I attacked my bedroom, got piles every-fucking-where now, but they're organized [aside from the nap crumples] and it's a beginning... I can open my drawers, see myself in the mirror, and well, that's it so far... doesn't sound like much, but there are several piles of Hannah stuff and even a box started to send to ZoAnne. Oh, I got to take time out to round up art supplies and make a really, really cool card for my friend ;)
so then I steathily escaped... Hayden asleep on the sofa, Richard Bach book in my hot lil hands and I park myself at the coffee shop 45 minutes early for my date. Life is great for the next 1.5 hours, which flew by with the help of some really delicious coffee and funny, adventurous ferrets. Then I realized, it was really late and I was sitting there with a birthday card for a really wonderful guy who hasn't shown up. In the absence of any negative self-talk, (which is so fucking peaceful! I confess an odd diana standard: if he's dead, no one will think to call me) I realized I had just had an amazing 1.5 hours with Richard Bach and Shamrock and good coffee and nice quiet. So I called the guy, he forgot, he was sorry and we got to hang out anyway, which is always cool in ways there's really no vocabulary for. And he likes his card, did I mention I had a great time making it? I did and I'm really proud of the card. It's perfect.
I wanted to go to my high school reunion thingie tonight. I waffled A LOT, not wanting to go without a date, but by today I thought for sure, I'd go... Leaving his side is not okay with Hayden tonite. My Gemini, Miss Social, laugh-it-off, Rebel Self is bouncing off my insides seeking independence, while my Hayden's Mommy understands Hayden's needs and Listens and wants to meet them/have them met. The Whole of Diana tries to hold it together... I know that in the long run, I'll be glad I stayed and quelled his fears of losing me... I know there are better things to negotiate separation for... I know the less I negotiate separation, the more he'll trust our separations... So we'll be together sitting 'round Shelly's nightly backyard fire. He'll feel safe, I'll have some human contact and I get to delay further explorations of Hannahland that is my bedroom :::BONUS:::
so then I steathily escaped... Hayden asleep on the sofa, Richard Bach book in my hot lil hands and I park myself at the coffee shop 45 minutes early for my date. Life is great for the next 1.5 hours, which flew by with the help of some really delicious coffee and funny, adventurous ferrets. Then I realized, it was really late and I was sitting there with a birthday card for a really wonderful guy who hasn't shown up. In the absence of any negative self-talk, (which is so fucking peaceful! I confess an odd diana standard: if he's dead, no one will think to call me) I realized I had just had an amazing 1.5 hours with Richard Bach and Shamrock and good coffee and nice quiet. So I called the guy, he forgot, he was sorry and we got to hang out anyway, which is always cool in ways there's really no vocabulary for. And he likes his card, did I mention I had a great time making it? I did and I'm really proud of the card. It's perfect.
I wanted to go to my high school reunion thingie tonight. I waffled A LOT, not wanting to go without a date, but by today I thought for sure, I'd go... Leaving his side is not okay with Hayden tonite. My Gemini, Miss Social, laugh-it-off, Rebel Self is bouncing off my insides seeking independence, while my Hayden's Mommy understands Hayden's needs and Listens and wants to meet them/have them met. The Whole of Diana tries to hold it together... I know that in the long run, I'll be glad I stayed and quelled his fears of losing me... I know there are better things to negotiate separation for... I know the less I negotiate separation, the more he'll trust our separations... So we'll be together sitting 'round Shelly's nightly backyard fire. He'll feel safe, I'll have some human contact and I get to delay further explorations of Hannahland that is my bedroom :::BONUS:::
No comments:
Post a Comment