Today's Quote

It's a message... I went to Amazon and on my front page was Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul by Richard Bach. I'm poking around and click on "surprise me":

You chose us for you teachers?
We chose you, too!
You care about what you're learning?
We care, too!
You think we're in your life because you love us?
Can't you understand?
We love you, too!

It's in the Stars

Gemini: An unexpected development is really a fairy godmother wearing a cleverly impenetrable disguise. When you think about it, it dawns on you that not only is this what you really wanted all along, it's exactly what you need. (midco)
Gemini: Relief is arriving in the form of temporary freedom. Of course, you may never feel as free as you ultimately wish, but at least now some of the overbearing restrictions are lifting. Don't misuse this newfound gift by frittering your time away. If you can stay as focused as you were when the pressure was on, you'll accomplish more than you thought possible. (tarot.com)

Scotty who???

Alrighty, I'll tell the tale :)
I *found* him months ago on MySpace, he and I were the only non-spousal friends for Mel and Eric. I sent him a funny message about how I know how fussy they are about choosing friends and if he and I are on the list, then we should probably know each other. What I've come to know is he is Eric's buddy since adolescence, Scotty likes to say he gave Eric away at his wedding to Mel. Mel only had her wedding pictures to show me... from 12 years ago! We've been shooting little messages at each other, little flirtatious, but not really moving towards meeting, until...
He recently returned from a wild adventure in Europe and came home with lots of pictures. I told him I want to see the slide show before I move away, which lit a fire under both our asses. We met at a Wumpus concert (which I missed!) and he is the author of the "box of crayons" comment ♥ We did the slide show as our second meeting (when do they actually become dates?), which included a lot of coffee and a lot of wine, all on an empty stomach! Of course, I was so excited to be out with an adult male, I think I was dianaX1000 that night! We've yet to finish his tour pictures, but we've had wonderful touching times together... really, truly a sweet, sweet man!
He's the drummer in his band and he plays guitar :) He's tuned both our guitars and has inspired Hayden to start his own band (even offered to loan him equipment if he needs). Hayden and I will be attending an all-ages show later this month and in the meanwhile we'll listen to our Wumpus CD and enjoy his company as he's available... I'm glad he's here now, divinely timed!

Sweetheart

Another good reason for the DVR? Postponing my fantasy life for a real one! Monday night, we ordered pizza and were well blessed with another visit from Scotty. Distracting him, once again, from homework and sleep for an evening of Jenner Family Madness :::bg::: At the moment he arrived, the Boy and I were in the midst of some turmoil, which was hard to hold on to with our jovial company. We even got to all schlep out in the midst of a beautiful, fluffy snowstorm to hit the grocery store. In the parking lot, we saw a jeep with a "Life is good" wheel cover on the back; Hayden and I stood near it so Scott could take our picture :) 'twas very fun, with lots of laughter! He even sent a message after, "I just want to say that you and H are absolutely wonderful; it's amazing to watch the two of you interact... Sleep in peace tonight :)" I get this kind of wonderful text messages from him regularly, wishes for warm wonderful days and for peaceful sleep. I tell ya, he's a sweetheart!
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It's just plain strange to begin dating someone days before VD rolls around... there's so much societal pressure over this silly hallmark holiday (especially considering San Valentin was a priest!). Mayhap we'll just pretend the day is another ordinary day and celebrate tomorrow (have I mentioned how much I love 1/2 price chocolates?). I'm thinking an ATC is an appropriate Valentine gift... maybe I'll even stay up now and make him one :) He's waking up for work, right this minute, so I sent him a message, asking him to be my Valentine... his immediate response? Of course I will ;)

