The Mood Barometer

As I become more Native in my Oregon Home, I am beginning to recognize the signals of atmospheric interference with my summer sun induced mania. Most notably, the absence of sunshine when it should be very sunny. The presence of heavy, grey skies when it's not winter. My awesome wanes toward awful (aweless, more like it) and my proverbial Ass is a-Draggin' and I do not like it, not one bit! The emotional equivalent of Too Much Gravity does not belong in summer; certainly NOT My Summer! 

So I kicked it out. 

I looked at today's once-again-and-never-before-rainy-skies-in-July & acknowledged Today's gonna take a bit more gumption than I'd budgeted, good thing I've got reserves. And I do. Gumption doesn't run out, doesn't wear out, doesn't go anywhere -- I'm the one who takes it for granted on the sunny days with fun lists of sunshiney summery chores to do. Gumption's still right here on the grey days, just tougher to turn towards and utilize; that Too Much Gravity Syndrome. I'd not want to answer for wasting or neglecting such a Valuable Gift as Gumption.  If the mind can think it, the body can move towards it.  

Perhaps in the dark and swirly ways of the Oregon rainy sky; perhaps in the quicker breezy ways of the Oregon blue summer sky. Always in the ways of diana. 

As it should be. 

Awesome! 

Dizzying Ride

I was this close to The Dream.

From the Death of a Waterbug...

Doesn't seem real, though, I didn't even take the time to blog about it.  I invested a lot of work, a lot of faith & was on the verge of Doing It, when the road turned abruptly then ended.
It was days after my partner said "I Quit" when signs began to appear that the path we were on was headed for trouble. The World is Not Ready. I can be patient.
I can heal. I can trust. I can learn.
I can dare to Dream another Dream.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Instead, I have this summer to Be Joyful & Free.
I've got Alex & Lizabeth to keep the house full of even more laughter, while Hayden emerges from his cocoon to bless us with his entertainment. We've done the beach and we'll do it again! daVinci Days is this coming weekend. Oregon Country Fair was last weekend. The sun is mostly shining (but for yesterday and today) The chickens are growing and happy, as is the garden. Charlie the Big Black Fuzzy Dog is happy & scratchy, as always.  Artemis & Spot & Ford run wild, pouncing one another in the tall grass, the Unmowed Jungle.

Cat's in the Hammock

If we can keep Ford home at night, he'll not be racing across the highway to do the feline equivalent of me walking into Mike Tyson's house and punching him in the face. And Mike Tyson's mom won't have to lock him away until she takes him to kitty jail, to save his own stupid ass! As his first trip to jail resulted in castration, we're hoping once the testosterone is gone, so will his need to prove himself (prove himself tasty!) any longer.  We can hope.
Minerva Mjölnir the volvo has died. I shall be making a trip over to her resting spot to clean her out, one last time. It's the curse of the bumper stickers: I just put 6 new unschooling stickers on her. A big prayer of Thanks to all the Gods consulted on her death placement: 12 miles from home at midnight is preferable to any other far worse case scenarios in the universe. Especially considering the sheer number of miles I cover in a year.  Again, many thanks ♥
Pippi Lea Fanta Pants, a red, 2003 Ford Focus, has petitioned for a place in our family, we shall be meeting her soon. I ordered stickers special for her adoption: Eleven & Pond, of Dr. Who, drawn in Calvin & Hobbes style.
Why not? Life is short & I got lots of Awesome to share.

Awesome Outreach, My Art

An unknown Hero posted one of these at the Life is Good Unschooling Conference, 2010. I've kept my "take home reminder" in a sacred place. Now! is the perfect time for me to share the Awesome reminder with my community! A few sheets of cardstock & a supply of sharpies and stickers, then it was color copies at Kinkos ♥

I've reminded many of my favorite service folk 'round town, 

their Awesome is important to my Awesome Life ♥ 

There are signs hanging in random spots 'round Corvallis

I gave out hundreds of reminders at Oregon Country Fair

& I left the empty signs hanging in Awesome spots (like the porta-potty!)

My dotty sign (below) was complimented by Earl Newman. 

