Thursday, June 22, 2006

Diana,

You might feel as if your hands are tied, preventing you from doing the work that's been assigned to you. Yet you are not willing to give up at this time, for you know that your persistence will pay off. Be careful not to assign blame to the apparent obstacles. Others may play antagonistic roles in your life, but in the long run, their presence will only make you stronger.

The stars align...

Horoscope for: Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Diana,

You might think that if you bring your hidden issues out into the open that the problems will begin to solve themselves. Unfortunately, this isn't the way it's working now, for what you say can have quite the opposite effect. Others may not understand your perspective and this can drive the unresolved issues even deeper. Be patient; don't push for a solution yet.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Okay, looks like I'm waiting to address the Hayden/Jeremy issue... Hayden was very excited to see Jeremy last night, I'm a-thinking the damage was minimal and that my son is far more forgiving and understanding than {gasp!} his mommy!
We are still in a new relationship, the honeymoon shouldn't be over yet!

National Pro Life Association

I just got a call... Actually they've called a lot lately and I've often wondered why they would have my name, so today I answered!

Caller: 'ello Mrs. Jeener, I'm Sebastian and a republican congressman has prepared a spiel about ending abortion on demand in the United States. Are you willing to listen to his 2 minute talk?

Me: Of course!

[huge spiel about roe v wade being forced upon our citizens by 9 non-elected government officials who will not determine that life begins at conception, as it would end, no wait, he said collapse, their pro-choice reign but science has determined that indeed that is when life begins and our courts need to recognize it, so will ya please send up at least $50 so we can end the killing of innocents in our country] Sebastian: So Mrs Jenner (got it right this time!) can we count on your support?
Me: Of course NOT! Sebastian: {sputter, sputter} of course not?? Why is that Mrs Jenner?
Me: Weeeeelllll, as the congressman is a MAN and will never have to face, at least in this lifetime, an unwanted or forced-upon pregnancy, I don't feel he's qualified in any sense to decide for women what to do in that situation. It's not any man's place to determine what may or may not happen between a woman and her doctor. I do consider myself pro-life, I like being alive and I think life is a glorious thing, but I will not stand between any woman and her right to exercise her free will.
Sebastian: uh, uh, uh, well, thanks for listening and have a great day, Mrs Jenner
Me: You, too, Sebastian.

Prickly 'men

A friend recently described herself as feeling "punchy" I wondered, only momentarily what that means... as suddenly I'm feeling a bit "punchy" myself! Is it the planetary alignment or lack thereof? Is it the waning moon bringing on yet another egg? Does it affect men directly or are they merely responding to the emotional effect it has on us women?
Last night, J was flipping thru the channels and settled upon Scary Movie; Hayden was fine for a few minutes, but did begin to panic about the time the girl faked death for the third time and the TV static began... Jeremy had no idea Hayden's background with this movie, nor The Ring (both horribly freaked him out!!) (not to mention that he may be just a bit sensitive to jokes about death at this point in his life!!) but the terror in the little boy's voice as he demanded the channel be changed was clear - to me. I wanted to shepherd him out of the house and he just wanted Jeremy to turn the channel, he didn't want to leave, he wanted to trust his friend to take away what was freaking him out; Jeremy wanted him to "ask nicely" for the channel to be changed and by golly he was gonna stand his ground! He eventually turned the channel, but not until things escalated into Hayden sobbing on the stairs, and he did so resentfully, grumbling about MY house and MY tv and teaching him manners and all this unschooling bullshit... I gave a mama bear low warning growl, Hey! it's my kid, a real-live being far more important than a movie. Soon the TV settled on Family Guy and the two boys were getting along again, but Jeremy still glowered at me from the corner...
After a really cool weekend, where he was incredibly supportive, his response was shocking and hurtful... I don't want to take it personally, I want to explain, eh, but I talk too damn much the way it is...
Walk the walk, if I want others to be more respectful of my kid, then I need to step up and model it. People -not things- are what's important in life. I'm glad he still knows he can count on me, but damn! grown-ups should be just that: Grown-Ups and stop the pissing matches with the young'n's - there's no easier nor quicker way to hurtin' a mama's heart. Aarrgghh!! :^p~~~~
I'm gonna be a great juggler someday.

today's forcast...

