How blessed am I?

Infinitely Blessed, that's what I am... I feel totally alive, on fire, okay maybe I'm just a bit manic, but my it's my very favorite part of being bi-polar, a.k.a. human :::vbeg:::

I'm enjoying the clear view of my own life I have at this moment; the difference between Observer v Judge is exactly like wide screen v full screen: it's the same show, but not. The farther along the chakra path your energy, the wider the screen becomes; hence, the Big Picture. The Observer's ideal viewing is from the Crown... My Observer's just happy to be out of my ass!!
I've got some amazing developments in my little world... Once again, the shifting and flowing of energy, the comings and goings of important lessons, gifts of love and loss. I have received love when at my most unloveable, I've done my best to love those feeling unloved. I am awash with happiness and peace. I am practicing what it is I want to be great at... being Hayden's mindful mommy, being diana's faithful lover & loyal companion, dreaming the big dreams, laughing, loving, thanking, rejoycing and LIVING and BEing... and all the while drinking fair trade organic coffee ::g::

signs, signs, everywhere signs...

~The Reading~ A work in progress...
Meditation: My Family's future...

Present: 10 of Pentacles
Prosperity, Security, Safety, Family, Family Matters, Ancestry, Inheritence, Home, Dwelling
~admonition to share your wealth~
-=1. Everything is present -- child, adult, old man ... humans, animals ... culture and civilization ... home and far away ..... The picture is complete, but unconnected -- you provide the connection. =-


Immediate Influence: Page of Pentacles
Deep Concentration & Application, Study, Scholarship, Reflection, Respect for Knowledge, Desire for Learning & New Ideas, Do-gooder, Bearer of News
~industrious child~
-=2. A child of the earth. Ashes and diamonds are made up of the same combination of chemicals (carbon), and in this sense, they are identical. But the different pressures they were exposed to in the earth brought about different results. The same is true for your manifestation, and your family's. The stress of this time will help develop new skills, and others will necessarily lose their importance. =-


Goal/Destiny: Page of Swords
Vigilance, Agility, Spying/Discreet person, Active Youth, Person adept and Perceiving, Discerning & uncovering the Unknown or that less Obvious, Quality of Insight
~temperamental Brat~
-=3. The page carries a child's energy -- the sword represents the adventure of the mind. Let yourself be inspired by the one mind that is present everywhere. =-


Distant Past/Foundation: Knight of Rods
Departure, A Journey, Advancement into the Unknown, Aliteration, Flight, Absence, Change of Residence
-=4. This card is the energy and action of fire, intuition, paired with the quick-witted knight. You act before you know the why, and that's as it needs to be. Unused energies turn into dead weight that only tires you and makes things more difficult. The fire uses and renews every ounce of energy that you can bring to the task. =-


Recent Past Events: Ace of Pentacles
Perfection, Attainment, Prosperity, Felicity, Great wealth, Riches, Bliss, Ecstacy, Gold, Valueable Coins or Artifacts, Treasures, Combination of material/spritual prosperity
~Bonanza, birth of a dark haired child~
-=5. This card is all the possibilities of manifestation -- the tension between the spiritual and the material, between savage and humane, between dream and reality. It represents a time of re-evaluating the meaning of your existence -- what you have to offer the world and what the world has to offer you. =-


Future Influence: XIV Temperence
Moderation, Temperence, Patience, Accomplishment through Self Control & Frugality, Accomodation, Harmony, Mixing/Bringing together into Perfect Union, Management, Compatibility, Fusion, Adjustment, Good Influence, Fortunate Omen, Consolidation, Successful Combination
~grabbin the gold and shaking the shit off; finding the balance, the perfect mixture~
-=Taking the coarse materials and letting yourself be the vessel in which they are transformed into true and precious gold. This card reminds me to hold the tension, to feel it, to breathe it in, and then to release it. =-


The Questioner: 10 of Rods
Excessive pressure, Problems resolved, Striving to meet Goals or maintain Certain Level, Powers used Selfishly?
~woe caused by malicious people who lie for the devilment of it~
-=Totally focused. With this bundle of energy, it takes complete focus to move the bundle forward. You are giving this task your undivided attention in order to understand the cosmic logic involved. =-


