...a girl named Hannah Lea

12.5 years ago, early this morning, Hannah was born.
3 years ago yesterday, Hannah said to me, "Don't worry about me, mom, I'm a rock."
3 years ago today, she slept through her final half-birthday, while we sang. Still not ready to let go.
So today, as I cry, I'm listening to the music over at Hannah's Ashes. I know Puff the Magic Dragon plays with a girl named Hannah Lea. Bob Marley doesn't have to sing "Don't Worry" in heaven, because they already know; that song's for the rest of us ♥ I believe in Yesterday & like Stevie Nicks, I'm counting on being called home just as soon as that place is ready for me. All the while, You Belong to Me. And I know that this time around I got to be Hannah's mom and that means something special and sacred; I can be anyone, even diana-healed ♥
I think of the pictures I'd have, had I hired a photographer for death, as one does for a birth. I'd have a portrait of the sweet nurse who celebrates a birthday-and-a-half today, for my sweet girl. I'd be able to show you the sun through the windows, shining on the heads of those who stood vigil, singing to an unconscious, well-loved Hannah. You'd see the solace we sought with one another in the waiting room we commandeered. There'd be awe on the faces of the medical professionals, as they witnessed their first peaceful transition; there'd be an underlying love for a patient they'd been honored to know and to serve, if only for a few hours. Hayden's sleeping form would belie the overwhelm he'd lived in for the past many weeks; there'd be peace in his deep rest. I bet you'd find peace there, in the rest of us, too. I still find great peace in the places sleep can take me.
Today, however, I am awake. I am feeling. Because I'm honored to have the human experience of emotions and attachments. Today I am attached to a dream. Plenty of time tomorrow to reattach to reality.

The Oregon Version

This photo has a friend in Japan. They connected on the internet, of course.
Meet the infinite magic within a deciduous forest.
Mine recalls the Fields of Rohan (atop a fencepost),
heretofore I'd not questioned it's infinite magic.
Silly me! Now I shall...

Because today is really about laughter

A second version of an old favorite ♥

Now go pee! Then watch this one, again. My face hurts!

Next yoga class?

This morning, as I joyfully awakened to take Scotty to work (no bus to ride on Sundays), Scotty asked, "when is your next fat lady yoga class?" I told him next Wednesday. "Too bad," he says, "you looked so happy when you came home, I was hoping it was more often."
So we talked of my quandary of too much time away from the family... "We'd rather have you here happy," he tells me, "Use my tip money for as many Yoga classes as you want to take, it's a worthwhile investment." Is there any sign greater?
I'm sure that one less hour of me quietly tortured on the sofa's corner, especially when replaced by something calming and opening and quiet, is a good thing for the witnesses thereof, too. I've not ever had a peaceful antidote to depression; mania is such a high, I just bypass that whole middle ground for flying. Which is exhausting. And habituated. I find myself waiting for it to take me away from here. I suppose the cycle of depression is then fed when I sadly realize there's no high my brain can give me that will change my here & now.
The opposite of Yoga.
I found Yoga a peaceful way of making right here, right now, a whole, complete & perfect experience.
If one hour can generate this non-maniacal burst of, of, well I'm not sure what to call it, calm excitement? What could some time dedicated to this practice every day do for me? My family? My dog? The whole freakin' planet?
Here's a vision, dream with me:
Charlie and I walk a mile to the park (which we already do). While he's off-leash, sniffin' and poopin' the space(which he already does), I can listen to my (downloading right this minute, I hope it's amazing) Amazing 10-Minute Daily Yoga and stretch, while I bag up his poopies (which I already do). Sounds like win/win to me! I'll be calm and open and ready to chuck those balls (which I do, not often in right heart) ♥
I feel different. Healing. Another whole new thing, and it's good. Really, really good ♥

A Long and Winding Walk

A walk born out of guilt and martyrdom; an internal battle of will. So I took off walking, with that calm & assertive resigned & resentful air about me. That far, I told myself, just that far. There came a third voice into the negotiation, not completely unwelcome, just as I came upon that fateful, predetermined point which happens to be that far from my house. Nope, said that voice, you're not quitting here. You're gonna walk him to the river (yes driving him there is cheating), to enjoy a wooded walk and a swim. That's right, tack on 2+ more miles to the one mile walk home from here. Tough taters chickie, you're doing it! You just might like it. And so I did. I wasn't alltogethersure how to tell this voice to shut the fuck up, so I didn't. And we walked. I had a pocket full of doggie snacks and two fetching balls. Charlie had the luxury of being off-leash for part of the adventure. We both needed the intense oxygen that the Green of Oregon seems ready to supply ♥ We play a game of Hide & Seek, if he happens to run out of eyeshot. Sometimes he misses the mark Sometimes he'll sit quickly for a treat and he's back down the trailSoon he discovered his beachHe checked it all outAnd after chasing assorted fun stuff into the water, Charlie took a meditative sit with his balls at his sideIt was when I stopped chuckling that I wondered if looking at the water would work for me,
the same way it seems to work for the Big Guy.

I gotta say, that dog's pretty damned clever

& he carried his balls home in his mouth.
Charlie's my guru.

Why work?