Diana,

Friends and associates have a lot to tell you now, but you might not want to hear what they have to say. There's no reason to be defensive, for even if you feel as if you are being criticized, they are probably just trying to be helpful. Being open to what you can learn about yourself today can make you more likeable.

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Unschooler in Love

On Thursday nite, I hopped in Jeremy's truck with Hayden and Sadie and off we went to Nowata, OK, a mere 9 hour drive [to us road trip vetrans anyway]. I's a bit skared of the trip... it's pretty quick into it and I'm the first girl to meet this side of the family... and I'm the super freak with my super freak kid [let's not even mention the dead side of the story!]. This was made worse by the fact we were surprising his parents - at 5am!!! His parents are sweet and kind; they live on a ranch with lots of horses, and Sue approved of sprinkling Hannah's ashes in the pens :')
Jeremy was a bit off-balance, he didn't quite know how to react to the curiosity and attention, he handled himself very well. He spoke positively of Hayden, even to Grandma when she asked "What about reading, writing and math?!" when I spoke, very generally, about our lifestyle, he said Hayden reads better than most 7 year olds already, without assignments ::bg:: He's getting it! He does still struggle with Hayden's meltdowns, but hey, so do I and I've got waaaay more experience than he does... most times his perspective is fresh and welcome; even when it's not what I'm looking for, at least it gives us both a clearer picture of what I am looking for. Sometimes Hayden does really need to hear that I'm doing my best and that he should be nicer to me... sometimes I need to hear that about Hayden, too, to be reminded that he is only 7 and that this too shall pass -- that's probably what I miss most about being married, those little reminders. So, with Jeremy running interference and acting my cheerleader, the weekend was pretty smooth. Even when Grandpa insisted on calling me Jeremy's fiancee ::vbg:: We told his parents how we met, but it's not really the first impression story I want to give the whole family ... we gotta come up with an alternate tale :) We kissed at every red light and constantly held hands; we were both glad to be right there, right now. Yeah, he loves me and it shows.

Today's Funny

thanks Aunt Karna!! Perfect timing ::bg::

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The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Alas, the Bishop was buried the next day.

MORAL OF THE STORY?
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life ... stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer and be a lot happier!

All Hail...

the Divine Spark in diana! God appearing in human form, as ME, a fallible, questioning, glowing, learning, journeying, fledgling being -- Just like Joshua, the best recorded and most frequently mis-quoted human to proclaim his Godliness. Much like Joshua, I, too, want to share my human experience with others and give Life context in the larger scope of my Soul's mission. I only make sense in context, I don't know what it's like for other humans, I only know being diana; and that I'm still figgerin out. In the context of God's sense of humor, I make the most sense, both to myself and to others ::vbg::
Thank the Mother I've got some great coffee to make it thru today -- it's even Zenmomma Coffee, it'll give me energy AND calm!! I got my Sunnyside Up!

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Today's ramblings were brought on by several recent experiences:
I spent the weekend under the buckle of the bible belt - Oklahoma. Jeremy's family is wonderful; sweet, loving, very close knit family... And they give all credit for their lives to Jesus. Not a one of them understands what I do, that Jesus was not leading us to His Self, but to Our Self, to the God that lives inside each of Us individually, to take responsibility as Children of God, to do what it is God intends for us, to Be Who God intends Us to Be.
I cried on the way home... there is a small but loud part of me that really does want to be just like everyone else: praising Jesus, making him responsible for my life, using him as justification for ignoring, dishonoring and smacking kids... The Light I carry diminishes when I think that way, that behavior does not Honor the Purpose for which I was created; my Light shines when I am authentic diana... Yeah, it means I'm an oddball Freak among Jesus Freaks; yeah, it means sometimes I threaten what people accept as Truth; yeah, it means I can't gather up a congregation of folks who agree with me on every single thought that rolls thru my brain; YEAH, it means I walk my very Own Path, forging through the Great Unknown called Life... If God don't mind (and why should s/he? S/He made me this way!) then why should any mere mortal?? I'm glad the larger part of me understands how important it is to Be Me, especially in the face of resistance. I've got a lot to learn...

