The Last Straw

Sandra's got this great story about her sister calling to complain about her kids. Every report became the last straw. Sandra quickly realized her sister needed to unload her straw. One cannot live in a constant state of last straw. My family has been on the last straw with me for a really long time. I just realized. In the middle of the most amazing Mother's Day massage, alas I digress... I've been defensive, a lot. I resist judgment by holding my own judgments before me as defense. Ick. I sit in the corner with my I am NOT like you! banner waving all around in people's faces while they're trying to eat and maybe actually relate to one another. There's a really cool chick in the movie below. Too bad my family never gets to see her. Why not? I'd be pissed off if I was related to someone as cool as me and all I ever saw of her was her (fear driven) tongue-clucking, condescending, judging side. Where is my Bodhicitta for the family? Can my heart not expand to include them all? To include myself among them? To seek to create a peaceful existence with one another, to love and support one another on our individual journeys? It seems in too many ways we've become the grownups I remember from Great Gramma's house. Always sniping and bitching, yelling and insulting, judging and clucking. Not exactly what the fates had in mind for our family's legacy, I'm sure. Joanna, I'm sorry your wedding became a last straw for me. I'm sorry I was pissy when I should have been loving. Be glad I kept my ickiness at home and rest assured it's the chick in the film who's coming to your wedding. I'm glad I was missed. Jason, I'm impressed you come here to read. I can only hope that means you miss me as much as I miss you. I didn't used to be like this. You remember. And the rest of ya, well, I'm back when you'll have me. I'm taking a deep breath of courage to step up and be authentic. I'm a pretty cool chick, still.

I'd rather be the master who Lives the Life, than the hypocrite who preaches it.
I've got some more voices to fire...

Reconciliation

I think that's what I should deem this emergence process I'm in. I'm reconciling how the mama who knows, espouses and believes all the reality of freedom, has found herself so stressed out by the current living situation (AH! I need to paint my feet with the Henna I have left over from Life is Good!! **whew!**) that I'd prefer to limit my son than evoke the wrath of George (who blames his pain). Which causes a huge ripple in my reality, obviously in the reality of my entire universe. I so look forward to having a kitchen right where my kid is. To be in proximity. To be present. Reconcile that the woman deeply in love with Scotty is not open to him. To make that okay. To know that my emergence includes intimacy. There's not a fix. There's not a help-through. There just is. And even this is whole complete and perfect, in the scope of the evolution of diana. I gotta know that I can work through the tears. The memories will stay. I can enjoy them instead of being tortured by them. The happy girl can be sad, really really fecking sad. AND she can still be diana. AND she's still fragile. AND she's screaming to be released. and I am so glad to know I'm not alone. I am better today. I've got a few more % available, and I'm givin' it all! I gotta rock and roll. I gotta represent. Not because I gotta, because I choose to be authentic. I choose to quiet the evil chatter (volume control for now, pink slips when I'm better rehearsed). I welcome my team. C'mon girls, there's wine and boxes and Gwen Stefani ::bg:: Mary even gets a glass in my head ;) I am loved. I am Love. Life is Good. Amen.

Welcome

I realize that to throw my arms wide open to receive my bounty, welcoming and grateful... I catch it all. I welcome the manifestation of the tough things too. I choose to focus my energy now on accepting what IS and creating a NOW filled with blessings.
I'm gonna watch the Secret my own self. Some crazy insight awaits.

Packing ahoy!

I'm peeing on this page!

This is mine. MY blog. My thoughts. There's a huge disclaimer at the top of the page, please read it now:
My internal ramblings, the Soul's Ponderings on becoming diana... read ahead with love, compassion & a willingness to have a deep, sick sense of humor about what it means to be me.
Do you understand? No? you're excused. Yes? Great! welcome to the journey. I have another blog. It's family-focused and family-friendly: hannahbearski.blogspot.com In fact, it was created because of family's uproar over what they read at Nani Moon. The internet is a big wide open place, I have not compelled you to read here (unless you count my magnetic personality ::g:: **back to seriousness now), you are not forced to peek into my head. I know that what's inside me is not always pretty. If you've known me (even solely via this blog) for more than three days, chances are you know that too.
Even if you ask really nice, I will not censor myself here. Not any more than I already do. Ooooh did tempers flare and poison spew. Aw man! Further proof of our humanity. I have no malice in my heart nor in my writings. I highly recommend thesecret.tv, it may shift (or enforce) your perspective of my blog. And the whole wide universe too.
I saw a Blogger's creed the other day... I googled it to see what's out there. I found two and I really like them both and think they speak well for me.
School of Thought: Blogger's credo: I don't maintain a blog to entertain the masses. I'm not trying to sway public opinion. I don't care if you disagree with me. In fact, I'm counting on the fact that you will. I'm not a politician so I don't need your vote. Read at your own risk.
Ryan Block: blogger credo: be real

