Sixty Days: Days 40 & 41

Combining days, as I had a mere 11 hours between classes. Both sessions led by C.
Thursday night's highlight was confronting my own self talk. Chatter began: tired, too few calories, can't, can't can't ... followed by my agreement, I sit. Chatter shifts to Quitter Shame. Can't win for losing in my own dammed head!
I talk this phenomenon over with C. She first assures me this is a normal part of this process, then gave me tools to help me along: move to the front row. Confront yourself while you can! If front row isn't enough, try doubles.
Whew.
So I returned Friday morning, for an immediate meeting with myself in the mirror. From the front row.
Front row has far fewer distractions, fewer shiny bits to catch Monkey Mind's eye.
I like me. I want to say loving and supportive things to me, loudly. And so I shall learn.

Sixty Days: Day 39

If it doesn't challenge you,
It can't change you.

Cue inner toddler: Bikram is really hard. I am exhausted. I don't eat right. I don't drink enough water. Wah, wah, wah…
I walked into the studio and saw J-man preparing to teach. I purposely didn't talk to him because I know he steals my stories; and right that moment I liked the comfort of my stories. So much so, I kept em close right into the torture chamber.
We wrestled, my stories & me, all the way through Standing Series, until somewhere around Tree Pose, when I gained the energy I so desperately seek.
Yeah. Definitely a connection between my monkey mind & the class' first half struggles. Concentration Series? Ha! I now see my roadblock. Me. What happens if I shut up? The knee breathes into lamppost & my forehead meets my knee? I see my toes over my head? Possibilities live in the quiet…
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Photo 1: Trisha's kids doing yoga this morning, in Souf'akota. The hardest pose for Americans: savasana, dead body, corpse pose. This is a Legacy fit for Queen Diana! Do YOGA!
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Photo 2: 7 seconds onto my floor bow pulling pose. I'm gaining courage here, knees now leave the floor (thanks to awkward pose for strengthening inner thighs!).

Sixty Days: Day 38

I carefully packed my stories today, placing the "I'm tired of being tired in yoga" on the very top & juggled them into the studio for morning practice.
I was greeting by the same smiling, happy face of Miss J. My stories would be torn to shreds, I already knew!
All you have to do is breathe, thru your nose, calm & silent … but for you Miss Jenner, you pick up your foot, no big whoop.
And I believe! It's no big whoop, so I do it.
When I was gonna die in the last bit of Trikanasana (because I really like my Standing Series Story more than the Standing Series), I'm gonna sit & my self scolding was interrupted with, Hey! Aren't you that girl who did three Rabbits yesterday? Oh! That's me! I jump up & back in to my fullest possible (I'm gonna nail this or die trying!!!) expression Yeah, that's what I thought Miss Jenner.
I let my head fill with direction, with inspiration, with pride for double-exhale sit-ups wherein knees contacted with exactly forehead, with Do more with less and The longest 6 inches is the journey from your mind to your heart.
I breathed. I rested; quickly, intentionally, quietly. I stretched. I shut-the-fuck-up and got my ass to work. And I wasn't the least bit tired.
I am so veryveryvery grateful. For me & my team.
Today's photo inspired by Kimya Dawson, who asks we love ourselves enough to Shake It! on Tuesdays. So I did!

Sixty Days: Day 37

Wow. I drag my ass to the studio, like really wanting to be anywhere else. I know it's a combination of all the feels being dredged up in this whole process. I know I should be gentle with my 44 year old face sprinkled with my 15 year old self's zits. And I'm just so tired. Tired of being tired. Ack.
And Miss J is teaching. She's iron beneath her gentle aura and sweet, ohsovery sweet voice. At first she's not enough, my monkey is leading my by the nose through every excuse possible, constant reminders of tiredness. Exhausting to chase it around, so I sit out 2nd set of triangle. I begin with a stern lecture on how I blew the *ev'pose ev'time* claim; really?! Suddenly I smile, I breathe, I look in my eyes and thank me, my brain fills with the dialogue and I'm back in the game!
With several new students, I was asked to demonstrate Rabbit. Oh myyyy! I love coaching thru poses, I went so high (deep), so curved & stretched. Then did two more. So good for me!
I'm back. I'm here & I'm ready to not be tired anymore. Except for very good reasons ;)

Sixty Days: Day 35

Back-to-back practice was wise! I was able to go much deeper, as I was still warmed up from the night before. Miss K led a full house, including a couple of newbies. Before class, I reminded one that we're all working hard, struggling similarly, no matter how long we've been coming. This kind of bonding means I won't run out of the room, I'll be a good role model.
My skin is a hot mess, detox sucks. I am drinking skin detox tea, at least it tastes good!

Sixty Days: Day 34

Friday afternoon practice with K. The holiday seems to bring lots of visitors to the studio. Today I was lucky to have my peace challenged by Moaning Myrtle. Dude, it's hard work for *everyone* in the room, we're not moaning like porn stars! I smiled, caught my own breath & let Myrtle do the moaning for me.
My hips are tight tonight, as if I haven't stretched them at all -- a sign I may be slacking in my practice as I acclimate to the new studio conditions (my story, as yet unstolen).
Time to get back to work. On me!

Sixty Days: Day 33

Thanksgiving Day practice was absolutely the best place to be this morning. We had a full, sweaty, house.
I decided, on my drive, to surrender. Surrender to the dialogue, to the postures; allowing them to fill my mind and crowd out the internal chatter. E even used Surrender in her coaching :)
As we all found stillness in Tree Pose, the only sound was sweat dripping from all of us, like Oregon rain. It made me smile.
I was distracted by the panicked breathing of my neighbors, had to focus on keeping my own breath & smiling. By Camel, I was only able to do just that: breathe & smile. I wanted to cry otherwise. By Spine Twist I was resigned to my weak; instead E coached me through a beautiful strong finish Why are you doing it like that? You can do it like this, don't believe outdated information.
Ah, perfect. And my challenge is 55% complete.
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In the dressing room:
Bea Arthur (younger & cuter, still Bea-esque) laments she'd worn her yoga clothes under her clothes & forgotten her underwear. General consensus that it's alright, you're just going home, afterall …
In the quiet & empty, after, I lean over to her I'd embrace the sexiness of running around town in yoga pants with no undies! Her face lit up immediately, said 60 is just around the corner and the chances to feel sexy were too few. Own it! I tell her Have fun with it! Commando!
As Bea left, she waved; shining brightly and rocking those yoga pants.

Sixty Days: Day 32

The heat feels like I'm a newbie again.
Tonight I was sweet and gentle with myself. Quietly, I moved through the poses, keeping my breath. I was so happy to have energy enough to lock my knees in the next-to-last pose & feel my heels rise up off the floor!
I'm not doing the impossible, I've redefined what's possible.

Sixty Days: Day 31

The second half begins! And much sweatier than the first. It seems the new heater wasn't working as it should; oh it is now!
Miss K led practice, killing me without letting me die. Bikram magic.
90 times I've practiced since July. 90 times I've had to look at myself, my whole entire almost naked self, in the mirror. A true gift. Yet another gift.

Sixty Days: Day 30!

A milestone! Thirty days of practice, not perfect.
Looking at myself in the mirror, I thanked me for my dedication, for the work done and the work we're striving to do. I am so grateful for this chance to take me on, every day; to realize this is not as difficult as I've feared.
Quiet. So much value in quiet.
Magic.