I didn't know...

...you can change the name of your blog whenever the heck you feel like it... I like mine, it's me, but it was cool to change Hannah's. I don't need to say those long icky words any more and it feels better not to :)
...just as soon as you empty your "journey" bagua, your subconcious safety patrol clutters it right back up again. Those stairs are just so handy for those things you need to eventually return to the great upstairs or next trip to so-&-so's. They're just like having a shoe closet :) others may call it a hazard ??
...how easy it is to procrastinate with so many blogs tempting me to remain distracted.
...how hard it really is to observe myself and not judge.
...that I really don't want to look myself in the eye for 30 seconds to feel compassion for myself, not yet anyway. I woulda guessed I'd be up for it, but I'm not. Surprise.
...you could forget loneliness, then remember it really hard. It sucks. Like a tornado.
...that I'm *this* tough. I imagine there's a whole lot more about me that I don't yet know. If past be a basis, I'd imagine there's a whole lot more about me I'm gonna be learning 'bout.

Floated to the top of the heap...

~From a card received soon after Hannah's death... a nice reminder on any day!~

Diana,
So this is "what the universe had in store for us"... well, FUCK the Universe!
Hold on tight girl. You are the one who could negotiate this with strength, grace & humor.
You. the one...
a rockin mama.
I Love, Love, Love You!

~enclosed: a picture of me and the author, shining our unschooling smiles at the St. Louis Arch~

Hands down my favorite note...

It's so true, there is nothing handed to any one of us that we're not equipped to handle, we can choose to negotiate what this is with the strengh, grace & humor due our True Selves. Opening our eyes to our own amazing abilities is our human weakness and failing... or is it flailing? ::g:: Me. You. Us. We got what it takes. Always.

Friday with Di

Horoscope for: Friday, July 14, 2006

Diana,You've been feeling more serious about relationships these days and a situation can become so intense that you might seek respite by losing yourself to your work. You might even find yourself taking on additional tasks just so you don't have to face your emotions. Distractions, no matter how productive, will not make the more essential issues in your life go away. Escape isn't your answer. Gentle confrontation will achieve better results.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Gentle confrontation while getting something accomplished is even better...
I had a great talk with Susan this morning, a great meeting of the souls, a recognition of what is right in our world and how the *wrongs* seem right and appropriate with perspective...
I've been neglectful, really, truly, worse than ever, ever in my life, of my living space... ooooh it's so much easier to ignore it or avoid it by leaving and staying gone... the Truth of the matter is that confrontation of my fears, or whatever other bullshit is stopping me, is the only path through whatever it Is... Dealing with Hannah's presence or lackthereof is the only way it will get dealt with; I am the only one capable of dealing with what it is *I* need to deal with... I want a space to reflect *me* the Whole of Me, not just the crazy, sad, chaotic part (though there's space for that to be reflected, as well). So I've picked up the clutter of my entry, I'm not really on the computer right now ::g:: I'm on my way through to pick up a hammer and nails to hang more pictures for the Journey Bagua of my home... I'll play roulette to decide which spot is next ::bg::
It comes together, even momentarily and the respite is welcome, the peace is blissful, and the adventure is unforgettable!

Horoscope for: Thursday, July 13, 2006

Diana,

There is still an undertow of deep emotional issues that have not fully come to the surface, but your life is undoubtedly on the move. Don't be afraid to make long-term plans now, but make sure to ask friends and associates for assistance. This is a great time for you to utilize your support network, from casual acquaintances to those closest to you. You can work with powerful allies without necessarily giving up your own strength.

today's message...

There are moments when one feels free from
one's own identification with human limitations and inadequacies.
At such moments one imagines that
one stands on some spot of a small planet,

gazing in amazement at the cold yet

profoundly moving beauty of the eternal,
the unfathomable;
life and death flow into one,
and there is neither evolution nor destiny;
only Being.

- Albert Einstein

How blessed am I?

