On a dark and stormy night...

I lay in bed listening to the thunder and the pelting rain and I wonder... and I wonder... then I wonder if indeed I wonder too much! I can no longer deny there are millions of things on my obligation list I wish weren't there. There are many things in my denial file that now must be transferred elsewhere in my psyche because they've been discovered!
Even being the *master of my own universe* I'm still shell-shocked at what appears before me on my path of Life.
In my concerted effort to show Scotty the power of the benevolent universe (or God or gods or whathaveyou), the speed of Life's treadmill has increased more than 10x it seems. He shall begin his position as Master Controller at KTMR on September 8 (hap bir day Jojo!) and should arrive in OR circa September 5 (hap dead day grampa!). He just announced to Wumpus his departure. I stood in Yoko's shoes for a bit and was quickly assured by tipsy bandmates that more important than Scotty's music is Scotty's happiness ♥ They shall have a last hurrah bash the first weekend in Sept. Then we'll hop in our designated vehicles-- he shall head Pacific and we shall head Atlantic! I've got a line on a place for Scotty to stay in the interim, where he won't have to feel like he's imposing and yet giving a kind person the opportunity to be generous with him. The station is also willing to put him up for 3 days in a local motel. I'm sorry my tribe will mostly be in NC with me at Live and Learn, and that too is important to him... in a small way he wants to be independent and not rely on the help of others; the first week will be his opportunity to do just that before my helpers descend back home to lend their support. Mayhap a lunch at Sunnyside Up with the Ever Amazing Donna will be just what he needs to feel at home (the sushi place next door will help with his comfort as well!).
Today he is packing and purging and dissembling his life. It's sweaty, emotional work.
Today I am selling what I can at our little yardsale, hoping still to fund my new tattoo next month.
We'll be celebrating with the local homeschoolers, our Not Back to School party. I'm bringing a cake for Hayden's birthday. Scotty and Eric will have this last chance to hang out before the exodus.
What a great day! Amen.

Just like Crystal and Dave!

Star in Your Own JibJab! It's Free!

He loves me so much it pisses him off!

Yeah, it's true... crazy ol' me has softened the heart of the hardened cynic. Yay me!! It's downright amazing what the power of love really and truly means to regular human BEings :) Not only does he love me so much that he's willing to look at the world from a perspective never known to him before, he also puts great consideration into the way he treats me. Everyday kind of treatment and the *treats* he knows will bring joy to my heart and soul. I'm so excited to have a new phone!! It actually works *in* my house :::happy dance::: In the *open* picture, the screen shows the very first picture my camera took -- Scotty and Patches ♥ and reads "I Love My Life" -- the outside screen is Hayden, with "Life IS Good" as a banner. Because the Super Cool Phone was just not enough (silly man!) I also am the lucky recipient of $100 Day Spa gift certificate (already got a hot stone massage and a European facial scheduled for next week!) tucked into a jar of wildflowers he picked from home! My first video is Trisha dancing with baby Breann on my back porch :) I got lots of new ring tones... so many, in fact, that nearly every regular caller has their own ring. Funny how that happened, too! I was waiting for the kids on a ride at the fair, spending my down time transferring my information by hand. I saw a teenaged girl with the same phone! I said to her, "you must be a really cool chick!" "Why?" "Because you have this phone!!" She agreed that only the coolest of all cool chicks get the EnV in orange! Then she told me about her cool ringtones from the 70s and 80s (or was that just her way of acknowledging my age?!). I've been spending an inordinate amount of time at myxertones.com picking out songs for rings. Trisha is now "Bananaphone" by Raffi; "Uptown Girl" for Scotty (which will alternate with "What I Got" by Sublime and "Help" by the Beatles, and maybe the Stones' "Beast of Burden" -- couldn't find "I Wanna Be Sedated" as he requested, though); "Low Rider" for Kelli who inspired me to have "Mad World" play with every text; my general ring is Bob Marley's (and now Hannah's) "Three Little Birds;" there's ELO for Uncle Troy; Green Day's uncensored "American Idiot" for Hayden's new phone (11 days! he's inheriting my old phone); in case Jared decides to call I've got the 70s Spiderman theme ring; I couldn't find "Hot for Teacher" for Jojo, so she gets "I'm a Believer" donkey-style; they have "Puff the Magic Dragon" which will be Mary until I can find some James... man, it is SO much fun! Thanks Scotty and know, even without this you are still the Super Coolest Boyfriend ever ♥

Really, really right now I'm going to do the dishes...

