Last night I fitfully dreamt, as I tossed and turned wrapped in Hayden's Aunt Karna woobie.
I remember cursing at the gods, convincing them that I stand before them NOT as their own personal plaything, but as a flesh-and-blood human being and by-golly my feelings count! I threatened to become atheist, worse yet faithless, turning my back on them, not only firing them from their jobs, but eliminating the position entirely, casting them into nonexistence (even worse than Neil Gaiman's American Gods). I don't know if they reacted (sumbitches!), but I felt empty, not even able to cry. But with bizarre insight and clear vision -- Focus. Always an unfocused focus, clarity and no where to cast it. Kinda like at the hands of the schoolyard bullies I was intimately familiar with... ooooh, now there's some psychotherapy waiting to happen!
Can we say RETROGRADE? Danggummit, I'm really feeling it.
I got no gumption. I got no spark. Blech.
Apathy, my worst enemy.
On an upnote, Hayden came in later and snuggled with me (with Hannah's woobie!).
I read in my new Woman's Confidence book from Kelli - it's one of those open anywhere for Wisdom books - the woman spoke of forgiving her Past Self, the one who's behavior makes her cringe upon reflection. She imagined that Past Self cowering in shame for causing such pain to her now Present Self. None of what had happened was with malicious intent toward our Future Self (though some might have existed right there for the current Present Self). When we hold that message in our hearts and come to know and own Who We Are Now as a beautiful culmination of our Past Selves. Life really is For Giving and BEing forgiving, especially to ourselves. If I'm not on my own Team, who else will wanna be?
Ah, part of this was sparked, I'm sure, by a new blog Mary found: PostSecret.blogspot.com, it's odd and cool and disturbing and creative. I think I want to do some Secret ATCs, just for me to keep or share with others, secretly.
Life is so random.
'cept when it's not.
I remember cursing at the gods, convincing them that I stand before them NOT as their own personal plaything, but as a flesh-and-blood human being and by-golly my feelings count! I threatened to become atheist, worse yet faithless, turning my back on them, not only firing them from their jobs, but eliminating the position entirely, casting them into nonexistence (even worse than Neil Gaiman's American Gods). I don't know if they reacted (sumbitches!), but I felt empty, not even able to cry. But with bizarre insight and clear vision -- Focus. Always an unfocused focus, clarity and no where to cast it. Kinda like at the hands of the schoolyard bullies I was intimately familiar with... ooooh, now there's some psychotherapy waiting to happen!
Can we say RETROGRADE? Danggummit, I'm really feeling it.
I got no gumption. I got no spark. Blech.
Apathy, my worst enemy.
On an upnote, Hayden came in later and snuggled with me (with Hannah's woobie!).
I read in my new Woman's Confidence book from Kelli - it's one of those open anywhere for Wisdom books - the woman spoke of forgiving her Past Self, the one who's behavior makes her cringe upon reflection. She imagined that Past Self cowering in shame for causing such pain to her now Present Self. None of what had happened was with malicious intent toward our Future Self (though some might have existed right there for the current Present Self). When we hold that message in our hearts and come to know and own Who We Are Now as a beautiful culmination of our Past Selves. Life really is For Giving and BEing forgiving, especially to ourselves. If I'm not on my own Team, who else will wanna be?
Ah, part of this was sparked, I'm sure, by a new blog Mary found: PostSecret.blogspot.com, it's odd and cool and disturbing and creative. I think I want to do some Secret ATCs, just for me to keep or share with others, secretly.
Life is so random.
'cept when it's not.
2 comments:
i can't believe you posted a link to postsecret....serendipity...i just got one of those little QPB 5 books, 5 bucks thingies in the mail the other day and saw the postsecret book and i was going to google it because it sounded really interesting....and then i forgot!
i love the idea of doing an secret ATC!! let's post that on IT!! if you haven't already!!
I love, love, love the postsecret blog. Just saw the book out at Hot Topic a few months ago...you need it!!:)
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