Holy Holydays!

aaahhhh! So glad the craziness of Xmas is over... and yet, any kind of ending makes me sad...

just about anything can make me sad at this point, though, so it's not to be taken terribly seriously, which is sad in itself...
I'm bleeding, so I'm prone to crying...
My kid died, so I'm prone to crying...
I carry XX, so I'm prone to crying...
I'm all the fuck alone, I'm SO prone to crying...
I need sleep, so I'm prone to crying...
...gonna go work on that one, it seems to be the only one on the list fixable

Nani's Cloud

Get your cloud here

So as to be less disruptive to others...

Gemini - 12/23/06 - You can talk about intense issues now in a way that others won't find threatening. Nevertheless, you might not know when to quit and could push your opinions too vehemently. It's fortunate that your charm is working so well now, for you just might need it to smooth over the feathers you could inadvertently ruffle. Calming your own anxiety first can help you be less disruptive to everyone else.

Merry Winter!

It's the first full day of Winter. Another new season. The Wheel keeps turning. At promptly 6:22 pm, I welcomed the returning Sun with a Chas'-new-house full o'people in Vermilion by lighting a candle in my Solstice Angel holder. We got her last year and I'm so glad to continue the ritual with her and my real-life angel. I brought tall glass vigil candles, which we decorated individually for our ritual. Food was great, company was amazing! Hayden made immediate friends with Owen, whom we will be returning to Vermilion to spend more time with!! We created circle with my favorite invocation ;), we went round the circle and welcomed others into our circle with us in Spirit. We took turns lighting our candles from the Source we lit at the moment of Winter's onset. We then spoke of where our Light will cast out shadows in the coming year.
There were countless 'round the kitchen counter and out on the deck and in the garage wisdom sharing and witty conversation. Enlightenment was the theme ::g::
This morning we had breakfast with Chas and Colette (we rode down with Colette's cousin, Karla), then coffee downtown so the boys could meet up for a little bit before the holiday craziness.
We had the ladies soup/gift exchange party tonight. It was much more fun than I imagined. We had Dee, Darla, Donna, Bunnie, Me, DeAnna, Linda, Kelly, Emma, Trisha, Suzy and Karna in it this year, and I've gotta admit the gift caliber was not as sucky as previous years may have been ;) My parents will celebrate their 39th anniversary tomorrow (not so bad for a one night stand!) at the family's Christmas gathering; then more Kraziness at Karna's -- Will be a fun-filled somethin or other!! :)

continuing my courage...

Strength

May courage be your ally.

Deck: Cagliostro

More about this card

My Daily Tarot Reading

card art © US Games

What has traditionally been known as the Strength card represents Nature which, however wild in its primal form, is tamed by our subtler, finer (feminine, interior) self. The will and passion of our instinctive nature does not need to be broken, but refined and brought to consciousness -- so that all levels of Creation, inner and outer, may come into harmony.

The feminine soul-force contains a persuasive power that can nurture and induce cooperation from others, stilling disruptive energies by harmonizing differences in the spirit of collective good will.

Mimi and me

My mother in law called last night. I think it's the first time we've spoken since Hayden's birthday. Strange how it's always great to talk to her, to reconnect; and yet, when we don't speak, this bizarre fear settles into that empty space, allowing longer and longer times without communication. We had a long talk about what's been going on in her life and her family (happy to report some family members have regained their senses and communication is at least occurring). We commiserated about Xmas and how hard it is to get the Spirit (the gumption ::g::) this year. I told her of our Oregon vacation and Mitch's Death Day celebration... the little things I've managed to accomplish for the holidays this year...
Gramma Baby's sick. Like this is it kinda sick. The steady downhill run towards Heaven. Towards the great big party awaiting their Guest of Honor.
Her Parkinson's is getting worse. She's using a walker to get around. Bob and Armida are still joyfilled at the honor of caring for her. They have help come in a few hours a day, with *visitors* who come when they need to be away in the evening. She's still Gran. She's still full of Love; though the Life may be draining.
She'll be 89 in February... one of the most evolved humans I've ever met. Her heart is open and free and big enough to crawl inside and feel safe. For a woman who started her wife/mother career at the same age I began my periods, she is seriously unjaded, no cynicism lives in her. She's a puff-ball capped cave of Wisdom. (her hair is as soft as it looks, like a Q-tip, none of that wiry grey stuff, it's a white cloud hovering around her crown chakra ::g::) I like to say she's still collecting her marbles, hasn't lost a one and still knows where they're all located!

Of all the people in Mitch's family, I love her the most. I think we all do. She's the shit. She's the context that makes this whole jumbled up congregation of relatives make sense. She loves us all. It's easy to love with her around.
I want to see her again. I want to have coffee and toast and cry and remember and laugh. I want her to tell me that it's all part of the plan and it will all work out. I want tortillas and carnitas. I want some chile. I wanna carry some of her Light in my heart, always.
We're going out the beginning of April, before the conference. Mimi's planning to retire near then, so she'll possibly be home full-time. 'twill be good for our hearts to drive the beautiful coast North to Oregon.