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In response to my post Hayden & The Good News Freak Show, I received this:
Posted anonymously:

I will pray for you Diana, I feel sad that you have such a hard heart towards the truth.
Your comments are unbelieveable...no wonder people are speechless.

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Thank you, Anonymous! I can use all the prayers you have to offer! I'm not sure where you read that my heart is hardened, I will re-read my blog and fix any hint of that being written, as it is NOT an accurate representation of my heart. In fact, the concept Bodhicitta, which I embrace, means *open or awakening heart.* It is an idea of one's heart being open to ALL of life, to ALL experiences the Universe has to offer us - not as a judge, but as an observer; an observer of this human experience, as One Who IS Created in the Image of the Creator. This is the heart I carry, it is the heart I am learning to share with the world, it is the heart GOD has given to me. If you knew me, you would know this about me. If you're interested in revealing yourself to me and having a conversation, I am absolutely ready, willing and able. Thanks for your concerns and again, for your prayers. May the most of your prayers be those of thanksgiving.
Much love, Namaste! ~diana

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I do not intend to offend, however, I do intend to challenge how you think, what you cling to and what you blindly accept... I do expect others to do the same for me. Even if your words and deeds do not change what I believe or do, know that they live on in my mind and do influence me. Unchallenged Convictions aren't really Convictions, now are they??

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{I really gotta figure out how to put comments on my own ding-dang blog}
anyway, not everyone is silent on the topic, just so ya know:
so, Jesus came to visit, huh? wow, people are so locked into their beliefs, I am so glad I have a spiritual practice that embraces "temples, mosques and ashrams"... i am still shocked when judgment happens as I struggle to learn not to judge...it's so hard to know how to interpret Jeremy's family and the responder to your blog, except, I guess, to love, period, Love is all there is, Love is God and you have always typified that trait of God, so know you are on the correct path to yourself and it's more challenging to follow this path where we are all in charge of ourselves instead of blindly following the exact dictates of a specific dogma or religion, we are free to take what we want from how ever Spirit reveals Itself, In Jesus Freaks, in little kids, in a health challenges, in explosive orgasm (yes, even that)...and it's harder because we answer to the God within us, with more complex personal obligations and integrity,,, being Christian seem easy by comparison!!! if only we could say "the devil made me do it"...instead... we answer to US!!!

Love to you and your journey...

Happy birthday Mitchard!

Today you would be 38... I guess that means my birthday is officially over for this year! :'(

I'm so glad you were born and lived a life that led you to me... I'm so grateful for the gifts of your love and our children. Though I miss Hannah horribly, I know in my heart you are taking good care of her [you selfish bastard!]. Happy Father's Day, too. Thanks for being such a great dad, on both sides of the veil. Thank you, too, for the gifts I've received since your death... Though they're hard to think of, there are many, too many to count. Mostly I appreciate the opportunity to show myself how mighty is my spirit, how indomitable I truly am, how much love I still have to give and how much I'm worthy of accepting.
My niece, Brittany, is visiting tonight. She called Jeremy "a different kind of Mitch." He was greatly moved by the comment; I think it's a great compliment, one he's honored to receive. Your kind of love is one worth asking for again... I'm glad to have it in my life.
A special toast for you tonite...

Hayden & the Good News Freak Show

Regular ol' park day last Tuesday, or so I thought...