Environmental Factors: 9 of Swords
Misery, Concern, Unhappiness, Anxiety over Loved One, worry, Dispair, Suffering
--A sleepless woman sits bowed in despair, oppressed by 9 Swords--
*Comprehend the incomprehensible*
~confess recent acts of anger~
-=Yes, there is an aspect of nightmare and despair to this card -- but it also indicates that you are grasping the consequences and meanings of your thoughts, a connection that will allow you to go beyond knee-jerk reactions to a true heart/mind connection. =-


Inner Emotions: Knight of Pentacles
Mature & Responsible Person, Reliable, Methodical, Patient, Persistent, Ability to Conclude Tasks, Laborious, Organized, Capable, Dependable Person
~young person hoarding money~
-=This card allows you the freedom to stop sweeping your blunders and the mess of reality under the rug, to let these things fertilize the field of your life, the garden of your experience. In agrarian days, horses went to a lot of work to cart their own manure to the fields, so it could feed plants that gave our ancestors wine and bread. In the same way, we often make our messes in private -- our shortcomings that we can't ignore, overcome, or put aside -- but we can bring them out into the light and see what will grow. =-


Final Result: Queen of Pentacles
Prosperity & Well-Being, Wealth, Abundance, Luxury, Opulence, Extreme Comfort, Generosity, Security, Liberty, Magnificence, Grace, Dignity, Rich, Generous & Charitable, Noble Soul
-=So many Pentacles in this reading -- so much about the connection to reality, about paying attention to reality, even questioning the definition of reality. The queen in particular is the connection of soul and matter, the "brass tacks work" of dealing with the difficulties in life and death. So much of what you said on the phone is in her -- Cultivating what you cherish the most. Knowing that each human being is a unique product of nature -- loving that which is alive in you and in the people around you. Manifestation will take on the many facets of the soul, and it won't always make sense, but the queen does her job simply by staying connected and present, holding onto her shield/pentacle/earth with tears in her eyes.=-

Blessing moon

What an amazing night... What an amazing last few days... I'm overwhelmed and refreshed as, thankfully, once again, my head has sought freedom from deep within my ass... I made a totally cool new friend, I lost a really cool kinda new boyfriend, I've had a couple of great, amazing days with my son, I've shed tears for myself, yelled at myself, resolved to be far more kind and gentle with myself, I read my cards, I listened to new music, I surrounded myself with love and light and peace and kindness (and a toasted almond fudge icecream cone) and immense gratitude for the millions of tiny blessings that make up my gigantically huge joyful life! Thank you, thank you, thank you & Yes, yes, yes!!! ::::dancing::::

Karaoke for the Deaf

http://www.extremefunnypictures.com/funnypic1040.htm#taffer

hee hee hee, I hope you pee, pee, pee!!

Patches...

My old fat fat fat kitty...
She's just not been the same without Hannah (know how she feels!). She's been far more needy than usual and more vocal, too, like she was with Mitch -- though I didn't really notice she got quiet, since I wasn't the one she talked to. Her walking has looked painful for the last 6 months and she got an unusually large *crazy spot* in front of her tail (bigger and more reactive than before and than in other cats) that makes her twitch all funny (Jeremy thought it was amusing until she peed all over him while he touched her there)... of course, being so fat and non-dexterious, she's not been keeping herself very clean. She has just started wanting to go outside again (she was outside her first three years in CA), not wandering more than a few feet from the door and coming in after only a few hours.
Since we returned from Bemidji, we notice she's lost a lot of weight (probably not noticeable to others), she able to move much more easily and her *crazy spot* is completely bald; the skin looks fine and not irritated, just bald. She is refusing to come into the house, prefering to hang out by the door and chase away the neighbor's cat (aarrgghh! I hate, hate, hate that f*ckin' cat!), her fur is much cleaner... but she's not eating or drinking fresh water.
Is this what cats do when they're preparing to die?? She's pretty ding, dang old and I'm as prepared as I can be with her death, but I don't look forward to yet another loss, but I do look forward to her joining Mitch and Hannah and Cheba-kittty and Chi-Chi-dog...

They...

They may see the good you do
as self serving.
Continue to do good.

They may see your generosity
as grandstanding.
Continue to be generous.

They may see your warm
and caring nature as a weakness.
Continue to be warm and caring.

For you see, in the end,
it is between you and God.
It never was between you
and them anyway.

what the hell am I doing??

