Climbing out from under...

It's an uncomfortable process. Not that it's bad. Maybe in the *giving birth* kinda scary uncomfortable; alike in the pain with purpose ideal. Being responsible is a big job. And, honestly, I'm good at it when I'm present with it. When I don't let the choir of resentment and bullshit stand in the way. I've done amazing things with far less cash; with far more intention. I've been joyful in the midst of worse circumstance.
I'm working next weekend as Dish Wench to pay for therapy. The job itself is what I like to call Paid Meditation. With water even. And the joy of fulfilling purpose. A creation of instant gratitude. I dig being Dish Wench. I now especially dig the thought of talking to someone. Someone who's gonna tell my Ego to leave the room, so the work can be done. Someone with whom I get to practice and strengthen my ability to remove Ego from the equation and get down to the business of living in the Now in a real and powerful way. It's just enough hocus-pocus I feel I'll not be judged and it's enough ass-kickin' I won't be able to hide. And, well, as a Dutch fellow, I feel a strange connection, like having my ass lovingly kicked by my Grandpa Tilstra. I got the support workbook, to reinforce thought clarity through writing. And it helps.
And throw in some Byron Katie and her questions and turnarounds...
As I'm breathing deep, reveling in all I am grateful for, I realize the air sure smells better now...

Right Here, Right Now

Ah, what a difference a day makes!
I cried. For hours. Sweet Release, it was! Hayden hovered and made sure if I wasn't okay at the moment, I was on my way to being okay. His concern moved me to more tears. He was a shining example of not taking it personally, as he witnessed and supported my process.
I talked to Scotty. We're getting a joint account at the local credit union, thereby leaving all of the corporate banking craziness where it belongs - in the past and out of our lives. We're beginning to look at this life as a joint venture, as well. Not just you and me, a real US! (omg, is that grownup thinking or what?!?!?!)
Then I left the house. It was a tough one. I remember the moment where I debated if I should remind Hayden of the homeschool day at the local Boys & Girls Club... I waffled and I waffled and then The Voice said: You're in this for him to make this life better for him, put your crap away. And I listened! We were actually up and at the Club by 11:00 am!! :::happy dance::: There I was immediately met by a friendly face and a True Offer of help -- a free Life Coach ♥ I'm gonna take a deep breath of courage and jump into a support style relationship. I just gotta. The gods, with their infinite sense of humor tempered with a bit of actual caring, have put this person on my path with this offer at the exact moment I need it. I'm not one to disregard the gifts of this Life.
Hayden was met with equal joy by several of his friends. As he ran off to play Rock Band & Dodge Ball, I was happily distracted by the daughters of Linda & Scott. Ah, the love they infused into my grey-wallowing thoughts! Pondering enough change for blueberry pop-tarts is so much more important than whatever past-ghost feels the need to haunt me. So much did I need the company of these bountiful spirits, they all decided to follow me home. For hours! (I'm gonna do a whole post over at Bodhicitta) I not only had to pack up the past, I had to be fully present and conscious of my right here, right now with their energy surrounding me.
In the middle of this honorable visit, I popped over to pay our rent. To the usually-in-my-mind grumpy, cantakerous landlord. He was sweet and gentle and oh-so concerned about me. Which is usually his wife's job, she must be having an influence ;) Our rent's caught up and we signed a new lease for the next year.
Then I got to be at Sunnyside Up for the last of the Celtic Jam sessions (they're moving to Old World Deli on Tuesday evenings), sharing my amazing monkey bread (which, thanks to all the yummy butter, I enjoy vicariously). After I helped close the place down, I got to visit Bre and her Josh. Shhhh, don't tell him, but she let me drive his Mercedes home that night ♥ It's really hard to drive when you've got a girl-boner, though I thought I did pretty well!
And it just keeps getting better... I had a looooooong shift on Saturday, as SSU's best Dish Wench (since Mary). The energy of the place, the customers, the artwork, the amazing food, my co-workers & the sense of teamwork... it was straight up exactly what I needed!
Oh, I met a real-live kiwi (the native New Zealander form) who was on his way to Seattle to hop on a plane to go home... he'd planned to take the coast, but was discouraged by the overcast day he awoke to. I recommended he still take the coast (as there are probably a handful of sunny days available to take that trip) and he could let me know if it was particularly awful and I'd not recommend it again. He took me at my word and asked for my e-mail address to inform me later; of course, I asked him to take some Hannah with him. And he agreed excitedly to do so! I can't wait to hear where she leads him...
See, I can see the glorious bounty before me. I can choose to be right here, right now with JOY!

