So it is... what a great topic for me to address this month. I will require the most courage I think I've ever mustered in my entire life.
Putting the tree up was a leap of faith, faith that something will feel good about this holiday; that I can capture the Spirit and allow the newness to Be.
Wallowing was high on my list of priorities today. It didn't work. Traditionally, it doesn't work. When I talk about it, people are so amazed, the whole "pity party" theme is gone as I work to convince them that indeed I am miserable. 'cept it is true that I am rarely wholly miserable. Even in the darkest times, I am aware of the Light of Life that surrounds me and how amazing this existence is. Still doesn't mean that it's all roses and sunshine... it's like that danged balance my horoscope talks about... when am I sad? to whom do I speak? where is it safe? who will tell me that indeed it's fucked up and I shouldn't have to do this and I don't have to do what I don't wanna?
I have a huge fear of holiday family gatherings... the business-as-usual act is gonna grate on me, but turning Hannah into a side-show will, too... where is the balance? Where can we miss her and be so sad she's not here and still have a joyful holiday with our Lights renewed through one another? There are so many other joys to share, new futures to begin...
Wallowing was high on my list of priorities today. It didn't work. Traditionally, it doesn't work. When I talk about it, people are so amazed, the whole "pity party" theme is gone as I work to convince them that indeed I am miserable. 'cept it is true that I am rarely wholly miserable. Even in the darkest times, I am aware of the Light of Life that surrounds me and how amazing this existence is. Still doesn't mean that it's all roses and sunshine... it's like that danged balance my horoscope talks about... when am I sad? to whom do I speak? where is it safe? who will tell me that indeed it's fucked up and I shouldn't have to do this and I don't have to do what I don't wanna?
I have a huge fear of holiday family gatherings... the business-as-usual act is gonna grate on me, but turning Hannah into a side-show will, too... where is the balance? Where can we miss her and be so sad she's not here and still have a joyful holiday with our Lights renewed through one another? There are so many other joys to share, new futures to begin...
I dunno. I'm bleeding and I'm crying and I'm lonely and I'm just gonna freak out for a little while. Then I'll be okay. That's what I do.
Meanwhile, the Tree is beautiful!
2 comments:
Just want you to know I'm here...reading and thinking a little freaking out is warranted!:)
Love you.
I'm here too, feeling the void. I was just telling Joni yesterday that I feel bad that I haven't released Hannah's ashes yet. But I don't want to let her go. It *is* fucked up! She should get to be here.
I'm thinking of you everyday. We'd love to have you here for a new holiday tradition. I'm sending peace your way.
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