I have a dream...

I watch with awe the daily accomplishments of folks I know. I wonder how there are enough hours in the day to do 1/10 of what they do. Hell, I can't even get the gumption to do the dishes. I'd much rather watch CSI-Miami on OnDemand. Somewhere around the recent third episode, I realized this is what makes the difference: doing something directly, instead of doing one thing and wondering about another.
Maybe that makes sense to most folks, it's finally sinking in for me.If I wonder what to do with the backyard, it's certainly in my own best interest's interest to move towards this knowledge, these plans. CSI ain't takin' me there. Neither is Law & Order.
When I think about the book that longs to be written, it is directly in line with that goal to sit down and write. Wow. It's certainly not being objectively edited, living only in my head, without the honor of permanency.
All of this, with the aforementioned sniper-like anger-lashing and all-around-full-time kvetch-ness, has culminated into a strange new world for me.
And yet I'm comfortable in the unfamiliar peace. Know what? I can shut up. AND I can do it every.day.
I can allow. I can receive. I can focus. I can bring about that which holds joy and love for me. I can cast away that which does not. Within and without.
If I can dream it, I can be it.
And baby, I got a dream.

diana vs. *R.O.U.S.s

*Resentments of Unusual Size
I've been known to feel just like this little guy gal here, Mommysaurus, all a-prickly and roaring.
I probably turn pink in my passionate diatribes, too.
This gal's load of straw feels extra hard to unload, as issues become impaled tightly on the spikes. The spikes at the ready to prick any issue and become annoyed by it. Them. Lots of spikes, lots of issues. Heavy ones.
Oh and I'm justified. Don't you doubt it.
And a victim. Of the entire universe. And me.
Ick. I'm done.
It started as a niggling. I remember the moment, as I explored my IRS issue. There is is, in black and white, my victimization by the IRS and Congress (for making this victimization legal). All laid out for me, evident in each and every communication I have with them. In my rant and rave. Justifiable indeed.
Then my eye, so well-primed by this ugliness and in the rush of inertia toward darkness, began to seek further examples of Universal Persecution of Diana.
And whoa-doggie did I find 'em!
Then the slow shift the other way began.
Cameron came to visit. It's pretty dang tough to keep focus on the ick, when there's so much love and joy in the room ♥ At the DMV, where I'd previously had a tantrum about conflicting information without listening to the resolution, I had the chance to be served by that same-said clerk. I traded numbers with Chance, to avoid spilling any more of that ick that was rising back up in my throat. Then Cameron mentioned the clerk looks like Sandra Dodd. Suddenly my perspective shifted. I could pretend this was Sandra; the sayer of tough things, who's motives are pure. So I did. I breathed and I listened. Ultimately, we had a pleasant and enjoyable experience. It was a beginning.
My martyr muscles had grown strong, however. Quickly.
Very quiet were the dissenting voices, as the anger and victimization brewed and festered.
Then I was really mean. again. This is not only ugly and awful, it's straight-up undermining who-I-am in this world. It's a ridiculous thought that diana would invest any energy in improving her reputation as Super Bitch. So why was I? Unable to change what I don't like in my life? Not me! Thus, I turned left. Right there.
I bought groceries. Nourishing myself and my family with food chosen lovingly is a consistent lift to my spirits. I breathed and calmed. I picked up the a bottle of Mood Stabilizer & loved visualizing the benefits. It was St. John's Wort; I've got some in the cupboard, it's been calling to me for a while now. I came home and took some. Then I took it three times today. And I'll keep taking it. If what's possible is possible in me, we're talking Super Duper win/win/win/win scenario ♥
And I'm back to practicing what I want to be good at. Being my happy Self.

Happy Anniversary, Mrs. Jenner

Fourteen years ago I got married, in Vegas, for 300$ with Christine's VW Bus as our Limo.
I picked this chapel, out of a phonebook in the library in Sioux Falls, simply on the kitsch of it's name: San Francisco Sally's Victorian Chapel. Somehow I managed to be surprised it looks like a brothel!
My hair is up because it's 119* and I'm about to die, or someone will if my deodorant doesn't hold out. We had 75 people in a chapel with standing room only for 35. Praying, I tell you, everyone was praying.
In all of our pictures, I look manic and melting and Mitch looks like he's gonna barf. Or melt, whichever saves him first. Which is funny, since I felt like he looks. eeeeek!
♥ Yet we did it. Even celebrated in a random restaurant in a random casino with a random band who played a random song for us. So we danced and changed the world. ♥ And I'm so glad.

