Gettin the Gumption

completely lost yesterday. don't know what happened, I slept away most of it. totally avoided the candle light service last night. absolutely not ready to go public.

Happy Solstice to Hayden, we picked up Guitar Hero II this morning... I'm feeling guilty because the disc for GHI is missing... and I got no gumption. So we each paid half and he gets his solstice gift 11 days early :) He just played Surrender by Cheap Trick. We used to sing it to the kids all the time. Long forgotten Family Anthem. Just know that this is what you got, Life is easier if you just surrender.
This is the December I got. I gotta surrender. I gotta surrender the Decembers I've already had. I've got to surrender the Decembers I won't ever have. I've gotta surrender to *this* December. To this only one time ever in this lifetime, this December right here. The one chance I've got at Now. Mama's alright; she just seems a little weird.
I surrender my sadness to the here and now.
I surrender my gift for joymaking and commit to sharing it with the world today.
I'm gettin' the gumption.
I'm dressed and out of bed. Not shrieking.
Three signs it's could be a good day.
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Dave Koz has a great holiday album, "December Makes Me Feel This Way" with a very peaceful picture of Dave smiling in the snow. He wrote it after his dad died. It's that melancholy joy that doesn't quite make sense, even in the midst of it. I'm gonna hang out with Dave and his saxophone today...
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Daily Horoscope for Gemini: Life can get complicated as you are left unsatisfied by the same light and easy interactions that are usually quite fulfilling. Although serious emotions can make you feel uneasy, you are being asked to swim into deeper waters now. You have much to learn about intimacy, though you may try to avoid the intensity at all costs. You can get ahead of the wave by diving in before you are pushed.
>hmmm, I am feeling this; it's not serious emotions making me feel uneasy, it's emotions, it's any emotional swimming of any kind. Yeah intimacy and intensity, fuck you, I'm just fine right here firmly on the sand, watching. Yeah, like that. So. Yeah. Huh? Right. I can, too. Right here. Stayin. Sure. For now. Not long, though. Okay, fine! I'll feel, but it will suck. Not mostly suck, some suck, but suck just the same. Just so ya know.
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Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything. - Kurt Vonnegut
>well, I've got that going for me, I'm a freakin' laugh a minute over here! Somebody come laugh at me!

Winter Solstice

I love, love, love Winter Solstice... we've had a yule log and good company, as our tradition continues to grow and take shape; each year a celebration of it's own. One year we took part in a Palm Family tradition of the Advent Spiral. Hands down my favorite of all renewal ceremonies.

Melanie laid a spiral out on her basement floor with duct tape and garland. In the center stood "The Source," a lit candle to represent your personal source of "Light Renewal." The circle was opened with prayer. Each participant has their own unlit candle to meditate with as we stand in circle; each person walking the spiral, towards the Light, in silence. Once the Light has been Renewed from the Center, the group begins to share the ways the Light does Shine from this individual. Lit candles are left along the way, to illuminate the Way of others to come. When the ceremony is completed by everyone present, our Collective Light is a powerful reminder of Life Possible. I'm so excited to take part in the Spiral again this year and I'm excited to bring home the inspiration to an East River Solstice celebration, too.
It will be a dark sky, come Solstice... perfect night for a fire and some dancing and bell ringing and sharing of the gifts with the neighborhood critters.

My Courageous Self Portrait

Red

It's the Real thing... all hail the sacred red!

A.C.T.

This advice deserves it's own post... powerful! To serve as a great expression of what *IS* and an amazing testament to the inherent wisdom within Christine...

>>I have a huge fear of holiday family gatherings... the business-as-usual act is gonna grate on me, but turning Hannah into a side-show will, too... where is the balance? Where can we miss her and be so sad she's not here and still have a joyful holiday with our Lights renewed through one another? <<

Acknowledge that you miss her, outloud,
Commit to the feeling, cry, speak, walk away, whatever,
Transition the feeling, for the JOY that actually exists, AS
Hannah, through Hannah, for all of you this Christmas.

This was my instinct, cuz, geez, if you can't fall apart and be miserable around your family, then recover, eat some hot plate...and go home, then it's just not Christmas!!

I admire you very much, your ability to balance your grief with the joy that is Diana, it is an amazing act of Geminitis, perhaps even inventing a new emotion known has Dianaitis: simultaneously being gut wrenching sad and giggling like a fool, with tears streaming down your grinning face.

hang in there (lame phrase)

Love You (cool phrase)

Christine

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If *this* is what's hiding beneath anyone's fear, a deep intense beautiful Wisdom, then I say we all need to take Amy's advice and "fuck away the fear and maybe, just maybe, the distain will disappear!" That icky self-distain that prevents us from being wholly who we are. I feel it creeping in, an unwelcome addition to my list... ah, but it is the list that attracts it...
Life is Good and I will continue to be supported in this view by the world around me.
I am lucky and I am blessed.
Thanks.

