My Dance with Death, a foreword

It started as a comment on Melissa's blog, then expanded to it's own blogpost... as it lives in the draft file, this here tale grows and grows and grows. As I can only write it in chunks: chunks of emotion, of vocabulary, of memories, of time, so too will it be easier to read in chunks.
You are heretofore invited to participate in my first ever serial, err, serial something that just might turn into a real novel/memoir/book/ABC afterschool special/somethin, someday, though not today...

and so it begins:

Death, in my family's tradition, is the root of all hypocrisy; uh, not fair, mayhap Death merely casts away the shadows that hide our family's tradition of hypocrisy. At least, my first glimpse of hypocrisy came with my first taste of death. And death comes with an expensive lesson; every time. As Life partners with Death, so do I; in a Dance of Balance and Understanding.
I learned those first steps early in my life... perhaps from the very beginning, as I understand my mother's labor was sparked by the death of her grandparent. Born of Death, Bourne of Death, me.

My Dance with Death, part i

Living at Grampa Harm G Tilstra's house in Harrisburg (next door to the house where my parents lived when I was born) was one of my favorite times in my childhood. Though I was not yet 3 years old, I had incredible freedoms because I was small & quiet enough to play and wander (never crossing the RR tracks nor the highway, sans help) without calling the attention nor wrath of the gumpy guy who was sometimes a fun grampa.
Once, after I'd gathered up my little doll-playing friends on Grampa's porch, I reenacted what I'd seen him do earlier, out of their sight: I stood with my hands on my hips, my face into the wind and announced "Smells like rain" and sat back down. Sho'nuf, it began raining in earnest moments later and I cinched the title as coolest kid in town. For that unbeknownst-to-him assistance, I'll be forever grateful.
Burned into my memory, dinner around the table, Hank Williams Jr. or sumsuch on the radio (warming my little hands near it), out of one of those "ringed" tupperware bowls, soft pink, green or blue. I couldn't yet easily see over the top of the table from my chair, the decades of finger smudges on the lower cupboards kept me entertained visually while the adults rambled on and on. I distinctly remember asking several times for clarification on what we were eating. Chicken they said, every time. A baby's equivalent of chicken, my ass ran through my head, every time. I saw those rabbits. I fed those rabbits. I'd been scratched to kingdom come (said my grampa) by many of those rabbits. When not being used to move rabbit poop to the strawberries, Grampa let me use the wagon to drag stuff around town. We was intimate.
Then the day came. I returned from my wandering adventures and ran towards the hutches. Stopped short, I saw it hanging right there over the top of the garage door, the left door, waaaaay up there, looking waaaay down at my little stunned self, the face of my favorite bunny. His beautiful-though-lifeless black and white dotted shell now ready to be sold to become decoration, for sure, which I kinda understood. But this was my favorite one. Some kind of stiff, cold, old Dutch retort came my way, Grampa's version of that's life, kid and I was expected to hitch up my big girl panties and ride on outta there. No apologies, no explanations. Life.
At Chicken Dinner that night, I stretched and looked up at those faces and I knew something had changed, something had ended; I could no longer trust these people to tell me the truth.
I've never again been a fan of bunnies; nor adults who lie to kids.

40 (more) Odd Things about diana

You know the drill! 40 ODD things about ME!
Learn 40 things (more) about me and I'll learn 40 things about you.
Once you've read this, it's your turn ♥

1. Do you like blue cheese dressing? Not my favorite and a current no-thanks

2. Did you ever smoke cigarettes? Yes

3. Do you own a gun? Yeah - Grampa's shotgun (currently at mom & dad's) and co-owned a couple of hand guns with Mitch (which he sold immediately upon his brain tumor diagnosis) a Colt .380 and Glock 9mm. It was recommended to me that I carry a concealed weapons permit in my wallet, even if I don't have a handgun, to deter any thief who might get access to my wallet and think of following me home. I've thought that would be such good advice, if it didn't feel so fear mongering-ish.

