I'm a Grownup?

I'm awaiting the input of my inner sociologist on this situation... It's like I can't even get my own perspective, let alone change it. Though I know by Thursday afternoon, I'll be ready to advocate to everyone in the room that flagellation, while certainly a valid option, is perhaps not the best moving forward nor present in the moment incentive to use towards oneself. I want to stand there, knowing this not only through (plenty of) flagellation experience and the glorious experience of nudging down the shore toward Now Gratitude with helpful, respectful, honorable & kind SelfTalk.
I have a lot of practice in a destructive, and oh so self-fulfilled, conversation about my relationship with money. Granted, I am the queen of pulling it outta somewhere and there are certainly pay-offs to that skill. There is too, a tiring overuse of that skill. If the tiring overuse peak coincides with a period of reality withdrawal by me, there's gonna be financial consequences. Last month I donated a lot of money to Wells-Fargo via paid check fees. Then I got an "incentive" check, paid a few bills, shopped a bit and *poof* it was gone, too. We got another one, decided this one should be more fun (birthday, conference, company!!), scheduled an expensive haircut and got a call that our power had been turned off and I needed to come home and pay the bill *poof* that one's gone too. And we're back in the same hole we started in two weeks ago, or another painfully similar, certainly no closer to any kind of financial peace.
There's a full-on track of resentment about having this responsibility. I don't like it. I don't do it well. Ick. Ick. Ick. AAAACCCCCCKKKKK the conversation is just awful and though I know the situation is not going away, too I don't know what the Other, healthier conversation sounds like, feels like, lives like...
I see myself in my family's pattern, with a clarity for my parents I never had before. Partiers at payday, while paupers the days before and all too soon thereafter. They, too, owe their relationship with money to a reaction from their childhoods. Hayden's childhood is vastly healthier on so many levels, it's appropriate his family's relationship with money is healthy and joyous. That means me.
I want my chores as a responsible human being to be much like rearranging furniture. It's a big effort that may start out excited and giddy, becoming grumbly in the middle and then, through inertia, becomes exciting and fun again. The end result is a big one; controlled change. Wowee. Okay now you're done for a while. Bill shit, you gotta stay on top of that. Like knowing that your power bill is still being sent to the PO Box you never check and that is not an excuse for not acknowledging you owe them money anyway. And you still deserve your super cool new haircut and color. That is kicking my ass right now. Accepting what I've done and actually being joyful in that moment.
My first dream for winning the lottery is having a financial manager. Aaaaah that would be freedom. So somewhere between my financial genie and my uncomfortable flagellation lies the key to diana's joyous relationship with financial responsibility. Hell, with grownup responsibility as a whole ♥
And yes, I will be talking to lots of people about The Work next weekend... coincidence? ;)

psssst, Universe -
I want it all *and* an eyebrow wax!
pleaseandthankyouverymuch♥