I'd never seen fear like I did on his face, the other day in Taco John's. Death is a scary thing; Death has brought us together before. I can no longer be at the whim of my fears, I have found the courage to open myself to life, to remaining alive and feeling and growing. Yes, loss is painful; it is a scary, sad thing to think of what might have been... then, there is the realization of what Is Now and what is to be learned. Scary, but less scary than exciting; more joy than sadness. To have, to love, to share, to show, to Be in the moment creates more joy than any loss can ever take away. Be open to the miracle, it will come...
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Saturday, March 04, 2006
The evolution of David
Friday night, a dinner was planned at Spezia's in honor of Hannah's life with a whole mass of people. I received a message from David, who had obviously heard the news, offering to be with me, hold me, hold my hand, whatever I need... I called and asked him to meet me at the restaurant. He held my hand, held me and was there for me. I slept in his bed, with him in it, to great soulful comfort for 6 nights... we talked until the wee hours of every morning about everything including the tough, emotional "us" stuff. He showed incredible love for me, protecting me from the icky mojo of others, reminding me of my manners, accompanying me to funeral business, helping design the program, hosting company at his house, continuing his snide, under-the-breath comments to make me giggle, allowing me to snuggle and drool on his shoulder every night. His newfound courage is a gift from Hannah - he's still scared, hell I'm a scary girl - he's on his way to being braver than he ever imagined. He certainly didn't call me to date again, but being together is exactly what we both needed without knowing it... I guess it doesn't matter how it happened, just that it has. I love him and he loves me. He knows he has to work hard to regain my son's trust and he's up to the task. 10 minutes in love is still better than never at all.
I hope he's not busy rebuilding those walls while I'm recouping in the forest...
Friday, March 03, 2006
Holy horoscopes batman!
Your Tuesday Horoscope diana!
Today is good for giving your time, instead of just your money, to a volunteer effort. A close friend or acquaintance who wants to join you is the person you must consider for long-term relationship prospects.
Your Wednesday Horoscope diana!
Partnership bliss is on its way. An emotional agreement binds you two closer together. Focus on the future. A challenge to see things eye to eye applies only to the big picture, not the details.
Your Thursday Horoscope diana!
Passion reaches the depth of your feelings today. Look for a great exchange with a partner or close companion. If you are single, avoid any superficial interactions and connect on a deeper level with those who will listen.
Your Friday Horoscope diana!
More passion is yours for the taking, as someone admires you to the point of wanting to take care of you. Organize your day around a deadline; one is coming that needs great attention.
Your Monday Horoscope diana!
Partnership issues highlight your feelings of security within group situations. Look to salvage what is left of the relationship by focusing on boundaries. Blunt and to the point should be your chosen style.
Today is good for giving your time, instead of just your money, to a volunteer effort. A close friend or acquaintance who wants to join you is the person you must consider for long-term relationship prospects.
Your Wednesday Horoscope diana!
Partnership bliss is on its way. An emotional agreement binds you two closer together. Focus on the future. A challenge to see things eye to eye applies only to the big picture, not the details.
Your Thursday Horoscope diana!
Passion reaches the depth of your feelings today. Look for a great exchange with a partner or close companion. If you are single, avoid any superficial interactions and connect on a deeper level with those who will listen.
Your Friday Horoscope diana!
More passion is yours for the taking, as someone admires you to the point of wanting to take care of you. Organize your day around a deadline; one is coming that needs great attention.
Your Monday Horoscope diana!
Partnership issues highlight your feelings of security within group situations. Look to salvage what is left of the relationship by focusing on boundaries. Blunt and to the point should be your chosen style.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Spinach can't cure lukemia
Today my daughter has lukemia, in fact at the moment she's dying from it, her abdomen is swollen to Ethiopic proportions from her very unhappy liver and spleen, her tiny bones filled to the brim with cancerous cells... Tomorrow she will begin to live with it. Tomorrow she will become unable to concieve her own children. Tomorrow is her chance to live. Tomorrow will be the hardest day of my mothering career. Tomorrow we'll all three be survivors.
Our Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia Timeline:
1/20: a huge horrific bloody nose that just wouldn't stop. I was on the phone with Kelli and had to hang up on her to deal with it... if it had bled for a minute more, we would have gone to the ER and we'd have had a dx that day.