Sign Making is the Art that sings to me,
my favorite creative expression. 

My Quest is to find new and Awesome ways to use my skillz! 

Go ahead, make your sign.
Hang it up! Flash Strangers!
Giving away Awesome adds to your own Awesome

Awesome Quest Challenge I

Awesome Quest Challenge I: Part of being Awesome for me is pushing myself out of my comfort zone. My comfort zone sure is comfortable, but not terribly enjoyable. There are a lot of things I hold myself back from. How can you take a step out of that zone this week? What have you been holding yourself back from? 

There's a common thread among hoarders and clutterers: a fear of doing it wrong keeps us from doing it at all.  I'd rather my house be judged by what I don't do than by what I do wrong. Somewhere inside me, that has made sense for a long time & justified many hours of escape from what I should be doing.  Part of Awesome Quest 2011 (AQ11) for me, is stepping outside of those excuses and having the Awesome Home in reality that I have in my fantasy.  

• Daily dishwashing
• Chalkboard paint on cupboards (still in progress, Red coat #286 coming soon!)
• Chicken Coop acquired & mostly primed
• Plans for Chicken Coop TARDIS Painting & Police Box Signage
• First Coil Pot in Pottery 101, plans for Berry Bowl & lidded jars 
• Plans for mailbox remodel
• Fun times, fully engaged, with all three+ kids 
• 4 pieces of art for daVinci Days
• Clarification in messy relationship ending
• Laundry pile down to actual pile from mountain
• Hammock in the TREE! 
• You Are AWESOME outreach posters (5 variations created)
• Love & attention to Garden 

What I've earned from this is Awesome beyond measure... Not only do I feel more at home in a Home that feels like, well, HOME, I feel more me. I am pretty Awesome. It's time I start remembering that on a momentary basis. We're all happier when I do :)  When mama ain't feelin' her Awesome, ain't NOBODY feeling her Awesome ♥
...and more (most?!) importantly:

When Mama's feelin' her Awesome, 

EVERYBODY feels Awesome! ♥ 

Mirror Cleaning Time

My primary relationship is with myself- all others are mirrors of it. As I learn to love myself, I automatically receive the love and appreciation that I desire from others. If I am committed to myself and to living my truth, I will attract others with equal commitment. My willingness to be intimate with my own deep feelings creates the space for intimacy with another. ~Shakti Gawain

Minerva's Amazing Adventure

Crusin' along in my Volvo

Minerva's been struggling, poor thing.  She's got some weird electrical thing going on, which probably includes, and is more likely not limited to, her alternator.  Yay! Mechanic #1 actually sent her home, mistaking her charged battery for a miracle. In the meantime, I decided to charge the battery as needed and just continue furnishing my apartment in denial, driving her willy-nilly.

Then, that one day, my tooth broke. And Minerva took a shit in the bank parking lot's battery died in the bank drive-thru. I took her battery home, charged it, and moved her to the street. I went about my business, in denial, until I had to move her. So I did. I moved her just a few blocks down the street, swearing I'd get ahold of a mechanic and gimp her along to getting fixed. She does deserve it.

Touched by Angels ♥

Got another letter reminding me to move her along, so today I set out to do just that -- even had a safe route in mind where I could pull over and park when I ran out of battery power. It's an instant thing, so I had to be careful in my planning.  I turned the corner and she was gone.

The self-berating tape was on auto-play, when loud and clear I said: Well, where's the gift in THIS ugly wrapping paper?  I imagined talking to the woman from the city: I'm trying to find the gift in this ugly wrapping paper, can you help? The tow-truck driver/neighbor/storage mobster: Can you show me the gift in all this ugly wrapping paper? Somehow, this mantra calmed me and gave me something to seek, something to do, a new way to be. Find the gift. 

Volvo Refuge

I drove past the tow/storage place and didn't see her, a broken phone mic delayed my call to the city, so I napped. 

I was awakened by Jay, a stranger who's father discovered my car in his driveway this morning. Somehow dad thought Jay had something to do with it. The keys were still in the ignition.  Instead of calling the police, he found out who I was, where I lived and knocked on the door. ♥

And there she was, right in Dad's driveway, her seat moved back and comfortably reclined. Hm.

