Gainful Employment

I left my last *official* job (the kind with a breakroom and dental insurance, without pantyhose) on Friday, December 1, 2000. Actually, I took that day off to take Mitch to the doctor for yet another picture of his brain. So my last day at work was November 30, 2000. I had a dang cool job then, too, interpreting for a Deaf student, just mornings, in an elementary school. As diana, this means I've got all kinds of crazy emotional attachments to the thought of work, especially as a mother. Not to mention the multitude of blog posts I could write about mainstreaming Deaf kids. Alas, not this time. For today, I shall stick to my point.

Back in your chair? Good.

Jobs, Working, Employment, Connections, Fears and Courage.
Yesterday happened to be a highlight of my current official employment. Yeah, it was a kick-ass (as in -my-ass) day; actually for all of us! I was there to do the dishes, there really is a zen to dishwashing and I love to stand and channel Mary and do what I can to support my favorite local business :) Being part of the chaos without actually being part of the chaos was nice for a while. As things go, I found myself replaced by Mary and asked to do one of the very things I do best. There was this part of me, from 6 or 7 crazy weekends, 23 (eek!) years ago, who peed just a little at the request. I don't think I'd get a very good reference from my very first job, not just because it no longer exists, because I am SO not cut out for the whole truck stop experience. I'm related to folks for whom this kind of thing makes sense and works for them. Me? I didn't get that gene. Since I'm not 16 anymore (thank the gods!) and I've taken a long enough sabbatical to think things through, I waitressed. Which was easy because I was really just backup for the two very experienced (though one was sick!) waitresses we already had, plus the baristas are there to take out the food and ring up checks. So, as part of the team I did what I love to do at this job: support my friends and charm the customers, with the added bonus of selling a plethora of Challa French Toast!
When I arrived home, I looked like this:
partially because I was so glad to be home (it was exhausting) and partially because I am so totally energized by this kind of frenetic energy and partially because I was going to take a nap and wake up to Baking!! (oddly enough, even naptime involved food, as Scotty and Hayden engaged in an Iron Chef cookoff with Broccoli) I am so diggin' the baking gig. I baked and baked and plotted and planned and thought and meditated and didn't think and whipped and mixed and created. Then it was done and I realized I had just worked for 3.5 hours in the quiet (which explains why I jumped at the settling of the ice machine!). Sometimes there's so much going on inside (and it's loud, believe me!) I don't notice the outside. That zone is best used when there's no one around to be ignored.
Kat warned me I would dream of work. And I do. Not of irate customers or disasters. Of pineapple upside down coffee cake and new flavor combinations for scones and strudel and coffee frostings.
Hayden's been cool about work, too. I prefer having him with me at the baking shift, he just sits at his favorite table and surfs the web. An occasional holler for how to spell something, otherwise a kind of companionable silence. When I barista, he hangs with Jon and Mary. This means they'll soon, for sure, lose their status as the most boring house. As it stands, they have his PS2 and the GH3, so he'll be seeing them soon. When I work and Scotty's home, they've had some great times together (wait til I blog about the cookoff!).
So there is something to be said about working and making it work. I have a reason to leave my house; the energy boost of the environment is a great reward for getting out!! There's a shift, a subtle difference that is deeper than just a new place for us to live. Just as there are many factors contributing to my downward swing, there are, indeed, an equal amount of factors working on the upswing. All is as it should be. And it is great! Amen.

Unconscious Mutterings

Too much time on my hands? Perhaps. A bit too juiced to nap? Oh yeah. Cooooooofffffeeee is goooooooooood.
Found this when I googled "Sunday Meme"
Let's Play: I say.... You think... (Or is it You said.... I think.... ???)

1. Treadmill :: Endless


2. Stroke :: Burst


3. Exclusively :: Limited


4. Lash :: Whip


5. Red carpet :: Dress


6. Credit card:: Bill


7. Points :: Earn


8. Domestic :: Local


9. 21 :: BlackJack


10. Inject :: Interrupt

A Moment of Silence

for the boys across the street. Scotty witnessed their peaceful transition to potroast, the other day. He says it was calm, Mr. Farmer and Mr. Butcher arrived on the scene in their trucks and tools, the boys came over and *boom* x3, they were on to their next incarnation. With the bonus of becoming human sustenance along the way. No trucks, no chutes, no cattle prods, just quick easy death. The kind that makes the best dinner. So tonight, we're having teriyaki pot roast in their honor, hoping our dinner had the same kind of transition the Boys did. Thanks guys, hope you like your new existence!