The Good Aunt

My niece, Brittany, loves to be at my house. The largest appeal is that it's not her house, the second appeal is the seemingly limitless electronic options and a lack of punishment mentality.
I've spent some inordinate amount of time being stuck in negativity about this... then it was the memories of time spent in my aunts' homes, how that experience shaped me, that began my shift in perspective.
There is some angst in her relationship with Hayden. He loves having her around, truly enjoys having a playmate, but the school-think and the authoritarian family models she brings along are foreign to him and frustrate him greatly. An example, we were making Challah french toast
on Saturday and Brittany moved the frying pan and it burned Hayden's arm (unfortunately I was in the potty). She immediately denied burning him (aaarrgghh, the Blame Game) and he insisted he was, indeed, burned! Hayden was pretty worked up. I first took care of the burn, cool, running water helps all kinds of stresses, while speaking calmly, soothingly about responsibility, accepting responsibility and not placing blame; how hard it is for Brittany, who thought she'd be in trouble, to just deal with what happened - her fear of punishment (being sent home, I assume, or worse, not being invited to return) was blocking her ability to acknowledge his injury and avail herself to compassion. I'm reassuring him (she's standing 10 feet away) that inside she does feel bad, it's an icky feeling to have caused injury to someone, especially someone you care about... there was this shift, as we moved to get a dishtowel we began joking about intentional harm vs accidental harm and how a tiny burn like that one is obviously an accidental type, if you're willing to risk trouble, you may as well go all out for that... the little stuff ain't worth the effort (spiritually or emotionally) that punishment entails. We were all laughing and having a great time, just moments after major trauma.
However, by late Saturday night (and with all the nuttiness rolling around my own Self) I was done having such intense interventions at each conflict between the two of them... (Guitar Hero: who can play on who's band and how many songs for each turn and how many attempts at completion) I did have to finally say that if they absolutely can't figure out a compromise and listen to one another instead of only speaking their own minds, Brittany would have to go home. I felt horrible, but I knew I had to set my own limits, already stretched far too thin. She fell asleep long before Hayden, which availed him for our snuggling :)
She also awoke before him, on Sunday, which availed her for some time with me. We talked about the upcoming conferences. She asked if she could come with us on our April trip. (Hayden asked the day before about her coming to L&L and I patiently explained that it wasn't kind to bring her to an unschooling conference, as she has no chance of ever being unschooled herself and she has little understanding of the principles by which we live... it would be free, yes, but it would be overwhelming both for her to be there and for her to return home. It feels a bit neener, neener, neener to me. Plus, I'm not willing to commit to the negotiation work required for her to be safe and for me to be comfortable in this setting. (It's quite enough that I'm stretching my comfort to include my mother ♥) I talked about the length of the trip and her ability to get along with Hayden in our small spaces... I also mentioned the additional expense and how I really can't afford to feed her on the road for a month, let alone a trip to Disneyland. Though housing and travel don't cost any more to have another person in the car, food adds up waaaaay quick, especially over three weeks. She's welcome to come (LIFE Is Good is a much smaller version of L&L and is in a hotel I've already scoped out), though I doubt her mother will let her have that much time & distance away, plus I don't know if they can afford it.
She hung out on the computer all afternoon, happy to be alone (I'm sure there's not much privacy at her house, either) while I went out for coffee with Tony. Sunday was far more peaceful than Saturday had been. She later turned down the opportunity to go out to dinner with her family, just to eat food she really didn't like, just so she could meet Scotty :::bg::: When they called again to say they were on their way to pick her up, she began to whine and I called out, "Please leave happily!!" She took a deep breath and did just that.
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When I got on the computer this morning, I noticed a light flashing on the printer... so I pushed the button and checked the que... there were many copies of a picture and just one other, so I canceled the copies and turned to the printer -- Oh Mon Dieu!! I'm now assured that Thai gay men just don't do it for me - eeeeeekkk!! Lots of deep breathing as I plan this conversation I'm gonna have to have with my Boy... I just can't grasp why he would go to these pages nor why he would print these pictures! I popped open the history list and quickly realized it was Brittany who had done this... I'm stopped in my tracks. I. Don't. Know. How. To. Deal. With. This. ::::deeeeeep breath:::: Trust. I guess I just gotta Trust that the wisdom I need will come to me at the moment I open this conversation.