Chattin' my fool head off with the homeschoolers, when a young man comes by with propaganda, ya know, the kind that makes my teeth grind, my ears buzz and head spin, the "God who is only Jesus will only love your sinful horrible self if you just..." Bullshit propaganda, *now on DVD*! The other ladies were quietly accepting his gift and I openly asked that he keep his information as I was not interested nor Christian.
He asked one question, "What is your problem with Jesus?"
"I have no problem with Jesus, it's the un-Christ-like things people do in his name I have issue with"
"Then you should take this and read what He says"
"Oh, I know his message, and I know how horribly misinterpreted he's been, No Thank You"
This guy gives up and walks away [no doubt praying for my heathen soul], and up runs my son, so excited!! A new friend! And all this cool Jesus merchandise!! Look! A keychain with the colors to help you remember: Red for Jesus' blood, Black for Sin, White for Cleanliness, Yellow for streets of Gold in Heaven, Green for Growing; OH! And a color coordinated crystal enhanced pin-on smiley face (Jesus loves Wal-mart, too?!? my first thought anyway - EEK!!) AND tomorrow at 1:30 there's gonna be free food and we should come back and play with Josh some more and listen to the music and get more STUFF!! [wasn't there a VeggieTales episode about Stuff? StuffMart was the enemy!! but I 'spose they think the Jesus stuff gets a pass]
1:30 the next afternoon finds me where? Oh yeah, back at the park... This time I brought Eli with me (and he happened to be wearing a YRUU tee with a huge chalice on the back and someone wrote: 'Eli is a flaming liberal' underneath, hee hee hee). Wouldn't ya know it, that very same evangelical dude is walking across the grass as I witness Hayden's reunion with Josh, and he recognizes me & stops to talk. He begins by apologizing if he offended yesterday... how contrite. We do talk and I give him the 20 minute rundown of my last 6 years or so, especially the last 5 months... Then, just when he's good and mushed up and speechless, I lecture him on the grace of God! How there is no way God would EVER EVER turn her back on us (okay, I used his), regardless of our human condition. He talks about John 12 (which I still have to look up) where, during the story of Lazarus, there is a description of Jesus' anger at God for taking his friend's life (where I did NOT comment about the brother-in-law status). I'm sure he wasn't quite prepared for my response -- See! Jesus is human, he's showing us that God is God and He can take a bit of human anger without having to take it personally, God did NOT stop loving Jesus because he became angry and frustrated with the universe God was guiding him through. Just as God never, ever, ever will turn his back on us for our human frailty. He sputtered and sprayed and began to talk about the fall and before he could bash womanhood, **ding** I was done. I had to find my boy. He played with Josh, who seemed nice enough but certainly not interested in talking to me, mother of his "friend" but I was fine with them as long as I could see &/or hear what was going on... They returned to the other end of the park, where the "party" was going on, with the tchotchkes and the candy and the food and the music. Ah yea, the music, [canned music with live guitar enhancement] La La La, God loves you, He gave us Jesus who died for you, you filthy horrible lying cheating no-good rotten sinner, and He will love you when you sin only if you're really sorry and tell Him so, if only Jesus lives in your heart, all your sin and troubles will be washed away by the blood of the Lamb and you can know you will live with God forever, but not if there's sin in your heart, if you don't want God then Jesus don't want you either ~~~~~SCRAAATCH~~~~~ okay, it's time to get the holy fuck outta this park!! I cried when I told Hayden that God doesn't stop loving us, she didn't make junk, she made humans and she knows exactly who we are and what we mean and much better than mommy she can understand where we come from and that we're not horrible even if we think and do horrible things sometimes, she can see way deep down inside and see the Love that created us in the first place and she can help us remember that we are all created out of Love, out of whole, complete and perfect Love and I'm so sorry that some people think that God stops loving them for being human, I hope that someday everyone can feel the constant of Universal Love and know that their LIFE has purpose and worth and Heaven isn't something over there, it's right here, right now!

`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-

:::ring, ring::: Hey Jesus! Guess what they're saying about you at McKennan Park! Want me to go kick their asses with ya?? Yeah, we should, they're totally dissin' your dad and pretending your mom wasn't even all that special! They're using your name to scare little kids! C'mon, it'll be fun!! What? You're really gonna take it? Not worth it?! Karma?!! Fine, I'll pick up the beer and we'll watch the hockey game instead...

The totem pole at the coolest store in all of Los Angeles!! It's called Hidden Treasures and it's in the most diana-like places of all -- Topanga Canyon. I really like the parent/child creature -- I imagine it's Mitch's message to me that he's taking good care of our baby girl.  

Nothing in the world like onion rings, a few shed tears and an old friend with long enough arms to take a picture of the two of us -- on my birthday!! Thanks Dave!  

Christine, diana & Dave -- Fat & Happy after birthday sushi!! It is amazingly delicious when it doesn't have to sit on a plane all the way to South Dakota!!  

Damn! 1/2 of me looks GREAT in this picture!! The other beauties are Jojo and Christine... 

Bestest Friends, this picture really does capture us & our undying love for each other! (and the back fat... but we won't talk about it!)