1/24: we had an opportunity for free dental work, so off we went for an extraction and some fillings. The paperwork said to call our doctor if the bleeding continued for more than 2 hours; after 4 I called, sure I wasn't putting enough pressure on the site; after 6 it finally stopped.
1/25: Hannah no longer has a tan, she complains of leg pain and weakness, doesn't want to walk -- I begin to schlep her everywhere important enough for her to go. After a piggyback ride to the car, I drop her between the carseat and the dash, she bumps her ankle on the car body, the blame for the continued lack of desire to walk. We see the doc socially that day, but he's not terribly concerned at first view. Her first fever in many, many years...
1/26: Health be damned, we leave town for Bemidji to visit the Traaseths. Honestly, I could use some perspective on the whole situation and would greatly appreciate the extra help, support and comfort. Hannah's excited but lethargic and pale and feverish.
1/27-1/29: Hannah has zero interest in playing, hanging out -- anything but crunching ice and sleeping and whining. Her fevers become uncomfortable for both of us and the leg/bone pain continues. There are sporadic nosebleeds throughout these days, too (and Kelli let us continue to sleep on the white sheets!!!) but nothing uncontrollable, just PITA.
1/30: Our trip to Acutecare #1: I give the whole list of complaints to the doc, she looks at Hannah's ear, judges me a horrible mother, diagnoses a "raging ear infection", scribbles a rx for antibiotics and we leave (I haven't gotten the bill yet, should I contest it??)
1/31: Hannah's response to the antibiotics is immediate and exiliarating... and short lived. She perked enough to play for a bit, but still not interested in much beyond crushed ice and sleeping.
2/02: She sleeps all the way home from Bemidji... then sleeps all night.
The days between here all seem a blur... Hannah has a couple of waking hours, sometimes lively and sometimes whiney. Her legs still ache and hurt, I'm carrying her as much as I can. She's sleeping and not talking much.
We saw a chiropracter and noticed the swollen liver, but attributed it to too much McDonald's (of which I may be guilty). I got liver cleansing tea, some acidophilis supplements and armed myself with iron building techniques for Hannah. We discovered that baby carrots are delicious when wrapped in baby spinach and dipped into ranch dressing. She tolerated the vitamins and other supplements in apple sauce. She was willing to do anything not to have to go to the doctor! The nosebleeds are now a nightly routine, not much blood, but it's not very dark red either...
2/11: Lunch with Aunt Donna! Hannah's looking forward to her favorite restaurant (Spezia) and her favorite foods (bowties alfredo with broccoli or red sauce with meatball???). We piggyback to the car and right to the table. Hannah decides she doesn't want to eat (Really loud alarm bells ringing now!!) and she snuggles up to me saying the room is spinning and her tummy feels funny. Off to the bathroom, we make it to the sink when lastnight's bloodclot comes flying out of her. I figured she'd feel much better without it anyway... but there was no improvement. Donna gave me "the look" and said we had to take her to Acutecare. I call the doc to find out where it is and his wife informs me he's on duty at the clinic, yay! She's very comfortable with this man and trusts him, being at the doctor was not nearly as traumatic as I'd anticipated. After a very brave blood draw, we discovered her Hemoglobin was 6 and her platelets were 12,000 -- cause for immediate admit to the hospital, if only for transfusions.
Our Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia Timeline:
1/20: a huge horrific bloody nose that just wouldn't stop. I was on the phone with Kelli and had to hang up on her to deal with it... if it had bled for a minute more, we would have gone to the ER and we'd have had a dx that day.
1/24: we had an opportunity for free dental work, so off we went for an extraction and some fillings. The paperwork said to call our doctor if the bleeding continued for more than 2 hours; after 4 I called, sure I wasn't putting enough pressure on the site; after 6 it finally stopped.
1/25: Hannah no longer has a tan, she complains of leg pain and weakness, doesn't want to walk -- I begin to schlep her everywhere important enough for her to go. After a piggyback ride to the car, I drop her between the carseat and the dash, she bumps her ankle on the car body, the blame for the continued lack of desire to walk. We see the doc socially that day, but he's not terribly concerned at first view. Her first fever in many, many years...