Infinitely Blessed, that's what I am... I feel totally alive, on fire, okay maybe I'm just a bit manic, but my it's my very favorite part of being bi-polar, a.k.a. human :::vbeg:::

I'm enjoying the clear view of my own life I have at this moment; the difference between Observer v Judge is exactly like wide screen v full screen: it's the same show, but not. The farther along the chakra path your energy, the wider the screen becomes; hence, the Big Picture. The Observer's ideal viewing is from the Crown... My Observer's just happy to be out of my ass!!
I've got some amazing developments in my little world... Once again, the shifting and flowing of energy, the comings and goings of important lessons, gifts of love and loss. I have received love when at my most unloveable, I've done my best to love those feeling unloved. I am awash with happiness and peace. I am practicing what it is I want to be great at... being Hayden's mindful mommy, being diana's faithful lover & loyal companion, dreaming the big dreams, laughing, loving, thanking, rejoycing and LIVING and BEing... and all the while drinking fair trade organic coffee ::g::

signs, signs, everywhere signs...

~The Reading~ A work in progress...
Meditation: My Family's future...

Present: 10 of Pentacles
Prosperity, Security, Safety, Family, Family Matters, Ancestry, Inheritence, Home, Dwelling
~admonition to share your wealth~
-=1. Everything is present -- child, adult, old man ... humans, animals ... culture and civilization ... home and far away ..... The picture is complete, but unconnected -- you provide the connection. =-


Immediate Influence: Page of Pentacles
Deep Concentration & Application, Study, Scholarship, Reflection, Respect for Knowledge, Desire for Learning & New Ideas, Do-gooder, Bearer of News
~industrious child~
-=2. A child of the earth. Ashes and diamonds are made up of the same combination of chemicals (carbon), and in this sense, they are identical. But the different pressures they were exposed to in the earth brought about different results. The same is true for your manifestation, and your family's. The stress of this time will help develop new skills, and others will necessarily lose their importance. =-


Goal/Destiny: Page of Swords
Vigilance, Agility, Spying/Discreet person, Active Youth, Person adept and Perceiving, Discerning & uncovering the Unknown or that less Obvious, Quality of Insight
~temperamental Brat~
-=3. The page carries a child's energy -- the sword represents the adventure of the mind. Let yourself be inspired by the one mind that is present everywhere. =-


Distant Past/Foundation: Knight of Rods
Departure, A Journey, Advancement into the Unknown, Aliteration, Flight, Absence, Change of Residence
-=4. This card is the energy and action of fire, intuition, paired with the quick-witted knight. You act before you know the why, and that's as it needs to be. Unused energies turn into dead weight that only tires you and makes things more difficult. The fire uses and renews every ounce of energy that you can bring to the task. =-


Recent Past Events: Ace of Pentacles
Perfection, Attainment, Prosperity, Felicity, Great wealth, Riches, Bliss, Ecstacy, Gold, Valueable Coins or Artifacts, Treasures, Combination of material/spritual prosperity
~Bonanza, birth of a dark haired child~
-=5. This card is all the possibilities of manifestation -- the tension between the spiritual and the material, between savage and humane, between dream and reality. It represents a time of re-evaluating the meaning of your existence -- what you have to offer the world and what the world has to offer you. =-


Future Influence: XIV Temperence
Moderation, Temperence, Patience, Accomplishment through Self Control & Frugality, Accomodation, Harmony, Mixing/Bringing together into Perfect Union, Management, Compatibility, Fusion, Adjustment, Good Influence, Fortunate Omen, Consolidation, Successful Combination
~grabbin the gold and shaking the shit off; finding the balance, the perfect mixture~
-=Taking the coarse materials and letting yourself be the vessel in which they are transformed into true and precious gold. This card reminds me to hold the tension, to feel it, to breathe it in, and then to release it. =-


The Questioner: 10 of Rods
Excessive pressure, Problems resolved, Striving to meet Goals or maintain Certain Level, Powers used Selfishly?
~woe caused by malicious people who lie for the devilment of it~
-=Totally focused. With this bundle of energy, it takes complete focus to move the bundle forward. You are giving this task your undivided attention in order to understand the cosmic logic involved. =-