It's a conspiracy! They're reading my mind!

~~~

Gemini: You might feel as if someone has lit a fuse beneath you,propelling you into a busier social life. Mars is activating your 11th House of Community, pushing you into activities with groups and organizations. This can, however, present a dilemma,for you may have to balance your own individual needs with those of friends and associates.If you juggle everything right, this will prove to be a fun and productive time.Tarot.com

~~~

Not everything is black-and-white -- how monochrome and boring would that be? If you remember that, your day will go much more smoothly. Remind yourself of that if you encounter any ambiguity. It'll sort itself out. Astrology.com

oh that Smarty Dodd!

I was gonna send another note to Marty's Mom, then I realized having his wisdom immortalized here serves more than just me and his mom, both of whom are thoroughly convinced of his ultimate coolness already & mayhap there's a folk or two who need reminding of what our youngsters have to offer us... Marty's really good at reminding me of that very thing!
You may remember he gave me the amazing mantra "You are the Alpha and the Omega" when dealing with Hayden's frustrations. I also made the "Witty and Charming" comment to him last month, you see it worked!
He called me yesterday (it's always such a treat!) to garner some advice on feeling *marginalized* by his Love. Just (like the very moment) as I was dealing with Scooty having the same feelings!! Curse those gods! This is the smack to the head they loooove to deal out to me! This time, I turned the other cheek (took it like a 'man) and told him of his commiseration opportunity with Scotty (whom he can't wait to meet!). I gave him the most flattering crazy girl perspective I could and he gave me the sad guy in love version. We're both alike in that talking to other folks gives us back our own wisdom - he wasn't even offended that I admitted I was talking to myself and not to him, then thanked him for listening - not the mentoring experience I expected, much to my pleasant surprise!
Tonight, because he really really loves me, he followed up... (my comments in italics)
M: Is everything with scott peachy again?
D: Most definitely on the right path! tytytyty!! ILY!! <3
M: Super cool boyfriend is super cool once again. My work here is done.
D: Thanks AAJ (above average joe, super hero at large) My HERO -swooning-
M: No ma'am, thank you
(notice the manners, the appropriate apostrophe and comma usage... must be all that discipline at home :::vbg:::)

~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥

Just goes to show that even on days when I play with the idea of having a serious mental defect, I realize my heart is in the right place and my soul is fulfilling it's purpose and my relatives are those to whom I can relate and to whom I'm related in a deep universal sense... now to get my head outta my ass once again (quick before it gets comfy!) and return to the ever-popular diana's life as the happiest chick in the whole world. Amen.

Aaaaah, the stars

Gemini: The harmoniously aspected Aries Moon energizes your life and can help you reap the benefits of recent changes. You need to be with your friends today, for they can reflect your current excitement. Share your eagerness, but don't get so distracted by your anticipation that you cannot enjoy the moment as it happens. Tarot.com
~Watch your mouth or you could find yourself in hot water. It's hard to control the impulse to blurt out the first thing that crosses your mind, but give it the old college try. Someone else's example shows you the way. Astrology.com

The Secret Me

Whew! Did last night's rage wake me up! I've awakened into the midst of a really dark icky time to be diana... diana the victim: victim to mean ol' George; victim to insipid Susan; victim to Mitch's mean, horrible family; victim to my OWN awful relatives (and those married to them); victim to my own depression, victim to those damned voices who've decided to hold a reunion in my head...
Mama ain't happy.
That's what it is.
Inside, I'm cold and lonely and confused... and thinking everyone is right - I am a faker!
Outside, I'm a cold-fish bitch ready to distract you with my Rage, so you don't notice my fragility...
According to The Four Agreements, one can only be offended by another's comments if one agrees with the comments. It is in the Agreement where the conflict lies. It is the struggle between our life-long Agreements we've made for our own domestication and protection versus our internal sense of Highest Right (borrowing a bit of Richard Bach) for our Soul's Purpose.
I'm not like my family. Oh wouldn't it have been easy to just perpetuate the shitty parenting and hypocritical traditions of our Family. I coulda done all those will-breaking, spirit-squashing, disrespectful, inhumane things they all get off criticizing me for not doing (CIO, shaming, slapping, spanking - not to mention a refusal to breastfeed and ritual genital mutilation for sons)