I miss me. I bet you do too.

Republican Pancakes

July 4, free pancake breakfast at our local Republican Headquarters. Free food? I'm there. Free food from the Neo-Cons? I am first in line ♥ Plus, they recycled Bush/Cheney campaign signs to advertise!
I was immediately comforted by the volunteer presence of my Libertarian True Republican friend Lyn; who happened to meet Barry Goldwater jr last year :::swoon:::I overheard a couple of disturbing conversations while consuming my free pork belly.
A woman walked up to this flag-wearing, Thursday afternoon flag-flyer and it went like this:

Crazy Lady: Hey! Are you still waving your flag on Thursdays?
Flag Guy: Yep, every week, 4:30 to 5:30.
Crazy Lady: Oooooh, you stand across the street from the opposition?
[note: Corvallis has the longest running Peace Rally in the US - every day in front of the courthouse from 5-6]
Flag Guy: Uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh, no? I stand there next to them.
Crazy Lady: Oh, that must be hard for you... I wanna get my kids out there, to help support our cause, but (I'm full of 10,000 excuses....)
--I had to refocus my listening, lest that pork belly come flying out of me. While I slowly chewed, I picked up the convo behind me. My most treasured quote:
"Women who like the president, really only like him because they think he's cute."
Because, unlike women, men can only be cute OR qualified, not both. Or maybe that's only true for True Republicans Democrats.

Next time, I'm gonna be prepared with THIS on a t-shirt (Neo-Cons can read? I hope!)
Republican Principles from gop.com
I'm a Republican Because...

I BELIEVE the strength of our nation lies with the individual and that each person’s dignity, freedom, ability and responsibility must be honored.

I BELIEVE in equal rights, equal justice and equal opportunity for all, regardless of race, creed, sex, age or disability.

I BELIEVE free enterprise and encouraging individual initiative have brought this nation opportunity, economic growth and prosperity.

I BELIEVE government must practice fiscal responsibility and allow individuals to keep more of the money they earn.

I BELIEVE the proper role of government is to provide for the people only those critical functions that cannot be performed by individuals or private organizations, and that the best government is that which governs least.

I BELIEVE the most effective, responsible and responsive government is government closest to the people.

I BELIEVE Americans must retain the principles that have made us strong while developing new and innovative ideas to meet the challenges of changing times.

I BELIEVE Americans value and should preserve our national strength and pride while working to extend peace, freedom and human rights throughout the world.

FINALLY, I believe the Republican Party is the best vehicle for translating these ideals into positive and successful principles of government.

Dear God (or someone who understands the IRS):