Ever had one of those days?? one of those lives?? I just wonder what exactly I was thinking (or drinking?!) when I signed up for *this* life!! Yeah, yeah, yeah maybe it isn't a manifestation of my soul, but that thought really does ring True, that *I* indeed am my universe's master of ceremonies and *I* do bring to the surface what needs to be seen, touched, felt, examined, catagorized, analyzed and understood... Why? is the googleplex dollar question. Somewhere I thought I needed a boyfriend who doesn't quite *get* me? I thought it would be a great idea to raise my kid in poverty, cause I'd rather hang out with him than have a meaningless job for more money? What the hell, throw in marrying a guy who's gonna die on me and whatthehell, how about you have a kid you're perfectly matched to parent and let her die, too? God is insane. That's the conclusion. Like a, like, well, I can't think of what it's like exactly, cause there's nothing else like this situation in the whole of the universe (and I know this because if there were, I would never feel so alone)... God does sometimes enjoy the Moses on the throne image, sitting there, bemused and we mere mortals and our self-created insanity (or is that God induced?) search and search and search for meaning where I seriously doubt any exists in the first place -- for the sick amusement of our future selves? Surely not just to have something to do until we can achieve nirvana and understand it all in hindsight. Maybe the meaning is right here, right here inside me and I'm too much of a fucking chicken to acknowledge it (pretty close to the Truth -- I know cause I didn't like thinking it, let alone typing it)... aarrgghh, but not really.
Today's actually a great day. I'm gonna be a very pretty bridesmaid next month. I noticed I actually have tan lines! (okay, they're beige lines, but it's a color change!!) Hayden's happily enjoying some Eli time. I got a good night's sleep. It's the third day of my cycle and the flood is abating. The moon is growing larger and larger and soon we'll get to see her whole face!
I think I'll scrounge up a buzz and maybe some make-out time... the questions will still be here and the answers will still be mysteries, but I'll have a big-ol' shit eatin' grin on my face!

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are very passionate and quite temperamental. While you can be moody, you always crave comfort. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You believe that people see you for how you are, not how you look. But deep down, you know that's not exactly true. Your near future is still unknown, and a little scary. You'll get through wild times - and you'll textually enjoy it. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

The trick is to keep breathing...

She's not the kind of girl

Who likes to tell the world

About the way she feels about herself

She takes a little time in making up her mind

She doesn't want to fight against the tide

And lately I'm not the only one

I say never trust anyone

Always the one who has to drag her down

Maybe you'll get what you want this time around

Can't bear to face the truth

So sick he cannot move

And when it hurts he takes it out on you

And lately I'm not the only one

I say never trust anyone

Always the one who has to drag her down

Maybe you'll get what you want this time around

The trick is to keep breathing [x2]

She knows the human heart

And how to read the stars

Now everything's about to fall apart

I won't be the one who's going to let you down

Maybe you'll get what you want this time around

I won't be the one who's going to let you down

Maybe you'll get what you want this time around

The trick is to keep breathing [x7]

Saturday morning...

as I stood outside my door, wondering how today will be, I got to hear bagpipes, sweet and lonely, floating through the morning light between the trees...

I read Anne Lamott as I waited for the computer to start up... "So when the seasons change, buckle up." and "You never know exactly where the knot is going to release, but usually, if you keep working with it, it will." -- It gives me great peace to know this woman exists, that someone else, lovable and courageous, is just as human and freaky as I am.

~
I'm off to a good start... Important because I moped yesterday. Didn't really think moping actually occurred, but it does, I now know. I left my bed and curled up on the sofa and watched DVR all stinkin day. Then I decided that just wasn't enough excitement for me, so I tried pissy for a while. Well, pretty much no reward for that kind of attitude. There are not a lot of places to go with pissiness, it's a shame, it's the least tolerated human emotion ::bg:: So, while my son was having a great time with his friend and my nephew, I escaped... I got to meet with the king and a fellow Gemini freak ::g:: vented a lot of my pissiness, then figured a couple of things out: 1) I pretty much deserve to be as pissy as I need to be, 2) I need to find people I can count on to be pissy with, without emotional consequences, 3) I need to retain my rational Self, to a certain degree, I have enough real stuff to cry about no need to make shit up or sweat the small stuff. I guess that's actually a few things, but my point is, I do feel better, both with my pissiness and my ability to reason it away, at my leisure.
~
I gonna meditate, then some bucklin' up! Summer's here!