What an amazing night... What an amazing last few days... I'm overwhelmed and refreshed as, thankfully, once again, my head has sought freedom from deep within my ass... I made a totally cool new friend, I lost a really cool kinda new boyfriend, I've had a couple of great, amazing days with my son, I've shed tears for myself, yelled at myself, resolved to be far more kind and gentle with myself, I read my cards, I listened to new music, I surrounded myself with love and light and peace and kindness (and a toasted almond fudge icecream cone) and immense gratitude for the millions of tiny blessings that make up my gigantically huge joyful life! Thank you, thank you, thank you & Yes, yes, yes!!! ::::dancing::::
Monday, July 10, 2006
Friday, July 07, 2006
Patches...
My old fat fat fat kitty...
She's just not been the same without Hannah (know how she feels!). She's been far more needy than usual and more vocal, too, like she was with Mitch -- though I didn't really notice she got quiet, since I wasn't the one she talked to. Her walking has looked painful for the last 6 months and she got an unusually large *crazy spot* in front of her tail (bigger and more reactive than before and than in other cats) that makes her twitch all funny (Jeremy thought it was amusing until she peed all over him while he touched her there)... of course, being so fat and non-dexterious, she's not been keeping herself very clean. She has just started wanting to go outside again (she was outside her first three years in CA), not wandering more than a few feet from the door and coming in after only a few hours.
Since we returned from Bemidji, we notice she's lost a lot of weight (probably not noticeable to others), she able to move much more easily and her *crazy spot* is completely bald; the skin looks fine and not irritated, just bald. She is refusing to come into the house, prefering to hang out by the door and chase away the neighbor's cat (aarrgghh! I hate, hate, hate that f*ckin' cat!), her fur is much cleaner... but she's not eating or drinking fresh water.
Is this what cats do when they're preparing to die?? She's pretty ding, dang old and I'm as prepared as I can be with her death, but I don't look forward to yet another loss, but I do look forward to her joining Mitch and Hannah and Cheba-kittty and Chi-Chi-dog...
She's just not been the same without Hannah (know how she feels!). She's been far more needy than usual and more vocal, too, like she was with Mitch -- though I didn't really notice she got quiet, since I wasn't the one she talked to. Her walking has looked painful for the last 6 months and she got an unusually large *crazy spot* in front of her tail (bigger and more reactive than before and than in other cats) that makes her twitch all funny (Jeremy thought it was amusing until she peed all over him while he touched her there)... of course, being so fat and non-dexterious, she's not been keeping herself very clean. She has just started wanting to go outside again (she was outside her first three years in CA), not wandering more than a few feet from the door and coming in after only a few hours.
Since we returned from Bemidji, we notice she's lost a lot of weight (probably not noticeable to others), she able to move much more easily and her *crazy spot* is completely bald; the skin looks fine and not irritated, just bald. She is refusing to come into the house, prefering to hang out by the door and chase away the neighbor's cat (aarrgghh! I hate, hate, hate that f*ckin' cat!), her fur is much cleaner... but she's not eating or drinking fresh water.
Is this what cats do when they're preparing to die?? She's pretty ding, dang old and I'm as prepared as I can be with her death, but I don't look forward to yet another loss, but I do look forward to her joining Mitch and Hannah and Cheba-kittty and Chi-Chi-dog...
They...
They may see the good you do
as self serving.
Continue to do good.
They may see your generosity
as grandstanding.
Continue to be generous.
They may see your warm
and caring nature as a weakness.
Continue to be warm and caring.
For you see, in the end,
it is between you and God.
It never was between you
and them anyway.
as self serving.
Continue to do good.
They may see your generosity
as grandstanding.
Continue to be generous.
They may see your warm
and caring nature as a weakness.
Continue to be warm and caring.
For you see, in the end,
it is between you and God.
It never was between you
and them anyway.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
what the hell am I doing??
Ever had one of those days?? one of those lives?? I just wonder what exactly I was thinking (or drinking?!) when I signed up for *this* life!! Yeah, yeah, yeah maybe it isn't a manifestation of my soul, but that thought really does ring True, that *I* indeed am my universe's master of ceremonies and *I* do bring to the surface what needs to be seen, touched, felt, examined, catagorized, analyzed and understood... Why? is the googleplex dollar question. Somewhere I thought I needed a boyfriend who doesn't quite *get* me? I thought it would be a great idea to raise my kid in poverty, cause I'd rather hang out with him than have a meaningless job for more money? What the hell, throw in marrying a guy who's gonna die on me and whatthehell, how about you have a kid you're perfectly matched to parent and let her die, too? God is insane. That's the conclusion. Like a, like, well, I can't think of what it's like exactly, cause there's nothing else like this situation in the whole of the universe (and I know this because if there were, I would never feel so alone)... God does sometimes enjoy the Moses on the throne image, sitting there, bemused and we mere mortals and our self-created insanity (or is that God induced?) search and search and search for meaning where I seriously doubt any exists in the first place -- for the sick amusement of our future selves? Surely not just to have something to do until we can achieve nirvana and understand it all in hindsight. Maybe the meaning is right here, right here inside me and I'm too much of a fucking chicken to acknowledge it (pretty close to the Truth -- I know cause I didn't like thinking it, let alone typing it)... aarrgghh, but not really.
Today's actually a great day. I'm gonna be a very pretty bridesmaid next month. I noticed I actually have tan lines! (okay, they're beige lines, but it's a color change!!) Hayden's happily enjoying some Eli time. I got a good night's sleep. It's the third day of my cycle and the flood is abating. The moon is growing larger and larger and soon we'll get to see her whole face!
