I really didn't know

A year ago, I had thoughts and plans and hope to experience a totally new and different year of life. I simply hadn't anticipated this particular trajectory. I want to speak of these last 365 days with compassion, without the pain, with excited discovery and pride of growth. And there have been some crazy discoveries (about my crazies) and lots of opportunities (some taken!) for exponential personal growth. 

This morning, 4 December 2013

•As Decembers go, I was off to a fine start. In the middle of my first 60 Day Bikram challenge, staying with my Besty, 35 minutes from a torture chamber, thoroughly enjoying an amazing California Adventure for mine own self. 

I didn't know. 

4 December 2012

•I'd visited Mitch in the cupboard, we had a riotous, albeit snot filled, party at the San Fernando Mission cemetery (we being Christine, ZoAnne, the dead guy & myself). I talked about love, I talked about courage. I asked for guidance, some intervention. 

I didn't know.

4 December 2012

•I made plans with an old friend, a drive into the city. Comfort, conversation, commiseration, coffee, probably some religion and politics, just to prove what good friends we are, on the agenda. A safe place for Radical Honesty. 

I didn't know. 

4 December 2012

•Exactly as I'd imagined. Exactly as it'd been every time for 20 years. Because that's the kind of friends we are. Friends without fear. Friends with nothing to lose. Friends whose paths have separated them for long periods during the 20 years, and always, somehow, magically brings them back again. And it works. Always. 

I didn't know. 

•Meet my Hero, Deliriously Happy Diana. Fearless. Brave. Every word in every language that means shiny and bright and courageous and joyous. The things this woman says. I shake in awe. Bare naked, heart & soul, on a silver platter, she fucking did it. Confessed. Everything. Out in the open. For reals, no take-backs. Power-Full.

I didn't know. 

•This chick. There is happy enough oozing out of her for all of Los Angeles County. There is something about Courage received with Care that is incredibly sexy. Confident in her place in the world, a loving growing healing helpful team building exploratory fated careful funny safe place of her own. Claimed it. Received it. Reciprocated it. 

Oh, I *think* I know. 

I didn't know. 

I didn't know my heart had even more capacity for stretching. I didn't know the depths of fearless love. I didn't know I was capable of such naked courage. I didn't know I was worthy of worship. I didn't know the strength and compassion I hold. I didn't know I was hoarding so many feels. I didn't know how hard it is to keep from building new walls. I didn't know I can fly! I didn't know how to not take it all personally. I didn't know I still had painful lessons to learn. I didn't know my trust was so shaky. I didn't know the world was so beautiful. I didn't know love could end. I didn't know how hard that would be to learn. I didn't know the work involved in deep recovery. I didn't know loss has had a cumulative effect on my body. 

This me here, I know a few more things now. The naked courage is refusing to stay suppressed, it sneaks up on me and puts me on stage, doing yoga. (With hairy pits! In front of people!) It puts me in scary situations. It has me interacting with other human beings. 

I might know, at least strongly suspect, people are probably worthy of trusting with my heart again. I am learning to cultivate that all-encompassing love within myself, for myself.  I know pain, I release more of it with every yoga posture I do. I know this is all temporary. I know. 

And I'm really okay with what I still don't know. 

That feels good.