In case you've forgotten who you're dealing with, let me give you a bit of a run-down.
I'm that really funny redhead from South Dakota, the one who waited a really long time to find her true love. Yeah, that one true love that left me, for you, almost 9 years ago.
Soon after his move to the hereafter, I received notice that he died owing the IRS 1200$. I ignored the letters. All of them. For years.
The letter I did pay attention to, however, is the one that came from the Social Security Administration. You may recall, that letter informed me of the legality of garnishment by the IRS, for 70$/month until the debt was satisfied. The second letter I read closely, was the one I received in January, directly from IRS, stating I owed only 400$ more.
I had a feeling that debt might take a few months to be collected via my monthly stipend.
Then I got a check from the IRS in May. And another in July.
Quick assumption: I'm getting paid back for what I've overpaid.
Then today I went to the bank to make a withdrawal; instead of almost 900$, I found a mere 700$.
Social security says sorry, you'll have to talk to the IRS. (to put it nicely, we'll talk about the condescending computer voice much, much, much later)
So I call the IRS. I talk to a very nice man, who explains that I'm not only being garnished, the garnish amount increased to 170$/month, as of January '09. (he's sending me a detailed, daily analysis of my dealings with this amazing organization). Turns out they've been garnishing on the 24th of the month, SSA issued a garnished check on the 3rd, and the IRS reissued their oopsie check on the 18th. My customer service angel was unsure why the garnishment was continuing; aside from the incredibly obvious interest earning scam. He transferred me to the Lien Department.
What a lovely customer service agent I found there! She must be a gilded angel! She told me she was able to put an immediate stop to the lien, as the bill had been paid.
I asked about the legality of such garnishment. She assured me the garnishment is legal.
I looked it up. The law says they cannot touch the child(ren)'s benefits, only the widow(er)'s; the first 750$ is protected, after that, 15% can be garnished. Unless there's an update (which I could not find) after 1991, the maximum garnish amount is around 16.50$/month. Not 70$ and certainly NOT NOT NOT 170$!!!!!
When I ask about the legality of garnishing after the debt is satisfied, I am told it's a glitch.
When I ask to speak to the person in charge of glitches, I'm *disconnected* from the system.
Too bad the next operator, for whom I sat through 20 minutes of recordings and really, really bad musak to speak to, could not give me the original angel's name nor number. She did, however, assure me that while there was not much she could do, she certainly did not want to be in my shoes. I was told about form 911 and advised to wait for a few more deep breaths before I fill it out ;)
I don't wanna get an attorney. I shouldn't have to.
Nor should the government think it's okay to ass-fuck the poorest of our citizens without consequence.
As your smiting business seems to be languishing, I'd sure like permission to take up your slack.
Or maybe just some enlightenment. All the way around, please.

Sincerely,
diana lea jenner

Enquiring Minds...

..want to know more

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Mom wanted to name me for her best friend, Linda Diane, who asked *not* to be named after... so I'm named for Diana Ross and Worcestershire sauce - Diana Lea

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Yesterday. When my mom disappointed my boy and he wasn't even disappointed.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I do; I'm still a 14 year old girl that way :D

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

Meat I eat for lunch, right? Turkey's good, roast beef... nothing processed or originating from more than one place on an animal!

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
I've given birth to Hannah and Hayden. Hayden remaining in my care, Hannah solely in the care of her father. I've many many many other kids whom did not originate in me body.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Yes. And it would be hard.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
I do. Less now than before I met Sandra Dodd. I save it now for people I don't love. Or folks I do love who can appreciate it!

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes. And the rest of the parts I was born with!

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Only in New Zealand

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
From the Bag: Apple Jacks & Frosted Flakes. I sometimes imagine myself eating raisin bran or frosted mini wheat with cow's milk.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
People still wear tie shoes?

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
the kind made with human milk. or so I imagine.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Usually the noise they're making, whether or not they're being nice to their kids... otherwise, their scent &/or smile.

15. RED OR PINK?
Yes.

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST Favorite THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I tend to be loud. about stuff that I should be quieter about. I tend to fill silence with insipid tirades.

17. WHOM DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Alive? Bradley
Dead? Hannah, then Mitch

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
everyone might make for more reading than I'm prepared for...

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Brown (magic!) pants and Orange shoes

20. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Trisha

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
My daddy talk on the phone with his sister, Carol, about travel plans.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
I'm one of those chunky kindergarten crayons: blue, yellow and red. Or yellow, green and blue. Whichever. Both.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Lilacs, brewing coffee, dank herb ♥, baking bread

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
Very much!

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Whatever is showing in a room full of rabid fans! I love to watch the fans watch their games... I root for the underdog, no matter the sport.

27. HAIR COLOR?
Yeah, that. Hmmmm. I am blessed with our family's hair-itage of *ishy* hair: reddish, brownish, blondish. Ever since my gay boyfriend in highschool, I've been a full-time redhead. Yeah, so now it's becoming really, really, really, really, really grey and I'm in a quandary about dying it.... I don't like the ishy with the grey, nor do I like pretending it's all red and I'm not aging... 'tis the question as old as hair dye...