The high price of Grief

Last night, Hayden and I had a great time cruising our new town together. He talked of a memory during a tornado warning when we all had to be in the basement. Someone was holding him and it was kinda cold. He thinks dad was there. I remember a tornado threat, Mitch's first birthday post-mortem, when Gramma Mimi was visiting. Could be he combined memories, could be I just don't remember that one time with Mitch. He talked of what he remembers about Gramma Mimi. He talked of the richness of his memories, how glad he is to have them. I mentioned that time I left him with her and he screamed the whole time. Then she took him to Monsters, Inc. and he took a break until the movie was over. I apologized. He was only three. I desperately needed a break. What I couldn't see, what I just didn't have room for, was a baby who desperately needed a mama. I had a flash of a memory while Hayden took a bath, a tiny view of Hannah's face as I pulled away and all she wanted was for me to be there and I gave her the just a minute or the you're fine, I'm right here. Why couldn't I be there? What lesson is there? The thought of that memory from the other side, of mama needing to be somewhere else instead of right here.
What I miss the most? I thought of this... I did miss Mitch, mostly though, I missed Mitch's love. Knowing it was there and full and mine. Hannah's love; even when I gave her reasons to make that other face, the all of her faces were filled with love for me, forgiveness, acceptance. Hayden's tougher. He had lots of opportunities for the don't leave me face, it's true. What does he make them mean? What do I make them mean? These moments of clarity, when I can both acknowledge past sources of pain and create a new, safe, joyful memory, are how I know the job is not an unsurmountable challenge. Last night was a treat. I was in the real now and what I did/said mattered. I listened, I was present, I shared.
I've cocooned into myself these last many weeks. With blowing winds. I'm not sure if they are my fears or if they're my own defense against facing my fears. I've braved the outside world to great reward: my friends' visits, working at Sunnyside Up; yet, I'm happy to just curl up into myself whenever I have a chance. I've used some of that time for enjoyment: I've got three or four knitting projects going on right now, I've read more Anne Lamott and for shits and giggles, I picked up some Stephanie Plum (at least no one's shooting at me). I see myself building that wall, putting up my defenses, shutting others out. Hayden can come in, I can scrape up what I need to begin engaging with him and I'm usually inspired enough to continue to do so. Other folk require more than I've been willing to scrape together. It seems there's not much left. It's really sad. It's like I want to engage and just can't ~ put myself at risk? ~exhaust myself?
Where is my sense of abundant diana? That, indeed is the real question.
I'm gonna go knit and ponder.

I found Peace

We still lived in Rapid City then. The kids were 6 & 4, we were preparing for our first Peace Rally, at Mount Rushmore. We made our signs out of cardboard boxes which had most recently been a fort.

I realize wars don't happen because of violent video games. I realize wars happen because human beings are disconnected from one another on a very basic level. Peace really does come from connections.

Thanks Hannah, for today's reminder to be at Peace.
(Karen: the picture of Hannah's Kite was taken at Pine Ridge with Sara and her family)

Thursday 13

13 Moments of NonCon 2007 ~ The Golden Vortex

13. Marty can play a themesong! Skills.


12. "Qabbi" plays dress-up at the Hippie Store
I just gotta say, when I was their age, there's NO WAY I would have put this on and walked around, especially NOT around any of the grownups in my life. Sanctuary is such a gift.

11. Qacei makes sperm.
Yes, Marty, it is too veeeery special that you make sperm all the time; however, Q's got ya beat on pure novelty alone. If it makes you feel any better, Scotty thinks her sperm isn't too bright, it's actually swimming away from Abbi's (off screen) flower!

10. The Canadians' arrival. Gillian called late on Friday announcing their landing in Corvallis and seeking directions to my home ♥ We were suddenly full of our 2nd (or 5th?) wind and Kyra, Hayden, Marty and I jogged down to the corner and awaited their arrival. One (or Four) cannot just stand on a shadowed, very busy, street corner in the middle of the night. So they did jumping jacks and waved and shouted hello. They even chased an Oregonian Minivan by mistake; it was joyful and exuberant :D I hope the driver wasn't scared! I sought songs about Canada; I don't yet know the words to the National Anthem, nor C-A-N-A-D-A, so we sang other Raffi songs. We'd recently gotten Shake Your Sillies Out stuck in our heads ~ a great cardio song :D I've changed up my Favorite Canadian List: The Mayer Clan are all tied for my #1 favorite Canadian, Raffi can stand 2nd place :D That's me and Tiki and her cytoblast at Central Park, downtown Corvallis.

9. A whole collection of moments that look like and feel like this picture. A tribe is surely a gift. The Golden Vortex at work. Fergus is so happily engaged with the kids (Marty) that both Craig and Gillian get to hang out in the kitchen!! In the breakfast nook, Mary is visiting with the sweet guy we brought home from the Amy concert at Sunnyside Up. We thought he might be a roadie or a groupie, as he had train engineer striped pants on, just like Amy; nope. He was happy to follow us and have some great food, drink and company. Just behind Ronnie (R), Amy Steinberg herself rests in the big comfy chair, with a blankie and full service laundry for her delicates.

