They...

They may see the good you do
as self serving.
Continue to do good.

They may see your generosity
as grandstanding.
Continue to be generous.

They may see your warm
and caring nature as a weakness.
Continue to be warm and caring.

For you see, in the end,
it is between you and God.
It never was between you
and them anyway.

what the hell am I doing??

Ever had one of those days?? one of those lives?? I just wonder what exactly I was thinking (or drinking?!) when I signed up for *this* life!! Yeah, yeah, yeah maybe it isn't a manifestation of my soul, but that thought really does ring True, that *I* indeed am my universe's master of ceremonies and *I* do bring to the surface what needs to be seen, touched, felt, examined, catagorized, analyzed and understood... Why? is the googleplex dollar question. Somewhere I thought I needed a boyfriend who doesn't quite *get* me? I thought it would be a great idea to raise my kid in poverty, cause I'd rather hang out with him than have a meaningless job for more money? What the hell, throw in marrying a guy who's gonna die on me and whatthehell, how about you have a kid you're perfectly matched to parent and let her die, too? God is insane. That's the conclusion. Like a, like, well, I can't think of what it's like exactly, cause there's nothing else like this situation in the whole of the universe (and I know this because if there were, I would never feel so alone)... God does sometimes enjoy the Moses on the throne image, sitting there, bemused and we mere mortals and our self-created insanity (or is that God induced?) search and search and search for meaning where I seriously doubt any exists in the first place -- for the sick amusement of our future selves? Surely not just to have something to do until we can achieve nirvana and understand it all in hindsight. Maybe the meaning is right here, right here inside me and I'm too much of a fucking chicken to acknowledge it (pretty close to the Truth -- I know cause I didn't like thinking it, let alone typing it)... aarrgghh, but not really.
Today's actually a great day. I'm gonna be a very pretty bridesmaid next month. I noticed I actually have tan lines! (okay, they're beige lines, but it's a color change!!) Hayden's happily enjoying some Eli time. I got a good night's sleep. It's the third day of my cycle and the flood is abating. The moon is growing larger and larger and soon we'll get to see her whole face!
I think I'll scrounge up a buzz and maybe some make-out time... the questions will still be here and the answers will still be mysteries, but I'll have a big-ol' shit eatin' grin on my face!

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are very passionate and quite temperamental. While you can be moody, you always crave comfort. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You believe that people see you for how you are, not how you look. But deep down, you know that's not exactly true. Your near future is still unknown, and a little scary. You'll get through wild times - and you'll textually enjoy it. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

The trick is to keep breathing...

She's not the kind of girl

Who likes to tell the world

About the way she feels about herself

She takes a little time in making up her mind

She doesn't want to fight against the tide

And lately I'm not the only one

I say never trust anyone

Always the one who has to drag her down

Maybe you'll get what you want this time around

Can't bear to face the truth

So sick he cannot move

And when it hurts he takes it out on you

And lately I'm not the only one

I say never trust anyone

Always the one who has to drag her down

Maybe you'll get what you want this time around

The trick is to keep breathing [x2]

She knows the human heart

And how to read the stars

Now everything's about to fall apart

I won't be the one who's going to let you down

Maybe you'll get what you want this time around

I won't be the one who's going to let you down

Maybe you'll get what you want this time around

The trick is to keep breathing [x7]

Saturday morning...

as I stood outside my door, wondering how today will be, I got to hear bagpipes, sweet and lonely, floating through the morning light between the trees...

I read Anne Lamott as I waited for the computer to start up... "So when the seasons change, buckle up." and "You never know exactly where the knot is going to release, but usually, if you keep working with it, it will." -- It gives me great peace to know this woman exists, that someone else, lovable and courageous, is just as human and freaky as I am.

~
I'm off to a good start... Important because I moped yesterday. Didn't really think moping actually occurred, but it does, I now know. I left my bed and curled up on the sofa and watched DVR all stinkin day. Then I decided that just wasn't enough excitement for me, so I tried pissy for a while. Well, pretty much no reward for that kind of attitude. There are not a lot of places to go with pissiness, it's a shame, it's the least tolerated human emotion ::bg:: So, while my son was having a great time with his friend and my nephew, I escaped... I got to meet with the king and a fellow Gemini freak ::g:: vented a lot of my pissiness, then figured a couple of things out: 1) I pretty much deserve to be as pissy as I need to be, 2) I need to find people I can count on to be pissy with, without emotional consequences, 3) I need to retain my rational Self, to a certain degree, I have enough real stuff to cry about no need to make shit up or sweat the small stuff. I guess that's actually a few things, but my point is, I do feel better, both with my pissiness and my ability to reason it away, at my leisure.
~
I gonna meditate, then some bucklin' up! Summer's here!

