or so I thought...
After investing lots of time and energy into an emotional trainwreck, I've withdrawn myself into the eye of the storm. So Chaos still reigns, though I've stopped the Rain of Chaos ♥ First, all of my feelings were vying for time in my head, where they stuffed my nose, throat, ears and chest, when they couldn't have my attention. As a good human, I stuffed even deeper still, so now my misery lives in my guts -- not a fun day!
With Lisa's transition just the day after Hannah's anniversary, I've not let myself feel what it is my soul is begging me to feel after losing my good friend. I simultaneously want to pull my still-living friends close to me and protect them from the boogie man called Death *and* I want to push them away so the pain is not so acute when they leave.
We spent Sunday afternoon with a local hs group and I met lots of really cool folk... and the inner commentary was filled with you're fine for lunch and meeting at the park, I don't think I want to invest any deeper here -- and NOT because I couldn't find 1,001 commonalities, because the pain of having dear friends and then *not* having dear friends is too too too much for my mind... (though obviously not for my heart and soul or destiny, it seems)
Y'all are gonna die and I don't like it, not one bit. Just so ya know.
After investing lots of time and energy into an emotional trainwreck, I've withdrawn myself into the eye of the storm. So Chaos still reigns, though I've stopped the Rain of Chaos ♥ First, all of my feelings were vying for time in my head, where they stuffed my nose, throat, ears and chest, when they couldn't have my attention. As a good human, I stuffed even deeper still, so now my misery lives in my guts -- not a fun day!
With Lisa's transition just the day after Hannah's anniversary, I've not let myself feel what it is my soul is begging me to feel after losing my good friend. I simultaneously want to pull my still-living friends close to me and protect them from the boogie man called Death *and* I want to push them away so the pain is not so acute when they leave.
We spent Sunday afternoon with a local hs group and I met lots of really cool folk... and the inner commentary was filled with you're fine for lunch and meeting at the park, I don't think I want to invest any deeper here -- and NOT because I couldn't find 1,001 commonalities, because the pain of having dear friends and then *not* having dear friends is too too too much for my mind... (though obviously not for my heart and soul or destiny, it seems)
Y'all are gonna die and I don't like it, not one bit. Just so ya know.
7 comments:
You are so clear, Diana. I felt the same way after my stepfather (and a few years later my mom) died and I don't think it ever completely went away, that fear of losing again. You, my friend, are so loved by so many and that will never go away, even if we do. I love your banner (as well as lots of other things to be found here:) (hugs)
me neither. i think i fear more now being unloved. so thanks for loving me now in this time and place. it is a blessing to be loved. i hope your people are happy and healthy and learning and knowing that you are loved by me. hang in there sister-friend.
How funny. You should read my blog today. Sorry you are going through this. I love you and I totally understand.
(((hugs))) from a stranger
Linnaea told me I wasn't going to die, I'm fine with that for now.
I am a friend of Lisa's...and through your blog I've met your daughter...and I feel like I know you...
And I understand the pain of alternately wanting to "go deep" and "take a step back"...
I think the hardest part of loving is the fear that comes with it...the fear that they will leave you or you will leave them...
And for those of us who love really, really deeply...that fear runs deep...
But love is so important, and Lisa would have wanted us to love, and so I am choosing to love...with the knowledge that with great love comes great loss...
Hugs to you...
Savannah
Ah - but until we die, we are going to live, live, live.
"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence." ~ Erich Fromm
“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love *is* everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.” ~ Erica Jong
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