Mimi and me

My mother in law called last night. I think it's the first time we've spoken since Hayden's birthday. Strange how it's always great to talk to her, to reconnect; and yet, when we don't speak, this bizarre fear settles into that empty space, allowing longer and longer times without communication. We had a long talk about what's been going on in her life and her family (happy to report some family members have regained their senses and communication is at least occurring). We commiserated about Xmas and how hard it is to get the Spirit (the gumption ::g::) this year. I told her of our Oregon vacation and Mitch's Death Day celebration... the little things I've managed to accomplish for the holidays this year...
Gramma Baby's sick. Like this is it kinda sick. The steady downhill run towards Heaven. Towards the great big party awaiting their Guest of Honor.
Her Parkinson's is getting worse. She's using a walker to get around. Bob and Armida are still joyfilled at the honor of caring for her. They have help come in a few hours a day, with *visitors* who come when they need to be away in the evening. She's still Gran. She's still full of Love; though the Life may be draining.
She'll be 89 in February... one of the most evolved humans I've ever met. Her heart is open and free and big enough to crawl inside and feel safe. For a woman who started her wife/mother career at the same age I began my periods, she is seriously unjaded, no cynicism lives in her. She's a puff-ball capped cave of Wisdom. (her hair is as soft as it looks, like a Q-tip, none of that wiry grey stuff, it's a white cloud hovering around her crown chakra ::g::) I like to say she's still collecting her marbles, hasn't lost a one and still knows where they're all located!

Of all the people in Mitch's family, I love her the most. I think we all do. She's the shit. She's the context that makes this whole jumbled up congregation of relatives make sense. She loves us all. It's easy to love with her around.
I want to see her again. I want to have coffee and toast and cry and remember and laugh. I want her to tell me that it's all part of the plan and it will all work out. I want tortillas and carnitas. I want some chile. I wanna carry some of her Light in my heart, always.
We're going out the beginning of April, before the conference. Mimi's planning to retire near then, so she'll possibly be home full-time. 'twill be good for our hearts to drive the beautiful coast North to Oregon.

Sexy Santa

Check out this

The Secret - (a) for action

Yes, this movie will change your life... if you let it!
It's seeping in and yesterday I saw The Secret in action, right in my very own life.
I had an appointment with Santa yesterday afternoon and I needed to coordinate some company for Hayden. He was insistent in how he wanted things to go and it was in direct conflict with how Eli wanted things to go. I got all aarrgghh and tense and grumbly. As I was talking myself down, I bumped the curb right on that one spot where it pokes out a bit and punctured the sidewall. Yeah. I breathed deep and let it end there. Hayden and Eli worked it out, I got a ride to and from the Santa thing.
My mom picked me up and we went shopping. She offered to go in with me on a gift for Hayden, we decided on an MP3 player. As we're driving and deciding where to go... {side rant warning: she had already scoped out Wal-Mart and, well, I just couldn't do it, I couldn't use Wal-Mart.com for music subscription, even for three months (call me Frank Zappa)} I notice no one is turning left, so I say, Let's go the opposite direction of everyone else and go to Best Buy. It was crazy there, but still within diana toleration levels :) Mom asked me what I want for xmas and I told her I'd like her to buy the MP3 player as my gift and let me keep my cash for the rest of the month, and she agreed (for those who know DeLila, this is big breakthrough!!) and we got the boy a pretty cool one, with a 2 mo. subscription. We picked up a microwave for Gramma Bunnie; we found one with a built in toaster... it was too corny/effective to pass up. Mom grumbled a minute about going over the $120; I pointed out it was certainly $5 cool and what a great thing to do, lalalalalala; she breathed and found some joy in it. Enough joy that some spilled over to the check out line, where I picked up the $10 Muppets/John Denver Christmas CD and she bought it for me. We're having a great time, in line and whadayaknow she gets some crazy bonus of a $15 Best Buy gift card for herself!!! See!! Exactly the amount of her spontaneous generosity!
And just to round it off, Uncle Troy works at a tire place, with a mad supply of free tires. Since the tire popped in front of his house, it was no biggie to put the van in the garage and take the rim to work today and put another tire on it.
the secret is: Life is Good!

today's hmmmm

Diana's Horoscope:

It is too easy to focus solely on external circumstances, for there are important interactions taking place. If, however, you stay only in the outer realms, you may find yourself in an endless conversation that leads nowhere fast. If, on the other hand, you have the courage to look within yourself, you may be able to discover an important truth that can shed clarity on your current relationship issues.

Just take the hint, lady!