Abortion and the Constitution

Roe v Wade was decided on the 14th amendment -- the citizen's right to privacy from the government. When we go to the doctor, the doctor/patient privilege is guaranteed to all American citizens. Period. Nothing outside the fact that you're a citizen should be taken into consideration. If something is to be done, all of the information should remain between patient and doctor. I have objections to even statistics being gathered. The state has no right to know why I came for healthcare, be it STD or pregnancy or need for anti psychotics.
When I take away the moral/emotional issue of what terminating a pregnancy is, and return to focus to privacy in my medical care as guaranteed by the constitution more it becomes a logical/legal issue instead. More folks support the Constitution than support a woman's right to choose; not realizing they're the same thing.
It's incredibly sexist of our "justice is blind" government to say all citizens have a right to privacy, except for pregnant women.

Planned Parenthood Booth

Yesterday afternoon, I took time out of schlepping kids to volunteer at the low-attended booth at our local fair. I know I've got a great perspective on the whole *abortion* issue and I'm eager to aid in the shifting of folks' perceptions. [the constitution doing it's job for citizens regardless of gender] There was a couple of cool moments between the great conversations I had with the community outreach gal.
It was daycare day at the fair. 1,200 sheeple were herded around the grounds in groups of brightly colored tee shirts. Some with ropes to hold, some holding one another's shirts, some shepherded by crabby, crabby folks. Few were shepherded by less crabby folks. Being over 90 degrees with deep, dense humidity did not make for happy attitudes on the part of the grownups. Sad to witness. The kids I found to be the most curious about our table and wares were the kids wearing red shirts with a big white cross and "Christian Center" or somesuch on them. The first time the group of 15-5 year olds amoeba-ed it's way in front of us, Crabby Bitch Caretaker, chased them away quickly and screeched, "We CAN'T take anything from this table!!" Thanks for hanging the dangling carrot of choice before the kids! Anyhoo, they eventually wormed their way back over while CBC was busy talking to the energy guy across the way (I love the sociology opportunities the fair provides!). This time, I gently told the kids, "Sorry hon, your teachers don't want you to take any of our stickers"
"Why?" "Because it's bad?"
"No, not because it's bad," again with a soft and gentle tone, "because this is stuff that's better for your parents to talk to you about."
CBC's assistant heard me and gently redirected the kids to the open space a few feet away. When CBC finally turned around the kids were already on their way away and she commenced with her screeching again. Icky poo-poo to you lady! Oh and thanks for making me look good ya freaking whack-job!
I discovered a couple of great organizations:
Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice RCRC.org Which is composed of leaders of many, many mainstream religions who believe in a woman's right to choose her own reproductive destiny. I'm really impressed by the sheer number of organized churches represented. Their literature and statements are impassioned and inspiring!
Spiritual Youth for Reproductive Freedom SYRF.org is the youth-centered offshoot of RCRC. We had buttons and tattoos on the table, which were picked up by many teens after I began explaining it was a group of "kids who go to church and believe in the right to choose."
We also had an unofficial petition on the table to send a message to SD lawmakers that we (their contingency) feel the very best way to lower the number of abortions in SD is via Comprehensive Sex Education and Free Access to Birth Control. Neither of which is readily available to folks in this state [where pharmacies can claim a "moral objection" to medication they don't want to dispense, i.e. birth control and Plan B-- funny, they never refuse to prescribe Xanex or Prozac]. We collected a couple of pages of signatures! Maybe Oregon's attitude is possible here... I'm not sticking around to find out!! :)

Can you smell the Pacific breeze?

We shall soon! Scotty was officially offered a job in Eugene!!!! Full time, 4 days/week, full benefits and MORE money!!
Now it's logistics.
They want him to start yesterday.
Will they pay us to move? Will Scotty have to go out first and pave the way for us to come AFTER Live and Learn? Will I get my shit sorted and purged and packed?
Ack I've gotta crack my own whip!
Will my dad drive the u-haul?
Will I be okay without Mitch's hutch?

Clinging to my Core

Clinging To The Core
When Our World Falls Apart

There are times when our whole world seems to be falling apart around us, and we are not sure what to hold onto anymore. Sometimes our relationships crumble and sometimes it’s our physical environment. At other times, we can’t put our finger on it, but we feel as if all the walls have fallen down around us and we are standing with nothing to lean on, exposed and vulnerable. These are the times in our lives when we are given an opportunity to see where we have established our sense of identity, safety, and well-being. And while it is perfectly natural and part of our process to locate our sense of self in externals, any time those external factors shift, we have an opportunity to rediscover and move closer to our core, which is the only truly safe place to call home.