I'm the Artist

Diana's result for The Perception Personality Image Test...

NFPC - The Artist

Nature, Foreground, Big Picture, and Color

You perceive the world with particular attention to nature. You focus on what's in front of you (the foreground) and how that fits into the larger picture. You are also particularly drawn towards the colors around you. Because of the value you place on nature, you tend to find comfort in more subdued settings and find energy in solitude. You like to deal directly with whatever comes your way without dealing with speculating possibilities or outcomes you can't control. You are in tune with all that is around you and understand your life as part of a larger whole. You are a down-to-earth person who enjoys going with the flow.

The Perception Personality Types:

Take The Perception Personality Image Test at HelloQuizzy

Thanks Invisible Friend!

A delicate balance, indeed

Oh how I wish I felt like I had a solid footing in sanity! 'twould be nice, I understand. It's been so long, I don't know if I can remember what it feels like. I want to be happy again. I do know I once was. I sometimes seem glimpses of that happy Self, nothing more than shadows and memory now.
I sleep a lot. And odd hours. Lots of hours. When I'm not sleeping, I'm wishing I was asleep. Television is a calm reprieve from sleeping, though it's much like sleeping with my eyes open. When dreams mirror reality, I rebound with insomnia. Insomnia filled with mindless television. To quiet the "I told you so" voices in my head.
I can pull it together for Hayden. Most of the time. I can still muster up enough energy to be present for him and with him. It's not sparkly, but I'm there. I walk the dog every day. The 30+ minutes I'm on my bike seem like a whole different (oxygenated) world. Then I get off the bike, feet firmly in my present circumstances and I want to sleep.
I want to blame Wells Fargo for their asinine willy-nilly rejection of Scotty's paychecks; when indeed it's my responsibility to ensure we've got cash for groceries. I want to blame Scotty for his self-absolution of financial responsibility; though it's my own lack of assertion that leaves us here. And my jealousy that there's no one to absolve ME of my responsibilities. Somehow I find his on my plate, as well. And add to that a large topping of resentment and heck, I've set myself up for some pretty shitty life circumstances.
I don't know what to do. Maybe I just don't want to do anything. And then I'll still be here chasing my miserable tail.
I wish I could internalize the words of the masters, without my natural cynicism, and take to heart that finding Joy in the right now ensures I attract more Joy to my future Nows.
Where has my optimism gone? Where is my Joy hiding? Where is my connection with Life as an Amazing Adventure?
I just wanna crawl into the bottle of Crown Royal calling me from the kitchen... and yet I know full well that crawling out means the same life circumstances, with a headache and possibly hives.
I don't wanna be a grown up A.N.Y. MORE.

I ♥ Gregory House

I watched an episode years ago, at Sandra's house circa 2005. I've thought of her each time I flip through a random showing. Not until a recent marathon did I find my soulful connection to one Mr. Doctor House... He's in pain. I'm in pain. He takes pills and crabs at people. I take deep breaths and strive not to unnecessarily crab at people. In one episode, he is under some serious pressure from Cuddy, et al, to stop his addiction to pain meds. In his stand to justify his need, the exchange goes something like this:

Cuddy: You take pain pills.
House: I'm in pain.
Cuddy: You take a lot of pain pills.
House: I'm in a lot of pain.

at some point he begins to drop his trousers for her, and we get to see the scars he bears, and he says something like, Seems to me there should be a thigh muscle right here.

I wish I could just point out my scar and say seems to me there should be a Hannah right here...

I see your inner human

Seeing Humanness
Gemini Daily Horoscope

The struggles we all face may touch you on a deep level, which may mean that you look upon others with greater compassion and understanding today. It might be that your awareness of the pain and hurt you have felt, or simply seeing what other people are going through, could inspire you to reach out and empathize with the people around you. Perhaps you can practice looking at everyone you meet through the lens of concern and kindness. As you encounter others, you might imagine what they have been through. Even if you feel like judging someone today, simply picture that they have lost a loved one or have experienced another form of sorrow. Letting yourself see others for who they are could bring you to a greater understanding of their life experiences.

