Oh how I wish I felt like I had a solid footing in sanity! 'twould be nice, I understand. It's been so long, I don't know if I can remember what it feels like. I want to be happy again. I do know I once was. I sometimes seem glimpses of that happy Self, nothing more than shadows and memory now.I sleep a lot. And odd hours. Lots of hours. When I'm not sleeping, I'm wishing I was asleep. Television is a calm reprieve from sleeping, though it's much like sleeping with my eyes open. When dreams mirror reality, I rebound with insomnia. Insomnia filled with mindless television. To quiet the "I told you so" voices in my head.
I can pull it together for Hayden. Most of the time. I can still muster up enough energy to be present for him and with him. It's not sparkly, but I'm there. I walk the dog every day. The 30+ minutes I'm on my bike seem like a whole different (oxygenated) world. Then I get off the bike, feet firmly in my present circumstances and I want to sleep.
I want to blame Wells Fargo for their asinine willy-nilly rejection of Scotty's paychecks; when indeed it's my responsibility to ensure we've got cash for groceries. I want to blame Scotty for his self-absolution of financial responsibility; though it's my own lack of assertion that leaves us here. And my jealousy that there's no one to absolve ME of my responsibilities. Somehow I find his on my plate, as well. And add to that a large topping of resentment and heck, I've set myself up for some pretty shitty life circumstances.
I don't know what to do. Maybe I just don't want to do anything. And then I'll still be here chasing my miserable tail.
I wish I could internalize the words of the masters, without my natural cynicism, and take to heart that finding Joy in the right now ensures I attract more Joy to my future Nows.
Where has my optimism gone? Where is my Joy hiding? Where is my connection with Life as an Amazing Adventure?
I just wanna crawl into the bottle of Crown Royal calling me from the kitchen... and yet I know full well that crawling out means the same life circumstances, with a headache and possibly hives.
I don't wanna be a grown up A.N.Y. MORE.
5 comments:
Aw, sweetie, I'm sorry you're hurting. Sometimes being a grown-up just sucks out loud.
I don't have any words of wisdom -- just sympathy and a genuine wish that somehow things will get better for you soon.
Love ya!
No one ever really, honestly and truly warned us what it would mean to be a grown up. Some days I feel certain I never would have agreed.
Sometimes it helps me to remember that everything is cycle and process, and the shitty days are just as viable a part of it as the sparkly ones.
Sometimes.
I feel you, girl - hang in there.
Bless you.
Now you may sneeze.
We love you all. I see you can do it what ever it is one step at a time. Love you MOM
Screw the Crown Royal, these times call for grrrlfriends, chocolate, and mancake. Can you manage or should I book a flight?
Post a Comment