We moved her a couple of miles closer to home and took her battery for charging. We'll move her a few more  miles tomorrow. And we'll be oh, so grateful to do so ♥

TP: Sepia (Jizo)

Depression is deep if I'm not taking pictures. It's been a rough couple of months, I've few pictures to show for it. 

Coming out of the fog just in time for the end of Sepia Week for Thematic Photographic with my Jizo, in his new home just outside my window.

Hannah's Jizo

My Worst Fear

summa teeth - eek!

Tuesday I was sitting at the computer and my tongue found chunks. A tooth had crumbled, succumbing to the cavity I'd denied for weeks. A tooth people can see. I can no longer deny the declining state of my chompers! With the holidays fast approaching, my Dental Work Savings had accumulated exactly zero.
I managed to scrape up 150$ before calling local dentists on Wednesday morning.  I did find *one* dentist in Corvallis working a full day. His office, however, was unable to serve me within my budget. (to be detailed in a much longer blog post of it's own)
I began to search in nearby Albany, and quickly found Gentle Dentistry: 1) open, 2) available, and 3) willing to work within my budget ♥ Not to mention, upon answering the phone, the lovely Tina had me taking deep breaths, calming down and feeling well cared for ♥

temporary filling,
permanent smile

Dr. Phan cleaned my hole and threw on a patch good enough for the holiday weekend, sans biting, all for 117$.
He gave me an appointment for this afternoon at 3:30; yes, he said, he'll be staying late for this one. He's giving me a discount for paying cash. Cash for a 700$ procedure I have approximately 33$ available to fund.
Refusing to accept an ugly smile until 1) dentistry becomes affordable, (pick yourselves up), 2) I win the lottery, or 3) I'm able to nickel and dime my way into a dentist's office, I ponder the options.
I kicked off my SaveMySmile campaign on Twitter, asking for 70 followers to donate 10$, then I moved to Facebook, asking each of my 600+ friends to PayPal just 1$. I'm well aware it's a bit like the NPR Pledge Week, still amazing and just a bit annoying. I apologize. And smile :D
I found this nametag in my shuffling and turned it into this sign ♥




~♥~ ~♥~ ~♥~To date, an hour from my actual appointment, I've managed to raise 75% of what I need, contributing an additional 10% myself. I've more than 50 families to thank from the bottom of my heart, with the biggest smile of all, for making this happen! I'm about to have the most anticipated rootcanal in history and I've rarely been happier.

Eggs and 'tetchup

Eggs & 'tetchup

I once had the best wife in the universe, who just happened to be one studly hunk of a man. An unbiased opinion, that, I swear. Mitch was of the "Wash, Clean, Cook? YES!" mentality that I still cannot quite understand. Happy to appreciate these skills, in my confusion, make no mistake, I'm very grateful! Especially considering Wash, Clean, Cook were happily joined by Play and Change Diapers ♥

When he fell undeniably ill, mid-October, there was no denying a shift of responsibilities was inevitable. I wasn't ready for imminent, inevitable was fine.
Mitch's mother came to visit for Thanksgiving. I prepared by asking, pleading, begging, admonishing and threatening Mitch to remain still and docile, for a few weeks, to allow his bruises to heal.  We knew they came from his Lumbering About Adventures, including walls, doorways and floors; she did not. Already, he was a scary sight post-stroke, I'll admit, and I was there every day to watch the rapidlyslow decline of his body. She was in for the shock of her life, I wanted to soften it as much as I could, with whatever energy I could muster.  (FYI - he didn't listen)

I'm honored that food was her only issue with his care. Mostly I remember she made him oatmeal, his childhood favorite, like when he was 8.  Mitch really liked it with steamed milk and thank the heavens Mitch's mother was there to provide this peek at someone who'd been a stranger for almost 25 years of my life and my husband for merely 5. These peeks were numbered, sacred and running out at alarming speed.  I make oatmeal with water, he made it with water, she found comfort in providing the milk ♥

