My internal dialogue about alcohol...

This is an exerpt of my thought process from Unschooling Discussion... sometimes I forget it's a public forum and begin to think I'm just chatting with my friends (eek!). My friend Sandra nailed me and my erroneous thought patterns, thank goodness! My writings are in Green...

>anyone with a family history of alcoholism, I'd be interested to know if you've worried about your kids getting addicted, and how you've dealt with that. From the information out there, it seems that our kids are more at risk because of the genetic link. I think that we reduce the risk with mindful parenting and unschooling, but it's still there. We talk about it openly, like any other subject and they know the history, but I don't make a big deal out of it. <

I have a grandfather who drank himself to death. When I was a kid, I couldn't understand what the big deal was... he was a lot more fun than the other grown-ups, even if he did pass out in the trunk of the car one 4th of July and we had to drive home with him there because he wouldn't wake up! Monthly, he would call from the bar in the middle of the night and demand to talk to me on the phone. It was a huge point of contention for my parents, but Dad would come wake me up to get his drunk father off the phone (one of my very favorite memories of him, as early back as kindergarten age). Even after dx with cirrhosis of the liver, he continued drinking. I was sad to see him die, when I was 17, but I knew his *medication* stopped killing his pain and began creating it, years before.

I'm at a point in my life when I've drank more alcohol in the past year than in many years cumulative... Both because I'm older and wine is different now than it was in my 20's but also for the medicinal, numbing aspect. I recently blogged about needing a drink after a co-graduate from my high school decided to spend our reunion picnic reliving her choice to terminate a deformed pregnancy 10 years ago. I was fragile and shocked (though that was mistaken for compassionate and bonded). A drink helped me not want to run her over with my car. Then I had this whole internal dialogue about how justified I am in becoming an alcoholic at this point in my life... who would begrudge me?? I'm still justified, I've just decided that though I have all the permission & justification I need, it's not the wisest choice for me in my life, right now. It's still a choice, a valid one at that. Not one I *have to* choose. Strange, but it gives me comfort to know that choice is still there, even if I don't pick it.

That said, there's not a chemical decision I make in a day that hasn't been openly discussed. From my need for coca-cola to chocolate to Advil to alcohol -- talked about and processed (if not right there in the moment, at some other time when the connection shows itself). Hayden says he likes the taste of wine and recently he said he'd like to grow up and drink beer. His dad did, I think he sees it as a way to bond, even post-mortem. I don't throw in my judgment, but we talk about why, when and how. I sincerely hope he's not pained to the point of *needing* alcohol for soul-pain medication; though if he is, I hope his internal dialogue is much like mine - permission to choose, justification to choose and the discovery of the strength to not *need* it, to get thru the issues without it or at least without dependence on it.

I dunno if that clarifies or muddies the point... a child pained to the point of alcoholism is not a situation I've planned for, in fact, it's one I'm striving daily to avoid.

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-=-Then I had this whole internal dialogue about how justified I am in becoming an alcoholic at this point in my life... who would begrudge me??-=-

Hayden, eventually (if not sooner).

-=-I dunno if that clarifies or muddies the point... -=-

I think muddies.
If you know it wouldn't make Hayden's life, or yours, or your lives together better, why even treat it like a "valid" choice?

If it IS a valid choice, would heroin be too? Suicide? Because Hayden's still alive.

-=-I hope his internal dialogue is much like mine - permission to choose, justification to choose-=-

I really don't see it. Why wouldn't a good cry or a walk around the block be better than even the thought that alcohol was a valid, justifiable choice?

Sandra

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Sandra Dodd wrote:
> -=-Then I had this whole internal dialogue about how justified I am in becoming an alcoholic at this point in my life... who would begrudge me??-=-

> Hayden, eventually (if not sooner).

Exactly! Even if he sympathized and understood the reasoning (it's all so logical in my brain!), there would still be the "absent mommy" syndrome to clean up after...

-=-I dunno if that clarifies or muddies the point... -=-

> I think muddies.
> If you know it wouldn't make Hayden's life, or yours, or your lives
> together better, why even treat it like a "valid" choice?

> If it IS a valid choice, would heroin be too? Suicide? Because
> Hayden's still alive.