Processing, processing, processing... wanting all of this to come out in language appropriate and in line with my universal request *&* getting my kvetching out ;)
Loneliness is banished as is the darkness, with the sun's return.
*****
(read: I'm really fucking lonely and it really fucking sucks!)
I went three fucking years without sex. THREE YEARS!! Over the past four years, I've dated the coolest guys; intensely dynamic, amazing humans. Fun, story-inspiring, charming, entertaining men. In my life far too temporarily, even for my fickle Gemini self.
One had this great story about how is ex-girlfriend/business partner wouldn't appreciate our relationship. Another thinks I'm a heathen and he can't get past the Jesus factor and just have me and love every crazy minute of it. One's a drunk. One's too busy. I met one family with 2 kids; I met another with one. They're all scared. One was the best Valentine's Date ever. Vacation was fun with two of them. I got to have sex with a couple of 'em, though I've been naked with three. I had a lot of sex with one of them. Two got to meet Hannah. One got to know her. Three have taken care of her ashes. Movies were first dates with two. Only two I'm sad to see go. Two I'd be glad to see. All I'd be nice to when encountered in public.
I totally understand why (these) men would conjure me out of the universe ::g:: but when I appear, it's like some sick and twisted Weird Science thing where they don't know what to do with this creature they've conjured (and I'll admit it's been equally entertaining in some twisted way -- ah shit it's all because I watched this movie too often?? eek!!).
On some level, as diana, I get that --I rarely know what the hell I'm gonna do with me, either ::g:: -- but roll-the fuck-withit!! I'm somehow bumbling thru understanding it all. Honestly, they've all only got *me* in common so it's in *me* somewhere.
I wanna have a hissy and quit -- and I know that's not the message I want to send.
I'm really not done. I want to believe. I want to have faith.
I want to place my fucking order and get it filled, like really filled and not this half-way heart bullshit I seem to find every fucking where I am! WTF??
That was cathartic. It's nice to have that OUT and not in anymore.
Mission Accomplished. I'm going to bed now.
Rapid City was amazing and I shall blog forthwith- after sleep, that is :)

I'll be working on clarifying my order...

Last Night's Memorial Service

I went to dinner before the service with Hayden, Eli and Aunt Donna at Cracker Barrell; I fortified myself with mashed potatoes and razzles! (first they're candy...)
I hesitate to review the service... let's see if I get on a roll...
I got a really cool, big brass bell to ring on Solstice. We got a smaller on at the service when Mitch died, the kids rang it anytime they wanted his full and present Spiritul attention.
It was somehow comforting to be in a room filled with sad people, knowing I'm/we're not alone.
Hayden remembered the space from Hannah's Fat Tuesday Feast; I didn't see him but for a quick minute in the middle of the service (He walked down when her name was called, to collect our family's bell) then he was gone again. I had a bit of snacky-goodness and looked at all the other sad folk. Not one of us is sure how to be, not even with each other, the collected sad mass. There wasn't any laughter, no cheering up, no joy of the sugar rush, no shared tales... sadness and goodies. We didn't stay long. The peanut brittle was good, though.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

I think this is why I'm called into the topic of Death. There are 347 ways last night could have been better and I have the energy to talk about at least one or 12. Actually, instead, I would throw out the entire template for last night and do something comforting and uplifting. Ah, okay, maybe it is comforting to have the traditional church service platform... I'll figure that in...
First, just because it's Christmastime in the Christian Tradition, it's unfair to assume that all who mourn at this time of year are Christian. This time of year is powerful on many levels and to many faiths, many paths, much wisdom, and many stories of inspiration. The Jewish tale of the Macabees and the 8 days of oil -- what faith!! What great role models for the mourning... it's okay to mention them in a xian church, He heard the story every year of his Jewish life at Hannukah. Even a story of Light Renewal, solstice and survival of the Longest Night and the Return of the Sun to the world. whew....
Okay, so open with the story of Lazarus, at least. Give us SAD Jesus, for his own sake and ours!! Let us share tears with the Messiah, he lost his brother-in-law, he knows heartbreak. I'll even sit through comparisons of resurrections and heaven, just to share some godbless-ed grief! [I gotta say, the opening words of empathy for the mustering of joy at this most joyous time of year, then having the first hymn be "Joy to the World"?? I question your forethought!]
My first song would be, "Mary did you know?" (cause I think Jesus is a great role model for accepting what happens in life and I think this is an anthem each new mother should ponder for her very own child and each grownup should think about their own lives and the purpose thereof and remember we all started out as babies who's mommies had no clue of our future and cause Mary was a really sad mommy when her kid died, too... Imagine her first xmas without her baby) Throw in a few more sad people from the bible if need be. Even talk about those women who took care of his body upon his death.
But then talk about his/our freedom from death. That the ultimate enlightenment awaits us (no, not if we believe, because we ARE) on the other side of the veil. Sing then Lord of the Dance
Dance, then, wherever you may be;
I am the Lord of the Dance, said he.
And I’ll lead you all wherever you may be,
And I’ll lead you all in the dance, said he.
I like the whole Life as a Dance metaphor; I also like the idea of Jesus as some kind of afterworld tourguide, leadin' ya round... the song is very "Namaste" in it's final verse, my favorite:
They cut me down and I leapt up high,
I am the life that’ll never, never die;
I’ll live in you if you’ll live in me;
I am the Lord of the Dance, said he.
Your job ain't done just cause you're dead :::bg:::
Be the Lord of Your Dance.
Alright, crying too much over that song, I guess that's where I'd have to end the service.
>ETA: I really would have to end with Spirit of Life, something life affirming and uplifting.
Spirit of life come unto me. Sing in my heart all the stirrings of compassion. Blow in the wind; rise in the sea. Move in the hand giving life the shape of justice. Roots hold me close; Wings set me free. Spirit of Life, come to me, come to me<
What about "Turn, turn, turn" Seems appropriate and church worthy!
I would have a big display in the snacky room where photographs could be displayed and candles lit.
The peanut brittle was good though. I'd keep the peanut brittle lady.