1/26: Health be damned, we leave town for Bemidji to visit the Traaseths. Honestly, I could use some perspective on the whole situation and would greatly appreciate the extra help, support and comfort. Hannah's excited but lethargic and pale and feverish.
1/27-1/29: Hannah has zero interest in playing, hanging out -- anything but crunching ice and sleeping and whining. Her fevers become uncomfortable for both of us and the leg/bone pain continues. There are sporadic nosebleeds throughout these days, too (and Kelli let us continue to sleep on the white sheets!!!) but nothing uncontrollable, just PITA.
1/30: Our trip to Acutecare #1: I give the whole list of complaints to the doc, she looks at Hannah's ear, judges me a horrible mother, diagnoses a "raging ear infection", scribbles a rx for antibiotics and we leave (I haven't gotten the bill yet, should I contest it??
1/31: Hannah's response to the antibiotics is immediate and exiliarating... and short lived. She perked enough to play for a bit, but still not interested in much beyond crushed ice and sleeping.
2/02: She sleeps all the way home from Bemidji... then sleeps all night.
The days between here all seem a blur... Hannah has a couple of waking hours, sometimes lively and sometimes whiney. Her legs still ache and hurt, I'm carrying her as much as I can. She's sleeping and not talking much.
We saw a chiropracter and noticed the swollen liver, but attributed it to too much McDonald's (of which I may be guilty). I got liver cleansing tea, some acidophilis supplements and armed myself with iron building techniques for Hannah. We discovered that baby carrots are delicious when wrapped in baby spinach and dipped into ranch dressing. She tolerated the vitamins and other supplements in apple sauce. She was willing to do anything not to have to go to the doctor! The nosebleeds are now a nightly routine, not much blood, but it's not very dark red either...
2/11: Lunch with Aunt Donna! Hannah's looking forward to her favorite restaurant (Spezia) and her favorite foods (bowties alfredo with broccoli or red sauce with meatball???). We piggyback to the car and right to the table. Hannah decides she doesn't want to eat (Really loud alarm bells ringing now!!) and she snuggles up to me saying the room is spinning and her tummy feels funny. Off to the bathroom, we make it to the sink when lastnight's bloodclot comes flying out of her. I figured she'd feel much better without it anyway... but there was no improvement. Donna gave me "the look" and said we had to take her to Acutecare. I call the doc to find out where it is and his wife informs me he's on duty at the clinic, yay! She's very comfortable with this man and trusts him, being at the doctor was not nearly as traumatic as I'd anticipated. After a very brave blood draw, we discovered her Hemoglobin was 6 and her platelets were 12,000 -- cause for immediate admit to the hospital, if only for transfusions.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Xmas Miracles II - the scoop
As the Xmas hostess, I wanted my home and my life to be the safe haven for these kids to come see their "mom" for the holiday. I also wanted myself and my family to be safe from judgment and scorn. I took care of myself by burning away my resentment in our Yule fire on Solstice, we rang bells to every diety known and unknown to help our family with this journey from fear into light.
I sent the message that the family was completely welcome in my home, that I wished for them to remain on the premesis to aid in consistency with the children (at least they'd know *these people* aren't gonna ditch them!). I also put every guest on alert for the day - my sister was NOT to have any unsupervised time at the gathering, we were all responsible for making sure she was not left alone to do anything inappropriate!
The day was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!!!
They arrived, all four kids in tow -- all clean and well-fed and LOVED!! The babe was clinging to his Daddy in that beautiful "hero worship" kind of way...
I sent the message that the family was completely welcome in my home, that I wished for them to remain on the premesis to aid in consistency with the children (at least they'd know *these people* aren't gonna ditch them!). I also put every guest on alert for the day - my sister was NOT to have any unsupervised time at the gathering, we were all responsible for making sure she was not left alone to do anything inappropriate!
The day was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!!!
They arrived, all four kids in tow -- all clean and well-fed and LOVED!! The babe was clinging to his Daddy in that beautiful "hero worship" kind of way...
