Scared the Fu*k right-outta Me

Literally. Poor Scotty. We just figgered that one out.
We were gonna flirt, ya know, maybe some mindless, sweaty sex and off I'd go and there he'd stay.

And it didn't happen that way.

"I was fine short-term. You're a great temporary boyfriend. You know the long-haul shit, well, that just scares the fuck outta me.

oh, shit, literally!"

I may be funnying something that need not be funnied.
Except it's really, really funny.
Today, I bought these fine products. They'll bring me balance ♥ and a little extra for the ever-deserving SCB ;)

Be, Do, Have -or- the shot to my own foot wasn't pleasant

Responsibility. Can't escape it. Even if you work very hard to avoid it, it's still yours. Yours to screw up by avoidance or to manage with presence and attention. Egads. I'm ending my 40th year and this is an aha moment for me. There's not going to be anyone swooping in, anytime soon, to take over the parts of being a responsible human that don't seem to sit as comfortably on me as they do on others. Most others. I'm weird. I know it. I also know I'm capable of responsibility. I'm capable of having a better quality of conversations, and thereby expectations, of myself. So I've got sand in my oyster. I am shifting my way over to find balm for the irritation I feel within myself. I'm amazed as the inner sociologist watches me create situations where I'm worthy of shitty self value and I go out of my way to prove myself right. Okay, that's skewed. Even for me. Why? Ah, yeah, another shift, another agreement dissolved, light shown upon another shadow. Forgetting Everything's All Right -- yeah, that.
A wake up call. An awareness. A beginning tingle that started as a wrenched tummy and became an empowering force of action (the antidote to despair). The consequence of said lack of responsible focus may be felt for a while, the presidential kick-back (anticipated this week!) will ease a bit of the tension, though solving nothing. Thanks anyway. See? I'm shifting to gratitude. I am. I just forgot, I Am Gratitude. I live, breathe, express and enjoy immense gratitude in my life. I am truly blessed beyond my own understanding. I gotta let my light shine further.
I think I'll jump rope some more before I go to work. I'll practice saying nice things about myself and watch the universe take steps to prove me right ♥

and a completely unrelated video to remind me of happy. Disneyland, the happiest place on Earth, 2006. Lucky for you, that's Joanna singing, not me ♥

Drugs kill.... eventually

Dead of a heart attack at 102, Albert Hoffman, father of LSD, will be missed greatly on this plane of existence. By those he helped and by those he was unable to help...
His wish for LSD was for it to help humans become At One with Nature
So, thank you Dr. Hoffman, for the trips induced by your magic cocktail & for the voices quieted by your compound... I hope you're finding your time truly at One with Nature the best experience you've ever had.
Drugs kill. Albert could have lived to be 138 if he'd never dropped acid. Then again, why live to 138 if you've never dropped acid?

Message via James

Driving & listening to OPI, they mention the newest James release, Hey Ma. As the song began I popped into 7-11, only to emerge in time to hear

"The dead live on within us"

Thanks for the reminder guys! And thanks for your fandom, Mary, without your connection I may not have paid attention ♥

The Happiness Accident

Then again, there are no accidents ♥
I picked up an Ode magazine last night; one of the headlines reads: The Art of Happiness -- Everyone can master it. I took the hint and have been hanging out with Christophe Andre, a French psychiatrist (who sounds, of course, like Nicolas in my head ♥), author of books Vivre Heureux (How to lead a happy life) and L'Art du Bonheur (The art of happiness), all afternoon. He's cute and French and oh, so Wise! The article is one nugget of Truth for Diana after another:

• In my own experience, happiness does take effort; you need to do your best to see happiness, experience it, absorb it.
• "People's lives are hard, sometimes tragic, and as time goes by you always suffer harm. Without happiness, how could we brave melancholy and despair?"
• Happiness is not a luxury, but a necessity. We don't live to be happy, but thanks to our capacity to be happy, we're able to live.
  