28. EYE COLOR?
Green!

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
And suffocate my eyeballs ?! With Mercury?!?! No FREAKING way!! (check your ingredients, thimerosol as a preservative - yep! it's mercury)
Nor will I subject myself to a surgery without any regard for eyeball scartissue!! eeeeeeekkk! Me gusta antiojos!!

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Scrambled eggs and bacon - from Sunnyside Up, of course!
Tacos de carnitas - from La Senora de Comida :D

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Scary movies with happy endings are nice. Though I do like me some Cohen Brothers' films - even without their pretty pink bowed endings!

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Harry Potter 6.
Alright, since you asked ;) I don't mind I've become accostomed to the giant story gaps in the Harry Potter films; putting in bullshit scenes, i.e. the blowing up of The Burrow, just plain pisses me off! Especially because there was so much MORE they could have put in that REALLY HAPPENED! (Dear Director: Yes, we are so impressed by your ability to blow things up. Does it make your penis feel bigger better? Next time, stick to telling the story!)

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Bright orange tee-shirt. 3.99$ at Old Navy, brand new - take that Goodwill!!

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
In Oregon? Winter Green

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Hugs.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Frank. It's what he does.

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
No idea.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
I'm listening to the Jim Dale reading of US version of Harry Potter 7. (I've only previously listened to Mr. Frye reading the UK versions)

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
schmutz from Hayden's late nite useage.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
The latest episodes of Weeds and Hung (I highly recommend them both!)

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S)?
Laughter, home-made music

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Both, though the Beatles hold a more special place in my heart.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
If South Dakota is considered home then I'd say Rosarita Beach in Mexico is the farthest from there :D I've peed in every single state along I-80 from CA to Jersey ;)

45. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Canton-Inwood Memorial Hospital, Inwood, IA

46. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
Trisha.

47. WEEKEND PLANS?
Gonna check out the Blueberry festival down the street, pick up my DaVinci Days Fish by 6pm, enjoy our last evening with the 'rents, provide Corvallis with amazing baked goods tonight & prepare for our next wave of company!!

48. DOGS OR CATS?
Dogs. I liked Patches just fine, though she was an exceptional cat.

I've Realized...

I wanted to post about last night's soiree & the transformation I felt within me throughout the process... Then Ren posted this amazing list on FaceBook. So I'm gonna do it here, as a form for my runaway train thought process this morning :)

1. I've come to realize that my chest-size...
...is exactly the size of my chest. M'boobies? They took good care of my babies and I shall be eternally grateful and worshipful ♥

2. I've come to realize that my job(s)...
...as a mama is the most important one in the universe. And I honor those of us who take this job seriously, joyfully :D

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving...
...I am triggered to have a cigarette; just like my dad.

4. I've come to realize that I need....
...both chaos and stillness; passion and apathy; rain and sunshine; here and there; to BE in the moment without judgment or attachment, that's what I really need.

5. I've come to realize that I have lost...
...only that which I fail to look past to see the gifts.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...
...the word hate is used in such cavalier form. I'm careful with that term in my own life, in my own head. I only hate over cooked beef liver, really. Everything else can be dealt with. Except maybe cottage cheese, hate that too.

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk...
...there must be unschoolers around! Sheesh, you guys are worse than high school. Wait, I didn't have peer pressure in high school because I didn't hang with my peers... so Thanks Guys. I think. Or (to be fair) I'm on my way to my 20th high school reunion too soon after my daughter's death, oh yeah I was F.U.B.A.R. Baby!

8. I've come to realize that money...
...is made new every single day. People are not. I won't neglect something sacred for something as common as money (thanks Grampa George!); nor will I invest an ounce more energy into money, than I have to, not with thought, word nor deed.

9. I've come to realize that certain people...
...have their minds fused closed with fear. I know that to certain people I represent several ultimate fears, someday I'll be okay with that. (almost deleted that line, then decided to leave it...)

10. I've come to realize that I'll always …
...be diana.

11. I've come to realize that my sibling(s)...
...are who they are. Their experiences have not been mine; nor mine, theirs. Someday...

12. I've come to realize that my mom...
...does the best she can with what she's got. And she's pretty dang entertaining, as long as I remember Q-TIP.