8. Scotty walked into a party-already-in-full-swing, I laid one on him to the cheers of the whole crowd. He turned tomato red and left the room, only to return later to still more cheers. He happily discovered the love throughout the overwhelm of exuberance. ♥

7. Hayden Shines. Nothing says home like comfortable company. It's official! I've had a sweet, sweet many days with my shiny, happy boy. What may look like chaos brings such calm and peace to us in it's wake.
6. The Golden Vortex ~ for real! Represented right here: BC Canada, Northern Minnesota and Eastern South Dakota. All together through the magic of Mary Gold and the big scary internet...
There's magic here and she knows it! She's using her powers for good. We're glad ♥

5. Sunnyside Up. What an amazing place. What a gift to the universe, the folks of Corvallis and especially friends ;)
4. Beards! We will never again leave the house without our handy-dandy disguises :)3. Young Love, the stages
There's now Patrick and Neebin, Patreebin. It's sweet and new. Patrick really likes Corvallis and is willing to ride the bus to get here. He's in love. ♥There used to be Marty and Madeline (well, there still are, technically, though without the *and*)On Wednesday, Marty said "I used to like Oak Harbor. Not anymore." I was almost sad, then I realized it's not a perfect fit and the perfect fit is just waiting.

2. Guitar Hero
I don't think Craig actually got his showdown with Kelli, he sure had fun anyway! Scotty and his guitar playin' faceAbbigal's got smokin skillsThough I don't yet have photograpic proof, I suspect the set up of GH3 has briefly derailed Mary's title of The Most Boring House, ever. Congrats Mary!?

1. Our Indian Restaurant offers both Dumplings and Dumpings. You're jealous, I just know it. Plus I got to go there for a bit of a Girls' Night Out with Abbi, Kyra, Kelli, Mary and Qacei and Joni and Steffie stopped by, too :)
I said our Indian Restaurant. 'cause I live here now, how cool is that?? All the way cool.

The Amy Moment

My first Amy Steinberg show... Exactly, Exactly, Exactly how it should be.
Thanks Craig! Thanks Amy! Thanks Mary! Thanks Ren ~ You were there!! Thanks Universe!
(nice hair Abbi & Diana!! ♥)

Wowee Thursday

I was meant to read this today. Ode to the Gods. I sit and breathe and chillax. Release and accept. Dangit Jon! Ya had to say it, "All is as it should be." and indeed, it always is.

October 31, 2007 ~Letting Go Of Understanding ~Deeper Meanings

All of us who seek to be conscious and aware regard our experiences as teachers, and we try to discern what lessons we are learning from the things that happen in our lives. Sometimes the lesson is very clear from the get-go, and other times we have to really search to understand the deeper meaning behind some event. While this search often yields results, there also comes a point in the search where what we really need to do is move forward. It is possible that we are not meant to know the deeper meaning of certain occurrences. Answers may come later in our lives, or they may come as a result of letting go, or they may never come.

We are all part of a complex system of being, and things work themselves out in the system as a whole. Sometimes we are just playing a necessary part in that process with a result larger than we can understand. It may have very little to do with us personally, and while that can be hard to understand, it can also free us from overthinking the matter. Sometimes it is best to see it in terms of karma, a past debt we have been able to repay in this way, or as the clearing of energy. We can simply thank the event for being part of our experience and let it go. This completes the process that the occurrence has made possible.

To make this letting go official, we can perform a ritual, make a final journal entry on the subject, or sit in meditation with the intention of releasing the event from our consciousness. As we do so, we summon it one last time, honoring it with our attention, thanking it, and saying good-bye. We then let it go out the door, out the window, out the top of our heads, or into the earth through the bottoms of our feet, liberating ourselves from any burden we have carried in association with it.

What do you think?

Meet the Neighbors

When I got outside for my first Halloween smoke, I got an up close and personal introduction to our neighbors across the street: Larry, Mo, and Curly. Collectively. Not in any order.
As I just met them this morning, I'm sure to get to know them better during our stay on Wakerobin Avenue. That's Hwy 99 in the background. So yeah, all you Californians, my house is *that* easy to get to!

Curly seems as curious about me as I do about him.
Then I realize he's got a look about him. He's watching me.

He might be embarrassed that I'd just witnessed this:
Or proud perhaps.
I think he digs his role as "USDA Inspector" in Bovine Porn.
Larry is clearly the Ron Jeremy of the field.
And, as there is balance in the Universe, Mo's the one takin' it.
He's okay. He's a Taoist. All is as it should be.

I think it's really sweet that Larry has his own version of post-coital cuddling, he's giving Mo a tongue bath.
While Curly stares me down, still.

I hope he's not imploring me to keep a secret!

See? Patience...

Gemini: Hidden feelings can have a profound impact on your day, even if you aren't aware of them yourself. Your subconscious mind is playing its own game now and it may take more time for you to understand what's going on. Allowing time for meditation, prayer or contemplation can help to quiet the noise so you can better understand what's motivating you.