The Big Cusp

Change ain't a'comin, it's here, there's fire under my ass, spinning thru my head, and itchin my feet...
What's a girl to do?
And as I type that, the far-too-often-right voice in my head says: Meditate, ponder, open
Well, duh!
I should be keeping notes, the pros and cons.
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I am listening... I hear: let go of the past to make room for the future... I think: the amount of past I'm hanging on to is overwhelming to confront... I know: to confront my fears is to make them powerless...
I am listening... I hear: let go of the past to make room for the future... I think: to let go means to forget... I know: I never will...
I am listening... I hear: let go of the past and make room for the future... I think: Emptiness is frightening and lonely... I know: there is only wholeness awaiting me...

I am listening... I hear: let go of the past and make room for the future... I think: I am capable of manefesting great things in my life... I know: I will...

Kids *my Rant & my Update*

Ick, I'm just feeling ick - about kids and how too many people are just shitty to kids. In small ways, in big but socially-accepted ways, their love for themselves diminishes right before our eyes. Ick.

Then there's the case of my sister's kids...
Mac & Ty have happily been living with their two brothers and new parents. It's not been without complications... The kids were uninsured (the Medicaid lapsed), Linda was not interested in returning to SD to file the necessary paperwork, and they couldn't be insured by D&S without custody papers. As the placement was voluntary (which was nice while it lasted...) the state was of no help to the family, neither in the insurance mess nor the furthering of custody processing. So, they need to become part of the dreaded "System" a necessary evil, they tell me.
~The kids turned over to DSS as abandoned, a police report filed and the kids placed in emergency foster care. [in this case they went to the battered women's shelter, as they felt the stay would be brief].
~Medicaid will immediately begin effect and retroactive for 90 days.
~The kids will be returned home as an interstate emergency foster care placement. Lots of extra paperwork, but BTDT with the boys, and there seems to be lots of help within the "System" itself. [turns out there was even *more* paperwork, as some schtuff had expired. So the kids ended up moving to an actual foster home, with their family able to visit regularly].
The kids went home a couple of weeks ago, it's officially an "extended visitation" as the red tape is untangled, but it's a visitation where the state knows a Placement should be. Linda's not gonna do anything the easy way, she'd manipulate this situation for years if we let her... It's nice the decision was taken out of her hands.

There's ick there, but it's not as bad an ick as the alternative ick, so does it even still count?

Con Mucho Gusto

As I walked into the grocery store today, a woman-who-was-just-leaving came up to me, telling me how she was compelled to speak to me after seeing me three times in the past two days. At McKennan Park yesterday, riding my bike today, then at Hy-Vee. Her name is Angela, next time we'll stop and talk.

meet me in canada

I owe you an apology... In the last 24 hours, I have discovered what Bodhicitta means between us. I demand, I do, I know, that I be met as who I am exactly where I am, with little [no] regard for your place on your journey. Know now that I am aware, we're not in the same place at the same time very often. When we are, well, that's how our hearts got tangled up in this mess in the first place. I will honor the emptiness caused by your absence and not fill it with resentment. I will also honor the part of me reserved for my great love [a part of me that indeed sings loudly in your presence] by not closing myself off to the possibilities yet in store for me. I have known great love and I have great love to share.
10 minutes is infinitely better than never.
I love you.

It's much better to be happy than right!!

That's my wisdom today.

I was plagued with bad dreams last night, of asking David to lunch and his "no" -- I practiced responses, my mind settled on, "is that a no, but I hope she's still patient -or- is it a no, I hope she gives up soon?" I didn't get to his response, I know I'm terrified he's just gonna run for it.
This morning I woke up and called him, fully prepared, and he didn't answer. So I sat myself down and enjoyed (ha!) being right and utterly miserable... Then Chas called, from Vermillion!!!! In an hour she would be in Sioux Falls, let's meet for sushi <VBG> As I delve into my happy dance, David calls! He's in the mood for Indian, but agrees to pick me up to meet Chas for sushi (not only did he show up, but a good sport, too!). I'm totally flailing around, doing the now incredibly happy dance!
Oh man! What a great day, good food, good company - and an incredible opportunity to be HAPPY.

I -heart- Jesus

I was getting a healing massage the other day... As I was crying and the woman said "Give it to Jesus" -- My mind immediately flashed to Family Guy, there's the cartoon Jesus just hanging out on his couch when the doorbell rings and he answers to the UPS guy, "a package from diana" ... "aaaawwww shit! Not another one!"

Diana VS Fear

I'd never seen fear like I did on his face, the other day in Taco John's. Death is a scary thing; Death has brought us together before. I can no longer be at the whim of my fears, I have found the courage to open myself to life, to remaining alive and feeling and growing. Yes, loss is painful; it is a scary, sad thing to think of what might have been... then, there is the realization of what Is Now and what is to be learned. Scary, but less scary than exciting; more joy than sadness. To have, to love, to share, to show, to Be in the moment creates more joy than any loss can ever take away. Be open to the miracle, it will come...

The evolution of David

Friday night, a dinner was planned at Spezia's in honor of Hannah's life with a whole mass of people. I received a message from David, who had obviously heard the news, offering to be with me, hold me, hold my hand, whatever I need... I called and asked him to meet me at the restaurant. He held my hand, held me and was there for me. I slept in his bed, with him in it, to great soulful comfort for 6 nights... we talked until the wee hours of every morning about everything including the tough, emotional "us" stuff. He showed incredible love for me, protecting me from the icky mojo of others, reminding me of my manners, accompanying me to funeral business, helping design the program, hosting company at his house, continuing his snide, under-the-breath comments to make me giggle, allowing me to snuggle and drool on his shoulder every night. His newfound courage is a gift from Hannah - he's still scared, hell I'm a scary girl - he's on his way to being braver than he ever imagined. He certainly didn't call me to date again, but being together is exactly what we both needed without knowing it... I guess it doesn't matter how it happened, just that it has. I love him and he loves me. He knows he has to work hard to regain my son's trust and he's up to the task. 10 minutes in love is still better than never at all.