Morton Salt Girl

Some days....

I finally got in touch with Tony yesterday, even honored with his presence for a few hours :) We planned to hang out at a coffeeshop, but many places were closed and the open shops were packed, so we got coffee to go, then drove around and talked. As always, it was amazing; comfortable and smooth.
Though, I was bi-polar the most of the day, either manic from lack of sleep and denial or depressed and ready for the marathon tear-fest that's a-comin' I knew either deep, full exhaustion or release were the options to getting a good night's sleep! And I just wasn't yet ready to cry it out...

I got back several books from him, including Illusions: The Tale of a Reluctant Messiah. While pondering sleep upon my return home, I picked it up and it opened to:

The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief
in injustice and tragedy.
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world,
the master calls a butterfly.

and as I ponder that thought and what it means to my grieving... I turn the page to:

Don't be dismayed at good-byes.
A farewell is necessary before you can meet again.
And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes,

is certain for those who are friends.

What amazing comfort, once again (as the book explains) from opening a book to a random page and finding the personal message contained therein. The book begins with a great story, including a great parable therein. The parable is about these creatures who cling because it's what they know; releasing and flowing with the current is unknown and surely dangerous, deadly even! One creature takes the risk, rolls with the current and sure enough, is beaten and banged as he seeks his way. Then he releases his emotional attachment to even that event and is amazingly lifted above the turmoil and is able to flow without obstacle. As he begins to share his journey, with those who can make the same choice as easily has he did, just let go, his message is missed as folks are more interested in the miracle of his freedom than the lessons of the easy possibility their own freedoms. He is made a messiah. Beautiful story; the rest of the book is equally amazing and filled with infinite wisdom. I read this book a few times a year for the past 16 years; ever since my amazing friend Dave Reed gave me a Richard Bach collection for my birthday... thanks!
I pulled out of my reverie to make another delicious dinner. For Hannah, we had Alfredo pasta with chicken. Hayden jumped right in to the kitchen work; *just* like his daddy, loves to cook!
Drummer boy even came over to enjoy the bounty :) He also brought along some Iowa cigarettes (which he did feel guilty for bringing to me on such a monumental day, maybe he should have brought something more life affirming - but he did! himself) as well as some mama beer and, most importantly, great Soulful Comfort. Too bad he works ungodly hours, we coulda lounged on my bed for many more hours... it was aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhsome! I sent Illusions home with him to read :)
I was feeling peaceful and ready to get that much needed, restful sleep...
I got to wake up to a sweet text message and a happy, happy back-to-nights Boy :) Ya know, between the weird transition periods of understanding (which is really what grieving is, innnit?) there are these bright shiny joyful happy periods... for all of them I am grateful; today, however, I'm mostly grateful for the ones that feel good. ♥
helps that the moon tide has arrived... gonna clip my nails before putting the Keeper back in, however - ow!

I'm still awake...

aarrgghh!! I've had the damnedest time getting sleep this week, tossing and turning... that fecking cat keeps poking at me when she knows I'm upset... Hayden's actually asleep before me :) - about an hour ago. He came into my room around 2, surprised I was still awake, just to check on me ♥ When he saw that I was sad, I reminded him that today is that one day at Spezia's, ya know, when we had to take Hannah to the doctor? He gave me a really big, REAL hug. We snuggled for a bit (thinking we may pass out together in my bed - you can see the tv from there = appealing to the Boy) and I realize how physical I was with Hannah and how I haven't been with Hayden... til now ;) He didn't like my bed, so we switched to *Daddy's Chair* but alas, it's been a mighty long while since the days I could sleep in a la-z-boy with both my kids!! We were really cramped, but snuggling in Mitch's chair with Hannah's blankie was great therapy for us both, no complaints :) I actually watched him fall asleep, got up quietly and smoothly, tucked him back in and have been wondering what the heck to do with myself ever since...
Honestly, it feels like if I start to cry I'm not gonna stop...
and if I don't cry, I'm not gonna get sleep...