4. What's your favorite drink at Starbucks or & almost every single other specialty coffee shops? Giganto Soy Mocha (uh, NO I can't have the whipped, hence the SOY request), sweeter the better

5. What do you think of hot dogs? John Morrell's Pink Puddin' - which makes me a HUGE fan of Hebrew National - they answer to a higher power - with Goulden's and sauerkraut, bun lightly toasted. Windmill's in Jersey anyone?

6. Favorite Christmas song? We changed the Hippo Song lyrics last year: from teacher to google ;) Any big song in a big group of folks, thinking of a tiny baby and peace on earth - that's my favorite!

7. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Coffee, coffee, coffee (to the tune of holy, holy, holy :::bg:::)

8. Can you do push ups? Oh yeah! I can't wait, in fact, to graduate to real weight-bearing-on-the-arms yoga ♥

9. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? My wedding ring. I sometimes wish I could still wear it, 'cept I'm not married anymore, that whole death parting thing.

10. Favorite hobbies? Knitting/felting, television watching, opinion sharing ::bg::, blogging, photography

11. Do you have ADD? No deficit here a'tall thankyouverymuch - nor do I approve of labeling any other human being with a deficit. If you're not worthy of attention, seems to me YOU'd be the one with the deficit, not the person refusing to attend you. Then again, that's just me. Look! shiny!

12. What's one trait that you hate about yourself? No thing I hate about myself. What's one trait I am focusing some attention on lately? my tendency to withdraw and crab without provocation. Q-TIP is my mantra.

13. Middle name? The one in the middle. Lea. Like Lee but for a girl. So said DeLila when I came home crying because she gave me an ugly boy's name - not that the name was ugly, it belonged to an ugly boy. Not cool. She showed me the difference, I was calmed and whattaya know, it led, a million years later, to a life-changing conversation with Mitch. All from a bottle of Worcester Sauce.

14. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? I love this laptop, Sabrina the teen aged witch is a great peek into how the other side doesn't really live, coffee is goooooooooooooooood

15. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Mexican Coca-cola (sugar, no corn syrup), soy mocha, water

16. Current worry right now? Not finding the mailbox key, I'm starting to miss my insipid magazines...

17. Current hate(s)right now? There's that Hate word again! Current "burrs under my saddle blanket" -- uh, I don't have any worth discussion and discussing them seems to make them more important than they really are. So the answer really, is nothanks.

18. Favorite place to be? Right here, right now - 'cept it'd be nice if the dog AND the boy would stop farting.

19. How did you ring in the New Year? With a bell.

20. Like to travel? Yes, in fact we're gearing up for a long-overdue road trip! Hayden and I are heading to LA for a few, some, many days.

21. Name 3 people that you hope will complete this? you, you, and You

22. Do you own slippers? My favorite Xmas present ever: Sally and Jack slippers from Hot Topic

23. What color shirt are you wearing? Green Yoga top from Old Navy (see dianas365.blogspot.com)

24. Could you ever make it 39 days on the show Survivor? Thank God Almighty No!

25. Song you sing in the shower? I'm pretty much always singing in my head.

26. Favorite girls names? Hannah, Molly, Esther, Yves (eve), Helena

27. Favorite boys names? Harrison, Henry, Louis, Xavier (said the french way Zav-i-ay)

28. What's in your pocket right now? No pockets.

29. Last thing that made you laugh? Hayden

30. Worst injury you've ever had? Probably the broken jaw 8/85, though it really wasn't so bad, they gave me codiene ::bg:: I think that time I flipped my thumb back - that probably hurt the worst!

31. Do you love where you live? OH YEAH!

32. How many t.v's do you have in your house? 2, plus two computers

33. Who's your loudest friend? Willow & I love her for it!

34. Does someone have a crush on you? huh, YEAH I'm sure ♥

35. What's your favorite candy? Chicko-sticks are dairy free!!!!!!!!

36. What were u doing at 12 AM last night? Dozing and thereby missing the last half of the new Law and Order. I'm gonna watch that as soon as I'm done here!

37. What were u doing at 7AM this morning? Waking up, so as to get breakfast with the family when we drove Scotty to work.

38. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up today? Sunnyside Up BREAKFAST! ♥

39. What's your favorite holiday? My Birthday, the Holiest of all HOLYdays ;-p

40. What are your plans for tomorrow? Homeschool Central, then SUSHI for Freya Day and to celebrate Bree's birthday - with Hayden and Drew and Elaina, too ♥

Unconscious Mutterings

Play some free associations:

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Mourning :: For eternity
   
2. Approval :: Unnecessary
   
3. Lotion :: Lavender Oil
   
4. Pespire :: ONIONS (be sure the N is pronounced thru the nose, "uhn- yuuuhn")
   
5. Language :: Multi-
   
6. Defection :: Survival
   
7. Play :: landing with your foot in your mouth
   
8. Graphic :: Novels
   
9. Spicy :: Cake
   
10. In love :: Comfort
    

made for me or what?!

My Very Own Tree of Happiness

The ever amazing Zenmomma has given me this Tree of Happiness Award. This award gives me the opportunity to list 6 things that make me happy and then I choose 6 friends to tag. Tena, Amy, Renee, Carelia, Linda, Kat
Just one more thing my friend Mary and I have in common, a seasonal melancholy malady, generally called February. In skipping the list of the well known & obvious causes of great joy in my life, I bring you the stabalizing forces of joy that brought me through the heavy Februaried shadows and into the bright sunlight of a much lighter-hearted march through March.


1. My friends. Yeah, maybe this is a known and obvious cause of joy, it is indeed one worth putting in the #1 spot. From messages to my favorite breakfast to phone calls to surprise offers to walk to sacred mementos to cards to thoughts and prayers. I am well-loved. And that is the most healing gift I could ever be offered. Namaste, my sisters, namaste.


2. Yoga. Yoga. Yoga. Three classes total so far & all I can say is a Neo-esque "Whoa" I am flexible, I am calm, I am quiet, I am strong, I am soft, I am whole. That has been the gift of Yoga, thus far. heh, I'm sure I'll never complete the list! ♥ Did I mention I'm in love with the Eagle Pose? And I can do it and balance without a brick.


3. Cash Economy. Jon Gold has some amazing things to say about the benefits of cash. In case he thinks his words are in vain, he has inspired our family to live without any electronic forms of currency. An adjustment to be sure, and a worthwhile one thus far. We live within our means every moment of every day & viola! we can live *well* within our means! It goes hand in hand with our Be Here Now philosophy. Not to mention we're saving a bundle on bank fees!



4. Charlie the Unicorn *snort* Jennerson. Being his pack leader has been the biggest lifestyle challenge since becoming a parent for the first time. He demands a level of physical activity heretofore unheard of the the world of diana. Thanks Charlie! Thanks Cesar! Thanks me, for knowing the dog's health trinity is more important than the comfort of a sedentary lifestyle. And Thanks to Whomever designed the really cool chemicals that are released in the human brain during activity.


5. Audiobooks on MP3. Oh baby! From Stephen Frye reading the entire Harry Potter series to my first foray into listening in Spanish; from Stephanie Plum to Kinsey Millhone; from Loving Neil Gaiman's reading to abhorring Stephen King's; from several attempts at Eat Pray Love (no, I'm still not thru it!) to running through The Appeal; I look forward listening to new friends and old, reliving and learning, experiencing and remembering. My bibliophile heart can love to listen, too! ♥


6. Taking pictures. I love being in love with where I live! Mostly I love that no matter how blue I might feel, there is green waiting to greet me, just outside my door. The oxygen of outside is sometimes enough to make the difference in the direction my day is heading, emotionally. I make a point of documenting the life around me, to remind myself of the constant cycle, the constant renewal, the tiniest of all examples of the miracle of life on this planet. I am awe-full every single day. For that I am not only happy, I am eternally grateful. Go ahead, click on my green spot and prepare to be surprised and, I hope, inspired.

Describe Yourself in Song

Using only song titles from ONE artist (your choice), cleverly answer these questions.