• "To crave for happiness in this world is simply to be possessed by a spirit of revolt." ~Henrik Ibsen
  
• Perfect happiness comes at such moments of grace. Be quiet and say nothing. Look, listen and breathe. Admire. Absorb the budding happiness consciously and attentively, wherever it is.

Six Lessons for a Happier Life:

1. Accept that there will be unpleasant things in life. All the time, every day, you'll face hindrances. You'll be too late or make a mistake or say something stupid. It's the rent you pay to live in the house of life. It's part of life. There's no point in being disappointed when things don't go your way.
   
2. Open your eyes and look around. There are more opportunities for happiness than you think, certainly for a Westerner in 2008. Embrace the moments. Remember them. Enjoy them.
   
3. Take time out. The ability to pause, mentally as well as your actions, is important. Taking breaks is a prerequisite for experiencing happiness.
   
4. Pay attention to your family and friends. Social ties are important for happiness. don't let a day go by without thinking of, or seeing, someone you love.
   
5. Try to get in touch with nature every day. Take a walk in the park and spend a few minutes looking at nature.
   
6. Express your gratitude and respect for the good things you experience. Being thankful makes you happy and increases the chance of social connection.

I can't wait to see what Byron Katie: Suffering is Optional has in store for me! Just as soon as I finish reading Zen and the Art of Happiness ♥

It's always 4:20 in Heaven

Shopping with Hannah

It looked like any other trip across town, by myself, on a mission (Hayden has suddenly outgrown all three pairs of pants he owns!). Goodwill extends their goodwill beyond the closing times of the noncorporate thrift stores, so that's where I landed ♥ I quickly gathered boy clothes (misjudging his size/store organization, he'll be wearing these shorts for the rest of his life!) and wandered the rest of the place.

I was happily quiet inside my own head, truly enjoying the peace of thoughtlessness (and you thought that was a bad thing!), when I stumbled across these super amazing Bratz slippersJust the reminder I needed! Indeed, Hannah was right with me, even in Goodwill, even when I had let myself believe she was really and truly gone.
I'll think of her always when I see pink skater punk shoes I never had the chance to buy for her...I can hear the Barbie shoe conversation! She'd pretend they were her penultimate shoe, I'd roll my eyes and wonder aloud how it is that I ended up with such a girly-girl, she'd insist I get them for her, I would put them in the cart, she'd giggle and tell me she really did hate them as much as me, she just wanted to see if I'd concede and get them for her. We'd laugh and hug. And put them back on the shelf, where they belong ::bg::These are cool monkey slippers, though they're not the Best Slippers in the Whole Wide World, my kids gave those to me years ago -- Jack and Sally :) Everytime I put them on, I'd exclaim what a perfect gift they were and both kids would roll their eyes "you say that every time!" -- because everytime it's true!! Ultimately, I found the best of both our worlds: Cherries & Hello Kitty ♥ It was good to practice being with her in this new state of awareness... finding the Hannah in the moments I thought I'd lost forever. She sure is a cheaper date this way ♥