My Keeper

Oh yeah! I'm doin the Happy Dance!! I got mine yesterday, just in time for this month's moon!! I heard of the concept of The Keeper (Diva Cup, Moon Cup) first on the motheringdotcommune; fascinating, for those wooo wooo hippie types of whom I'm not crunchy enough to count myself among. It was only available on the internet and I began saying, when I can walk in a store and buy it from the shelf, then I'll have one. Karen has one; last summer when we were both bleeding at the Folk Fest, I was out of organic supplies and had to use gas station tampons for the weekend and she just kept dumping her cup!! Hmmmmm, rayon on the cervix or natural rubber in the 'gina? (not to mention the whole "no trash" thing is appealing!) I increased the intensity of my request to the universe. Last Friday, Eli and I were shopping at East Dakota and viola! there they were!! (which led to another of those cool conversations with Eli) They're stocking Size B (no vaginal birth), to see how they sell.... I ordered my Size A (post vaginal birth) and encouraged them to have this size, as women often learn about The Keeper from other mamas. For the first time in a while, I'm actually excited to get my moon time!!

breast - The Original White Milk

Mine was tinted sky blue, by the way, with a delicious yellowish cream (when separated, when homogenized - by shaking - it appeared white).
I remember Sandra's was much creamier white than mine, I mostly saw her colostrum.
Gramma Bunnie said blue milk kills babies, that's why her doctor told her not to breastfeed. All human milk has a bluish tint; though diet really affects taste, color and scent. Women who eat lots of curry have milk that looks and smells like curry :) Kangaroo milk is hot pink.

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A Lactivist mama in Ohio was asked by the National Pork Board was asked to C&D from selling t-shirts reading, The Other White Milk. The C&D was fine, but their comments:

In addition, your use of this slogan also tarnishes the good reputation of the National Pork Board's mark in light of your apparent attempt to promote the use of breastmilk beyond merely for infant consumption, such as with the following slogans on your website in close proximity to the slogan "The Other White Milk." "Dairy Diva," "Nursing, Nature's Own Breast Enhancement," "Eat at Mom's, fast-fresh-from the breast," and "My Milk is the Breast."

On behalf of everyone involved with the babyhood of the author of this comment: I'm so sorry you were deprived of the loving connection your mother's milk would have provided for you. I only hope you are able to heal and realize the deep necessity for the promotion of this relationship for the future of our planet.

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Funny addendum to this story:
While showing Eli the blog updates, we began discussing the whole Pork Board issues, breastfeeding... ya know all the weirdness! Trisha (Eli's sister - 25 weeks pregnant) calls because today she noticed a wet spot on her bra; upon checking her breasts, she squeezed a nipple and clear fluid came out. They're working!!! They're gearing up to feed our newest baby pickle!!

"The Secret" Playdate

I had a surprise of a good time this afternoon!! I had my space invaded by toddlers for the very first time! We moms planned to watch The Secret episode of Oprah, and were lucky to be able to pause and discuss various pieces of the puzzle. The compare/contrast/melding with "What the Bleep?" was fun, too. I had the most fun talking to and hanging out with the babies. They were so excited to discover Patches on my bed, then for the freedom to play in there and jump freely on the bed! Meemers especially loved it when Patches "said meow" when she petted her :) Prairie even had the honor of entering Hayden's domain and get an up-close peek at his cool game :) She told me that she loves Isaac and Hayden, they're her boyfriends! Later, it was so sweet to see her snuggle under my blankets with Isaac :)

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Sometimes I really do feel disconnected, bubble-wrapped and distanced but it sure seems like going through the motions isn't a terrible thing.
When I manage to get my head outta this crazy mourning fog, we'll rejoin for Bleep and The Secret! It was very fun...