Environmental Factors: 9 of Swords
Misery, Concern, Unhappiness, Anxiety over Loved One, worry, Dispair, Suffering
--A sleepless woman sits bowed in despair, oppressed by 9 Swords--
*Comprehend the incomprehensible*
~confess recent acts of anger~
-=Yes, there is an aspect of nightmare and despair to this card -- but it also indicates that you are grasping the consequences and meanings of your thoughts, a connection that will allow you to go beyond knee-jerk reactions to a true heart/mind connection. =-


Inner Emotions: Knight of Pentacles
Mature & Responsible Person, Reliable, Methodical, Patient, Persistent, Ability to Conclude Tasks, Laborious, Organized, Capable, Dependable Person
~young person hoarding money~
-=This card allows you the freedom to stop sweeping your blunders and the mess of reality under the rug, to let these things fertilize the field of your life, the garden of your experience. In agrarian days, horses went to a lot of work to cart their own manure to the fields, so it could feed plants that gave our ancestors wine and bread. In the same way, we often make our messes in private -- our shortcomings that we can't ignore, overcome, or put aside -- but we can bring them out into the light and see what will grow. =-


Final Result: Queen of Pentacles
Prosperity & Well-Being, Wealth, Abundance, Luxury, Opulence, Extreme Comfort, Generosity, Security, Liberty, Magnificence, Grace, Dignity, Rich, Generous & Charitable, Noble Soul
-=So many Pentacles in this reading -- so much about the connection to reality, about paying attention to reality, even questioning the definition of reality. The queen in particular is the connection of soul and matter, the "brass tacks work" of dealing with the difficulties in life and death. So much of what you said on the phone is in her -- Cultivating what you cherish the most. Knowing that each human being is a unique product of nature -- loving that which is alive in you and in the people around you. Manifestation will take on the many facets of the soul, and it won't always make sense, but the queen does her job simply by staying connected and present, holding onto her shield/pentacle/earth with tears in her eyes.=-

Blessing moon

What an amazing night... What an amazing last few days... I'm overwhelmed and refreshed as, thankfully, once again, my head has sought freedom from deep within my ass... I made a totally cool new friend, I lost a really cool kinda new boyfriend, I've had a couple of great, amazing days with my son, I've shed tears for myself, yelled at myself, resolved to be far more kind and gentle with myself, I read my cards, I listened to new music, I surrounded myself with love and light and peace and kindness (and a toasted almond fudge icecream cone) and immense gratitude for the millions of tiny blessings that make up my gigantically huge joyful life! Thank you, thank you, thank you & Yes, yes, yes!!! ::::dancing::::

Karaoke for the Deaf

http://www.extremefunnypictures.com/funnypic1040.htm#taffer

hee hee hee, I hope you pee, pee, pee!!

Patches...

My old fat fat fat kitty...
She's just not been the same without Hannah (know how she feels!). She's been far more needy than usual and more vocal, too, like she was with Mitch -- though I didn't really notice she got quiet, since I wasn't the one she talked to. Her walking has looked painful for the last 6 months and she got an unusually large *crazy spot* in front of her tail (bigger and more reactive than before and than in other cats) that makes her twitch all funny (Jeremy thought it was amusing until she peed all over him while he touched her there)... of course, being so fat and non-dexterious, she's not been keeping herself very clean. She has just started wanting to go outside again (she was outside her first three years in CA), not wandering more than a few feet from the door and coming in after only a few hours.
Since we returned from Bemidji, we notice she's lost a lot of weight (probably not noticeable to others), she able to move much more easily and her *crazy spot* is completely bald; the skin looks fine and not irritated, just bald. She is refusing to come into the house, prefering to hang out by the door and chase away the neighbor's cat (aarrgghh! I hate, hate, hate that f*ckin' cat!), her fur is much cleaner... but she's not eating or drinking fresh water.
Is this what cats do when they're preparing to die?? She's pretty ding, dang old and I'm as prepared as I can be with her death, but I don't look forward to yet another loss, but I do look forward to her joining Mitch and Hannah and Cheba-kittty and Chi-Chi-dog...