Xmas Miracles I - the background
A bit of background... My sister has given birth 7 times: DeAnna, Angel, Joseph, Vincent, T'Anna, MacKenzie, and Tyler. DeAnna was adopted by my parents and is now my baby sister, Angel died a short 7 days after birth. The next three were removed from her custody by the state: Joseph and Vincent were adopted by family in Mpls, T'Anna (now Anna) was adopted by her foster mother. MacKenzie and Tyler have recently gone to live with their brothers in Mpls, hopefully to be adopted into their family. [my mother witnessed the cauterization of the fallopian tubes after Ty's birth--Yippee!!]
I have a long background with the adoptive family, I've known the dad (my "uncle") for most of my life and we have enjoyed a wonderful relationship over the years. I was instrumental in their foster/adoption of the boys and have pulled many a string to get the remaining two children into their custody.
The miracle comes into play with just a bit more background... We'd often visit my family on road trips to Mpls; after the adoption of the boys, it was incredibly difficult for the family to have contact or reminder of the family from which these boys came - so horribly damaged and in need of so much love and healing. There came a point where *I* became the target of all they were feeling towards my sister; it was a ugly and painful confrontation that has left a gaping wound in our family for over a year. I was asked to end all contact until a time where I had a job and could prove that I was *better* than my sister and not just a replay of her sad, sick, psychosis. I've always known in my heart that patience was the key, to continue doing what I do and Being who I Am would leave an opening for reconciliation and relationship.
MacKenzie and Tyler were cared for by strangers for the past many months while my sister ran off to the carnival. God may be truly the only one who knows what these kids have had to endure! For months, I've said the kids need to go live with their brothers, for them to further heal and for these kids to have a reasonable chance at a good life... Finally, it sunk in! My sister sent them to "stay" in late November.
Then I hear the gossip - My sister is manipulating the whole situation! She did award Power of Atty for Childcare to the family, but is refusing further action if she doesn't get to keep the little ones for a week over Xmas (without the adoptive parents present). This, after she talked to Mac on her birthday and told her "those people are not your parents, they stole you from me! Do not call them Mommy and Daddy!"
I have a long background with the adoptive family, I've known the dad (my "uncle") for most of my life and we have enjoyed a wonderful relationship over the years. I was instrumental in their foster/adoption of the boys and have pulled many a string to get the remaining two children into their custody.
The miracle comes into play with just a bit more background... We'd often visit my family on road trips to Mpls; after the adoption of the boys, it was incredibly difficult for the family to have contact or reminder of the family from which these boys came - so horribly damaged and in need of so much love and healing. There came a point where *I* became the target of all they were feeling towards my sister; it was a ugly and painful confrontation that has left a gaping wound in our family for over a year. I was asked to end all contact until a time where I had a job and could prove that I was *better* than my sister and not just a replay of her sad, sick, psychosis. I've always known in my heart that patience was the key, to continue doing what I do and Being who I Am would leave an opening for reconciliation and relationship.
MacKenzie and Tyler were cared for by strangers for the past many months while my sister ran off to the carnival. God may be truly the only one who knows what these kids have had to endure! For months, I've said the kids need to go live with their brothers, for them to further heal and for these kids to have a reasonable chance at a good life... Finally, it sunk in! My sister sent them to "stay" in late November.
Then I hear the gossip - My sister is manipulating the whole situation! She did award Power of Atty for Childcare to the family, but is refusing further action if she doesn't get to keep the little ones for a week over Xmas (without the adoptive parents present). This, after she talked to Mac on her birthday and told her "those people are not your parents, they stole you from me! Do not call them Mommy and Daddy!"
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Taxidermy (and the connections that led us here...)
When Patches dies, I want to tan her hide --no, silly, not in that authoritarian "woodshed" sense-- just like people do to dead bears, tigers, and other safari animals they've never met nor loved. She's so dang pretty, I'd love to wake up looking at her on my wall (no, not mounted like a statue, that's just toooooo creepy, even for me!). People freak out when I tell them this... I don't quite get it :)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The other day, I was talking to George about my love of furs, especially mink, especially in the form of stoles and muffs. I was recalling a particular stole that David owns, the dead animal has a clip under it's mouth so it can "bite" itself on the tail and remain positioned.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Yesterday, George found such a stole! It was in his storage, it must have been his mother's. It was made from four full minks, claws and teeth intact. It even had the mouth clippy thingie! There was also a beautiful white mink coat in the trunk, which is now *mine!* I walked around for hours just touching it and appreciating it! :::momentary break, gotta touch the coat, aahh, much better::: He also found a fox fur, just the fur, nothing done to it since tanning. I showed it to the kids as an example of what I want to do with Patches; they were grossed out! I tried the "but no one loved this fox as much as we love Patches and yet someone thought it important to keep it's fur" to no avail.
