He's Just NOT That Into You

What a fucked up title to a really cool book - cruel as hell, but cool.
Shit or get off the pot ~ once thought of as the ultimate ultimatum to give a guy... now it's empowering women to realize when the guy really doesn't want to go there and walk away.
Thanks, Tena... I think.

An Apology

I owe you an apology; I really thought I could handle it, but I didn't.
Instead of warning you, I kept it together as best I could, though not very well.
This time of year sucks for me, in the biggest way possible. From Thanksgiving to mid-December, I am a mess, a puddle of emotional goo.
I really miss Mitch, I miss being married, I miss being loved for who I am, I miss my children having a father, I miss having emotional support for holidays, I miss having sex, I miss the smell of a man in my house, I miss the feel of a man in my bed, I miss laughing at my fucked up family when I really want to cry, I miss not having to deal with being alone, I miss not having to deal with dating, I miss not being lonely beyond description.
I keep his memory alive. I must, my children depend on it. I'm the only way they'll know where they came from, that they were created with an amazing love by parents who wanted them more than anything and who committed their lives to growing with them, loving them.
It would be easier for all of us, truly it would, if I could just let go, stop talking, stop remembering, stop reminding, stop missing and stop crying; pretend he didn't happen or that he's not still important.
But I won't.
It's my job to honor the life of the man who changed mine so dramatically.

None of this means you don't count, it doesn't mean you're not important.
Yes, it means you're not first, but you're now and that is all we have.

Early Morning

Just had to type something so the world could know, sometimes I'm awake before I should be.

hormones

I catch a whiff of you
and my ovaries respond
my pituitary gland is awake
estrogen does her best
to create an appealing mate
And as the moon swells
she steps back
awakening progesterone
the playful sister who makes
creation practice fun
as the egg pops from the nest
floating towards the fertile land
another opportunity to
play with fate.
Then the moon is gone
and the missed chance
slips silently out of me
progesterone exhausted
estrogen returns
with a vengence
swelling
angry
sad
she wants time off
she wants procreation
she'll have to wait for menopause.

the big aha!

The Death Day Celebration was today. We went to Chuck E. Cheese and did the same things we'd done for the last three celebrations. Something was different this year. Maybe it's my sensitivity about relating things back to Mitch's life, it's beginning to feel too much, too forced, too distant. Our previous parties had a sense of "gee it's sad he's not here" (which I think I heavily influenced) where today I felt "it's fun to be here, now, together" My children live in the now; our life is fun NOW, when it matters. Nothing's missing, no gaping hole, no chasm of love lost; this here's our life and it'sa good'n. Today represents validation for allowing my children to have their own experiences, separate completely from mine, to be honored as they are. Maybe next year I'll go on vacation alone or light a candle and pray by myself; I'll do with the kids whatever they request. My prayers have changed, too, from prayers of sorrow to prayers of gratitude... My life is good today. The lessons of the past have shown me I am who I've become by living thru what I must, I am honored to have been challenged so mightily and to maintain an even firmer grasp on who diana is and, more importantly, how diana is in this big crazy life of mine.

To the Universe:
For all that has come to pass and for all that is yet to be,
I do say thanks! and I do say YES!

Sleep

Oh the joy of sleep, the great escape!
My waking thoughts are of who I am while I'm asleep,
for there I live without question, without fear,
quite literally the woman of my dreams.
And, luckily, the woman of your dreams,
there within mine you live, free from fears and doubts;
Where the reality is the 'what if' from here,
the 'who cares' and the 'why not'
no reasons exist to be different than who we're meant to be,
nothing demands we conform to any standard,
(though I'm not getting much done without a standard wakeful period)
Freedom, pure and simple,
ours for the taking.
I need a nap.

It's Tuesday , isn't it?

Four days till the fourth year is complete... Time does fly and it's been a fun journey. Have I done my best? I've done what I've done with what I had, now I have the experience of having lived life as I never expected and surviving, thriving... more than four years really, but definitely four years that really truly counted, four years that made a lifetime of difference in me, lessons I cannot imagine learning any other way. The diana way, certainly more understanding of myself and who I am, who I want to represent to the world, who I am on the inside authenically represented on the outside. Better vision of how, where and why, deeper breaths, pondered thoughts, joy, love and laughter.
Hm, I think Mitch is proud of our life, our kids. The thought brings great peace.