Even icky choices are valid... they just don't make it to the top of the list. And it *is* because Hayden's here, watching, learning what it's like to deal with what we're dealing with, looking to me to see how the heck this is supposed to be dealt with, how it *can* be dealt with, that
keeps me from checking out and avoiding our whole Life. I can look at how the first two shots would make me feel happy, it's nice to feel happy... then there's the sense of false happiness. I really believe there are times I'm supposed to BE whatever emotion rolls over me...
sometimes I need to be sad and there's no amount of alcohol (or any other chemical) that will take away my reasons for unhappiness. Holding the long-term goal of Joy helps avoid (direct my choice away from) any "happiness-veneer" that may be available.
WWMD (What would mommy do?) will be/is an internal dialogue of Hayden's - modeling healthy, soulful choices is a huge priority for me. I hadn't really sat down and thought long and hard about how I'd handle one child's death for my own self, let alone the remaining child... I feel
like I'm off-roading at this point in the journey. Medicating would certainly provide me with some pavement, but I *know* that road leads where I don't want us to go. In order to continue heading in the direction I want this family to go, my choices need to line up... I guess I just talked myself out of alcohol being a valid option in that context!! Okay, so in the big whole wide world way, it is an option, but in the narrower path of Joyful Living & unschooling, it loses it's
validation...

> -=-I hope his internal dialogue is much like mine - permission to
> choose, justification to choose -=-

> I really don't see it. Why wouldn't a good cry or a walk around the
> block be better than even the thought that alcohol was a valid,
> justifiable choice?

Oh they are at the top of my list, they're what I *do* but they're not the only options...

I've been engrossed in _Conversations with God_ lately again... The Voice asserts one cannot deal with anything they are in denial about because your brain really wants those things not to exist and thereby cannot acknowledge them.
By looking at alcohol (or any other form of Escape) full-on and acknowledging the benefits AND the costs, I am truly free to choose something else. At least that's how it makes sense in my head...

That was a great process for me, I'm glad I didn't keep in all internal!
~diana :)

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-=-Okay, so in the big whole wide world way, it is an option, but in the narrower path of Joyful Living & unschooling, it loses it's validation... -=-

I feel better! I was afraid I'd have to stock up on wine before you got here, and slip you AA pamphlets all through the conference. I do know where to get 'em, y'know...

Sandra

Deschooling Grownups

When we realize our life is not defined by our *formal education* but from life's experiences, joys, play... hobbies.  Here's a snippet of wisdom from one of my favorite sources, Sandra Dodd:

-=-Sometimes I want to embark on a project, and when people ask me why I'm doing it, it never seems to be enough to say: "Because I want to." -=-

But if you say "Because I'm..."
curious
interested
intrigued
 it looks fun

then I bet some of them would perk up and get it.

"To see if I can do it" is a common and real answer to such things. Why do some people build boats or airplanes or customize cars, or make guns and knives when they're for sale at Walmart?  (Comment good in some parts of the U.S. only, and few other places, I guess.)  Why would a woman enter a "sheep to shawl" competition?  It's a big challenge and curiosity.

It's a game.

It's play.

If you call yourself something that suggests that you are that thing and others aren't, it seems a way to be further isolated, not more connected. 
Because of the Society for Creative Anachronism, we've had lots of "reasons" to do things, but the real reason is always just to see if we can.  If I make a pie in a period manner instead of just buying one, it's not because it was cheaper or easier, that's for sure!  My husband has been carving wooden boxes, even though we don't NEED a box.  He's been giving some of them away and using some to hold the materials to make others. 

http://sandradodd.com/knotwork
One is there.

People who think that's cool usually have their own stories to share, and crafts and hobbies. Those who look blankly and can't imagine why anyone would want to do that aren't really our friends.  They've wandered by for some reason, and probably won't be invited back. 

If we *are* something that other adults aren't, it's just people with hobbies and projects.  There always have been people like that.  I don't see that coming up with a new word will help or change it.

Sandra

Henry Rollins, Morgan Spurlock, et al

This name keeps foating to the forefront of my brain... I know Black Flag, from my wanna-be punk 80's days... I recorded the Punk documentary on IFC, so I know the man has an incredible perspective on life and is willing to share with the world. John showed me the lyrics to Illumination last weekend:

I walked green miles of jungle
I walked through yellow miles of pain
I crossed starvation's desert
Watched dead rivers swell with rain

The song of insects filled the air
Nights and cities of despair
A killer sun sets sunday wear
And all the roads from here to there

Yeah

I sailed the sea of desolation
Dropped my anchor there
Plumbed the depths of isolation
Walked its length and was not scared
Went from end to end to end
And from there I went again
The road that only this one knows
Off to nowhere
Here I go

Illumination comes so hard
Makes me see but it leaves its scars
At times I wish that I didn't know what I know now
Thought and thought until I lost my mind
Looked and looked until I went near blind
The path is fair but so unkind
Illumination

(solo)

At night the highway's diesel roar
Speaks to me and tells me more
Than any book I've ever read
Or anything you've ever said
Through silent eyes inside
I watch myself and worlds collide
The seasons burn and crack my skin
I stay outside and live within

Illumination comes so hard
Makes me see but it leaves its scars
At times I wish that I didn't know what I know now
Thought and thought until I lost my mind
Looked and looked until I went near blind
The path is fair but so unkind
Illumination
Illumination
Illumination
Illumination
Illumination

The bold words had me bawling...
I recorded an episode of his IFC show. Honestly, he's hard to look at, I can tell he's not totally comfortable with the cameras... but he did ask the kind of questions I would ask, his curiosity for life is right in line with mine.