The core of our being is not affected by the shifting winds of circumstance or subject to the cycles of change that govern physical reality. It is as steady and consistent as the sun, which is why the great mystics and mystical poets often reference the sun in their odes to the self. Like the sun, there are times when our core seems to be inaccessible to us, but this is just a misperception. We know that when the sun goes behind a cloud or sets for the night, it has not disappeared but is simply temporarily out of sight. In the same way, we can trust that our inner core is always shining brightly, even when we cannot quite see it.

We can cling to this core when things around us are falling apart, knowing that an inexhaustible light shines from within ourselves. Times of external darkness can be a great gift in that they provide an opportunity to remember this inner light that shines regardless of the circumstances of our lives. When our external lives begin to come back together, we are able to lean a bit more lightly on the structures we used to call home, knowing more clearly than ever that our true home is that bright sun shining in our core.

Fun at the Fair

I gotta get my kvetching done and out of my system...

$5 to walk around the fair grounds?!?!?!? Land we already pay for with our taxes!! The most of my life it was $1. For over 40 years, it was the best deal in town. Last year they decided they needed $3 from every entrant (including, I discovered yesterday, the vendors!!) and then they complained of low attendance numbers. DUH! Sure, the increase to $5 is gonna make folks flock to the dang place?! The woman at the booth told me it's to help off-set the costs of clean-up (most of which is done by volunteers!) and to pay for the air conditioning of the Expo Building (which has traditionally been cooler and shadier than the grounds, not artificially cooled, though). Hmmm, I can't wait for the feedback when this year's fair closes.

♥ That said, I'm schlepping a car load of kids every day this week. Shall be a great time!

My most favorite conversation thus far:
Would you like to take our 2 question test?
Sure
Are you going to heaven when you die?
YES!
How do you know?
I have faith. Incredible faith.
In what? (okay, we're on to question 4, I didn't point this out)
In that I am living the life God has intended for me to live. I walk the path of intention. Intention of fulfilling my purpose on this planet as diana.
But do you believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God and he died for your sins?
Nope. I sure think Jesus is a great guy. I work hard every day to emulate his example. Too bad more Christians don't focus on emulation instead of condemnation.
Oh, I agree with you there, but you know when we stand before God and we don't believe in Jesus we're not good enough. (okay she got my goat right there!)
Not Good Enough?! There is no such thing in God's eyes!! God never, ever feels we're not good enough! God never, ever turns His back on one of His children. I cannot believe in a God who would create humans in their imperfections only to reject them and say, Nope, not good enough! I think it's far more than belief in Jesus necessary to have a good life, both here and the hereafter.
Well, we'll just have to agree to disagree.
Sure thing! I'll see ya on the other side and we can discuss it more when we get there!! Bye!
--hee hee

I'll be volunteering tomorrow afternoon at the Planned Parenthood booth from 1-3!! I found out there is a workshop next week (which I've already rsvp'd for!) called Sexuality and the Spirit. It's put on by Pastors 4 Moral Choices. Basically, it will talk of a comprehensive sex ed program with a faith based component (OWL already exists people!!). I'm excited for the inspiration for my upcoming talks at Live and Learn next month.

The closer we get to February

The closer I get to having the oldest child I've ever parented. On Hannah's Death Day, Hayden will be older than she ever was. I know this is fresh on my mind because their Birthdays are approaching and I just don't want to have my mother's day without the baby that made me a mother. I don't. I don't want it and it just shouldn't happen. EVER.
And yet it will... again and again and again.
And I will be tough and soft. I will be sad. I will rejoice once again in the opportunity to have been her mother. I will rejoice in continuing my mothering journey with her brother.
I am so glad Schuyler is coming on Hannah's day. To give me an excuse to emerge from my wallowing and provide some real-person contact I will so desperately need that day. (sorry I didn't warn you before!) I will meet her kids and hold on to the faith that there is a really good reason (there certainly better be!) that they never got to know my girl.
I'm so glad to celebrate again at Kelli's house. We'll have a fire and tell our stories. We'll remember her and we'll remember to laugh. Heck, I may even jump on the trampoline until my kidneys are empty (why oh why do I have to dump the bladder every time my feet leave the ground?) -- then Kyra will laugh at me and I won't mind. I will hear her and remember how their laughter would mingle and shake both us mommies to the core with joy.
Today's just a tiny bit more sacred knowing I can never get it back again.

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