Not that easy...try it...then ask some good pals to do it too :)
(that'd be you, dear reader)

I chose to use songs by artist: _________________________
Yeah, right, you don't know?
You'll have to guess
(I'm changing answers now, to make it harder!)
*********************************************

1. Are you male or female: Sweet Painted Lady

2. Describe yourself: The Wide-Eyed and Laughing

3. How do you feel about yourself: Stone's Throw from Hurtin

4. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: Love's Got A Lot to Answer For

5. Describe your current boy/girl situation: Harmony

6. Describe your current location: Town of Plenty

7. Describe where you want to be: Simple Life

8. Your best friend is: Amazes Me

9. Your favorite color is: Indian Sunset

10. You know that: I Meant to Do My Work Today

11. What's the weather like: Just Like Strange Rain

12. If your life was a television show what would it be called? One Day at a Time

13. What is life to you: If There's A God In Heaven (What's He Waiting For?)

14. What is the best advice you have to give: The End Will Come

Where I'm From

I am from cast iron skillets, from SPAM and yellow mustard.

I am from the green stucco house, cooled in the summer by daddy's hose.

I am from the tomato patch, the lilac bushes and the sound of wind chimes.

I am from Christmas at Gramma Ellis' and obesity, from the Petersons, Tilstras and Lamberts and Harm and Kate.

I am from the card sharks and peacemakers.

From those damned Indians and trailer trash.

I am from hardy midwestern Dutch Reformed and Lutherans. We love deviled ham sandwiches, fruit punch, and expect kids to be seen and not heard.

I'm from Harrisburg, SD, Dutch, German and Indigenous, scrambled eggs with tomato sauce and parsley and spice cake with coffee frosting.

From the explosion of the haybailer containing Uncle Lydell from which they only recovered his glasses, the birth of a dark chocolate baby boy to two white married folk, and the man who changed his last name to match his best friend.

I am from musty black pages, cemeteries filled with stones, the house with the splintery stairs, the rabbit hutches & strawberries, rattlesnakes, cowboyhats and alcohol-as-medicine, carnies, horseback riding and Watkin's salve.

-=-
A mad/lib type meme from this template.

on this International Day of Mourning,

or what The Catholics* call Ash Wednesday, the kick-off if-you-will to the International 40 Days of Mourning. It is a delicious time to be sad. Even if you're not Catholic, nor catholic, chances are you know one or 12 ♥ if not, there are several hundred down any ol' street 'round the globe, just waiting to bless you up some wafers ;)
The best part of being in the Catholic church, in my opinion, is the solemnity of Lent. The true sacrificial heart of one who longs to understand the pain of the One called Messiah. When suffering, to call upon our own divine human soul, the part that allows one to remain whole after inhuman pain is experienced.
To doubt God is human; Jesus was indeed human.
To trust God is divine; Jesus was indeed divine.
Diana, therefore is divinely human.
I remember that I am not alone in my pain, I am not alone in my sacrifice, I am not alone in my questioning, and BY GOD I am not alone in divine grace.
And then, at the end of the 40 days of solemn grace, divine sacrifice, we get to celebrate the Resurrection - the shedding of all that is human and becoming wholly holy. Hallelujah indeed.
Easter's Vigil (to be addressed later) is the most riotous time to be present with Catholics! The Hallelujahs raise the rafters, so gleefully rejoicing Christ's passage onto whatever's next, paving the way for the rest of us...
at least, that's what Lent means to me.
God doesn't mind when I say I've sacrificed enough thankyouverymuch.
He's cool like that.
I wear my ashes proudly.
I can't wait to sing Hallelujah!
*to be said in the hushed whisper of a Lutheran Grandmother; much like the pronunciation of cancer on the east coast, without the Jersey accent, of course.

**Big News**

::: BREAKING NEWS :::

In 2009 the government will start
deporting all the mentally ill people.

I started crying when I thought of you.

Run my Crazy little friend, run ! !


Well, what can I say ??
Someone sent it to me &
I'm NOT going alone !!

I was going to e-mail this to everyone, then I realized my list of crazy people just might crash Google ♥

Embracing my Flames

today
I cannot find the words
thankfully,
they're not lost
they're Mine
through Her
Embracing the Flame