I already knew this...

Tuesday, December 5, 2006 Your moods are a bit uncontrollable today and this can inspire you to react without thinking. More often, you are the one who cleverly motivates others, but the tables are turned for the next few weeks as your associates push you into action. You won't be able to get away without cooperating, so use this phase to act in a forward-thinking manner instead of waiting until it's too late.

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So instead of wallowing today, I did this:

I did the artwork last week, but today I assembled over 20 of them and I did some different ones, too... Watercolor was really fun, like way more fun than I ever remember. Very cathartic, this project.
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Tonight I celebrate the Gemini Full Moon with my Sisters... all will Be Well.

Courage

So it is... what a great topic for me to address this month. I will require the most courage I think I've ever mustered in my entire life.

Putting the tree up was a leap of faith, faith that something will feel good about this holiday; that I can capture the Spirit and allow the newness to Be.
Wallowing was high on my list of priorities today. It didn't work. Traditionally, it doesn't work. When I talk about it, people are so amazed, the whole "pity party" theme is gone as I work to convince them that indeed I am miserable. 'cept it is true that I am rarely wholly miserable. Even in the darkest times, I am aware of the Light of Life that surrounds me and how amazing this existence is. Still doesn't mean that it's all roses and sunshine... it's like that danged balance my horoscope talks about... when am I sad? to whom do I speak? where is it safe? who will tell me that indeed it's fucked up and I shouldn't have to do this and I don't have to do what I don't wanna?
I have a huge fear of holiday family gatherings... the business-as-usual act is gonna grate on me, but turning Hannah into a side-show will, too... where is the balance? Where can we miss her and be so sad she's not here and still have a joyful holiday with our Lights renewed through one another? There are so many other joys to share, new futures to begin...

I dunno. I'm bleeding and I'm crying and I'm lonely and I'm just gonna freak out for a little while. Then I'll be okay. That's what I do.

Meanwhile, the Tree is beautiful!

But what if I don't wanna??

General Daily Overview

The Full Moon in dualistic Gemini at 7:25 pm EST reflects our need to connect everyday experiences with a wider vision of life. We are inquisitive and want to interact more with others, especially as the Moon picks up on a tense square with eccentric Uranus. Meanwhile, Gemini's key planet Mercury squares stern Saturn, restricting what is said. Still, we must activate our minds by engaging in dialogue to learn about our role in the world.

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20) You can change your mind so quickly today that it's difficult knowing which self is the true you. This Full Moon in your sign requires you to balance your feelings with the expectations of others. The bottom line is that if you want to howl at the Moon, go ahead and do it. It's better to express things as you feel them, rather than letting the emotions bottle up inside you.

6 years a widow...

The Last Night

...of my 6th year in the Life formerly known as the New One;
this chapter must be the New New Life.

For somethin' I was never gonna do I'm not sure how to measure my aptitude... I'm certainly doing and I'm chugging along being and that is what it is... My Life.
I like to mark Mitch's Death Day. Notsomuch for Mitch anymore... it's my day, it's the day a brand new diana was born. The diana never imagined. The diana stretched. The diana whole. The diana with courage. The diana with faith. The diana who remembers. The diana who knows.
I am surrounded by faith. The souls entrusted to my heart and care have faith in me. I am in awe of my own power. I am strong. I am brave. I am whole. Right Here, Right Now... and when Over There, Whenever becomes Right Here, Right Now, that will be perfect, too. And I am equipped. I have skills. I have Wisdom. I am open to knowledge. I heal and I tend. I breathe and am calm. I laugh and spread Joy. My Light will shine and my path shall be illuminated by the warm hearts of my friends. My Love will stretch and grow. My Patience runneth over. Abundant is my Life; my Life is Abundant.
Once again, my prayer tomorrow:

For all that has come to pass, I say Thanks.
For all that has yet to come, I say YES!

It's all Julie's fault...

Self Portrait Challenge
Yep, I'm just gonna do it...

I didn't have the courage to do last month's glam shot (that, and my skin was not so glamourous last month...), but in light of the 37 days thingie, I'm gonna begin December with 37 days of Courage (I mean Courage where even *I* struggle with it... like facing myself...)
This month's challenge is RED and I've got til Tuesday to perfect my Self Portrait techniques and come up with some ideerers...
So Thanks Julie!