I think I'll scrounge up a buzz and maybe some make-out time... the questions will still be here and the answers will still be mysteries, but I'll have a big-ol' shit eatin' grin on my face!
Today's actually a great day. I'm gonna be a very pretty bridesmaid next month. I noticed I actually have tan lines! (okay, they're beige lines, but it's a color change!!) Hayden's happily enjoying some Eli time. I got a good night's sleep. It's the third day of my cycle and the flood is abating. The moon is growing larger and larger and soon we'll get to see her whole face!
I think I'll scrounge up a buzz and maybe some make-out time... the questions will still be here and the answers will still be mysteries, but I'll have a big-ol' shit eatin' grin on my face!
Friday, June 30, 2006
What Your Soul Really Looks Like
| What Your Soul Really Looks Like |
 You are very passionate and quite temperamental. While you can be moody, you always crave comfort. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You believe that people see you for how you are, not how you look. But deep down, you know that's not exactly true. Your near future is still unknown, and a little scary. You'll get through wild times - and you'll textually enjoy it. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust. |
Thursday, June 29, 2006
The trick is to keep breathing...
She's not the kind of girl
Who likes to tell the world
About the way she feels about herself
She takes a little time in making up her mind
She doesn't want to fight against the tide
And lately I'm not the only one
I say never trust anyone
Always the one who has to drag her down
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around
Can't bear to face the truth
So sick he cannot move
And when it hurts he takes it out on you
And lately I'm not the only one
I say never trust anyone
Always the one who has to drag her down
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around
The trick is to keep breathing [x2]
She knows the human heart
And how to read the stars
Now everything's about to fall apart
I won't be the one who's going to let you down
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around
I won't be the one who's going to let you down
Maybe you'll get what you want this time around
The trick is to keep breathing [x7]
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Saturday morning...
as I stood outside my door, wondering how today will be, I got to hear bagpipes, sweet and lonely, floating through the morning light between the trees...
I read Anne Lamott as I waited for the computer to start up... "So when the seasons change, buckle up." and "You never know exactly where the knot is going to release, but usually, if you keep working with it, it will." -- It gives me great peace to know this woman exists, that someone else, lovable and courageous, is just as human and freaky as I am.
~
I'm off to a good start... Important because I moped yesterday. Didn't really think moping actually occurred, but it does, I now know. I left my bed and curled up on the sofa and watched DVR all stinkin day. Then I decided that just wasn't enough excitement for me, so I tried pissy for a while. Well, pretty much no reward for that kind of attitude. There are not a lot of places to go with pissiness, it's a shame, it's the least tolerated human emotion ::bg:: So, while my son was having a great time with his friend and my nephew, I escaped... I got to meet with the king and a fellow Gemini freak ::g:: vented a lot of my pissiness, then figured a couple of things out: 1) I pretty much deserve to be as pissy as I need to be, 2) I need to find people I can count on to be pissy with, without emotional consequences, 3) I need to retain my rational Self, to a certain degree, I have enough real stuff to cry about no need to make shit up or sweat the small stuff. I guess that's actually a few things, but my point is, I do feel better, both with my pissiness and my ability to reason it away, at my leisure.
~
I gonna meditate, then some bucklin' up! Summer's here!
I'm off to a good start... Important because I moped yesterday. Didn't really think moping actually occurred, but it does, I now know. I left my bed and curled up on the sofa and watched DVR all stinkin day. Then I decided that just wasn't enough excitement for me, so I tried pissy for a while. Well, pretty much no reward for that kind of attitude. There are not a lot of places to go with pissiness, it's a shame, it's the least tolerated human emotion ::bg:: So, while my son was having a great time with his friend and my nephew, I escaped... I got to meet with the king and a fellow Gemini freak ::g:: vented a lot of my pissiness, then figured a couple of things out: 1) I pretty much deserve to be as pissy as I need to be, 2) I need to find people I can count on to be pissy with, without emotional consequences, 3) I need to retain my rational Self, to a certain degree, I have enough real stuff to cry about no need to make shit up or sweat the small stuff. I guess that's actually a few things, but my point is, I do feel better, both with my pissiness and my ability to reason it away, at my leisure.
~
I gonna meditate, then some bucklin' up! Summer's here!
Thursday, June 22, 2006
In the stars for Thursday
Horoscope for: Thursday, June 22, 2006
Diana,
You might feel as if your hands are tied, preventing you from doing the work that's been assigned to you. Yet you are not willing to give up at this time, for you know that your persistence will pay off. Be careful not to assign blame to the apparent obstacles. Others may play antagonistic roles in your life, but in the long run, their presence will only make you stronger.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
The stars align...
Horoscope for: Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Diana,
You might think that if you bring your hidden issues out into the open that the problems will begin to solve themselves. Unfortunately, this isn't the way it's working now, for what you say can have quite the opposite effect. Others may not understand your perspective and this can drive the unresolved issues even deeper. Be patient; don't push for a solution yet.
We are still in a new relationship, the honeymoon shouldn't be over yet!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Okay, looks like I'm waiting to address the Hayden/Jeremy issue... Hayden was very excited to see Jeremy last night, I'm a-thinking the damage was minimal and that my son is far more forgiving and understanding than {gasp!} his mommy! We are still in a new relationship, the honeymoon shouldn't be over yet!
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