My niece, Brittany, loves to be at my house. The largest appeal is that it's not her house, the second appeal is the seemingly limitless electronic options and a lack of punishment mentality.
I've spent some inordinate amount of time being stuck in negativity about this... then it was the memories of time spent in my aunts' homes, how that experience shaped me, that began my shift in perspective.
There is some angst in her relationship with Hayden. He loves having her around, truly enjoys having a playmate, but the school-think and the authoritarian family models she brings along are foreign to him and frustrate him greatly. An example, we were making Challah french toast
on Saturday and Brittany moved the frying pan and it burned Hayden's arm (unfortunately I was in the potty). She immediately denied burning him (aaarrgghh, the Blame Game) and he insisted he was, indeed, burned! Hayden was pretty worked up. I first took care of the burn, cool, running water helps all kinds of stresses, while speaking calmly, soothingly about responsibility, accepting responsibility and not placing blame; how hard it is for Brittany, who thought she'd be in trouble, to just deal with what happened - her fear of punishment (being sent home, I assume, or worse, not being invited to return) was blocking her ability to acknowledge his injury and avail herself to compassion. I'm reassuring him (she's standing 10 feet away) that inside she does feel bad, it's an icky feeling to have caused injury to someone, especially someone you care about... there was this shift, as we moved to get a dishtowel we began joking about intentional harm vs accidental harm and how a tiny burn like that one is obviously an accidental type, if you're willing to risk trouble, you may as well go all out for that... the little stuff ain't worth the effort (spiritually or emotionally) that punishment entails. We were all laughing and having a great time, just moments after major trauma.
However, by late Saturday night (and with all the nuttiness rolling around my own Self) I was done having such intense interventions at each conflict between the two of them... (Guitar Hero: who can play on who's band and how many songs for each turn and how many attempts at completion) I did have to finally say that if they absolutely can't figure out a compromise and listen to one another instead of only speaking their own minds, Brittany would have to go home. I felt horrible, but I knew I had to set my own limits, already stretched far too thin. She fell asleep long before Hayden, which availed him for our snuggling :)
She also awoke before him, on Sunday, which availed her for some time with me. We talked about the upcoming conferences. She asked if she could come with us on our April trip. (Hayden asked the day before about her coming to L&L and I patiently explained that it wasn't kind to bring her to an unschooling conference, as she has no chance of ever being unschooled herself and she has little understanding of the principles by which we live... it would be free, yes, but it would be overwhelming both for her to be there and for her to return home. It feels a bit neener, neener, neener to me. Plus, I'm not willing to commit to the negotiation work required for her to be safe and for me to be comfortable in this setting. (It's quite enough that I'm stretching my comfort to include my mother ♥) I talked about the length of the trip and her ability to get along with Hayden in our small spaces... I also mentioned the additional expense and how I really can't afford to feed her on the road for a month, let alone a trip to Disneyland. Though housing and travel don't cost any more to have another person in the car, food adds up waaaaay quick, especially over three weeks. She's welcome to come (LIFE Is Good is a much smaller version of L&L and is in a hotel I've already scoped out), though I doubt her mother will let her have that much time & distance away, plus I don't know if they can afford it.
She hung out on the computer all afternoon, happy to be alone (I'm sure there's not much privacy at her house, either) while I went out for coffee with Tony. Sunday was far more peaceful than Saturday had been. She later turned down the opportunity to go out to dinner with her family, just to eat food she really didn't like, just so she could meet Scotty :::bg::: When they called again to say they were on their way to pick her up, she began to whine and I called out, "Please leave happily!!" She took a deep breath and did just that.
********
When I got on the computer this morning, I noticed a light flashing on the printer... so I pushed the button and checked the que... there were many copies of a picture and just one other, so I canceled the copies and turned to the printer -- Oh Mon Dieu!! I'm now assured that Thai gay men just don't do it for me - eeeeeekkk!! Lots of deep breathing as I plan this conversation I'm gonna have to have with my Boy... I just can't grasp why he would go to these pages nor why he would print these pictures! I popped open the history list and quickly realized it was Brittany who had done this... I'm stopped in my tracks. I. Don't. Know. How. To. Deal. With. This. ::::deeeeeep breath:::: Trust. I guess I just gotta Trust that the wisdom I need will come to me at the moment I open this conversation.
