Throwing myself a pity party right this minute... not even for anything big and real and awful, just that general malaise that seems to take ahold every once in a while that I somehow need to spotlight and poke like a fecking bruise.
I know I'm overwhelmed with grief... I know this, I just don't really know what to do about it.
I hate not having a car. I hate even more becoming resentful that I don't have a car. I love that I have one in waiting; we're so very excited to actually be able to drive Howard... but FUCK! we named him in October and here we sit, encroaching upon the end of January and he's not back together yet. Poor Uncle Troy, the guy's got RA and works all day as a mechanic, I can't imagine fixing up my car is at the top of his *great fun* list. I'd love to go over and cheer him along, being his hands, should he need... but alas, no fecking transportation! Yeah, it's also great that I'm not spending any money on gas (except for the bit of cash I feel compelled to give my dad for driving me). It's also great that gas is below $2/gallon...
I gotta get to that po-dunk town north of Watertown, Summit, to get the rest of our belongings out of Hermione and I have to figure out how to get us to Flandreau to pick up the things we left in Bemidji, including parts for Hayden's computer and his fairly large collection of video games. (Kelli sent them down with a friend, whom she thought would frequent SF, but alas, he e-mailed and doesn't think he'll be down here for quite some time...)
Our living situation continues to suck... not wholly, but mostly... I'm just sitting her totally overwhelmed by all the shit. My muse is on an extended cigarette break; my inspiration is non-existent... and the residual guilt over what I *should be* doing is driving me further and further under my rock. Where I can be comfy and cozy, snuggling up with some freshly laundered warm-from-the-dryer blankies... though they, too, are filled (every single fiber) with tortured memories I'd rather not deal with right now.
ack! I answered the phone and I really shouldn't have... hayden's friend's drunk daddy's on the line, giving me his drunken philosophies on life. I'm breathing and remembering Amy's words... this *must* be exactly where I'm supposed to be... someday I shall understand this madness as well... I guess I can be glad I'm not *him* and possibly even more glad that I am alone and not with someone like him.
Okay, his drunkenness talked me thru the moment... I'm much better now. Still think I'm a-gonna have me a big ol soulful (or soul-emptying) sobbing snotty cry tonight. Just 'cause I'm due.
Life is good. And tomorrow, I'm gonna believe that!
I know I'm overwhelmed with grief... I know this, I just don't really know what to do about it.
I hate not having a car. I hate even more becoming resentful that I don't have a car. I love that I have one in waiting; we're so very excited to actually be able to drive Howard... but FUCK! we named him in October and here we sit, encroaching upon the end of January and he's not back together yet. Poor Uncle Troy, the guy's got RA and works all day as a mechanic, I can't imagine fixing up my car is at the top of his *great fun* list. I'd love to go over and cheer him along, being his hands, should he need... but alas, no fecking transportation! Yeah, it's also great that I'm not spending any money on gas (except for the bit of cash I feel compelled to give my dad for driving me). It's also great that gas is below $2/gallon...
I gotta get to that po-dunk town north of Watertown, Summit, to get the rest of our belongings out of Hermione and I have to figure out how to get us to Flandreau to pick up the things we left in Bemidji, including parts for Hayden's computer and his fairly large collection of video games. (Kelli sent them down with a friend, whom she thought would frequent SF, but alas, he e-mailed and doesn't think he'll be down here for quite some time...)
Our living situation continues to suck... not wholly, but mostly... I'm just sitting her totally overwhelmed by all the shit. My muse is on an extended cigarette break; my inspiration is non-existent... and the residual guilt over what I *should be* doing is driving me further and further under my rock. Where I can be comfy and cozy, snuggling up with some freshly laundered warm-from-the-dryer blankies... though they, too, are filled (every single fiber) with tortured memories I'd rather not deal with right now.
ack! I answered the phone and I really shouldn't have... hayden's friend's drunk daddy's on the line, giving me his drunken philosophies on life. I'm breathing and remembering Amy's words... this *must* be exactly where I'm supposed to be... someday I shall understand this madness as well... I guess I can be glad I'm not *him* and possibly even more glad that I am alone and not with someone like him.
Okay, his drunkenness talked me thru the moment... I'm much better now. Still think I'm a-gonna have me a big ol soulful (or soul-emptying) sobbing snotty cry tonight. Just 'cause I'm due.
Life is good. And tomorrow, I'm gonna believe that!
No comments:
Post a Comment