The conversation grew from there... I asked Hannah to carry the mink coat downstairs for me, but she refused to touch it. She doesn't like the idea of someone using animal fur. I talked about how the animal didn't need the fur any more, as it was dead, and isn't it wonderful to continue to be purposeful even dead? She didn't buy it! She did concede that it *might* be okay to use animal skins if indeed you ate the animal, but to kill an animal just for it's fur was sick and wrong.
We're laying in bed, me, Hannah & Patches and Hannah brings up the topic again. She really wants Patches' ashes to keep with Daddy's, maybe spread some out in California where Patches was born. I came up with a great design for a muff of Patches, a wrap-around so her head would be laying over the top, as I slid my hands inside. "Oh MOM, why don't you just string her up and put one hand in her mouth and the other up her butt!" "Great idea!" I reply. "How about making slippers, like Daddy wanted to do?" she asked. "Sure! Her head on one and her butt on the other!" Nope, she didn't like that one either...
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I dunno, maybe I'll just have her cremated and we'll just learn to live with the memory of her softness. I'll be sad, but mostly because my kitty is gone, not that I didn't get to keep her fur.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The other day, I was talking to George about my love of furs, especially mink, especially in the form of stoles and muffs. I was recalling a particular stole that David owns, the dead animal has a clip under it's mouth so it can "bite" itself on the tail and remain positioned.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Yesterday, George found such a stole! It was in his storage, it must have been his mother's. It was made from four full minks, claws and teeth intact. It even had the mouth clippy thingie! There was also a beautiful white mink coat in the trunk, which is now *mine!*
The conversation grew from there... I asked Hannah to carry the mink coat downstairs for me, but she refused to touch it. She doesn't like the idea of someone using animal fur. I talked about how the animal didn't need the fur any more, as it was dead, and isn't it wonderful to continue to be purposeful even dead? She didn't buy it! She did concede that it *might* be okay to use animal skins if indeed you ate the animal, but to kill an animal just for it's fur was sick and wrong.
We're laying in bed, me, Hannah & Patches and Hannah brings up the topic again. She really wants Patches' ashes to keep with Daddy's, maybe spread some out in California where Patches was born. I came up with a great design for a muff of Patches, a wrap-around so her head would be laying over the top, as I slid my hands inside. "Oh MOM, why don't you just string her up and put one hand in her mouth and the other up her butt!" "Great idea!" I reply. "How about making slippers, like Daddy wanted to do?" she asked. "Sure! Her head on one and her butt on the other!" Nope, she didn't like that one either...
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I dunno, maybe I'll just have her cremated and we'll just learn to live with the memory of her softness. I'll be sad, but mostly because my kitty is gone, not that I didn't get to keep her fur.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Patches D. Cat
That kitty cat there, she's Patches. Her mama, Boo-boo, was pregnant when I moved in with Dave & Dana. They said they were keeping one kitten and I was allowed one, too. When I saw Patches, September 4, 1991, just moments after her birth, I knew she was *mine.* There was Sybil, too, colored just like Patch but long haired, with perfect 1/2 orange 1/2 black face, and Cheeba, long haired *other kind* of calico. Finally, they decided to keep Cheeba, I got my Patches and Sybil went to live with some punks who renamed her Thrasher.
Cheeba moved to SD with us, too, as Mitch had somehow adopted her when he moved into my life. She was quickly and easily *his* kitty. When he got sick, she ran away.
Patches stayed, but that's because she's *my* kitty.
Cheeba moved to SD with us, too, as Mitch had somehow adopted her when he moved into my life. She was quickly and easily *his* kitty. When he got sick, she ran away.
Patches stayed, but that's because she's *my* kitty.
Friday, November 25, 2005
Post Turkey Day
Hannah & Elizabeth on Karoke, Hayden & Alex watching Spongebob, I've got The God File to read... life IS good!
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