Sexy Santa

Check out this

The Secret - (a) for action

Yes, this movie will change your life... if you let it!
It's seeping in and yesterday I saw The Secret in action, right in my very own life.
I had an appointment with Santa yesterday afternoon and I needed to coordinate some company for Hayden. He was insistent in how he wanted things to go and it was in direct conflict with how Eli wanted things to go. I got all aarrgghh and tense and grumbly. As I was talking myself down, I bumped the curb right on that one spot where it pokes out a bit and punctured the sidewall. Yeah. I breathed deep and let it end there. Hayden and Eli worked it out, I got a ride to and from the Santa thing.
My mom picked me up and we went shopping. She offered to go in with me on a gift for Hayden, we decided on an MP3 player. As we're driving and deciding where to go... {side rant warning: she had already scoped out Wal-Mart and, well, I just couldn't do it, I couldn't use Wal-Mart.com for music subscription, even for three months (call me Frank Zappa)} I notice no one is turning left, so I say, Let's go the opposite direction of everyone else and go to Best Buy. It was crazy there, but still within diana toleration levels :) Mom asked me what I want for xmas and I told her I'd like her to buy the MP3 player as my gift and let me keep my cash for the rest of the month, and she agreed (for those who know DeLila, this is big breakthrough!!) and we got the boy a pretty cool one, with a 2 mo. subscription. We picked up a microwave for Gramma Bunnie; we found one with a built in toaster... it was too corny/effective to pass up. Mom grumbled a minute about going over the $120; I pointed out it was certainly $5 cool and what a great thing to do, lalalalalala; she breathed and found some joy in it. Enough joy that some spilled over to the check out line, where I picked up the $10 Muppets/John Denver Christmas CD and she bought it for me. We're having a great time, in line and whadayaknow she gets some crazy bonus of a $15 Best Buy gift card for herself!!! See!! Exactly the amount of her spontaneous generosity!
And just to round it off, Uncle Troy works at a tire place, with a mad supply of free tires. Since the tire popped in front of his house, it was no biggie to put the van in the garage and take the rim to work today and put another tire on it.
the secret is: Life is Good!

today's hmmmm

Diana's Horoscope:

It is too easy to focus solely on external circumstances, for there are important interactions taking place. If, however, you stay only in the outer realms, you may find yourself in an endless conversation that leads nowhere fast. If, on the other hand, you have the courage to look within yourself, you may be able to discover an important truth that can shed clarity on your current relationship issues.

Just take the hint, lady!

Processing, processing, processing... wanting all of this to come out in language appropriate and in line with my universal request *&* getting my kvetching out ;)
Loneliness is banished as is the darkness, with the sun's return.
*****
(read: I'm really fucking lonely and it really fucking sucks!)
I went three fucking years without sex. THREE YEARS!! Over the past four years, I've dated the coolest guys; intensely dynamic, amazing humans. Fun, story-inspiring, charming, entertaining men. In my life far too temporarily, even for my fickle Gemini self.
One had this great story about how is ex-girlfriend/business partner wouldn't appreciate our relationship. Another thinks I'm a heathen and he can't get past the Jesus factor and just have me and love every crazy minute of it. One's a drunk. One's too busy. I met one family with 2 kids; I met another with one. They're all scared. One was the best Valentine's Date ever. Vacation was fun with two of them. I got to have sex with a couple of 'em, though I've been naked with three. I had a lot of sex with one of them. Two got to meet Hannah. One got to know her. Three have taken care of her ashes. Movies were first dates with two. Only two I'm sad to see go. Two I'd be glad to see. All I'd be nice to when encountered in public.
I totally understand why (these) men would conjure me out of the universe ::g:: but when I appear, it's like some sick and twisted Weird Science thing where they don't know what to do with this creature they've conjured (and I'll admit it's been equally entertaining in some twisted way -- ah shit it's all because I watched this movie too often?? eek!!).
On some level, as diana, I get that --I rarely know what the hell I'm gonna do with me, either ::g:: -- but roll-the fuck-withit!! I'm somehow bumbling thru understanding it all. Honestly, they've all only got *me* in common so it's in *me* somewhere.
I wanna have a hissy and quit -- and I know that's not the message I want to send.
I'm really not done. I want to believe. I want to have faith.
I want to place my fucking order and get it filled, like really filled and not this half-way heart bullshit I seem to find every fucking where I am! WTF??
That was cathartic. It's nice to have that OUT and not in anymore.
Mission Accomplished. I'm going to bed now.
Rapid City was amazing and I shall blog forthwith- after sleep, that is :)

I'll be working on clarifying my order...