I know I'm blessed to live without the have to when it comes to having a paying job.
I work because it's nice to have the extra money for the extra special things. Like a gaming laptop - on the list and the fund is started! We're all three being careful consumers for this purchase, Scotty and Hayden knowing their game needs & my request: I'd like to buy from a *person* instead of from a store... yeah, everyone agrees, except the folks who are reselling their computers - they paid a lot of money for their machines not long ago; chances are, I can purchase more, new, for less money, from Mr. Box Store. With a warranty. So, while I'd love this purchase to pay someone's mortgage, I'm thinking I need to make peace with a new corporately purchased totally awesome computer, in the next month or so... and think it saved someone's job.
To compensate, I'm scouring Craigslist for my new bike... I found this onewhich really is right up my alley... the price has dropped 21$ in the last few days... I may just call him up and offer 75$ and see what he says ;) (Was 120$, now advertised for 99$). It is pretty dang cute. Cantcha see me and the Big Black Dog out for our daily constitutionals (and there's a place for the poop bags!) ? And yes, I am getting one of those U lock thingiedoos.
Ah! Which leads to a whole 'nother conversation. I've been moving. Like amazing amounts of movement in my life (it's all relative). Walking the dog, yeah, and there's the bus stop and campus and the stairs AND I went to fat lady yoga the other night. Paid for the whole month, for which I am so grateful to be able to do ♥ I think it's the best chick date in the universe! It's more introspective, no wait, I was surprised by the sensation of the introspection. Yeah. More accurate. Even I didn't have the temptation to be anywhere but right there in the moment, the movement, the stretch of Who I Am. There's a Hot Yoga place down the street, it'd be nice to just pop down the street for yoga... though I'm not necessarily ditching my family to work just so I can afford to ditch my family for yoga... I think I'll stick with the once a week women's gathering and perhaps take up a practice of my own. Me and Charlie ♥ In my new clothes :::grumble, grumble, grumble::: I'm not working to buy new clothes! Lucky for me, I inherited a pile of comfy (and work appropriate) clothing that, while just now beginning to slide off of me, I can use Aunt Karna's Magic to alter them :)
And right this very moment, I'm gonna appreciate the walking of the dog, listening to Sue Grafton (R)... knowing that, by golly, Life is Good.

Add "Hostile" to the List

I've been called some incredibly colorful words in my life. Even been accused of lots of cool stuff. Most of which I've actually done! It is with my heart filled with jubilant glee, that I announce I have officially been called hostile. Nope, not in any action I took with political revolution. Not even in a situation about which I hold passion. Not towards a well-deserved family member. Methinks it was a total and complete misunderstanding; either related to my questions clarifying paperwork required for me to get paid or a transference of the upsetedness I voiced for a Deaf client (which is called interpreting, which is the job for which I need to ensure I get paid). Funny that nothing about the situation from either of the other two human beings involved came across as out-of-the-ordinarily-happiness we experience daily. The whole hostile thing came as a complete surprise. My boss was shocked (by me? again?) at my giggling response. I've daydreamed since, of the freedom awarded by such a reputation. If you already think me hostile, then I can get away with ___________ without tarnishing my good name ;) The campus offers such amazing opportunities for mental (read: imaginary) rebellions!
For now, I'm happy to avoid the community space to which I am invited and entitled to use in the name of peace making and snark avoidance (in my own self, but oooooh I'm tempted!), and spend time instead, in the office of my friend, chatting about ASL, American Indigenous Peoples, and offering my expertise where it is requested, while drinking Japanese tea. With honorable people who have also been labeled as hostiles. I'm in good company. And Life is Good.
and tee hee, I'm hostile! ♥

I finally got to play it!!

Yes Mary, that fateful lyric finally became useful!
Today's word, in the lyrics game, is eyes. I played first:

Doncha know you have your daddy's eyes
Daddy was an alcoholic

I still think those boys are too dang cute for such an awful lyric in such an awful song...

One Word Answers

Not as easy as you might think! Now forward, change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It's really hard to only use one word answers. Be sure to send back to the person you received it from!

Where is your cell phone? Backpack

Your spouse? Dead

Your hair? Cut

Your mother? Funny

Your father? Evolving

Your favorite thing? LOVE

Your dream last night? Kiefer ♥

Your favorite drink? Coke

Your dream/goal? Happy

What room are you in? Office

Your hobby? Knitting

Your fear? Alone

Where do you want to be in 6 years? Home

Where were were you last night? Baking

Something that you aren't? Tall

Muffins? Dairy-free

Wish list item? Laptop

Where you grew up? Safe

Last thing you did? Blog

What are you wearing? Fleece

Your pets? CHARLIE!

Friends? True

Your life? Amazing

Your mood? Moody

Missing someone? D.U.H.

Your car? Swede

Something you're not wearing? Contacts

Your favorite store? TJs

Your favorite color? Green

When is the last time you laughed? Always

Last time you cried? Today

Who will resendpost this? YOU ♥

Where do you go to over and over? California

Five people who email me regularly? Sandra, Jon, Christine, Jojo, Elizabeth

My favorite place to eat? Cafe
(you know the one, who's name is more than one word)

Favorite place I'd like to be at right now? HOME ♥

Four people I think will respond? Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe :)

Dear God (& President Obama*)

Please destroy Tom Daschle's resignation letter. Cast down your flames and make it disappear! Please?! Please?! Please?!!!! Our country needs his help and guidance through our troublesome & uncertain future. We Americans need Human Beings, those who oops on their taxes and those who make sure those oops' are taken care of, alike.
We the people are not infallible, nor should our leaders be. Accountable and Authentic. Made-in-Your-image, perfectly-flawed Human BEings.
Please open the minds and hearts of those who are so strongly set against his nomination & confirmation. Give better busi-work to those who have nothing better to do than send doubts to heart of our new administration.
If you ain't playing nice, get the heck outta the game... is exactly what you should be touting to Washington, DC.
As always, Thy Will Be Done (it's just that it's so much nicer for me when our wills align...)
Many thanks, yet again,
me

P.S. If this is leading to something even cooler for Tom and the rest of America, I can't wait to see where we're going. I'll work on that whole "trust" thing, too.

*still giddy, everytime I hear this combination of words: President + Obama ♥