ho, ho, HO!

Get Your Own! | More Flash Toys

Get Your Own! | More Flash Toys

AP Television

As I came out of the post office today, a camera man asked if I would speak to the Tim Johnson situation. Thank the stars I have the news on my Google home page!! I had just read about Tim's mystery illness, though nothing today... eek! So I agreed and I spoke to how hard this must be at this time of year for his family and I hope they are able to have the support they need for their new situation. He asked me about Mike Rounds replacing Tim, should he be incapable of returning to work. I told him I'd sure like to see Tom Daschle back in Washington again! hee hee hee

what are you saying?

Gemini: You can usually deal with unexpected changes in your schedule, yet today might test your willingness to roll with the punches. Perhaps you are pulled off course by friends who have fewer responsibilities than you at this time. Playful activities with children might sound like more fun than what you need to do. Whatever distracts you now, make sure that you don't lose the healthy balance in your life.

Let us live gladly! Quite certainly we are free to do it. Perhaps it is our only freedom, but ours it is, and it is only phenomenally a freedom. 'Living free' is being 'as one is'. Can we not do it now? Indeed can we not-do-it? It is not even a 'doing': it is beyond doing and not-doing. It is being as-we-are. This is the only 'practice'. 'All Else is Bondage; Non-Volitional Living' - Wei Wu Wei

Courageous Thursday

courageous

adjective possessing or displaying courage; able to face and deal with danger or fear without flinching; "Familiarity with danger makes a brave man braver but less daring"- Herman Melville; "a frank courageous heart...triumphed over pain"- William Wordsworth; "set a courageous example by leading them safely into and out of enemy-held territory" [syn: brave] [ant: cowardly]

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Well-fortified with a Karen Coffee (big ol' Carmel Breve today! catch a glimpse in the picture!) from Black Sheep & some dark chocolate covered coffee beans (I'm sprung!!), I decided to head over to Hannah's Bench to finally take some pictures. (more pix & a video on the bodhicitta blog)

IN LOVING MEMORY OF

HANNAH LEA JENNER

All Souls Church

Unitarian Universalist

I once had Hannah's bracelet wrapped around the urn's neck... it broke (I've saved the beads for future art work ::g::) and I replaced it with this beautiful goddess hemp wrap. The hemp and most of the blue beads were from a kit I bought for Hannah last summer at the Sidewalk Arts Festival (she has my green beaded one on in our family pictures from last November), which we never got around to doing together. While we were in Corvallis, Hayden found Goddess Nirvana at the downtown bead store!! We bought lots and lots of little goddesses... and couldn't part with many! I've got the most of our stash wrapped around my baby girl. Ultimate sisterhood, I was surrounded by the most amazing female energy while I made it and blessed it and wrapped it; I am reminded each time I see it. Thank you to the women who were with me in body: Mary, Qacei, Donna, Madelyn, Mercedes, Joni & the multitude of other Corvallis Sprites I encountered and to the whole of you who are with me always in Spirit. Today's a good day. I'm ready for some bell ringin, some carol singin, some big ol snot rollin tear sheddin and some Big Christmas Hope Buildin!! I'm still diana. Danggummit, I am. I'm gonna laugh today, I'm glad to be alive. I can feel the good stuff!