I've spent some inordinate amount of time being stuck in negativity about this... then it was the memories of time spent in my aunts' homes, how that experience shaped me, that began my shift in perspective.
There is some angst in her relationship with Hayden. He loves having her around, truly enjoys having a playmate, but the school-think and the authoritarian family models she brings along are foreign to him and frustrate him greatly. An example, we were making Challah french toast
on Saturday and Brittany moved the frying pan and it burned Hayden's arm (unfortunately I was in the potty). She immediately denied burning him (aaarrgghh, the Blame Game) and he insisted he was, indeed, burned! Hayden was pretty worked up. I first took care of the burn, cool, running water helps all kinds of stresses, while speaking calmly, soothingly about responsibility, accepting responsibility and not placing blame; how hard it is for Brittany, who thought she'd be in trouble, to just deal with what happened - her fear of punishment (being sent home, I assume, or worse, not being invited to return) was blocking her ability to acknowledge his injury and avail herself to compassion. I'm reassuring him (she's standing 10 feet away) that inside she does feel bad, it's an icky feeling to have caused injury to someone, especially someone you care about... there was this shift, as we moved to get a dishtowel we began joking about intentional harm vs accidental harm and how a tiny burn like that one is obviously an accidental type, if you're willing to risk trouble, you may as well go all out for that... the little stuff ain't worth the effort (spiritually or emotionally) that punishment entails. We were all laughing and having a great time, just moments after major trauma.However, by late Saturday night (and with all the nuttiness rolling around my own Self) I was done having such intense interventions at each conflict between the two of them... (Guitar Hero: who can play on who's band and how many songs for each turn and how many attempts at completion) I did have to finally say that if they absolutely can't figure out a compromise and listen to one another instead of only speaking their own minds, Brittany would have to go home. I felt horrible, but I knew I had to set my own limits, already stretched far too thin. She fell asleep long before Hayden, which availed him for our snuggling :)
She also awoke before him, on Sunday, which availed her for some time with me. We talked about the upcoming conferences. She asked if she could come with us on our April trip. (Hayden asked the day before about her coming to L&L and I patiently explained that it wasn't kind to bring her to an unschooling conference, as she has no chance of ever being unschooled herself and she has little understanding of the principles by which we live... it would be free, yes, but it would be overwhelming both for her to be there and for her to return home. It feels a bit neener, neener, neener to me. Plus, I'm not willing to commit to the negotiation work required for her to be safe and for me to be comfortable in this setting. (It's quite enough that I'm stretching my comfort to include my mother ♥) I talked about the length of the trip and her ability to get along with Hayden in our small spaces... I also mentioned the additional expense and how I really can't afford to feed her on the road for a month, let alone a trip to Disneyland. Though housing and travel don't cost any more to have another person in the car, food adds up waaaaay quick, especially over three weeks. She's welcome to come (LIFE Is Good is a much smaller version of L&L and is in a hotel I've already scoped out), though I doubt her mother will let her have that much time & distance away, plus I don't know if they can afford it.
She hung out on the computer all afternoon, happy to be alone (I'm sure there's not much privacy at her house, either) while I went out for coffee with Tony. Sunday was far more peaceful than Saturday had been. She later turned down the opportunity to go out to dinner with her family, just to eat food she really didn't like, just so she could meet Scotty :::bg::: When they called again to say they were on their way to pick her up, she began to whine and I called out, "Please leave happily!!" She took a deep breath and did just that.
********
When I got on the computer this morning, I noticed a light flashing on the printer... so I pushed the button and checked the que... there were many copies of a picture and just one other, so I canceled the copies and turned to the printer -- Oh Mon Dieu!! I'm now assured that Thai gay men just don't do it for me - eeeeeekkk!! Lots of deep breathing as I plan this conversation I'm gonna have to have with my Boy... I just can't grasp why he would go to these pages nor why he would print these pictures! I popped open the history list and quickly realized it was Brittany who had done this... I'm stopped in my tracks. I. Don't. Know. How. To. Deal. With. This. ::::deeeeeep breath:::: Trust. I guess I just gotta Trust that the wisdom I need will come to me at the moment I open this conversation.
1 comment:
she looks exactly like you.
I'll be thinking of you all day. ((((diana))))
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