what the hell am I doing??

Ever had one of those days?? one of those lives?? I just wonder what exactly I was thinking (or drinking?!) when I signed up for *this* life!! Yeah, yeah, yeah maybe it isn't a manifestation of my soul, but that thought really does ring True, that *I* indeed am my universe's master of ceremonies and *I* do bring to the surface what needs to be seen, touched, felt, examined, catagorized, analyzed and understood... Why? is the googleplex dollar question. Somewhere I thought I needed a boyfriend who doesn't quite *get* me? I thought it would be a great idea to raise my kid in poverty, cause I'd rather hang out with him than have a meaningless job for more money? What the hell, throw in marrying a guy who's gonna die on me and whatthehell, how about you have a kid you're perfectly matched to parent and let her die, too? God is insane. That's the conclusion. Like a, like, well, I can't think of what it's like exactly, cause there's nothing else like this situation in the whole of the universe (and I know this because if there were, I would never feel so alone)... God does sometimes enjoy the Moses on the throne image, sitting there, bemused and we mere mortals and our self-created insanity (or is that God induced?) search and search and search for meaning where I seriously doubt any exists in the first place -- for the sick amusement of our future selves? Surely not just to have something to do until we can achieve nirvana and understand it all in hindsight. Maybe the meaning is right here, right here inside me and I'm too much of a fucking chicken to acknowledge it (pretty close to the Truth -- I know cause I didn't like thinking it, let alone typing it)... aarrgghh, but not really.
Today's actually a great day. I'm gonna be a very pretty bridesmaid next month. I noticed I actually have tan lines! (okay, they're beige lines, but it's a color change!!) Hayden's happily enjoying some Eli time. I got a good night's sleep. It's the third day of my cycle and the flood is abating. The moon is growing larger and larger and soon we'll get to see her whole face!
I think I'll scrounge up a buzz and maybe some make-out time... the questions will still be here and the answers will still be mysteries, but I'll have a big-ol' shit eatin' grin on my face!