Thanksgiving Prayer by Debbie Ford

Thank you for all the people who are in my life. Thank you for giving me my body, my hands, my feet, and my heart. Thank you for giving me the ability to love, care for and contribute to others. Thank you for allowing me to grow and evolve, to shed the old and make room for the new. Thank you for my ability to see new opportunities and to explore new paths. Thank you for giving me the ability to think, and most importantly, to choose. Today I give thanks for my right to choose new perspectives, new beliefs, new interpretations, new behaviors, new habits and a new attitude -- all God's gifts to me, all free, all accessible at any moment. Thank you God for waking me up to how blessed I really am. May the love that fills my heart right now go out and enter into the hearts of all the people that I love - the ones that I know and the ones that I don't know. May it go out and enter into the hearts of the hungry, the lonely, the sick, or those that are hurting in any way. May they know that on this day, they are loved and cared for by me. So be it. So it is. Amen.

God and Prayer, Jenner Style

......from earlier this month......

We don't pray in this family, I overheard them say. Who doesn't pray, I ask, I pray all the time. Well, so do I, admits Hannah. Who do you pray to? I ask. Daddy, she replies, he can always hear me. I pray, cries Hayden, I pray to Jesus... Really? I ask after breathing deeply and in the most interested non judgmental mommy voice I could muster, tell me more, I say. There used to be God, he begins, but the dinosaurs ate him and he died. Jesus came here to take his place, now he's God and I pray to him.

......from last week......

Hannah attended AWANA as a guest of her friend. [Anointed Workers Are Not Afraid] She came home very excited with all the enrollment and achievement information. She had memorized enough bible verses to advance a couple of levels into the club's initiation. She and her friend took every opportunity to beg for my agreement for Hannah to attend every week. I promised to take the matter under advisement, to be discussed with Hannah at a later date. I'd already bumbled through a description of my UU beliefs with the mom, she didn't make eye contact throughout the excitement.
I kept my word, I thoughtfully considered the pros and cons of Hannah's exploration of Christianity with the social opportunity to be with her friend. After deliberating with myself [no small feat] and discussing it with others, I talked with Hannah. I told her the reason we go to the UU church is for the freedom to believe whatever we need to believe for our life to work. I want her to have beliefs of her own, not the beliefs forced upon her by anyone else. The church she wants to explore has ONE way of believing. If you don't believe what they say, they will tell you that you're going to hell. Hannah is thoughtful and says, Well, if I don't believe in Hell, I can't go there, now can I?? I love my kid. I also told her I want her to learn about the bible and what it says, it's full of wisdom; I want her to learn about Jesus, he was a great man and she should know how other people feel about him. The decision is hers, not mine, her spirituality must be wholly and completely her own journey. I gave her my full support to make whatever choice will work in her life right now. Instead of the jumping up and cheering I had expected, she sat back and pondered. I'll think about it.
a few days later...
Hannah, there's no AWANA this Wednesday, because of Thanksgiving. That's okay mom, I don't think I'll go to AWANA unless I'm someone's guest. It was hard not to cheer.

Tuesdays with Nani

My rambling thoughts...
Great day with the kids, finding peace is easy today, we all like each other :)
Hannah's part of a *girls' club* with her friends. Today they brought white tee shirts to gym day to decorate and wear. Rey got one that reads: Girls Club Slave and Anya got one that says: Girls Club Trainee Sandra doesn't want Madeline to have one (why oh why does she need to rain on that poor girl's parade?!) but Sylva, Hannah and Aalysha want her to participate anyway. Lost them at the end of gym day, almost freaked out when they were missing; they were looking for me, too -- almost freaking out themselves. It's nice to be reminded how much we need each other.
Big talk with David last night - said all I needed to say, yet again, to release some of the building pressure in my soul... touched on everything from need for uninterrupted adult conversation to using children to avoid intimacy to fears of rejection (mine) to new uncomfortable fears (his) to the Four Agreements impact in my life... I was impressed at my ability to have this conversation at all, then I was impressed I could do it without all the (entitiled) girly whining and crying, THEN I was impressed it could be done in a joyful, playful spirit with both of us hanging up happy.