Shocking to think of... 18 months ago I was making decisions I'd never considered before, decisions a mother doesn't prepare for when thinking of her children. And yet I did. I made difficult, impossible choices in a way that befits my beliefs of Life itself.
18 months ago, I had the very last conversation, human to human, with my baby girl. 18 months ago, she went to live with her daddy. 18 months of me hanging on to anger about her choice. 18 months of torturous non-forgiving.
Now I sit with my new, hannahless life. It fits like couture that is too expensive to be completely comfortable; nice yeah, but at what cost? Now I visit with the possibility of forgiving Mitch for his postmortem sins. Can I find acceptance in my heart and soul for the man who gave me the opportunity to have these kids? Can my soul really and truly grasp the *whole complete and perfect* perspective on Hannah's new life? Can my limited and blindered human mind?
It's of no benefit to Mitch for me to forgive him. It's of no consequence to him if I don't. I don't think there's a god in existence who would take my side in this argument. If we were before Solomon, fighting over her, would I have the courage to give her up for her to remain whole? Would that mean I get to keep her? It *is* of benefit to me. It is of consequence to me. For+give=Life's purpose. Purpose filled life. Life filled with giving. dagnabbit, busted again.
I have felt the outpouring of love to me today.
It has been a joyful balm to my joyless soul.
I got breath, I got gumption... Looks like good life ain't anywhere near over for this chickie. Tomorrow, I shall make the best of it. Today I shall continue my wallow. Amen.
18 months ago, I had the very last conversation, human to human, with my baby girl. 18 months ago, she went to live with her daddy. 18 months of me hanging on to anger about her choice. 18 months of torturous non-forgiving.
Now I sit with my new, hannahless life. It fits like couture that is too expensive to be completely comfortable; nice yeah, but at what cost? Now I visit with the possibility of forgiving Mitch for his postmortem sins. Can I find acceptance in my heart and soul for the man who gave me the opportunity to have these kids? Can my soul really and truly grasp the *whole complete and perfect* perspective on Hannah's new life? Can my limited and blindered human mind?
It's of no benefit to Mitch for me to forgive him. It's of no consequence to him if I don't. I don't think there's a god in existence who would take my side in this argument. If we were before Solomon, fighting over her, would I have the courage to give her up for her to remain whole? Would that mean I get to keep her? It *is* of benefit to me. It is of consequence to me. For+give=Life's purpose. Purpose filled life. Life filled with giving. dagnabbit, busted again.
I have felt the outpouring of love to me today.
It has been a joyful balm to my joyless soul.
I got breath, I got gumption... Looks like good life ain't anywhere near over for this chickie. Tomorrow, I shall make the best of it. Today I shall continue my wallow. Amen.
1 comment:
Wallowing is allowed, m'dear... never seems like it in the midst of it, but sometimes a good wallow's needed to find the inner gumption to pick yerself back up. You're one tough, insightful, spirited, amazing woman - just don't forget to be gentle with yourself.
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