I miss my kid

There it is. As unaccustomed as I may be, I am SAD. Really, deeply, uncomfortably sad. Now, I expected to be sad; sad that Hannah died, sad that I didn't have more time, sad in the moment of loss, sad in the vacuum she left behind. What I didn't expect was 2 years later to miss her with every cell of my being. Not in a regretful way, in a right-here, right-now, I want her with me kinda way.
Stuffing my sadness has done me no favors, I'm living like an ostrich with my head in the sand, to hide from the sadness I don't want to feel, hiding from sadness I don't know what to do with, hiding from sadness I don't understand. So I separate myself. From Scotty, from my friends, from the community -- I don't know how anyone else can understand and accept the part of me I cannot understand nor accept. And I just don't know when a Sadness Attack is gonna sneak up on me and I just can't go around snotty-nosed and bawling in public; nor can I stuff it anymore!!!
The leak began a few days ago when I was watching a Chefography of Rachel Ray... from her childhood photos, it was easy to see the progression to the woman she is today. I could see Hannah's picture from my perch and it was easy to imagine her as a gangly teen and a blossoming young woman. Then there's Dreadlock Boy (Jason Castro) on American Idol, who mentioned that as a young boy he remembers most people commenting on his eyes. Hannah would so relate to this young man, with his hispanic heritage and light eyes, just like her! And I cry... I cry that she's not next to me on the sofa, her 11.5 year old Self, enjoying with me the things that make me think of her.
I miss her eyebrows and the chicken pox scar at the edge of her left brow. I miss her fingernails. I miss her hair, tickling my face when I hug her. I miss buying her cute clothes. I miss having mother/daughter excursions. I miss being her mama. I miss her mumblings as she sleeps next to me. I miss the smell of her sweaty, new-puppy scented head. I miss her voice, telling me what a good mommy I am.
I told Scotty. A confession of immense magnitude. An explanation of where I am and why. And I cry. I open my phone and call upon Amy's music --not to soothe me, to commiserate with me. I cried my way through Grieve and Wide Sky Life, not yet ready to hear Exactly (though I know there's more Truth in that song than in any sacred text on this planet).
You've not heard from me because I'm busy crying. You may not hear from me for a while because I'm busy crying. I shall be at peace with my sadness, I shall learn to live cooperatively with the sadness in my heart. I don't need Sadness to leave, per se, I need Peace to come and give Sadness context and purpose. (maybe the context and purpose have to come first...)
Nothing much to be/can be done, but to move to yet another place of acceptance in my own Self.
That is the hardest job I've ever had as a human being called diana.

Elton & Hillary

Honestly, I don't know for whom I'm going to vote, come November. I was really, really hoping for someone to represent *me* -- see, I'm all hung up on the Constitution when in fact I'm about 10 generations past anyone who gave a rat's ass about Constitutional Rights (hence, Generation X). Short of that, I'm looking to throw my vote (one that doesn't even count, thanks Electoral College & FOX News, bawk, bawk) behind someone who may not further erode what measly rights I have left.
Here and now, though, I want to write about Hillary Clinton, the bane of my motherhood instinct. Personally, I feel a vote for Hillary is a vote for bottle-feeding and stranger care while mama follows her political path, far more important and fulfilling than full-time motherhood. It takes a tribe indeed, though the tribe should include Mommy and not replace her.
That said, I think Hill's intelligent and capable, she'd probably do a great job as president (if she were actually allowed to do anything within the Good Ol' Boys Network). And, she's a fellow Elton fan. Who could fault that? Certainly not me ♥
Here comes my next quandary... Elton is gay. Full-on Lover of Men. The Queen of England ♥ He and David are legally married in the eyes of the (other) Queen. How does my Boy reconcile singing for 1) a woman for whom he cannot vote, 2) a politician who has yet to clearly state her belief in Relationship Equality (stating if the voters want it is not enough, IMnsHO)

-=-I just gotta say, our founding fathers would laugh and laugh and laugh at silly amendments like Women's & Citizens of Color's Right to Vote -- the language of the Constitution was meant to include all HUMAN BEINGS in America -- 'man=human, 'men=humen-=-

Is Elton working to convince Hillary that all should have the same rights as he and David? Is he singing to show Hillary's acceptance? Did she recruit him to show-without-admission her acceptance of their lifestyle? to show her support of him as a human being on his own journey? I dunno, though it doesn't sit well with me...
Is she a hypocrite? or has she changed her mind without announcement? is it a political ploy? (is everything a political ploy?? -sob-)
Lots of meditation (& The Daily Show) ahead of me...

Unconscious Mutterings

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Silence :: What?
   
2. Wall :: Another brick...
   
3. Killed :: Dead-Dead
   
4. Wishful :: Thinking
   
5. Poodle :: #2 Biter
   
6. Sullen :: Pout
   
7. Do not disturb :: No Moleste!
   
8. Philadelphia :: Freedom, shine on me. I love ya, shine the light, through the eyes of the ones left behiiiind.... (I ♥ Elton)
   
9. Anticipation :: Heinz Ketchup
   
10. Sidewalk :: Sign