Compassion begins with our being able to connect with the humanity that lies within each and everyone of us. It is easy for us to disassociate from this part of ourselves for once we start recognizing the struggle that exists in all people we might feel overwhelmed. If we simply allow ourselves to see that these experiences are things that bind us together, that is, that even though they are different they are something we all share, we will begin to feel a deeper sense of oneness with other people. By looking for the humanity in other people today, you will find it easier to act with more love, consideration, and sympathy.

Dear Larry,

Here is your official Kick-in-the-Pants. With my rainbow, sunshine and pony image-filled steel-toed boots. Though my price is more than $1: it'll cost ya at least one trip to Oregon to deliver my Swede and a small commitment to finding yer very own source of JOY. I discovered this website yesterday (funny how the universe works innit?) and joined the community at this one. I even drank the kool-aid ordered the book.
Just in case you don't wanna check them out, please remember you've not yet fulfilled your purpose here on Earth -- we're not done with you yet, mister! And, indeed, I am Spirit, You are Spirit, All is Spirit & All is Well.
We love you and can't wait to hear about your exciting new trick of gettin' yer head outta yer ass (hey! I'm an expert ♥). What I've learned with my amazing amount of practice at head-from-ass removal is this: you never stop sticking your head in your ass (as long as you're a human being), what you gain is a proficiency at getting it back out into the fresh air. That's where Life happens!
Big Hugs and Kisses from US ♥

The Whole of Me

When embarking on a serious self-loathing expedition (and yes, your comments -save one- have certainly helped me flog along on this journey, thanks!), it's best to *not* exercise. Not to move farther than the sofa, refrigerator & toilet. Ever. Exercise brings oxygen, which carries off all kinds of crud from one's body. And soul. Spiritual wallowing, along with it's physical partner (and a good House marathon), becomes impossible with movement.
Eckhart Tolle describes a full-presence with one's body. As I ride my bike, I think of proper posture (thanks Mrs. Surts!) and the strengthening of my core muscles. Before the three miles are over, I'm thinking it's not just the physical core that's been exercised. If the core is not strong, the other "muscles" must perform duties that will, indeed, tax them to the point of injury. Aha! So my core being, my center of gooey-love for myself, must be intact and performing it's own responsibilities, so that the rest of me doesn't fall down around my proverbial ears.
As I practice being aware of my abdominal muscles and all they do for the whole of me, I am becoming aware of my spiritual center and how the work of it's strength is ultimately a realization of the Whole of Me.
Note to internal choir: Moneychangers and thieves beware, you're no longer welcome in the Temple of Diana.

A Thought on Process

It starts with a clench,
Radiating to my heart,
Awakening me.

My mind moves slowly,
Scanning for a piece of truth,
Needing to be safe.

Truth is never safe,
The Soul already knows it-
Ego's Death is fierce.

Now is all we have,
We exist beyond our words,
Beyond our great thoughts.

Fully in presence,
We are truly uncovered,
Are you glad to see?

What is there to fear?
Why do we cling so blindly?
What comforts are gained?

To release the tale,
And stand in your quiet center,
Is to know the Truth.

As Zaphod found out,
Total Perspective Vortex
Ain't such a bad place.

Conveying Your Feelings

September 6, 2008
Conveying Your Feelings
Gemini Daily Horoscope

You may find it easier to openly express your affection to loved ones today which could put you in a much more tender and warmhearted mood. Being able to really say how you feel might be way for you to create a greater amount of intimacy between you and those you care about. Perhaps taking a few minutes before you share your feelings to really look within and ask yourself what is going on inside of your heart can help strengthen your ability to clarify how you truly feel today. You might also wish to keep in mind that your reflections may also reveal more concrete ways to show your love such as by lending another person a helping hand, giving them a loving embrace or simply keeping them company with your soothing and warm presence.

There are many ways to convey the depth of our emotions for other people. While it might always seem easiest to say things with words, if we really take the time to think about what course of action will best illustrate our feelings, we will probably find that there are deeper and more meaningful ways to get our message across. Since whatever way works best for us in any given moment may change with time, it is always a good idea to ask our inner selves to guide us in terms of what we should do. Showing your true feelings either through your words or actions today will bring more honesty to your relationship and make you closer to your loved ones.