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone...
...ROCKS!

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...
...I'm still in Oregon. I had a housefull of people last night & it was fun for everyone. Wow. Straight up, Wow!

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep... .
..I had a nice wine, hoopin, socializin, dog-proud buzz going on.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking...
...how much I love thinking about last night's gathering. It's a really big freaking deal. People didn't come into my house when I was a kid. Ever. Well, there was that one time Becky forced her way in but I'd rather really pretend she didn't get back to her parents car, raving about what a complete pigsty our house was, refusing to be shushed by her older sister who didn't remain oblivious to my tears; except it did happen. That little girl? She got healed last night.

17. I've come to realize that my dad...
...1)is the luckiest man in the world; 2) must be a favored one by Gods; 3) has been more blessed by my simple act of forgiveness than by anything else done to him; 4) is the Poster Child for Human Evolution ♥

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook...
...I plug into my peeps, the miles melt away and I am gathering in a sacred (though sometimes nasty, nasty) place ;)

19. I've come to realize that today...
...my friends have an opportunity for generosity that didn't exist 48 hours ago; my parents will be here in a few hours; is yet another gift of Life, another opportunity to BE ♥

20. I've come to realize that tonight...
...I will revel in being someone's child, Hayden will revel in being someone's grandchild, all will be right with the world if even for a moment...

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow...
...is a gift I shalll appreciate when it's time to open it!

22. I've come to realize that I really want to...
...show the world who I really am, stripped of fears of judgment, to BE diana, whole, complete, perfect and whacked!

23. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost this is...
...Frank, it's what he does :D

24. I've come to realize that life...
...really is a sacred gift, willing to be just what you make of it!

25. I've come to realize that this weekend…
...I learned how better to breathe and realize I am my child's mother, not my mother's child.

26. I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset...
...can either be music that keeps me there, working it out; or distracting and uplifting when I'm not feeling it inside... Elton's pretty good about having an all-around useful catalogue!

27. I've come to realize that my friends...
...are more amazing than they give themselves credit for. I guess it's my job to remind them!

28. I've come to realize that this year...
...might just be the best one ever!

29. I've come to realize that my ex...
...is worthy of my love and affection. Even from afar.

30. I've come to realize that maybe I should...
...avoid any further shoulds in my life.

31. I've come to realize that I love...
...being me. The whole fucked up ballowax that is diana.

32. I've come to realize that I don't understand...
...being me. The whole fucked up ballowax that is diana. And that's jus'fine with me!

33. I've come to realize my past...
does not define me yet is an important part of my story and who I am today.

34. I've come to realize that parties...
...are my way of telling you that I want you here, intensely present in my present!

35. I've come to realize that I'm totally terrified...
...of ever becoming totally terrified. I've got fears, honey, but they know their place! They're small, niggling fears, like living to be an old woman without anyone who-knew-me-when.

36. I've come to realize that my life...
...is as delicious as I can stand!

I found another Jesus,

...this time I ran him over. Sorry dude ♥
I'm guessing your parents didn't tell you the street's not for playing?!

Overdue Perpetual Gratitude

June 15 is the anniversary of Mitch's birth, 1968.
During our recent move, including his birthday, Mitch's very sacred Heartland Paper Company work shirt, served as a prayer flag. It seemed to bridge the distance between his home and ours; much like the curtain through which Sirius Black once fell. Heh, only once.
As it fluttered with each box's passing, I thought of him watching and approving of my each move... I found myself rising to the task of being inspected by the man I long-ago chose to be my husband, the only man I chose to be the father of my children.
And there was a shift, if only in my thinking. I realize that each day I'm here, figgerin this whole Life thing out, being true to who I can be, then he's proud. That's who he married. That is who he chose to raise his children.
Not a day goes by his name fails to pass through my thoughts. I bring him with me wherever my path takes me; for his son and his wife (his orphan and his widow?).
Thanks, again, Mitchard, for the gift of your view of me & for this amazing Boy, who is so much YOU and ME and US and his Very Own Self ♥ Take good care My Love; especially good care of The Girl ♥ ♥