In the stars for Thursday

Horoscope for: Thursday, June 22, 2006

Diana,

You might feel as if your hands are tied, preventing you from doing the work that's been assigned to you. Yet you are not willing to give up at this time, for you know that your persistence will pay off. Be careful not to assign blame to the apparent obstacles. Others may play antagonistic roles in your life, but in the long run, their presence will only make you stronger.

The stars align...

Horoscope for: Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Diana,

You might think that if you bring your hidden issues out into the open that the problems will begin to solve themselves. Unfortunately, this isn't the way it's working now, for what you say can have quite the opposite effect. Others may not understand your perspective and this can drive the unresolved issues even deeper. Be patient; don't push for a solution yet.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Okay, looks like I'm waiting to address the Hayden/Jeremy issue... Hayden was very excited to see Jeremy last night, I'm a-thinking the damage was minimal and that my son is far more forgiving and understanding than {gasp!} his mommy!
We are still in a new relationship, the honeymoon shouldn't be over yet!

National Pro Life Association

I just got a call... Actually they've called a lot lately and I've often wondered why they would have my name, so today I answered!

Caller: 'ello Mrs. Jeener, I'm Sebastian and a republican congressman has prepared a spiel about ending abortion on demand in the United States. Are you willing to listen to his 2 minute talk?

Me: Of course!

[huge spiel about roe v wade being forced upon our citizens by 9 non-elected government officials who will not determine that life begins at conception, as it would end, no wait, he said collapse, their pro-choice reign but science has determined that indeed that is when life begins and our courts need to recognize it, so will ya please send up at least $50 so we can end the killing of innocents in our country] Sebastian: So Mrs Jenner (got it right this time!) can we count on your support?
Me: Of course NOT! Sebastian: {sputter, sputter} of course not?? Why is that Mrs Jenner?
Me: Weeeeelllll, as the congressman is a MAN and will never have to face, at least in this lifetime, an unwanted or forced-upon pregnancy, I don't feel he's qualified in any sense to decide for women what to do in that situation. It's not any man's place to determine what may or may not happen between a woman and her doctor. I do consider myself pro-life, I like being alive and I think life is a glorious thing, but I will not stand between any woman and her right to exercise her free will.
Sebastian: uh, uh, uh, well, thanks for listening and have a great day, Mrs Jenner
Me: You, too, Sebastian.

Prickly 'men

A friend recently described herself as feeling "punchy" I wondered, only momentarily what that means... as suddenly I'm feeling a bit "punchy" myself! Is it the planetary alignment or lack thereof? Is it the waning moon bringing on yet another egg? Does it affect men directly or are they merely responding to the emotional effect it has on us women?
Last night, J was flipping thru the channels and settled upon Scary Movie; Hayden was fine for a few minutes, but did begin to panic about the time the girl faked death for the third time and the TV static began... Jeremy had no idea Hayden's background with this movie, nor The Ring (both horribly freaked him out!!) (not to mention that he may be just a bit sensitive to jokes about death at this point in his life!!) but the terror in the little boy's voice as he demanded the channel be changed was clear - to me. I wanted to shepherd him out of the house and he just wanted Jeremy to turn the channel, he didn't want to leave, he wanted to trust his friend to take away what was freaking him out; Jeremy wanted him to "ask nicely" for the channel to be changed and by golly he was gonna stand his ground! He eventually turned the channel, but not until things escalated into Hayden sobbing on the stairs, and he did so resentfully, grumbling about MY house and MY tv and teaching him manners and all this unschooling bullshit... I gave a mama bear low warning growl, Hey! it's my kid, a real-live being far more important than a movie. Soon the TV settled on Family Guy and the two boys were getting along again, but Jeremy still glowered at me from the corner...
After a really cool weekend, where he was incredibly supportive, his response was shocking and hurtful... I don't want to take it personally, I want to explain, eh, but I talk too damn much the way it is...
Walk the walk, if I want others to be more respectful of my kid, then I need to step up and model it. People -not things- are what's important in life. I'm glad he still knows he can count on me, but damn! grown-ups should be just that: Grown-Ups and stop the pissing matches with the young'n's - there's no easier nor quicker way to hurtin' a mama's heart. Aarrgghh!! :^p~~~~
I'm gonna be a great juggler someday.

today's forcast...

Diana,

Friends and associates have a lot to tell you now, but you might not want to hear what they have to say. There's no reason to be defensive, for even if you feel as if you are being criticized, they are probably just trying to be helpful. Being open to what you can learn about yourself today can make you more likeable.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~