The Secret Me

Whew! Did last night's rage wake me up! I've awakened into the midst of a really dark icky time to be diana... diana the victim: victim to mean ol' George; victim to insipid Susan; victim to Mitch's mean, horrible family; victim to my OWN awful relatives (and those married to them); victim to my own depression, victim to those damned voices who've decided to hold a reunion in my head...
Mama ain't happy.
That's what it is.
Inside, I'm cold and lonely and confused... and thinking everyone is right - I am a faker!
Outside, I'm a cold-fish bitch ready to distract you with my Rage, so you don't notice my fragility...
According to The Four Agreements, one can only be offended by another's comments if one agrees with the comments. It is in the Agreement where the conflict lies. It is the struggle between our life-long Agreements we've made for our own domestication and protection versus our internal sense of Highest Right (borrowing a bit of Richard Bach) for our Soul's Purpose.
I'm not like my family. Oh wouldn't it have been easy to just perpetuate the shitty parenting and hypocritical traditions of our Family. I coulda done all those will-breaking, spirit-squashing, disrespectful, inhumane things they all get off criticizing me for not doing (CIO, shaming, slapping, spanking - not to mention a refusal to breastfeed and ritual genital mutilation for sons)

Instead I set out on a path of evolution. To create something yet unseen in our genetic history (at least by us - I don't believe for one minute that I made this up, I know it came from somewhere!). I've always known status quo doesn't work for me... I need something new and different at regular intervals in my life; boredom sets in all too easily. As I volunteer to travel down unseen paths, Life does me a favor by providing lots of said paths for me to travail. Most times, I don't mind, well, at least some part of me doesn't mind and thrills in the gifts my paths bring to me. I get to do lots of things no one else gets to do AND I get to do it in ways no one else thought of. The everyday stuff can't be done the regular way, either... If I'm willing to be adventurous with my own Soul, wouldn't I bring my entrusted Souls along for a wild ride?? They did choose to surround me, afterall :) I'm glad they don't seem to mind and when they do mind, *gasp* they can tell me about it.
Today, I will sit. I will focus on this picture (evolution of consciousness), opening my chakras to move the raging energy from my Root chakra to the Crown, where enlightenment works.
Enlightenment. The God-Voice in Conversations with God asserts it's called enlightenment because we're meant to lighten up!! Today I will find a source of humor in this situation. Humor, not at the expense of others, not in judgment, in lightening my own Self. Now I'm gonna go cry, if I can... mayhap that shall soothe my tortured soul.