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On another note... 30 Days is back!!
I just saw the episode where an Athiest mama stays with an Evangelical Christian family. She held herself well and should be very proud of herself after a month in that kind of environment. She was eloquent and self-assured; more than one person was surprised to find her a moral and ethical human being (but how without a bibilical basis?? was asked often). Two really screwed up perceptions of athiests: (1) All athiests believe Darwin without question. Doncha know, athiests are the only ones who don't know it's a theory. I'm gonna ask my friend Sandra and her kids, my token athiests; I'd bet they know it's a theory and I'd bet they don't buy it. (2) my favorite comment from Christian Daddy, "It's not fair she's raising those kids as athiests, without allowing them the choice of being Christian." So my question to you, Morally Superior Parent: Are you allowing your children the choice of being athiests?
Next Wednesday: New Age Healing...

May you be blessed

What a great way to wake up this morning...

We Send You Our Blessings

Thanks, Ren for sending me this link weeks ago... I guess I didn't need it until today

Thanks Hannah

Three weeks from today is the 10th anniversary of becoming a mommy... well, Christine did say I always was a mommy, that was just the day I got my own kid ::bg::
Oh, how much my life has changed with the emergence of that child from my body... my first true inkling of the strength I possess.
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Hannah went to Christine first. I so desperately wanted to get pregnant immediately after our wedding and it just didn't happen as quickly as my plans outlined... then I got the fateful call: Christine was pregnant -- and very unhappily so. She was on her last days in a horrific marriage and was figuring out how to handle the two wonderful children she already had, as a single mom. I was livid, while trying to console my ungrateful best friend, how could the Universe do this to me? to us?? The next weeks were filled with teary conversations as both Christine and I came to terms with the reality of our lives -- her with three, me with none. Eventually, our conversations turned to acceptance, even joyful acceptance of the Now. [face it, being sad and resentful didn't help my conception attempts!] Then Christmas happened! I was innocently walking through the living room, there was Gloria Estefan singing Silent Night; normally not a big deal, a really pretty song... 'cept this version's video contains footage of worldwide death and desperation. I started to cry, left the room and continued to cry for a long time after that... I finally settled in the bathroom (it was getting embarrassing by then!) and spied the pregnancy test, the one I bought to test the month before but couldn't take the double disappointment of the test and my moon time, and I thought what the hell and I peed on the stick, crying all the while... It immediately turned pink and my tears became those of JOY, JOY, JOY!!! I would get to be pregnant with my bestest friend, what could be better than that?? After telling Mitch and those who were there, I called Christine... she was already crying when she answered the phone... she was in the middle of a miscarriage that had begun that day. Alas, we were not going to be pregnant together, the baby was to be mine, though ours still.
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Here's the picture she drew to explain... It hung in Hannah's space, always!
(click the picture to enlarge)

We're bikin' it!

Gettin ready for a ride, it's only 100 degrees!


Mommy's pretty bike!


I made it! Okay to the gasstation 8 blocks away, but I made it!

peace, brought to me by Pam L

Thank You Pam!! I got these at World Market :) The earrings have little buddhas on them and the necklace is full of Goddess swirlies!! I feel so loved and centered wearing them!

Sad Day at All Souls

Hayden's Peace Circle...

I need to be in a circle of peace... today our congregation decided NOT to purchase the church that hosted Hannah's memorial service. We've been tossing the idea around for years now, it finally culminated in today's vote.
FUCK the democratic process!! We showed up, WE count, WE're the majority aaarrrggghhh!! Yeah, yeah, yeah, I already know... I'm still a UU even without a church home, I'm still a member of All Souls even when my needs are not addressed or met. I'm sad for my own reasons... I want to go back and BE in the space that was occupied by those who love Hannah so much, I don't want icky judgmental people in that space (and yet I'm being ickily judgmental by saying so!)... Faith, I guess that's what it is... deciding that I *will* have perspective and see that this sacred space was better occupied by another group...
Good news, Hannah's bench at Falls Park should be done by the end of August. I'm hoping to have some kind of service or ceremony down there with the church folk... It will be tough to schedule with the upcoming birthdays, conference and touring. Mayhap mid September...

The FIRE at Shelly's house, our communal pyre...  

My beeeuuuuuutiful palm! I only had to let this Henna set for about 3 hours!