I hope he's not busy rebuilding those walls while I'm recouping in the forest...

Holy horoscopes batman!

Your Tuesday Horoscope diana!
Today is good for giving your time, instead of just your money, to a volunteer effort. A close friend or acquaintance who wants to join you is the person you must consider for long-term relationship prospects.

Your Wednesday Horoscope diana!
Partnership bliss is on its way. An emotional agreement binds you two closer together. Focus on the future. A challenge to see things eye to eye applies only to the big picture, not the details.

Your Thursday Horoscope diana!
Passion reaches the depth of your feelings today. Look for a great exchange with a partner or close companion. If you are single, avoid any superficial interactions and connect on a deeper level with those who will listen.

Your Friday Horoscope diana!
More passion is yours for the taking, as someone admires you to the point of wanting to take care of you. Organize your day around a deadline; one is coming that needs great attention.

Your Monday Horoscope diana!
Partnership issues highlight your feelings of security within group situations. Look to salvage what is left of the relationship by focusing on boundaries. Blunt and to the point should be your chosen style.

Spinach can't cure lukemia

Today my daughter has lukemia, in fact at the moment she's dying from it, her abdomen is swollen to Ethiopic proportions from her very unhappy liver and spleen, her tiny bones filled to the brim with cancerous cells... Tomorrow she will begin to live with it. Tomorrow she will become unable to concieve her own children. Tomorrow is her chance to live. Tomorrow will be the hardest day of my mothering career. Tomorrow we'll all three be survivors.
Our Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia Timeline:
1/20: a huge horrific bloody nose that just wouldn't stop. I was on the phone with Kelli and had to hang up on her to deal with it... if it had bled for a minute more, we would have gone to the ER and we'd have had a dx that day.
1/24: we had an opportunity for free dental work, so off we went for an extraction and some fillings. The paperwork said to call our doctor if the bleeding continued for more than 2 hours; after 4 I called, sure I wasn't putting enough pressure on the site; after 6 it finally stopped.
1/25: Hannah no longer has a tan, she complains of leg pain and weakness, doesn't want to walk -- I begin to schlep her everywhere important enough for her to go. After a piggyback ride to the car, I drop her between the carseat and the dash, she bumps her ankle on the car body, the blame for the continued lack of desire to walk. We see the doc socially that day, but he's not terribly concerned at first view. Her first fever in many, many years...
1/26: Health be damned, we leave town for Bemidji to visit the Traaseths. Honestly, I could use some perspective on the whole situation and would greatly appreciate the extra help, support and comfort. Hannah's excited but lethargic and pale and feverish.
1/27-1/29: Hannah has zero interest in playing, hanging out -- anything but crunching ice and sleeping and whining. Her fevers become uncomfortable for both of us and the leg/bone pain continues. There are sporadic nosebleeds throughout these days, too (and Kelli let us continue to sleep on the white sheets!!!) but nothing uncontrollable, just PITA.
1/30: Our trip to Acutecare #1: I give the whole list of complaints to the doc, she looks at Hannah's ear, judges me a horrible mother, diagnoses a "raging ear infection", scribbles a rx for antibiotics and we leave (I haven't gotten the bill yet, should I contest it?? )
1/31: Hannah's response to the antibiotics is immediate and exiliarating... and short lived. She perked enough to play for a bit, but still not interested in much beyond crushed ice and sleeping.
2/02: She sleeps all the way home from Bemidji... then sleeps all night.
The days between here all seem a blur... Hannah has a couple of waking hours, sometimes lively and sometimes whiney. Her legs still ache and hurt, I'm carrying her as much as I can. She's sleeping and not talking much.
We saw a chiropracter and noticed the swollen liver, but attributed it to too much McDonald's (of which I may be guilty). I got liver cleansing tea, some acidophilis supplements and armed myself with iron building techniques for Hannah. We discovered that baby carrots are delicious when wrapped in baby spinach and dipped into ranch dressing. She tolerated the vitamins and other supplements in apple sauce. She was willing to do anything not to have to go to the doctor! The nosebleeds are now a nightly routine, not much blood, but it's not very dark red either...
2/11: Lunch with Aunt Donna! Hannah's looking forward to her favorite restaurant (Spezia) and her favorite foods (bowties alfredo with broccoli or red sauce with meatball???). We piggyback to the car and right to the table. Hannah decides she doesn't want to eat (Really loud alarm bells ringing now!!) and she snuggles up to me saying the room is spinning and her tummy feels funny. Off to the bathroom, we make it to the sink when lastnight's bloodclot comes flying out of her. I figured she'd feel much better without it anyway... but there was no improvement. Donna gave me "the look" and said we had to take her to Acutecare. I call the doc to find out where it is and his wife informs me he's on duty at the clinic, yay! She's very comfortable with this man and trusts him, being at the doctor was not nearly as traumatic as I'd anticipated. After a very brave blood draw, we discovered her Hemoglobin was 6 and her platelets were 12,000 -- cause for immediate admit to the hospital, if only for transfusions.