Oh look! Eggs & 'tetchup

On his last day with his mom in town, I made breakfast. And documented it.
My kids liked Eggs & 'tetchup because their dad made it for them whenever they asked. They liked Cheese Toast because Daddy told them the very best cheese comes wrapped in individual slices & tastes great slapped on dry toast.
It was two days later when I offered the kids breakfast and they ran to Mitch's dresser. Puzzled, I followed and observed as they opened his sock drawer, I helped them rifle around until we found the (unbeknownst to me) mega-stash of Everlasting Gobstoppers.  Apparently, the breakfast of other champions named Jenner. Daily part of the lounging-in-bed-before-actually-getting-up routine. Probably followed by a trip to the kitchen with real food, before the family shower at 11:30 am.
A part of the day that was theirs alone with Dad; with routines and rhythms and scents and sounds so different than my own; different even than when I am present. I was suddenly extra sad for them, for this intimacy they'd lost and perhaps never remember. And I stopped. They'd been given the gift of a father, for the briefest of moments, who was their playmate, their champion, their sun & moon. Perhaps not to be a memory for the brain at all, but a memory designed for one's heart and soul.
And that memory is moving towards making it all worthwhile ♥ 

Prayers Answered

Chocolate IceCream for Brekky, because we can!

I remember chatting in bed that morning, the two of us whispering as I dosed his morning's medications and the children dozed nearby. The headache was bad, they were all bad since we'd stopped the steroids, we hoped for comfort from some Breakfast Morphine and a nap.
Meanwhile I was off to work at a church. Not just any church, mind you. A church filled with Believers, including a family I met when I was 8 years old. A family who's chance meeting led to my career as an ASL interpreter; a family who's faith inspired me deeply and wholly through my life.  A family who asked me how I was and anticipated an honest answer. So I gave them one: I am done, spent, empty. I cannot carry this burden one more day. So we prayed, the whole of the congregation prayed my honesttogod prayer with me: Let it end. Soon. 

I now believe Mitch might've been praying the same prayer. When I arrived home and set about his care, his headache was a reported 15 on a 1-10 scale. I began the Instant + Long Morphine + Marijuana Cycle to bring down his number. Nothing worked. I turned to light the vigil candle before the VirginMotherofGod and when I turned back 'round, Mitch's mood had shifted. "She scares me," he said again; apparently she'd been scaring him for a few days now. I wondered if she was hovering near, waiting to deliver him to the other side. I comforted him with some soothing words of her kindness and grace, of her gifts of faith and love. He seemed to buy it and fell asleep. 

When the chance came for a quick escape, even for an hour, I took it! Mitch and the kids were looked after by family & my brain needed respite for what was to come next...
I heard him when I walked into the room. My brain told the rest of my body before I could cognitively puzzle the pieces & I flew into action. The Death Rattle(tm), The Official Sound of Death Itself. Right there in our bed, our whole family's bed, just like we'd talked about. Like we'd so desperately tried to deny. Death was a'knockin' and I had to decide Hostess Protocol. Aunt Donna appeared (she's really so very good at that) and set to work right away. The hospice nurse was called and the bed cleaned and changed.  I brought out the tub for bathing, filled with warm, Satsuma scented water and a cotton washcloth, like I'd promised.
And I wanted to break, so desperately.
Humans don't break, though, even when they're willing.
I was snapped back with "If you don't do this here, they'll do it at the hospital"
Again, I was giving care, Ultimate Care to the man I promised to love, honor and cherish for all the days of his life.  I wasn't gonna run screaming on my very last chance to do just that.  (I wanted to though, I really did)
Calls were made, people streamed in and out, the children were lightheartedly entertained, laughter was heard and vigil was held.
When his last breath had once again been foiled by my arrival in the room, I snuggled with him in our bed, this one last time. I sent for the priest & asked for the children to go along for the ride. When the door closed behind them, I bent down and whispered his sweetest permission to Run Forrest, Run.
And run he did, right that very moment, to whatever was waiting for him not-here ♥
I sang to him because it felt good.

Pedro meets Mitch, Mitch meets Pedro

Missing him today as much as I knew I would on the day I promised. ♥