oooooooh it's an Xmas card! 

Mommy & Boy 

Patches has had enough! 

Ouch?!

I'm continually amazed at others' perception of me... maybe it is my ego, mayhap it's some primordial emotional protection device, could be just me. I read this and I'm shocked; I know I should be saddened, I just think it's one of those ebbs to the flows of relationships and it's what it is. Hostility is shocking, but not unheard of. Maybe I just can't conceptualize someone wanting me any further from their life.
that fact that you are IGNORING what I asked for and barging on in your typical "I'M DIANA AND I KNOW WHAT'S BETTER FOR YOU THAN YOU DO " fashion shows that you have no respect for what I need or want. you still see me as an idiot who can't possibly be making a correct or viable decision for herself.
Wrong assumption #1: on both our parts. I thought you didn't want to talk to me. Of course you would still want to know I am alive and happy, that I got to see the Doors!!! Not out of lack of respect for you, but for the very opposite. I still see you (NOT as the assumed idiot) as my best friend, someone with vested interest in my life.
When I ask for a break... I mean it. I don't need your phone calls or updates or e-mails, right now. I need a BREAK from Diana so I can see if you even can respect that!
Wrong assumption #2: That you were clear on this point. You are now, I got it. [see above for my assumption, which lead to this assumption]
which you obviously can't. you don't even have the good grace to be offended. for God sake Diana! don't you see you are proving to be the pushy, oblivious, self-important person that being stoned kept me from seeing all these years?
Wrong assumption #3: It's more like happy, fun, sunshiney person who wants to make you smile on days you can't find any other reason to... dunno, always felt like some kind of calling. Not a new trait, just a new judgement.
please try to see that what I need and have asked for isn't a whim or passing fancy but an attempt to change my life.
Wrong assumption #4: Actually, I'm taking this opportunity NOT to make assuptions about what this means.
please take me seriously. when you call and e-mail it makes me feel like you are ignoring my needs to exert your own, very powerful, will.
Wrong assumption #5: [mine] powerful will... the will to love is a strong one, it's not an easy one to beat down and hold within. I'm stronger than I know, I can remove myself from your life, not nearly as easily as you, and I can respect your need not to need me. Still don't understand the whole removal thing, but hey, someday I just might.
You are honored for who you are and where you are. You are loved for where you've been and what you've done. Thanks.

Spring has sprung

Do I lament what has passed since last I typed away at this blog or jump right in where I am today?? Oh what a grand question to face today!
Spring is here and I'm done licking my wounds from yet another fizzled relationship experiment. Prospects are good for active dating this summer. Vacation plans are in place and we're off on yet another wild ride. Kids are still alive and well - me too :)

He's Just NOT That Into You

What a fucked up title to a really cool book - cruel as hell, but cool.
Shit or get off the pot ~ once thought of as the ultimate ultimatum to give a guy... now it's empowering women to realize when the guy really doesn't want to go there and walk away.
Thanks, Tena... I think.

An Apology

I owe you an apology; I really thought I could handle it, but I didn't.
Instead of warning you, I kept it together as best I could, though not very well.
This time of year sucks for me, in the biggest way possible. From Thanksgiving to mid-December, I am a mess, a puddle of emotional goo.
I really miss Mitch, I miss being married, I miss being loved for who I am, I miss my children having a father, I miss having emotional support for holidays, I miss having sex, I miss the smell of a man in my house, I miss the feel of a man in my bed, I miss laughing at my fucked up family when I really want to cry, I miss not having to deal with being alone, I miss not having to deal with dating, I miss not being lonely beyond description.
I keep his memory alive. I must, my children depend on it. I'm the only way they'll know where they came from, that they were created with an amazing love by parents who wanted them more than anything and who committed their lives to growing with them, loving them.
It would be easier for all of us, truly it would, if I could just let go, stop talking, stop remembering, stop reminding, stop missing and stop crying; pretend he didn't happen or that he's not still important.
But I won't.
It's my job to honor the life of the man who changed mine so dramatically.

None of this means you don't count, it doesn't mean you're not important.
Yes, it means you're not first, but you're now and that is all we have.

Early Morning

Just had to type something so the world could know, sometimes I'm awake before I should be.

hormones

I catch a whiff of you
and my ovaries respond
my pituitary gland is awake
estrogen does her best
to create an appealing mate
And as the moon swells
she steps back
awakening progesterone
the playful sister who makes
creation practice fun
as the egg pops from the nest
floating towards the fertile land
another opportunity to
play with fate.
Then the moon is gone
and the missed chance
slips silently out of me
progesterone exhausted
estrogen returns
with a vengence
swelling
angry
sad
she wants time off
she wants procreation
she'll have to wait for menopause.

the big aha!

The Death Day Celebration was today. We went to Chuck E. Cheese and did the same things we'd done for the last three celebrations. Something was different this year. Maybe it's my sensitivity about relating things back to Mitch's life, it's beginning to feel too much, too forced, too distant. Our previous parties had a sense of "gee it's sad he's not here" (which I think I heavily influenced) where today I felt "it's fun to be here, now, together" My children live in the now; our life is fun NOW, when it matters. Nothing's missing, no gaping hole, no chasm of love lost; this here's our life and it'sa good'n. Today represents validation for allowing my children to have their own experiences, separate completely from mine, to be honored as they are. Maybe next year I'll go on vacation alone or light a candle and pray by myself; I'll do with the kids whatever they request. My prayers have changed, too, from prayers of sorrow to prayers of gratitude... My life is good today. The lessons of the past have shown me I am who I've become by living thru what I must, I am honored to have been challenged so mightily and to maintain an even firmer grasp on who diana is and, more importantly, how diana is in this big crazy life of mine.

To the Universe:
For all that has come to pass and for all that is yet to be,
I do say thanks! and I do say YES!