dissident

You do not become a 'dissident' just because you decide one day to take up
this most unusual career. You are thrown into it by your personal sense of
responsibility, combined with a complex set of external circumstances. You
are cast out of the existing structures and placed in a position of conflict
with them. It begins as an attempt to do your work well, and ends with being
branded an enemy of society. [Václav Havel]

The Big Cusp

Change ain't a'comin, it's here, there's fire under my ass, spinning thru my head, and itchin my feet...
What's a girl to do?
And as I type that, the far-too-often-right voice in my head says: Meditate, ponder, open
Well, duh!
I should be keeping notes, the pros and cons.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

I am listening... I hear: let go of the past to make room for the future... I think: the amount of past I'm hanging on to is overwhelming to confront... I know: to confront my fears is to make them powerless...
I am listening... I hear: let go of the past to make room for the future... I think: to let go means to forget... I know: I never will...
I am listening... I hear: let go of the past and make room for the future... I think: Emptiness is frightening and lonely... I know: there is only wholeness awaiting me...

I am listening... I hear: let go of the past and make room for the future... I think: I am capable of manefesting great things in my life... I know: I will...

Kids *my Rant & my Update*

Ick, I'm just feeling ick - about kids and how too many people are just shitty to kids. In small ways, in big but socially-accepted ways, their love for themselves diminishes right before our eyes. Ick.

Then there's the case of my sister's kids...
Mac & Ty have happily been living with their two brothers and new parents. It's not been without complications... The kids were uninsured (the Medicaid lapsed), Linda was not interested in returning to SD to file the necessary paperwork, and they couldn't be insured by D&S without custody papers. As the placement was voluntary (which was nice while it lasted...) the state was of no help to the family, neither in the insurance mess nor the furthering of custody processing. So, they need to become part of the dreaded "System" a necessary evil, they tell me.
~The kids turned over to DSS as abandoned, a police report filed and the kids placed in emergency foster care. [in this case they went to the battered women's shelter, as they felt the stay would be brief].
~Medicaid will immediately begin effect and retroactive for 90 days.
~The kids will be returned home as an interstate emergency foster care placement. Lots of extra paperwork, but BTDT with the boys, and there seems to be lots of help within the "System" itself. [turns out there was even *more* paperwork, as some schtuff had expired. So the kids ended up moving to an actual foster home, with their family able to visit regularly].
The kids went home a couple of weeks ago, it's officially an "extended visitation" as the red tape is untangled, but it's a visitation where the state knows a Placement should be. Linda's not gonna do anything the easy way, she'd manipulate this situation for years if we let her... It's nice the decision was taken out of her hands.

There's ick there, but it's not as bad an ick as the alternative ick, so does it even still count?

Con Mucho Gusto

As I walked into the grocery store today, a woman-who-was-just-leaving came up to me, telling me how she was compelled to speak to me after seeing me three times in the past two days. At McKennan Park yesterday, riding my bike today, then at Hy-Vee. Her name is Angela, next time we'll stop and talk.

meet me in canada

I owe you an apology... In the last 24 hours, I have discovered what Bodhicitta means between us. I demand, I do, I know, that I be met as who I am exactly where I am, with little [no] regard for your place on your journey. Know now that I am aware, we're not in the same place at the same time very often. When we are, well, that's how our hearts got tangled up in this mess in the first place. I will honor the emptiness caused by your absence and not fill it with resentment. I will also honor the part of me reserved for my great love [a part of me that indeed sings loudly in your presence] by not closing myself off to the possibilities yet in store for me. I have known great love and I have great love to share.
10 minutes is infinitely better than never.
I love you.

It's much better to be happy than right!!

That's my wisdom today.

I was plagued with bad dreams last night, of asking David to lunch and his "no" -- I practiced responses, my mind settled on, "is that a no, but I hope she's still patient -or- is it a no, I hope she gives up soon?" I didn't get to his response, I know I'm terrified he's just gonna run for it.
This morning I woke up and called him, fully prepared, and he didn't answer. So I sat myself down and enjoyed (ha!) being right and utterly miserable... Then Chas called, from Vermillion!!!! In an hour she would be in Sioux Falls, let's meet for sushi <VBG> As I delve into my happy dance, David calls! He's in the mood for Indian, but agrees to pick me up to meet Chas for sushi (not only did he show up, but a good sport, too!). I'm totally flailing around, doing the now incredibly happy dance!
Oh man! What a great day, good food, good company - and an incredible opportunity to be HAPPY.

I -heart- Jesus

I was getting a healing massage the other day... As I was crying and the woman said "Give it to Jesus" -- My mind immediately flashed to Family Guy, there's the cartoon Jesus just hanging out on his couch when the doorbell rings and he answers to the UPS guy, "a package from diana" ... "aaaawwww shit! Not another one!"

Diana VS Fear

I'd never seen fear like I did on his face, the other day in Taco John's. Death is a scary thing; Death has brought us together before. I can no longer be at the whim of my fears, I have found the courage to open myself to life, to remaining alive and feeling and growing. Yes, loss is painful; it is a scary, sad thing to think of what might have been... then, there is the realization of what Is Now and what is to be learned. Scary, but less scary than exciting; more joy than sadness. To have, to love, to share, to show, to Be in the moment creates more joy than any loss can ever take away. Be open to the miracle, it will come...

The evolution of David

Friday night, a dinner was planned at Spezia's in honor of Hannah's life with a whole mass of people. I received a message from David, who had obviously heard the news, offering to be with me, hold me, hold my hand, whatever I need... I called and asked him to meet me at the restaurant. He held my hand, held me and was there for me. I slept in his bed, with him in it, to great soulful comfort for 6 nights... we talked until the wee hours of every morning about everything including the tough, emotional "us" stuff. He showed incredible love for me, protecting me from the icky mojo of others, reminding me of my manners, accompanying me to funeral business, helping design the program, hosting company at his house, continuing his snide, under-the-breath comments to make me giggle, allowing me to snuggle and drool on his shoulder every night. His newfound courage is a gift from Hannah - he's still scared, hell I'm a scary girl - he's on his way to being braver than he ever imagined. He certainly didn't call me to date again, but being together is exactly what we both needed without knowing it... I guess it doesn't matter how it happened, just that it has. I love him and he loves me. He knows he has to work hard to regain my son's trust and he's up to the task. 10 minutes in love is still better than never at all.

I hope he's not busy rebuilding those walls while I'm recouping in the forest...

Holy horoscopes batman!

Your Tuesday Horoscope diana!
Today is good for giving your time, instead of just your money, to a volunteer effort. A close friend or acquaintance who wants to join you is the person you must consider for long-term relationship prospects.

Your Wednesday Horoscope diana!
Partnership bliss is on its way. An emotional agreement binds you two closer together. Focus on the future. A challenge to see things eye to eye applies only to the big picture, not the details.

Your Thursday Horoscope diana!
Passion reaches the depth of your feelings today. Look for a great exchange with a partner or close companion. If you are single, avoid any superficial interactions and connect on a deeper level with those who will listen.

Your Friday Horoscope diana!
More passion is yours for the taking, as someone admires you to the point of wanting to take care of you. Organize your day around a deadline; one is coming that needs great attention.

Your Monday Horoscope diana!
Partnership issues highlight your feelings of security within group situations. Look to salvage what is left of the relationship by focusing on boundaries. Blunt and to the point should be your chosen style.