Instead I set out on a path of evolution. To create something yet unseen in our genetic history (at least by us - I don't believe for one minute that I made this up, I know it came from somewhere!). I've always known status quo doesn't work for me... I need something new and different at regular intervals in my life; boredom sets in all too easily. As I volunteer to travel down unseen paths, Life does me a favor by providing lots of said paths for me to travail. Most times, I don't mind, well, at least some part of me doesn't mind and thrills in the gifts my paths bring to me. I get to do lots of things no one else gets to do AND I get to do it in ways no one else thought of. The everyday stuff can't be done the regular way, either... If I'm willing to be adventurous with my own Soul, wouldn't I bring my entrusted Souls along for a wild ride?? They did choose to surround me, afterall :) I'm glad they don't seem to mind and when they do mind, *gasp* they can tell me about it.
Today, I will sit. I will focus on this picture (evolution of consciousness), opening my chakras to move the raging energy from my Root chakra to the Crown, where enlightenment works.
Enlightenment. The God-Voice in Conversations with God asserts it's called enlightenment because we're meant to lighten up!! Today I will find a source of humor in this situation. Humor, not at the expense of others, not in judgment, in lightening my own Self. Now I'm gonna go cry, if I can... mayhap that shall soothe my tortured soul.

LIFE is Good, the movie

Yeah, Craig rocks! In fact, he rocked me right outta my pissiness... well who can be pissy with me in striped Hanna jammies, dancing in my LOW shirt, not to mention with pipecleaners in my hair, surrounded by my faaaaav-o-rite little people? Not me! and I bet not you either!

If you missed his Live and Learn movie, check it out! (requires quicktime) He and Scooty are the only two people I've met who know this obscure Icelandic band playing the hauntingly beautiful theme.

Dear Anonymous,

I'm feeling just pissy enough to take you on today!
(like really, really pissy!! *Consider yourself warned*)

I hate anonymous comments. I allow them, because I know what a PITA Blogger is to some folks who don't want a profile. I still expect you to accept credit for your words and sign your name. Be impeccable with your word. Say it because YOU need it said, not 'cause you're a chicken shit. (you've got an identifiable IP addy, I know who you are!)

On to the issue at hand:
Anonymous said...(on Saturday's post about FRIDAY night's baseball game)

"Iam glad you and your son had a good time but I think you forgot a very important day for J. She is very hurt that her "sister" didn't come to her shower."

I didn't forget J's day, I told her my son needed me at the exact moment she called. When he was fine, I was happily distracted by a brand new baby and a very tired new mommy. Babes before Brides, that's my new motto. So hey, let's hash it out...
Especially as I do harbor some ickiness towards the whole J's very important day thing. Okay, fine, I admitted it.
I wanted her in my wedding - her family didn't come to Vegas. My Goddess, I wouldn't have survived parenthood, let alone widowhood (esp the first few years), without our J... our family can never repay the Gift her presence to us. My children really and truly consider her their Aunt, not mommy's cousin. I heard of her engagement moments after it happened, we were ecstatic for her, for them. Imagine my shock, surprise and bruised feelings when she announced her attendants -- not me! I did get offered a shitty bouncer job, which I happily refused. My kid didn't get offered any job, not even a shitty one. Yeah, I breathe deep and listen to the wedding plans. I know I don't want my shittiness to dim the joy and the glow of D and B's only daughter's wedding. So I don't bring it. Which this week, means I don't bring me. I'm full of shittiness lately and it sucks. Be glad I didn't come to share.
I don't know what the answer is. I plan to show up and have a great time at a wedding I really do want to celebrate. I will avoid the H-family table, as there always seems to be a bounty of perfect-life critics there, waiting to pounce on my next imagined opportunity to embarrass the family (yeah, I know what was said at T's wedding - and, well, next time leave your shittiness at home) Or maybe I'll find myself overwhelmed by my own shame at being "never good enough," maybe I'll find I'm unwilling to subject my son to the same-said crazies, maybe it'll all be just fine and all this aarrgghh is for naught.
Maybe someday, I'll have my sister back... that will be a very happy day.