The closer I get to having the oldest child I've ever parented. On Hannah's Death Day, Hayden will be older than she ever was. I know this is fresh on my mind because their Birthdays are approaching and I just don't want to have my mother's day without the baby that made me a mother. I don't. I don't want it and it just shouldn't happen. EVER.
And yet it will... again and again and again.
And I will be tough and soft. I will be sad. I will rejoice once again in the opportunity to have been her mother. I will rejoice in continuing my mothering journey with her brother.
I am so glad Schuyler is coming on Hannah's day. To give me an excuse to emerge from my wallowing and provide some real-person contact I will so desperately need that day. (sorry I didn't warn you before!) I will meet her kids and hold on to the faith that there is a really good reason (there certainly better be!) that they never got to know my girl.
I'm so glad to celebrate again at Kelli's house. We'll have a fire and tell our stories. We'll remember her and we'll remember to laugh. Heck, I may even jump on the trampoline until my kidneys are empty (why oh why do I have to dump the bladder every time my feet leave the ground?) -- then Kyra will laugh at me and I won't mind. I will hear her and remember how their laughter would mingle and shake both us mommies to the core with joy.
Today's just a tiny bit more sacred knowing I can never get it back again.
And yet it will... again and again and again.
And I will be tough and soft. I will be sad. I will rejoice once again in the opportunity to have been her mother. I will rejoice in continuing my mothering journey with her brother.
I am so glad Schuyler is coming on Hannah's day. To give me an excuse to emerge from my wallowing and provide some real-person contact I will so desperately need that day. (sorry I didn't warn you before!) I will meet her kids and hold on to the faith that there is a really good reason (there certainly better be!) that they never got to know my girl.
I'm so glad to celebrate again at Kelli's house. We'll have a fire and tell our stories. We'll remember her and we'll remember to laugh. Heck, I may even jump on the trampoline until my kidneys are empty (why oh why do I have to dump the bladder every time my feet leave the ground?) -- then Kyra will laugh at me and I won't mind. I will hear her and remember how their laughter would mingle and shake both us mommies to the core with joy.
Today's just a tiny bit more sacred knowing I can never get it back again.
3 comments:
And I will remember how lucky I am to share something so special with Hannah..........her birth day!
You too? I feel like I'm gonna pee myself everytime I jump on one of those things, too!
I love you, sweet sister! I'm glad you'll be surrounded by such love...
I'm glad we are coming on Hannah's birthday, too. I can't wait to see all y'all, to be in the same room. To hang and laugh and hug. Very cool.
Love
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